Title: Because
Chapter 1/3: Dawn
Author: Anna
Website: http://devoted.to/spark
Feedback: what's not to love about it?
Note: takes place after 'Bring On The Night' and is Dawn's POV
I remember feeling utter shock when I saw him in the living room that night. It was the kind of shock you feel when something you thought was impossible happens. Nothing short of the sight of my mother could have shaken me more… and believe me, I would know. After the surprise faded, I noticed his clothes. He was wearing blue. He owned something blue? Well, there was that blue button down shirt… but without the black leather duster he looked so different. He looked… gentler? Maybe even innocent. I'm not sure. The duster was such a big part of him that when you picture him in your mind he's wearing it. No doubt about it.
But the shock that registered on my face and Xander's didn't register on Buffy's. She wasn't surprised? Was she expecting this? Yes and no. She had seen Spike before that night, and she hadn't told me.
That hurt. That hurt a lot. How could she not tell me? Oh yea… she's Buffy. End of story. Something emotional happens and she shuts down. Before I knew it, Spike was back in the group, about to go patrol with Buffy. Was she blind? This was the monster than almost raped her not four months ago! I had to do something.
So I threatened him. But not an empty threat. I fully intended on keeping my word under the circumstances. Vampires sleep, right? I could take Spike in his sleep. I could defend Buffy. I could.
Then I found out about his mental condition. Crazy? Yup. He was "flat-out-bug-shaggin'-crazy." I almost felt bad for him. Almost, being the key word. I was still mad. I was still vengeful. I was still hurt. When he did what he did, he didn't only hurt Buffy. He hurt me as well. I don't think anyone realizes that. He left Buffy, and he left me.
But I soon found out he had a damned good reason for leaving. He left to get his soul. My hate and anger faded when I imagined the trials he must have endured… the pain he faced… for Buffy. For me.
Maybe it wasn't intended for me, but then again maybe it was. Again, I don't think anyone sees this whole thing from my perspective. Spike wanted to be good enough to be accepted, trusted… and loved. He already had all those things from me. But from Buffy? No one knows for sure except her.
What do I think? I think he had two out of three from her. I do think she trusted him. No, I know she trusted him. She put her life in his hands when they fought, when they patrolled, and when they were together… intimately. What better way to 'off' the slayer than when she was getting off? It'd be nothing if not ironic.
But Spike never tried to kill her… at least not after he fell in love with her. He hit her, yes. But that's just how they were. They punched and kicked but it wasn't anything they couldn't take. It's like when Buffy and me fight, we yell and scream. When Spike and Buffy fight, they really fight. And they fight a lot. It's just in their nature.
So I know that Buffy trusted Spike… and I'm pretty sure she loved him.
It wasn't the "lets-get-married-and-have-2.5-kids" love. And it wasn't the "I-need-to-spend-every-waking-hour-with-you" love. And it wasn't "romantic-candles-and-flowers" love. But there was love.
After the hurt of Angel and Riley, I think Buffy doesn't want to love. She doesn't want to open herself because she sees it as an invitation for pain. Poofters. (Oh God, Spike has corrupted my speech)
Angel and Riley messed her up bad, and she needs to get passed them. Until then, she won't get that "happy-romantic-want-to-be-with-you-forever" love that she deserves. So, she loved Spike, but the love she had for him wasn't enough because she couldn't accept her love for him. Just call her 'Cleopatra: Queen of Denial' because it was so incredibly obvious. Or at least to me, anyway.
So she says she 'feels' for Spike. That's a step in the right direction, right? At least she's telling me things now. At least she opens up some of the time. At least I'm not completely in the dark.
But I have hope for the two of them. Maybe I'm insane, but I have insane hope. I think they'll end up together and I'll finally have a family again. I can see it all now… She'll rescue him from the First, tend to his wounds, and then she'll hold him as he falls asleep. She'll whisper 'I love you, Spike' when she thinks he can't hear her… but he will. Why do I have such strong faith in them?
Because she trusts him.
Author's Note: Hey! ::waves:: Did you like the first chapter? There's two more on the way, and I'll try my hardest to get them done soon. Please review! I write better with reviews :-D