I feel like a sad Ryan and Kelly fic, don't you? Anyways, this came so naturally to me that I'm not sure if it's good or horrible. Just read and be the judge.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Office.
He knew it would end. Maybe it was meant to end. He just never knew how it would end.
It was like when you start something and you think "it will definitely not last forever" but then you just forget and ignore the thoughts about finally bringing whatever you were doing to a close.
He was young, she was curvy. She bugged the hell out of him, and he did nothing (but it always seemed to please her).
That was the thing. She was always so pleased. She never did anything but completely adore him. He was her adorable boyfriend who loved her, even though Ryan never showed it.
But before Kelly came along he partied and slept with girls from all over. It wasn't ever a bad experience. He never felt like he was missing anything. He was young and stupid and high, so what could possibly be missing?
And then he met her, and it wasn't like he suddenly found this light in his life that made him get up every morning. Kelly didn't follow his thoughts when he went to bed at night. She was just the girl at work who was always happy with him. He didn't need to try, so he didn't.
When it was over and he'd realized what he had done, it was strange. Like he'd never thought about how this would end, this one-sided relationship, but it was only a few words and she'd spent the entire summer depressed. Crying, over him.
So then he spends weeks wondering if he's worth crying over. Would his parents cry, his boss, his friends? Would anyone cry like Kelly did?
But after weeks of thinking about that and then realizing that Kelly didn't matter anymore, why was he even thinking of her in the first place? He started sleeping around again. Girls that looked like chicks on Survivor and chicks that drank almost as much as he did.
It wasn't like a disappointment, sleeping with them. He didn't have a revelation that there was no connection, or that sleeping with these people made him feel empty inside. He didn't. He was making lots of money and living the dream, why would he be unhappy with this?
No, it was more like sleeping with them and then thinking "oh yeah, this is how it used to be". Not like "damn, it was much better with Kelly" but more similar to "this is what I had before Kelly". He didn't want to entertain the thought of being disappointed without Kelly. He comes home to the apartment and drinks until he forgets about visiting the Scranton branch. Not because she told him she was pregnant and he was so furious, but because Michael bugged him. Right?
That's why Ryan drank. Maybe.
But Ryan hates maybes. They ruin certainty and break the barriers of being sure about something, anything.
He hates the fact that sometimes when Britney comes on the radio, he doesn't turn it off. He tells himself that he doesn't care anyways, who really cared, he just needed to unwind but he knows why. Okay, so he doesn't know why but he just might sometimes think that he listens to Justin Timberlake because she thought he had a nice voice.
Only it's not true, right? He isn't such a loser that he thinks about the girl he left behind. He hears songs about thinking that you wanted better but she was the best thing you ever had, and now she's gone. But Kelly was not the best. He tells himself that, when he downs another shot and tells some girl at the bar about his high-paying job just before they leave the club, grabbing each other's asses and sliding into his new car.
She isn't the best thing that ever happened to you, he says to himself. You knew it was going to end when it began, so why do you still wonder what she's doing?
He wonders, so much. He wonders if she still thinks that Jennifer Hudson should have won American Idol, he wonders if she still does that whole online shopping thing, he wonders if she makes out with Darryl when they have some free time.
He wonders if Darryl tells her, all the time, that she's pretty. He wonders if Darryl appreciates her like he didn't. He wonders if Darryl likes to feel the feminine curve she has between her hip bones, like he did because it tickled her when she slept and he liked to see her wiggle and maybe wake up and be just a little annoyed even though she's giggling at the same time.
He tells himself that he just wonders because they were together much longer than any other relationship he ever had. He just cares because she was never a huge part of his life, but he was her everything.
He didn't even miss her when he found the old tape they recorded together, when she found the Barbie Karaoke Machine that she played with when she was, like, seven. They recorded themselves, but it was in the morning so Ryan yawned the whole time and his eyes were half shut, wafting through dream-land but he says a few things and she laughs. He only listened to the tape because he was curious. He didn't even miss her a little bit.
He just drinks because he's a little fish in a big pond at Corporate and it's a hard job. He drinks because visiting the Scranton branch is a long drive and Michael stresses him out and Jim mocks him. He just drinks because Kevin called him 'fire guy' eight times today. That's why he drinks.
He doesn't drink because she dressed up for him. He doesn't drink because he noticed that she was wearing the shade of lipstick he loved so much because it didn't just taste like lipstick, it tasted like cherry. Those are most definitely not the reasons he drinks.
Kelly Kapoor is not the reason that Ryan drinks. He just knows it.
He doesn't do that anymore. He knows it's over and he doesn't want it to start again. Never. He won't ever make anything in his life about her. It's not like he ever did.
The last thing Ryan thinks before he falls asleep and dreams of what he sees tomorrow (What will he see that's worth seeing?) Is that Justin Timberlake does not have a nice voice.
First Ryan and Kelly fic, so be nice and review!