So, here's a oneshot where I basically considered what would happen if Dean really did die. How would Cas take it? I will flirt with continueing this but I think its very strong as a oneshot. Please enjoy the read.

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Setting: Post-soul Sam. After 6th season?

Warnings: Brief sexual content.

What Was and Never Will Be

Castiel looked out of a stained window, the sounds of rough sex coming through the thin walls of the motel. Cars raced down the streets of New York City, taxi cabs driving in erratic motions. His stubble itched his sensitive skin, Jimmy's sensitive skin, but he chose to ignore it.

It was day three of his independence from Heaven, and he had yet to hear a jingle from his brethren. He thanked his Father for this. Empty bottles of his favorite whiskey lay around his feet. His favorite pocket knife lay cradled in his hands, its metal shining in the streetlights from below. The smell of him surrounded him, dressed in his favorite black tee.

Who thought that after all of the demons and angels and horsemen and Lucifer and God and Michael that it'd be something so insignificant? Who thought that it'd be a bit of bone marrow? So small and untraceable. If he'd known, if Sam or Bobby had known, they would have taken him to a hospital instead of trying to set the bone together themselves. What a disgraceful way for a warrior to die. A bit of marrow from his left arm, making its way through his bloodstream, infiltrating his heart and stopping it for good. Who knew God wouldn't bring him right back? That Castiel didn't have the clearance to bring him back himself….

Too many chances, Death had told him as he'd come to take the Winchester personally. Too many escapes, it was just finally time. But why… Why so insignificant as a broken arm after a fight with a vampire? Because Dean Winchester had several chances to die as a hero. He just never took them.

Castiel let out a wretched sob, letting the pocket knife fall from his hands and clatter along with the whiskey bottles. The chair he sat it knocked over violently as he stood to kick the nightstand beside him. It toppled over noisily, sending the lamp and alarm clock on top of it flying into a neighboring wall, silencing the sex on the opposite side. He fell against the wall, steadying himself as he breathed deeply.

His charge. His human. His beautiful, flawed, unbearable Dean Winchester. Dead, for nothing.

And there wasn't a single thing he could do about it.

"Damn, I thought I warned 'em not to make you angry there, Sparky."

The angel jumped, looking up to find the object of his breakdown standing by the door. His dirty blonde hair spiked in its familiar way, his green eyes dancing with mirth and mischief.

"D-Dean…?" he walked shakily toward him.

"Cas," the other said simply, unfolding his arms.

Castiel took a minute to bask in that husky voice saying his name. It sounded exactly like the one haunting him since the minute Dean had died beside him.

"Are you alive?" Cas tried to steady his voice, never leaving the eyes of the man a few feet from him.

"Of course not," Dean chuckled, "Damn death is like the government. Always catch you cheating the system eventually. I've never liked Big Brother."

The words hit him like bricks, forcing the breath from his lungs, "I don't understand that reference, Dean."

A concerned look passed his face, "Woah there, buddy. You need to sit down."

Dean moved towards him, hands not quite touching the angel's shoulders as they guided him to the bed. Castiel collapsed onto it; almost choking again as he felt the chill radiating off of the apparition in front of him.

"I'm losing my mind," he whispered.

"Cas," a chuckle, "Let's be honest here, your mind is shaped by what you see around you. Let it believe I'm here for tonight, huh?"

"I don't exactly know how to take that."

The image of Dean before him flickered as it smiled brightly, "Take it in a good way."

"Are you really you?" hope filled his eyes, "Are you just a figment of my imagination? Am I losing my grace or are you really Dean?"

The bed dipped beside him just a bit as the apparition sat beside him, "Well, I'm sure that if this was your imagination then I would be able to touch you, so…no. I figured I'd take a cue from Dr. Sexy and show up at high emotion moments where you seem to be losing your mind and need me the most."

"Dean…" the angel tilted his head back in exasperation, "All these references that I just don't understand…even while you're dead!"

There was another deep chuckle, "Hey, are you wearing my shirt? Is that my pocket knife? Is that my whiskey?"

"Obviously, Dean."

"Well shucks Cas, I'm flattered. You're obsessing over me," he smiled widely, "Glad to see not much has changed."

"Why are you here?"

There was a short silence at Castiel's bite of a question, his blue eyes focusing on the carpet. There was no movement beside him, no fingers moving through hair, no hand moving over a face, no impatient fidgeting with rings… Silence and it depressed the shit out of him.

"I wanted to know if the rumors were true…" finally came a response.

Cas looked at his own hands, dry and cracked, "As you can see, they are. I have left Heaven for good."

Dean's ghost sighed thoughtfully and Castiel wished he could feel the touch of that breath against his skin.

"Have you fallen?"

"No."

"Then how?"

He smiled at the dead man next to him, "I simply left. I got permission to just leave."

"And Raphael?"

"He wins."

Dean stood as if angry, "How could you do that?"

Anger filled Castiel again and he stood as well, getting as close to Dean as possible, "How could you leave me here?"

A snarky noise emitted from Dean's throat, "Well, well, don't we sound like the scorned, lonely lover."

Castiel blushed deeply, looking away, "That's not how I meant it."

"Are you sure?"

"We were never lovers Dean."

Dean laughed deeply, "We might as well been."

There were many things Castiel had wanted to do on earth. Go to a movie. Check; Sam had taken him just a few days before jumping into the hole. Wash dishes. Check; Bobby gladly handed over the chore one night. Stay up all night, eating junk food and watching mindless TV shows with people you care about. Check; done shortly after Sam had regained his soul and Bobby decided they needed time off, including Cas. Kiss Dean Winchester…no check.

Well sure, he'd let his mouth run over the man's cold forehead minutes after they found him dead. More like minutes after he'd died because Cas had felt the moment his soul had slipped away. He caught Death touching the Winchester's cheek almost tenderly as he called the soul out of his body. Rage had filled him in that moment and he wished he had that sickle in his hand.

"I wanted a lot of things you know," Dean said softly, "Lots of things that I never got."

Castiel looked back up into the man's eyes but Dean was looking at the center of the angel's chest.

"I wanted a real sit down dinner on Christmas day for the first time in years. I wanted to watch The DaVinci Code with only Sammy just to hear his ongoing explanations so that I could call him a goddamn nerd. Such simple things."

The angel's big blue eyes never looked away, waiting for Dean to meet them. And he did.

"I wanted you."

Castiel's heart rose to his throat at the three words.

Dean moved just a bit closer, letting his not so corporeal hand barely run over Cas' cheek.

"I wanted to kiss your snobby little lips just once," a laugh escaped him, "Just to shut you up when you went on your holier than thou speeches."

Cas let a small chuckle out at this, urging Dean to continue.

"I wanted to help you dominate Heaven. Become the leader while Daddy was out. I wanted to give you something after you had given me everything."

Such human emotions threatened to spill out of the angel. His eyes were rimming with such a foreign thing. Tears.

"I wanted to have you as my own for one night," his face broke out into a sly grin, "Preferably in Sammy's motel bed."

That damn blush returned, "Dean…"

This ghost…this man walked backwards, dropping his hand and sniffled slightly, "Get on the bed."

He looked up in surprise, "What?"

"Get on the bed. On your back."

Castiel did as he was told, climbing on and laying flat on his back. He craned his neck to watch Dean's form move statically next to him. This sent a chill through his body as he realized just how wrong this was. Dean's soul should have passed on by now.

"Shh. Don't think, Cas. Just relax."

All it took was one look into those green orbs and he fell back onto the pillow.

"Unbutton 'em."

"Dean…"

"You heard me."

Cas sighed heavily and reached down to unbutton his black dress pants, watching Dean watch his hands. Dean licked his lips, leaving their fake image moist and kissable. He let out a small groan, causing their eyes to meet.

"I want to see your cock."

Cas seriously should have startled at those words but all he could do was let out a delicious whimper, taking his member out of his boxers. The heavy flesh twitched in delight as Dean let out a small breath of air that seemed to ghost (no pun intended) over it.

"At least I can scratch this off of my list," he murmured, hand twitching, "Cas. I want to touch you."

The angel stroked himself absentmindedly, "You can't."

His lower stomach coiled tight, filled with a heat he couldn't define. He wasn't innocent to sins of the flesh. Being close to Dean and not with Dean led him to do some things he wasn't really proud of. His mind flashed to Dean telling him about some curious thing Crowley had said to them. 'Oh my, the things I've heard.' Which means he probably heard that time Cas had to leave the motel and sit in the Impala to well…relieve tension.

"I know I can't," he nearly barked, "Play along, Cas. It's like ghost sex."

"That makes me uncomfortable, Dean."

"Well it's the best I can do. Alright?"

"Alright," Cas met his eyes, doing a particular twist of his wrist on an upward stroke.

Dean followed the movement out of the corner of his eyes and bit his bottom lip, "Where'd you learn that?"

"From watching you."

"Now, that makes me uncomfortable."

"Dean, you have no shame."

He laughed heartily, "Hmm, you're right. That's kind of hot."

"Dean…"

"Yes?"

"I wish you could touch me too…"

Dean let a small smile fall over his lips. He lent in slowly, a hand over the angel's cock as he slanted his lips just a mere millimeter from Cas'.

"I know. I'll be back before you know it, Cas. I promise."

With that, a gush of air filled the room leaving Castiel alone.

fin

So I hope everyone enjoyed. Please. Please. Please review. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading.