Dear Finnick,
Hello, my dear Finnick. It's been a while, hasn't it? It feels like years. It hasn't been three months yet. I suppose that's normal, though- at least, that's what everyone has been telling me. The pain of love and loss doesn't go away until you move on.
I'm not sure if I want to move on, though. Everything has changed so much, but the one thing that hasn't is my need for you. My nightmares have come back more often. I scream all the time. They all try to calm me down, but they can't. They just can't.
It's like everything is swirling and moving and changing and it won't stop and I scream and yell for help but nothing ever gets better. Everything is a sea of black, but then there are little dots of pink and green and red and blue that drag me back into reality again.
And I really don't want reality anymore.
Reality means that you are dead, and you are gone, and you will not come back. Your life would be nothing more than a story, you would be nothing more than a story, but you are so much more than that. You are the star that led me to redemption. You are the light in the ocean of darkness. But everyone says that light is gone.
Please don't be gone, Finnick. I'm begging you not to be gone. I need you here and our son will need you here and our friends need you here. You are needed and you are still loved and you shouldn't be dead. You should be alive, breathing, smiling, happy.
Our son will need a father. He's still here, Finnick. He's alive, a living being that you and I should call our own. He'll be born in a few months, back here in District 4. He needs a dad, and you are his dad. And I can't raise him on my own. I just can't.
There is so much pain, Finnick, and I need you more than ever. Where did you go? Will you come back? Will I see you again? I need help, Finnick, and I will go insane if I don't get it. Even more insane than I already am. I just don't think that anyone can help me apart from you.
It was always like that, wasn't it? You could always calm me down when no one else could. You helped me, and I helped you…in one-way or another. I was nothing to you at first, and then you somehow fell in love with a broken girl who fixed you too. We fixed each other.
But now… I don't know. I really don't know what to do, or what to say, or what to think. I feel lost and hurt and lonely. I've tried talking to Johanna, to some old friends in District 4, and I even sent a few letters to Peeta Mellark. They've been helpful. It's just not the same, though, without you here.
Maybe I let you become a part of me, Finnick. I'm positive that I did. You are a part of my heart, a part of who I am. You are my first love and the first love I lost. I can't get over that. It's impossible.
This is all impossible. I'm writing a letter to someone who will never read it, but I'm somehow convinced that you know what I'm saying. Am I deranged? Probably. Love makes people delusional. It makes the impossible become possible. And our love was impossible to everyone else, but possible to us.
It still is. I'm sure it is.
Forever yours,
Annie