Author: KK
Title: Until the End
Pairing: mainly Kaworu/Shinji
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: NOT MINE
Summary: The story takes place in an AU, after Kaworu's death. I'm not going to summarize it; I would spoil the ending;).
Chapter 1: Prologue//Of humans and dolls
Please read the Author's Notes.
******
The boy had saved the world when he was fourteen.
At least, that's what they told him.
Now, he isn't so sure anymore.
He sits on the seashore, hugging his knees to his chest. The wind is cool against his wet cheeks. The sun is coming down, casting long, shivering shadows against the gold sands of the seaside.
The cicadas should have been quiet at this time of the night, but they aren't. Nothing is normal in this city anymore. Their night serenade is filled with longing; the last hymn for the city that came down in the battle against the unknown. Their song sounds like a funeral march; sad, mournful and accusing.
Shinji covers his ears with his hands, but the song, full of grief, still floods his mind. He jumps to his feet in an attempt to run away, but his legs are weak. After a few feeble steps he falls to his hands and knees, bruising them on the sharp rocks.
When guilt is chasing you, there's no running away.
The boy chokes on a sob. Then he hears footsteps; and a voice calling his name. He doesn't care.
The boy killed the one he cared for when he was fourteen.
They told him he had done did the right thing.
.but he doesn't believe them.
Not anymore.
******
"What's the status of Eva 02?" Misato's voice was firm, even though she looked tired and dark circles had formed beneath her eyes. She was drinking coffee, once again, but it didn't seem to be of any effect.
Maya Ibuki looked at her superior with worry in her eyes. Major Katsuragi was obviously troubled by something. And where was Ritsuko-sempai..? Only God knew. Maya wasn't allowed to ask any questions.
"The regeneration's process is now running according to schedule. There is no sign of mental or physical contamination. It would be ready for battle in two days. that is, if only..." she broke off.
".If only we had a pilot," finished Misato with a sigh. 'How naive I was, believing that I'd be free with the death of the last Angel. The war didn't end there. It wasn't the end. It was just the beginning. Who knows what cards Commander Ikari has up his sleeve..? There is something strange in his attitude lately. Well, something stranger than usual. Commander insisted on Unit-02's repair as top priority - what the hell could he need it for..?'
Suddenly Misato realized that Maya was talking to her. "Come again? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," she apologized quickly. Makoto cast her a concerned glance.
"I was saying that the report of Marduk Institute should be delivered soon. It seems to me that Commander Ikari doesn't trust Seele anymore on that matter," repeated Maya. Her voice was nervous. She swallowed quickly, looking at Eva 01's hand, as if remembering the child who was crushed to death in the very same hand.
Misato walked out of the room, muttering something quietly.
Maya could swear it sounded like: "Marduk Institute, my ass."
She shrugged the thought off and looked at Hyuuga. She blinked. For a moment there, she could swear Makoto was looking as though something was tearing him apart from inside.
"I. you know. I should." he mumbled incoherently. Maya threw him an incredulous look, wondering what had reduced the usually calm Lieutenant to a gibberish-muttering idiot in such an inappropriate moment. Thankfully, Shigeru knew what was going inside his friend's head.
"Why don't you go after the Captain? She looked tired, and god knows she shouldn't drive in such a condition," he said kindly. "If something happens. we'll let you know."
Makoto nodded so vigorously that it was a wonder his glasses didn't fall off. He started to run after Captain Katsuragi, but suddenly stopped and turned to face Shigeru.
"Thank you," he said gratefully.
Shigure just laughed and chased him away with a wave of his hand.
******
"Misato-san!" called Makoto, looking around anxiously for the violet haired woman.
For a moment, he was worried that he was too late, but he breathed a sigh of relief when he found Misato searching tiredly for her keys. Finally, she fished them out from the very bottom of her left pocket, and nearly dropped them when she heard someone calling her.
"Hyuuga-kun!" she exclaimed in surprise. Makoto smiled and gently took the keys out of her hand. Then he opened the passenger door - an image of a perfect gentlemen. Misato smiled softly and got into the car.
They drove off.
******
Misato wanted to invite Hyuuga to her house - for a cup of tea, perhaps. Makoto didn't look like a large fan of beer and instant food. She really wanted to, but after a moment, she decided not to. Instead, she simply smiled, politely stated a 'see you tomorrow', and gracefully ran up the stairs. She was afraid of what she could find in her apartment, or, more accurately, who she might not find.
And, like she thought, Shinji's room was empty.
'I hope he's not doing anything stupid', she thought, with a tinge of anxiety. Certainly, she had requested Nerv's security to keep an eye on the pilot, but honestly, she didn't really trust them.
'But what can I do anyway? Search for him? What might I do if I found him..? I can't look him in the eyes anymore.' Misato lowered her head and let her eyelids slowly droop. 'He doesn't trust me. He'd hate me even more if I tried to help him.'
She collapsed on the kitchen floor, and hid her face in her hands.. She stayed there, motionless, reluctantly refusing to look for the child. Without knowing it, Major Katsuragi had made yet another mistake. Had she known it, she would have surely put the blame on herself. She would have been right - and wrong at the same time.
Who, if not her, could show the young Ikari that his life wasn't meaningless yet..?
But. perhaps it was too late. With a small squeeze of his hand, the boy had destroyed the last shred of humanity he had left. or so he thought. Hiding in his own dreams and running from reality, the boy was waiting. Waiting for what? For help? A friendly smile? For a trace of human affection? . Why not death? There sure as hell was no way he could get out of this crisis on his own. Perhaps there was nothing that could convince him otherwise.
Misato was aware that she was close to lose one of the people she cared for, one of the only friends she had left. She was also aware that there was very little she could do.
Wiping tears away she glanced out the window and waited for a sunrise.
"What should I do. Kaji..?"
******
As soon as she got off the train, she gulped hungrily a breath of fresh air. She was tired of the thick, dry, stinking air of shelters and laboratories. She looked around, silently taking in her surroundings..
'It must have been a beautiful city,' she thought. She felt a sudden urge to have a walk around the remains of Tokyo-3, but before she could make the first move, she heard loud footsteps coming from the west side of the provisory train station. She whipped round.
Two men dressed immaculately in dark suits glared at her, and then at something one of them was holding in his hand. Were they comparing her face to a one on the photo..?
"You are Akari Obata, aren't you?" It was more of statement than a question.
"Yes," she said, bowing her head in a sign of respect.
However, under the fringe of long, dark hair her lips upturned into a smile.
******
Misato swore and tried to kick the hard metal door, which was stupid enough not to let her pass. Just because her ID card had been bathed in coffee for a bit! Kicking the door was probably not very mature, or effective for that matter, but Misato was so frustrated that she was ready to rip the metal doors apart with her bare hands. She wanted to do something childish for a change; something to make her forget that her world was falling apart; and that she had no one to come back to, not even Shinji, who was rarely at home, not even Asuka, not even Pen Pen. Nonetheless, she wasn't about to give up. Not now.
Not ever.
Unfortunately, just as she was about to raise her food to kick the damn doors into the next week, she heard soft footsteps behind her. She turned around quickly, trying to look noble and serious, and failing miserably. She coughed nervously, feeling vaguely stupid for her infantile outburst.
Then she looked at the newcomer - expecting to find a technician or a member of Nerv's staff, but instead she saw instead a young, unfamiliar girl.
"What are you doing here?" asked Misato, maybe just a tiny bit too harshly. After the Fifth Child's incident she had learned to be wary of strange, unfamiliar teenagers.
However, this tiny girl didn't look dangerous at all. Her hair wasn't silver but black, her eyes weren't red but brown, and, unlike that bloody eyed monster, she wasn't wearing that smug, unpredictable smile.
"I've gotten lost on my way to Gate 23. I was supposed to meet professor Fuyutsuki there," said the girl. Her voice was soft, strained. She seemed very nervous.
Well, Misato could sympathize. She used to get lost in the Nerv HQ at least five times a week. "Who are you?" asked Misato again, this time a bit softer. After all, there was no need to scare the poor girl.
"Please forgive me for being rude - I'm Akari Obata, classmate of pilots Ikari, Sohryuu and Ayanami. I was selected as the replacement for the Second Child. I don't know if I am to be a pilot yet - my synchro rate hasn't even been tested." The girl looked at Misato questioningly.
Misato sighed.
"I'll show you the way."
******
Shinji is sitting on the rock near the place where he had met Kaworu.
He likes this place, but hates it at the same time, because it makes him remember about the many things he wants to forget. A lone tear suddenly runs down his cheek. Funny, he could have sworn he hadn't any tears left.
Here, on this tiny lonely seashore, he feels as if he were the only human left in the entire world.
...isn't he..?
After all, even if there are people who are still alive, they may as well be dead. There is no one left who cares about him anymore, no one who would be anxious if he won't return home.
He is just one more human in the world, another useless being, lonely to the point of pain, tired to the point of numbness...
...too tired to even feel anything...
...or so he thinks. But if it is so, why does he feel so much pain...?
He tries to stop thinking. He tries not to hear the sound of the last Angel's head falling into the LCL. He tries to pretend he hasn't even met him, to turn all his emotions away..
He wants to keep the façade up in Misato's eyes, he really does, but he knows that he cannot hide his pain from her.
His own thoughts are betraying him, and soon he is thinking about the world, but it isn't the World anymore, not his world, not the place where his being could have had any meaning. He isn't even a pilot anymore...
.And he is so mad, at everyone and at no one, and then he is mad even more, because he was alone, and nobody would help him, nobody at all, nobody...
...nobody...
...And then he starts to panic, he feels like he is already dead, and he wants to scream just to prove that he is still alive...
... he becomes empty. Or rather, he wishes himself to be.
Shinji wants to die - but he is afraid of death. He wants someone to help him - but he knows that no one would come there just to make him feel better.
Not anymore.
And even if they did, Shinji wouldn't be able to trust them.
His hope had been betrayed one time too many.
***
"You should go change into your plug suit," said Misato. "Do you want me to help you?"
"No, thank you. I think I'll manage. Sohryuu-san was talking about it many times." Akari smiled slightly. "I think I have all Nerv's procedures memorized."
Misato frowned. "That was supposed to be a top secret."
Akari's smile brightened a little. "I'm sorry, I was just joking. Sohryuu- san hasn't spilled any Nerv's secrets to us, ma'am." For a second she looked almost like a normal, happy schoolgirl, but then she visibly became nervous again. "I guess I should go. Thank you for your help."
End chapter one...
TBC.
Title: Until the End
Pairing: mainly Kaworu/Shinji
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: NOT MINE
Summary: The story takes place in an AU, after Kaworu's death. I'm not going to summarize it; I would spoil the ending;).
Chapter 1: Prologue//Of humans and dolls
Please read the Author's Notes.
******
The boy had saved the world when he was fourteen.
At least, that's what they told him.
Now, he isn't so sure anymore.
He sits on the seashore, hugging his knees to his chest. The wind is cool against his wet cheeks. The sun is coming down, casting long, shivering shadows against the gold sands of the seaside.
The cicadas should have been quiet at this time of the night, but they aren't. Nothing is normal in this city anymore. Their night serenade is filled with longing; the last hymn for the city that came down in the battle against the unknown. Their song sounds like a funeral march; sad, mournful and accusing.
Shinji covers his ears with his hands, but the song, full of grief, still floods his mind. He jumps to his feet in an attempt to run away, but his legs are weak. After a few feeble steps he falls to his hands and knees, bruising them on the sharp rocks.
When guilt is chasing you, there's no running away.
The boy chokes on a sob. Then he hears footsteps; and a voice calling his name. He doesn't care.
The boy killed the one he cared for when he was fourteen.
They told him he had done did the right thing.
.but he doesn't believe them.
Not anymore.
******
"What's the status of Eva 02?" Misato's voice was firm, even though she looked tired and dark circles had formed beneath her eyes. She was drinking coffee, once again, but it didn't seem to be of any effect.
Maya Ibuki looked at her superior with worry in her eyes. Major Katsuragi was obviously troubled by something. And where was Ritsuko-sempai..? Only God knew. Maya wasn't allowed to ask any questions.
"The regeneration's process is now running according to schedule. There is no sign of mental or physical contamination. It would be ready for battle in two days. that is, if only..." she broke off.
".If only we had a pilot," finished Misato with a sigh. 'How naive I was, believing that I'd be free with the death of the last Angel. The war didn't end there. It wasn't the end. It was just the beginning. Who knows what cards Commander Ikari has up his sleeve..? There is something strange in his attitude lately. Well, something stranger than usual. Commander insisted on Unit-02's repair as top priority - what the hell could he need it for..?'
Suddenly Misato realized that Maya was talking to her. "Come again? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," she apologized quickly. Makoto cast her a concerned glance.
"I was saying that the report of Marduk Institute should be delivered soon. It seems to me that Commander Ikari doesn't trust Seele anymore on that matter," repeated Maya. Her voice was nervous. She swallowed quickly, looking at Eva 01's hand, as if remembering the child who was crushed to death in the very same hand.
Misato walked out of the room, muttering something quietly.
Maya could swear it sounded like: "Marduk Institute, my ass."
She shrugged the thought off and looked at Hyuuga. She blinked. For a moment there, she could swear Makoto was looking as though something was tearing him apart from inside.
"I. you know. I should." he mumbled incoherently. Maya threw him an incredulous look, wondering what had reduced the usually calm Lieutenant to a gibberish-muttering idiot in such an inappropriate moment. Thankfully, Shigeru knew what was going inside his friend's head.
"Why don't you go after the Captain? She looked tired, and god knows she shouldn't drive in such a condition," he said kindly. "If something happens. we'll let you know."
Makoto nodded so vigorously that it was a wonder his glasses didn't fall off. He started to run after Captain Katsuragi, but suddenly stopped and turned to face Shigeru.
"Thank you," he said gratefully.
Shigure just laughed and chased him away with a wave of his hand.
******
"Misato-san!" called Makoto, looking around anxiously for the violet haired woman.
For a moment, he was worried that he was too late, but he breathed a sigh of relief when he found Misato searching tiredly for her keys. Finally, she fished them out from the very bottom of her left pocket, and nearly dropped them when she heard someone calling her.
"Hyuuga-kun!" she exclaimed in surprise. Makoto smiled and gently took the keys out of her hand. Then he opened the passenger door - an image of a perfect gentlemen. Misato smiled softly and got into the car.
They drove off.
******
Misato wanted to invite Hyuuga to her house - for a cup of tea, perhaps. Makoto didn't look like a large fan of beer and instant food. She really wanted to, but after a moment, she decided not to. Instead, she simply smiled, politely stated a 'see you tomorrow', and gracefully ran up the stairs. She was afraid of what she could find in her apartment, or, more accurately, who she might not find.
And, like she thought, Shinji's room was empty.
'I hope he's not doing anything stupid', she thought, with a tinge of anxiety. Certainly, she had requested Nerv's security to keep an eye on the pilot, but honestly, she didn't really trust them.
'But what can I do anyway? Search for him? What might I do if I found him..? I can't look him in the eyes anymore.' Misato lowered her head and let her eyelids slowly droop. 'He doesn't trust me. He'd hate me even more if I tried to help him.'
She collapsed on the kitchen floor, and hid her face in her hands.. She stayed there, motionless, reluctantly refusing to look for the child. Without knowing it, Major Katsuragi had made yet another mistake. Had she known it, she would have surely put the blame on herself. She would have been right - and wrong at the same time.
Who, if not her, could show the young Ikari that his life wasn't meaningless yet..?
But. perhaps it was too late. With a small squeeze of his hand, the boy had destroyed the last shred of humanity he had left. or so he thought. Hiding in his own dreams and running from reality, the boy was waiting. Waiting for what? For help? A friendly smile? For a trace of human affection? . Why not death? There sure as hell was no way he could get out of this crisis on his own. Perhaps there was nothing that could convince him otherwise.
Misato was aware that she was close to lose one of the people she cared for, one of the only friends she had left. She was also aware that there was very little she could do.
Wiping tears away she glanced out the window and waited for a sunrise.
"What should I do. Kaji..?"
******
As soon as she got off the train, she gulped hungrily a breath of fresh air. She was tired of the thick, dry, stinking air of shelters and laboratories. She looked around, silently taking in her surroundings..
'It must have been a beautiful city,' she thought. She felt a sudden urge to have a walk around the remains of Tokyo-3, but before she could make the first move, she heard loud footsteps coming from the west side of the provisory train station. She whipped round.
Two men dressed immaculately in dark suits glared at her, and then at something one of them was holding in his hand. Were they comparing her face to a one on the photo..?
"You are Akari Obata, aren't you?" It was more of statement than a question.
"Yes," she said, bowing her head in a sign of respect.
However, under the fringe of long, dark hair her lips upturned into a smile.
******
Misato swore and tried to kick the hard metal door, which was stupid enough not to let her pass. Just because her ID card had been bathed in coffee for a bit! Kicking the door was probably not very mature, or effective for that matter, but Misato was so frustrated that she was ready to rip the metal doors apart with her bare hands. She wanted to do something childish for a change; something to make her forget that her world was falling apart; and that she had no one to come back to, not even Shinji, who was rarely at home, not even Asuka, not even Pen Pen. Nonetheless, she wasn't about to give up. Not now.
Not ever.
Unfortunately, just as she was about to raise her food to kick the damn doors into the next week, she heard soft footsteps behind her. She turned around quickly, trying to look noble and serious, and failing miserably. She coughed nervously, feeling vaguely stupid for her infantile outburst.
Then she looked at the newcomer - expecting to find a technician or a member of Nerv's staff, but instead she saw instead a young, unfamiliar girl.
"What are you doing here?" asked Misato, maybe just a tiny bit too harshly. After the Fifth Child's incident she had learned to be wary of strange, unfamiliar teenagers.
However, this tiny girl didn't look dangerous at all. Her hair wasn't silver but black, her eyes weren't red but brown, and, unlike that bloody eyed monster, she wasn't wearing that smug, unpredictable smile.
"I've gotten lost on my way to Gate 23. I was supposed to meet professor Fuyutsuki there," said the girl. Her voice was soft, strained. She seemed very nervous.
Well, Misato could sympathize. She used to get lost in the Nerv HQ at least five times a week. "Who are you?" asked Misato again, this time a bit softer. After all, there was no need to scare the poor girl.
"Please forgive me for being rude - I'm Akari Obata, classmate of pilots Ikari, Sohryuu and Ayanami. I was selected as the replacement for the Second Child. I don't know if I am to be a pilot yet - my synchro rate hasn't even been tested." The girl looked at Misato questioningly.
Misato sighed.
"I'll show you the way."
******
Shinji is sitting on the rock near the place where he had met Kaworu.
He likes this place, but hates it at the same time, because it makes him remember about the many things he wants to forget. A lone tear suddenly runs down his cheek. Funny, he could have sworn he hadn't any tears left.
Here, on this tiny lonely seashore, he feels as if he were the only human left in the entire world.
...isn't he..?
After all, even if there are people who are still alive, they may as well be dead. There is no one left who cares about him anymore, no one who would be anxious if he won't return home.
He is just one more human in the world, another useless being, lonely to the point of pain, tired to the point of numbness...
...too tired to even feel anything...
...or so he thinks. But if it is so, why does he feel so much pain...?
He tries to stop thinking. He tries not to hear the sound of the last Angel's head falling into the LCL. He tries to pretend he hasn't even met him, to turn all his emotions away..
He wants to keep the façade up in Misato's eyes, he really does, but he knows that he cannot hide his pain from her.
His own thoughts are betraying him, and soon he is thinking about the world, but it isn't the World anymore, not his world, not the place where his being could have had any meaning. He isn't even a pilot anymore...
.And he is so mad, at everyone and at no one, and then he is mad even more, because he was alone, and nobody would help him, nobody at all, nobody...
...nobody...
...And then he starts to panic, he feels like he is already dead, and he wants to scream just to prove that he is still alive...
... he becomes empty. Or rather, he wishes himself to be.
Shinji wants to die - but he is afraid of death. He wants someone to help him - but he knows that no one would come there just to make him feel better.
Not anymore.
And even if they did, Shinji wouldn't be able to trust them.
His hope had been betrayed one time too many.
***
"You should go change into your plug suit," said Misato. "Do you want me to help you?"
"No, thank you. I think I'll manage. Sohryuu-san was talking about it many times." Akari smiled slightly. "I think I have all Nerv's procedures memorized."
Misato frowned. "That was supposed to be a top secret."
Akari's smile brightened a little. "I'm sorry, I was just joking. Sohryuu- san hasn't spilled any Nerv's secrets to us, ma'am." For a second she looked almost like a normal, happy schoolgirl, but then she visibly became nervous again. "I guess I should go. Thank you for your help."
End chapter one...
TBC.