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Quick! Hide the Baby!

Okay, so stranger shit had been known to happen in the Wayne household, and he was talking off their fucking rockers, send them to the asylum, level crazy. However, in a house of world class escape artists, he very seriously doubted there was a prison, on or off, earth which they couldn't bust out of. It was a defining trait to be a Bat, to be… insanity hyped up on caffeine, caught by mom in this horribly awkward situation, whilst hiding an infant behind your back; that shit was normal; wasn't it!?

Duke didn't know as he struggled to hold onto the baby, while Tim and Damian flanked him, and they smiled nervously at Cat who was peering at them suspiciously.

"What did you three do?" she asked levelly while she shut the fridge; it was eleven at night, a normal time for a Batfam member to be up, but it was inconvenient right now.

"Nothing," he quickly supplied.

Tim and Damian nodded vigorously. Selina frowned as she walked over.

In the near four years since Duke had been adopted into the insanity, he had found with unwavering certainty the following:

Alfred Pennyworth, and his daughter, MI6 (Julia Pennyworth), were most certainly divinities of some sort as they stoically embraced this madhouse. B was a functioning mute, and he was a pretty good, overprotective, helicopter dad, but a cool dad all the same. Selina was a goddess, and nothing got passed her; also, she was totally his mom, he was cool with that. Kate was a bitch, but cool. Dick was the hug monster. Kori was amazing, and a star in the darkness of the Batfam. Jason was family, despite protests, and Jay could and would kick their asses simultaneously if provoked. Raven was Jason's unofficial wife, and the only NORMAL person in this family, despite being a demi-demon sorceress from Hell and adopted by the Sirens with a terrifying cyborg for her big brother. Cass could get away with murder and B would still think her perfect, the rest of them couldn't get away with shit without getting the stink eye. Stephanie was the glitter loving, ask kicking, waffle queen of spoilers. Tim was a caffeine addict who suffered extreme sleep deprivation and could take over the world in less than an hour if provoked. He was middle child, and stuck as such, while seeking to keep the peace. Damian was a vegetarian, raging ball of animal loving right, and would totally stab you if you annoyed him, but would totally kick an enemies' ass if they threatened anyone in his family. Alina; while totally adorable and a sweetheart, was proof B couldn't keep it in his pants, and Selina was too good for B. Terry was Duck Dodgers. Lian was Jay's honorary daughter. Helena could rob you blind, and get away with it, while she smiled sweetly at you. Mar'i was far too pure for them, and somehow, she was a Bat, he didn't know how it was genetically possible for something so perfect to be a Bat, but she was. Thomas was King of Hide-N-Seek. B Jr didn't understand gravity, nor fearing gravity.

These were the facts of life. Irrefutable in his mind, however, as he struggled to hold the baby behind his back and keep the smile up, he knew they were so dead when Cat found out.

"Uh-huh, where's the body?" Cat asked, folding her arms as she lifted a brow and cocked her hip.

"Have we mentioned how wonderful you look mom?" Damian asked with cheer.

Selina's eyes narrowed on them.

"Absolutely lovely, what did you do with your hair!?" Tim tried, nervously, whilst rubbing the back of his neck. Duke could feel the sweat rolling down his temple as he felt the nervous smile waver under the unwavering green eyes of his mom.

"Who'd you kill?" Selina asked flatly.

"NO ONE!" "Not Luthor, I mean, might've blown up his labs!" "Damian Did It!"

Both he and Damian snapped their attention to Tim. "Habit."

The baby squealed, and they all paled as they nervously glanced over at Selina who was now blinking. The baby did it again.

"Shut up Lug!"

"We are so not naming him Lugh." Duke snapped at Damian then.

"McGinnis is Irish, I see no qualms with the name I have selected," Damian retorted. "Lugh was a King and Warrior."

"Not happening!" Tim and he snapped.

"Please tell me you did not take after your father and abduct a baby?" Selina sighed.

"Is it abducting if it's technically his kid!?" Duke asked, pulling the baby they had found around to be against his chest, the six month-ish old baby smiled at him, and Duke smiled back. Kid was kind of cute.

"Oh You Have Got To Be Fucking Me!?" Selina sputtered and groaned as she dragged her hand through her mused curls. "Sit down, and gimme the damn kid!" she snapped as she walked forward.

Duke relinquished his hold on the ivory white baby to Selina's grasp, and watched as his mom blandly look at the baby who was curiously assessing her. Duke hastily took a seat at the kitchen island.

"You have precisely two hours before B will be back, start talking," Selina stated as she started pulling out the supplies to make the baby some formula. "And you were supposed to be touring colleges! Not getting into trouble," Selina stated.

"We were!" he and Tim hastily assured.

"Besides, I'm going to Princeton, then Georgetown," Duke defended. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life, and he would do it. It would work.

"Uh-huh," Selina said blandly. "And how do you explain this cutie!? You are cute," she added, looking at the baby, who laughed bubbily as he grabbed her pendant and sucked on it.

"Uh… that's a long story," Duke said nervously.

"You have two hours, start talking."

"So we went to Metropolis, not to blow it up, but MTU is there and I did say I would tour colleges, Tim had a meeting with Luthor, and Dami... Dami? Why were you there?"

"Because someone needed to supervise."

"We had everything undercontrol!" he and Tim snapped.

"What. Were. You. Doing. In. Metropolis. Exactly.?" Selina grounded out pointedly.

"Uh... would you believe me if I said there was a record there I was after?" Duke offered nervously.

"We were hunting a meta-human smuggling ring which has deep ties with Luthor's old associates." Tim stated.

"Oh this is going to be good," Selina sighed. "Continue." It was in Selina's 'I dare you, do it, so I can say I told you so' voice.

"I feel like this is a trap," Duke stated.