It's okay.
No, really, it's okay.
I mean, we love each other, right? Me and Elsa.
I mean, seriously, can't get enough. Like, at least five times a day I MUST find her and snuggle her. She's just so warm...and hot...ugh, can somebody be warm AND hot at the same time?
I mean, sure it was kinda awkward at first. I dunno, maybe being by herself for so long made her...unaware of certain...desires?
Not me though, nope! All that free time and there's only so much of the castle to explore, ya know. So I had plenty of time to get acquainted with...me.
And from the first time I saw her, that day at the coronation, it was like somebody dumping cold and warm water on my head. Wait, cold and warm? Lukewarm? Okay, so not lukewarm. Hot...and then cold. Cold, like really, really hot.
Maybe I don't get it, but how can somebody just...roll out of bed and be, you know...insta-sexy. It's totally unfair. Not unfair to her, but me...yeesh...okay, so I love Elsa, but she has this...thing.
For awhile I thought it was ME who wasn't good looking? I mean I know I'm nothing special, even though Elsa always tells me otherwise...but, well how do I say this? It's like a good sword, I guess. You can appreciate it for how it looks, know everything about it, and know how to maintain it...but if you don't USE it, don't feel that fire in your belly that you just wanna...GRIP the handle and SWING it. Make it sing! It's kinda...can swords get frustrated?
So I tried to show her...THAT was weird. I mean, weird good, for ME. Because Elsa is, you know, smoking hot. I could keep that in bed and have fun all day AND all night. And she makes the cutest little noises.
But sometimes she gets this look in her eyes when I'm doing...my thing. It's like she's watching paint dry. I told her so, hoping she wouldn't be mad or embarrassed, because...you know! Feedback is good and an important factor for improving future...activities!
She apologized, of course, and I pinched her cheeks, reminding her she didn't have to apologize for anything between us. She told me I was beautiful, for like, the millionth time. She told me she didn't really understand or feel anything in her tummy in regards to 'sexy', but that if sexy was a scientifically provable thing that I must be it.
She said that the things we did together in bed were nice, but that eating chocolate together was nice. Going on horseback rides was nice, even if her butt gets bruised sometimes. I don't like that; it's my favorite pillow. She thinks that's weird, but she never stops me. Anyway.
I told her she's like a cat. You know, your cat loves you and depends on you, but it shows affection in funny ways. Butting its head against yours, leaving claw marks up and down your arms...not like THAT! Okay, sometimes I wish Elsa was like that, but there's another...oh it's frustrating.
So you'd think, me being the curious one about my body all along, that I'd be able to...last longer, maybe. Well, you'd be wrong. Elsa may be a three year old when it comes to swinging swords, but she does this thing with her magic on me that's just...cheating!
TEN SECONDS! TEN! I swear to the Gods, I'm lucky if I last a minute! It's like, all my nerves get fried! In a good way! Can that be a magic power, like ice? Can she just have this totally unfair, um, 'sex magic'? Because I'll spend ALL NIGHT on her and consider myself lucky if she gets even ONE orgasm!
And it doesn't even frustrate her! She tells me to stop keeping score, but I can't help it, I'm competitive by nature!
You'd think practicing would have helped, would have given me the edge! Ugh.
But it's okay.
No, really, it's okay.
That's what she says, too, at least when she forgets to be enthusiastic for me. It's okay. Like day old pancakes. How was it? Oh, it was okay. I'm trying really hard here, Elsa! Lie to me! I like positive feedback! I like touching you! You can't just give me five orgasms in half an hour so I fall asleep, that's just not fair.
But it's okay.
No, really, it's okay.
Bedposts don't have this crazy sex magic. I'll just go hump a bedpost or something. At least until Elsa is done with her evening meetings. Then I swear we are going ten rounds.