DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, I just like too mock it. I also do not own the Narnian lamp, despite how much I want too :P
This story was brought into existance because my friend Jessica, had not finished reading the book and was worrying about whether or not Hermione and Ron would live and would confess their 'obvious' love for each other. She was so worried that I wrote this too humor her. It pained me too kill Voldy, not so much Harry though. I know, I know "You don't like HARRY?" You AWFUL person you!" And yes, I know this story is short and awful, but it made her laugh, so it's all good. So yeah, please don't shoot me for the awfulness of this story and/or the fact that I hate Harry! Onwards...
The New And Improved Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
One day in the summer it was Harry's birthday. He got no presents cause the Dursleys continued too treat him like shit. Then he went too Hogwarts for his final year and that depressed him. Some boring school shit happened. Blah, blah, blah, quidditch, blah, blah, blah, homework, blah, blah, blah, you know the drill.
At the end of the year Harry went off with Hermione and Ron and they ran into Voldemort. Literally. He was so enraged that Harry knocked him over that he challenged him too a duel. Harry stood up as he was knocked down too. Hermione and Ron ran away and hid behind a lamppost, the one from Narnia, and watched the epic battle that followed.
Harry took one menacing step towards Voldemort. Voldemort had an evil glint in his eyes. Harry took one more step forward and…. slapped the evil dark lord on the cheek. Voldemort's face registered a look of shock and then in his blind rage… slapped Harry back! Harry rubbed his cheek with his hand, then slapped Voldemort once again. Voldemort's patience had just run out. He glared at the boy and then… bitch slapped the boy who lived. Now that was one hell of a bitch slap because Harry died right there.
Ron was shocked by the sudden death of his best friend that he ran out from behind the Narnian lamppost, screaming a war cry. Ron then jumped on the back of the dark lord causing Voldemort too have a heart attack. Hermione then reached into her robes and pulled out a can of "OMG! MY EYES!" pepper spray. She ran out and in front of the evil overlord. She sprayed the pepper spray into the evil snake-like eyes of the overlord. Now as if making the poor evil man have a heart attack wasn't bad enough, it turns out the feared lord was also allergic too pepper. Voldemort then died on the spot from a joined cause of the heart attack and an allergic reaction.
Ron and Hermione then forgot about their bastard of a best friend and confessed their love too each other. They kissed then later on got married and had kids.
The End