Time After Time
AN: I set it up so that when the lyrics of the song are from Lily's perspective they're bold, and when they're from James' perspective they're bold italic. Anything just in italic is a flashback or emphasis on something. I guess this could have gone in with The Stag and The Doe, but since it's a songfic and its longer than most of those oneshots I thought I'd to it seperate. R&R! Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling, and the song is Time After Time by Quietdrive.
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'Lily, I love you, more than anything in the world. I've been an ass my entire life... will you ever be able to put that behind us and see that I've changed?'
'I'm sorry James... I don't... I don't know...'
'Think about it, for me. Give it a week, and if you have decided that this change isn't enough, I'll leave you alone. Forever."
Lily lay in her bed, staring blankly at the canopy on her four-poster, the scene replaying endlessly in her head. 'Will you ever be able to put that behind us and see that I've changed?' He had announced it in the middle of the common room, unembarassed, walking away after his last word, up to his dormitory. Stunned, Lily had followed his actions, but anticipating her own bed.
Changed. The new improved James Potter that boarded the train, hair already messy but no longer being re-ruffled. That infuriating snitch tucked away, the jinxes that flung at others at random now only reserved for one person... but it had only been a week. A week for her to figure out whether it was all an act or if he had already changed. But now, she realized, only an hour. An hour to figure out James Potter, a task she had always thought would take a lifetime...
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new
An hour to decide whether or not to give him a chance... the one guy who had been after her since first year. The guy who cried when he found out Lily had kissed Severus back in fourth year (though he said it was more of anger and 'protectiveness' over Lily). The guy who had asked her out one thousand times or more.
You say go slow; I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
Fifty minutes.
And yet, he was also the guy who had just confessed his love to her, seriously. He was the guy who retaliated when people called her 'mudblood', the guy who always got the same concerened look in his eyes whenever she was upset.
'If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you; I'll be waiting
Time after time'
Time after time
Time after time
All her life she had put so much focus into ignoring 'Potter', finding his flaws and lashing out at them everytime one of them surfaced. She had put so much time into hating him, assuring herself she was so much better than him. Had that time been wasted trying to get ahead instead of perhaps falling back to get to know the real James, the one he was afraid to show?
There had been times... times before when the arrogance left his eyes and he had said things to her, things he would never have said infront of people. If there were people around, it would be 'alright Evans' and 'go out with me, Evans', never the 'you're so beautiful' and 'won't you give me a chance' that she heard far to little, perhaps only once a year if even that...
Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me I can't hear just what you've said
Forty minutes.
Her choice. The two options danced in her head, each spitting our pros and cons for each, and she was now mixing them up like a hurricane in her brain. Because in her opinion, there were only two options to choose from. No in between.
Her first option, the one that would have been so clear to her a week ago, was the one that screamed at her to let it go. Let it go and James Potter wouldn't be able to ask her out again... no more 'go out with me Evans' it would be all sad looks, distant smiles and James, hsi ego shattered into countless pieces (not, of course, that he doesn't have enough ego to go around).
Thirty minutes.
You say go slow; I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
The other option rose more and more prominent the more she thought about everything... the option that screamed louder, even, than the other. The option that would make her almost instantly James Potter's girlfriend. The 'go out with me Evans' would end this way too, without the sad smiles and the gathering of the pieces of his ego...
Twenty minutes.
Everything about James Potter was suddenly in perspective. Deeper than his sexy smile and wind-blown hair, she saw as though he had opened himself up the affection he had always felt for her, too proud to let it out. She remembered how horribly he had treated Severus before, always questioned his and Lily's friendship but... he had been right, hadn't he? Severus Snape turned out to be a Death Eater surrouned by Death Eaters, the leader of a seventh year gang. And yet after fifth year, he had refrained from talking about or jinxing 'Snivellus' when Lily was in range, though she was positive he kept on with his usual everytime she was gone.
Have at him, James, she felt herself thinking bitterly. After all Snape had put her through, even the third year James seemed an angel.
James who had visited her when she was sick, showed up at her house in the winter, freezing cold, to say Happy Christmas...
Ten minutes.
Lily lept out of bed, still clothed, not bothering to brush her hair or fix the mascara that streaked her face...
"James?"
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
He was not, though she had not really expected it, in the common room. He had gone up to his dormitory... the few people in the common room gave her odd looks... Lily Evans searching for James Potter? She thought she heard someone say to a friend, 'confunded'.
She burst through the door to the seventh-year boys dormitory, finding only Sirius, Remus and Peter, all staring at her oddly.
"Evans?"
"Where's James?" she asked, breathlessly.
Sirius sighed. "He went for a walk... you won't be able to see him if your looking for him... better not shatter his heart anymore, alright?"
"I... what..."
"You've taken all week, Lily, you win, he won't talk to you again, you can relax, go up to your room, and for God's sake brush your hair."
She looked around at them all. Remus, who she had always gotten along with, looked at his feet. Peter hadn't looked up the whole time and buried himself deeper in his blankets.
"I... well... grounds you say?"
"Yeah, and invisible. Give it up Lily, you don't need to confirm for him what he already knows."
"No," Lily said, strengthening her voice. "I don't think he does know."
She turned her back on the three and rushed out the door, out the portrait hole, into the grounds... she knew she had only a matter of minutes.
"James!" she called, running everywhere, past all the places she thought he might be, the tree, the lake side, the...
The ground came up to meet her quickly as she tripped over a root. She closed her eyes but the impact never came...
If you fall I will catch you; I'll be waiting
Time after time
Strong arms held her above the ground, then straightened her up. She looked around wildly, but noone was there.
Invisible.
"James?"
"You don't need to say anything, Lily, I get it, go inside, you're going to catch cold..."
"No, James, take that... make yourself... oh, please, make yourself visible James!"
She watched as James appeared, feet first, as though from thin air, then she saw the cloak draped over his arm... it was nothing important.
He looked at his watch, shook his head sadly, and turned to walk away.
"James... I..."
He couldn't talk, that was the promise he made... the clock had struck midnight and her time was up...
She started sobbing, after everything she had come to terms with, nothing was ever going to be the way she had thought, the way she had been planning for fifteen minutes...
After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm ok
He turned around then, watching her, that familiar look of concern crossing his face, but he did't come any closer to her, just stood where he was, thirty feet away. She started to walk towards him, but again, he shook his head, this time sadness painted on his handsome face.
You say go slow; I fall behind
The drum beats out of time
"Fine, if you're not going to say anything to me, listen. Just listen, James... You... I..." she couldn't figure out where to start, there was so much that needed to be said... "All this time I've been picking you apart, keeping with me all your flaws and setting aside everything that was good about you, everything you tried to show me whenever we were alone. Alone time which I had always tried to prevent, and usually succeeded. What you said a week ago, what you said combined with everything you've sincerely said over the past six years... James I... I..."
He started to walk away again.
"I love you!"
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
He stopped to turn around and look at her, stunned and confused, but as she ran towards him and flung herself on him, he caught her with perfect ease, and held her there, still not saying a word. She was crying again, so he let her sob into his shoulder before letting her down. He seemed unsure of what do.
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
"James," she looked up, tearfully. "If you're not going to talk to me... at least remember that, okay? I've been hiding it from you, from myself, from everyone... you put me through so much tonight," her tone turned angry. He looked scared and started to back away yet again... "Don't you walk away from me Potter!" she shouted. "Do you know how hard it was for me to put aside all that hatred I've shown you for years, tuck it away neatly in a box? Maybe I should go dig that box right up again Potter, or would you like to keep it as a souvenir? Yes, okay, you promised you wouldn't talk to me again, but promises can be broken, and this would be a good one to break."
He opened and closed his mouth several times.
"I'm sorry."
She turned up her angry, tear stained face to look him in the eye.
"You're right, I'm acting like I did years ago... stupid promises, acts and gimicks to make you like me... I'll always be here for you, Lily."
He sat down beside her on the ground, and when he was sure she wasn't going to explode again, he put his arm around her in a one-armed hug.
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
(I'll always be waiting)
"I love you, Lily."
Time after time