I don't know why I did this. I hurt myself.
…
When the Bough Breaks
…
Sometimes, when Neal is restless and he's got to rock him back to sleep, David wonders about the life he could have had with his daughter from the beginning. He wonders about the curl of her tiny fingers around his pinky, or if she would have giggled in delight as he blew raspberries on her belly. He gazes down at the perfectly small body of his son and wishes he would have held onto his daughter as well.
It's probably not the right way to think. He has so much to be grateful for now, so much to hold dear. He has a wife who loves him unconditionally, a son who already looks at him like he holds the world in the palm of his hand, a grandson who thinks he's fun despite what anyone else says. And he has his daughter. He has Emma. His beautiful, brave and strong baby girl.
And had he had the chance to go back and do it all again, he knows he'd make the same choices. He knows he'd bargain to ensure Emma's light magic, knows that he would send his daughter to an unknown fate for her best chance at escaping an evil curse. He would do it all again and have her suffer through the consequences over and over. Because love is sacrifice. And he would always find her.
But there are so many moments he wishes he could have had.
He dreams sometimes about what she would have been like as a young princess growing up in his care. She would have sworn off dresses and tiaras, choosing to climb atop horses and race with him to the nearest pond. She would have swum with him and battled him in wooden swordfights. His dreams sometimes reveal what it would have been like growing up in Storybrooke too – learning to ride a bike and going to school for the first time. He would have hugged her at the gate and she would have squealed and run away from him, yelling out for him to stop embarrassing her. Fiercely independent, his darling daughter.
He remembers many times in his life that have pulled him close to the brink of giving up completely, remembers the feeling of helplessness and desperation in each tiny second. Those moments have defined who he is, how he has approached his life – with hope and optimism. But there is nothing in his life that compares to the sadness he feels with himself for lying to his daughter.
The burden is surely one that he holds with his wife, but it is one that he carries in solitude as well. He made decisions which affected everyone around them, choices which shaped their situation and moulded it into what it is right now.
Those moments may have created light in their lives, but it brought about darkness all around them. And it's the pain of hindsight that has him seeing the error of his ways all too late.
When the door slams behind Emma, his first and only instinct is to go after her, to go after the light in his life who has brought him so much joy. He's known her from the second she was born, has seen her in his dreams for her whole life, but it will never be enough and he knows that. He knows that for all the moments he's dreamt up with her, she's never known them. She's only known how to walk a path alone.
That is, until she met Killian.
There might be two men in her life that Emma would listen to right now and one of them need not know about the horrible secret that has torn his family apart. So, rather than burden Henry, David turns to the pirate, suddenly seeing him in a whole new light.
He's disapproved from the sidelines from the moment Killian Jones laid eyes on his daughter, not out of any ill intent on the man in black leather, but rather for any man showing an inkling of interest in Emma. But he knows how much they mean to each other, has seen firsthand how much they love each other. He's not sure if either one of them has admitted it yet, but it will only be a matter of time. He's certain.
"Killian," he says, eyes meeting his across the loft. The pirate barely nods but, somehow, they both know what is to be done. It's something that they seem to have perfected when it comes to the protection of the woman they both love.
He knows he'll dream of her tonight, that he'll fall asleep as he settles Neal and he'll dream of both of his babies growing up side by side instead of over three decades apart. He'll dream of their blonde curls and pink skin, of horse rides and scraped knees. His heart will yearn for a different life for his family, one untainted by evil queens and curses that can never have the damages undone. He will dream of his happy ending and wonder if the sacrifices made all those years ago really mattered in the end. They may be heroes, but the author has certainly done them no favours.
The only comfort that comes to him is that, while he's dreaming of a life filled with so much happiness it could never have been allowed to exist, Emma will be warm and safe and in the arms of her happy ending.
Because he may have made some mistakes, but he will fight his hardest to ensure his burdens don't become hers.
…
Thoughts?