Death Threat Diner-- Delicious Delicasies for the Demented and Devious
Day One: Hello, Cookies
Cobra Commander cackles from his place in the corner booth.
With a sigh, Slade swings around from his place at the bar and fixes his single eye upon the masked maniac. "Stop that," he says disinterestedly. Beside him at the bar, the Amazing Mumbo cackles also, but the cackle freezes in his throat when Slade turns his steely gaze on the villainous magician.
The Bartender sidles up to Slade and cocks an eyebrow, "The usual?" he asks.
Slade nods, then turns and watches as an elderly woman enters the diner.
"Hello dearie," she says to Slade, "How about a cookie?"
Slade's eye narrows. "I don't think so, Grandma," he says.
"I'm not your grandma, sonny, but you can call me Grandma Ethel anyway," she says. Then, turning to Mumbo, she asks, "How about you, honey pie?"
The Amazing Mumbo grins, takes the cookie and chomps down on it. An explosion rings through the room, and Mumbo's head disappears in a cloud of smoke. A second later, Mumbo's head drops down from his hat and he cackles. "Wow! Nothing like an exploding cookie to clear the sinuses!"
Grandma Ethel chuckles sinisterly. "You were lucky that time, boy."
The Amazing Mumbo bows in reply.
"HI EVERYBODY!" shouts Loud Lad, barging in. The bartender grimaces, and pulls out some earplugs. Cobra Commander cackles in the corner.
"How'd you do?" asks Orochimaru, glancing up from the chess game he was playing with Lord Voldemort. "Did you finish off the pesky heroes you were blathering about last week so I can kill you now?"
Loud Lad coughes self-consciously and retires to the corner booth, ignoring Cobra Commander's cackling.
"Checkmate," the snake-like wizard says, setting down his white bishop.
"No, I can move here to counter your bishop," the snake-like ninja replies, making his move. "By the way, checkmate."
Cobra Commander glances over his shoulder at the board, then leans back and cackles.
Back at the counter, the bartender is engaged in dialogue with a new customer who calls himself Mecha One. The golden robot is searching for volunteers to be his intelligent minions, who will, "cause strife so the humans will not realize the great threat my armies pose."
The Bartender is trying not to nod off, seeing as he hears this sort of thing on a regular basis.
"Fudge, dearie?" Grandma Ethel shoves a box under the Bartender's nose.
"Nah," the Bartender replies, "I'm on a strict diet. No deadly desserts, it's a big setback." With a wink, the bartender pats his heavily muscled abdomen. "Tryin' to lay off the pounds," he deadpans.
Cobra Commander glances at the bartender's muscular chest and cackles.
Striding confidently in the door, Prince Humperdink marches up to the bartender and shoves at Slade, trying to dislodge the Arch-nemesis of the Teen Titans. For all the good it did, Prince Humperdink might as well have tried to dislodge a ton of concrete.
Turning and fixing his eye on the cowardly prince of Floren, Slade knocks him over with a solitary whack from the back of his hand.
Humperdink hops up, full of self-righteous indigence, and insists the Bartender remove Slade. The Bartender glares at Humperdink. "He's a regular. You aren't. Sit."
Humperdink sits quickly and obediently, fluffing out his cape after making sure he was set well beyond Slade's reach.
"Now, whadda' ya' want?" the Bartender demands, placing two very large hands attached to very large forearms attached to very large upper arms attached to very large shoulders attached to very large… well, you get the point. He slams his meaty fists down on the bar and leans forward.
The easily intimidated Crown Prince of Floren gibbers for a moment, then orders a large mug of mead.
The Bartender shrugs and heads off to fill the order.
The door swings open again, and Darth Vader enters, followed by Artemis Fowl and Butler.
"What can I get you folks?" the Bartender asks, walking over. Artemis sits while Butler sizes up the Bartender.
"Spring water, no ice." Artemis answers, picking the slightest bit of lint from his Armani suit.
Darth Vader walks over and observes the final stages of the best two out of three chess games, in Orochimaru's favor. Darth Vader uses the force to move one of Voldemort's pieces.
"Checkmate," Vader rumbles, then turns and moves to the bar.
Orochimaru knocks over the pieces, spewing expletives.
Voldemort smirks, leaning back, then glances with annoyance in the direction of the cackling Cobra Commander.
Orochimaru re-sets the board. "Again," he demands.
Voldemort shrugs and moves his pawn forward.
Meanwhile, at the bar, Butler continues to glare at the Bartender.
"Look buddy, you wanna intimidate someone, you came to the wrong place," The Bartender says, shoving a glass and bottle of spring water at Artemis. "Enjoy."
"Cookie?" Grandma Ethel says, shoving the box under Artemis' nose.
"I think not," Artemis replies as Butler eyes the cookies warily.
"How about you, dearie?" Grandma Ethel continues, practically smashing Humperdink's nose in the process of offering the cookies to him.
"Um, no, thanks," Humperdink says.
"Oh, drat," Grandma Ethel gumps.
Cobra Commander cackles from his corner booth.
A/N: Just in case anyone was wondering, Grandma Ethel, Loud Lad and the Bartender are OCs. The rest were coined via someone else's genius... though how I wish I could take credit for their masterpiece! Also, I must give credit to my brother and sister (child of storms), who helped come up with a crowd of villains --original or not-- for this fic. thanks guys! (And thanks to Asterisk78, for her beta work also... yes, yes, I know, it's in the present tense. I still think it's funny you didn't notice until the end of the chapter...)