Gandalf the White, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas Greenleaf and Gimli son of Glóin were escorted to the gates of Edoras. Upon arrival, the Doorward of Théoden, Háma, accosted them.
"All weapons left at the door," he informed them.
The all looked at each other before Legolas shrugged, giving up his bow and knives. "Now," he said, "Be really extra super duper mega special careful with them because Galadirel gave them to me."
Háma looked confused. "Who in the bloddy hell is Galadriel?"
Legolas sighed with impatience. "She's the Lady of the Golden Wood."
Gimli giggled, Legolas joining in. "Legolas, you said -"
"I know," whispered Legolas, still laughing. "Shhh..."
Háma just rolled his eyes, tossing the bow behind his back. It promptly bounced right back and hit him in the ass. Legolas and Gimli laughed even harder. Hama rubbed his backside, scowling at the bow, which now lay on the floor. "Right, then." He looked expectantly at Aragorn, who was hugging Andúril close.
"I don't want to give you my sword! You're a bad man!"
Háma tapped his foot impatiently. "But you have to! Theoden said so."
"Oh, fuck Théoden!" Aragorn snapped. "I'm way cooler than him! Plus I age slower." He pointed to an un-wrinkled cheek. "See? I'm older than him and I don't even have any wrikles! Besides," his voice whent dangerously low, "Gondor could kick Rohan's ass any day..."
"Oh, it's on now-" Háma drew his sword and pointed it at Aragorn, who was waiting eagerly, Andúrlil looking like it was itching to feel some blood (if swords could itch). Gimli stepped up, waving his axe and sticking out his tongue. Unfortunately for Aragorn and Gimli, Gandalf intervened.
"Now, now, Aragorn. Why do you always have to be the instigator? Here, Hama. Take Glamdring. Do whatever the hell you want with it; I don't need it. I am a wizard, after all." He tugged at Aragorn's sleeve. "C'mon, Aragorn."
Aragorn glared at Háma, leaning Andúril against the wall. He knelt beside it for a few moments, gently stroking the blade and cooing soft elvish words of love. Legolas blushed furiously, for some of the things Aragorn was saying were things you would only say to your lover.
After a few minutes, he stood. "No one is allowed to touch her, you got that? If you so much as breathe on my sword I will use it to castrate you, understood?"
Háma just paled and nodded slowly. Gimli snorted. "Well, it ain't much, but Betsy will stay here and keep Anduril company." He laid his axe on the floor in front of Anduril.
Legolas started giggling again. "Betsy?"
Gimli kicked him in the shin. "Like Andúril and Glamdring are good names! At least I didn't name it after a certain Elf..." Gimli snickered.
Legolas stopped laughing. "You wouldn't."
"Oh, no. Belive me, Elf - I would."
The other three watched with interest. Legolas laughed nervously, clamping a hand on the Dwarf's mouth. "Well, perhaps this is a conversation left better for later. Shall we continue on to see Théoden, then?"
"Wait, one moment!" Háma cried. The four looked back. "You have to leave your staff here, too, Gandalf!"
Gandalf huffed. "Indecency! I'm old and decrepit! Let me keep my dignity!"
Háma seemed taken aback. "Well, in that case..."
"Sucker!" Gandalf ran off at full speed.
Háma sighed. "Didn't see that one coming..." He went back into the gate house, planning on oogling the pretty new shiny things for him to play with. He was deciding between Legola's intersting bow and the ever so illuminescent Andúril when he noticed he was being watched. He turned, seeing Aragorn peering at him from around the corner.
"I'm watching you! Touch Andúril and you can kiss your wanking days goodbye!" He yelped, being yanked away.
Legolas pulled the ranger most unwillingly in the direction that Gandalf had bolted off in to. Aragorn continued to resist the Elf, sticking his head back around the corner and scowling at Hama at least three more times before Gimli just kicked him in the head. Once they were completely gone, Háma laughed.
"Ha! What a nut job. No wonder he's not king! Rohan kicks ass! Yoink!" With that he pumped his fist into the air and took Andúril, running off into the sunset.
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