All At Once

Well, I'm back. I've decided to work on both the sequel to How to Save a Life and this one, which is basically a look at MerDer in what I hope will happen for the rest of the season, based on this whole Finn angle or whatever. Drama, romance, etc is sure to ensue. But the reason I started this first is because I had a clear idea about it, and I'm still working on a storyline for the sequel, which will hopefully begin in the next few days. I'm on spring break and, as I'm boring, am not going anywhere, so I'll have a lot of time. And by the way, All At Once is another song by the great band The Fray (as was How to Save a Life) because the lyrics just reminded me of MerDer. Anywayz, enjoy, and review plz. It starts not too far from where we left off this season.

"Morning."

Derek? She thought blearily. Shit. She caught herself right before saying that name. She'd been dreaming, obviously. That was the only time she woke up next to Derek.

Meredith opened her eyes and blinked at the ceiling. For a brief moment, she felt surprised by the absence of hangover. But then her mind seemed to wake up and she realized that this was not the normal morning after, the one with some guy she had met and slept with after meeting in a bar and was planning on discarding in the time it took him to get out of bed.

She turned on her side and met his eyes. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." Finn smiled easily. Meredith returned it, feeling awkward. This was the point of conversation where she'd stick in her famous line…something about taking a shower, and when she got back here, he wouldn't be there.

But he would. She thought so, anyway. For how long, she wasn't sure.

They'd been on several 'dates' now. She didn't call them that, except in her head, and even then they were accompanied by quotations, as though that made them any less real.

Christina and Izzie thought it was great. They encouraged her, they thought he was gorgeous; they were already debating on his nickname.

Meredith told them she didn't want to talk about that yet. Christina found that hilarious. She'd said, "Oh, yeah, you have to really get to know a guy before we McNickname him, huh? That's like a pre-engagement thing?"

She didn't know what this was. A relationship? But what the hell kind of relationship had her thinking of Derek every few moments when they were out somewhere together?

Derek. Her ex. Her new 'friend'. And Addison. His wife. Also her 'friend'.

Supposedly.

Did friends have to remind each other that they were friends for every conversation they had? Addison and Derek were constantly adding as a friend or because we're friends to their comments to her.

Meredith doubted it. She also doubted that anyone experienced what she felt when she was around Derek with just a 'friend'.

And friends told each other when they were dating someone new, right?

Finn stood up and headed to her bathroom. He smiled at her in that charming way as he went.

Later, Meredith walked into the kitchen to find Izzie sitting at the bar eating a muffin. She raised her eyebrows and grinned. "Late night?"

Meredith shrugged.

"Where is McSexy?"

Meredith made a face.

"No? You don't like it." She sighed. "We'll have to come up with something else."

Finn entered the kitchen. "Morning, Izzie."

"Morning."

"Hope we didn't keep you up last night." He said smoothly with a grin, resting a hand lightly on Meredith's back.

Izzie bit back a smile. "I'm sort of used to it." Meredith glared at her. "I mean. . .with our old roommate." She glared back a Meredith.

Finn approached the oven. "Those muffins smell great, Izzie. You mind?"

"Help yourself." She turned to Mer and whispered, "McCharmy."

"No." Meredith hissed back, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I gotta take off. Got patients just like you guys." He gave Meredith a soft, quick kiss. "We're still on for tonight?"

"Course." She smiled.

"I'll come get you at work. Eight, right?"

She nodded affirmatively.

"Alright. Well, I'll see you then." Walking toward the door, he called back. "See you, Izzie."

"Bye!" Izzie turned and grinned at Meredith. "McYummy."

"Give it a rest."

"Meredith, seriously, why are you not more happy? He's a great guy, and he's totally gorgeous."

"I know, I get that. He's a great guy. He makes me laugh. I have fun with him, and that's something. It really is, especially for me. I just feel uncomfortable about it."

Izzie was quiet for a moment. "It's Derek, isn't it?"

Meredith stared fixedly into her mug as she poured cream into the coffee and watched it swirl. Finally, she answered, "Yeah, a little. I'm sorry, but it is, and you don't get to judge me on that because I can't help it."

"How long are you gong to let him ruin your life?"

Meredith scowled at her. She was so sick of having this conversation in about a hundred different varieties with Izzie and Christina. Get over him. As if the desire was all it took. As if she was somehow choosing to keep feeling like this. "I can't help it. You never listen to anything I say. Besides, I'm just not quite over him. Yet. I will be. We're friends."

"That's not what you want."

"But it's all I get. It's all I'm ever going to get. I need to start. . .I don't know, accepting that. And Finn's great. And you have to admit, this is a big step up from meaningless one night stands."

"True." Izzie paused, then said slyly, "So since you and Derek are such good friends, are you going to let him know about your new boyfriend? Friends tell each other those things."

"No, I'm not. And do you know why? Because I told you and Christina, also my friends, and it was clearly a mistake."

Izzie lifted the mug to her lips and sipped. "Well, he's going to find out eventually. Probably sooner than later, seeing as he's picking you up at work now."

Meredith's eyes widened. "Oh, God. I did tell him to pick me up at the hospital, didn't I? Why did I do that. . ."

"The real question is, why do you care?"

Meredith felt slightly panicky. "I just don't want him to know yet, okay?" Why didn't she? It made no sense, really. . .he was married. She could date if she wanted to. But she had that same feeling she had when she told him she'd slept with George. She didn't want to see that look on his face again.

And this was worse. She was dating.

"It's just a little awkward." She muttered.

Izzie grinned. "Your new friend Addison will be thrilled."

Meredith gritted her teeth. "Addison isn't my friend. And she has no reason to care one way or another who I date."

"She does, though. It gets you out of the way."

Meredith was becoming more annoyed with Izzie as the conversation progressed. "I'm not in her way. In case she missed it, he picked her. If she's not even satisfied with that than she can just-"

"Meredith, chill. Whether you are or not, I don't know, but she definitely sees you as being in her way."

"Yeah, that's why she's so into us being 'friends'." Meredith said bitterly.

"Well, no offense, but get over it. Take yourself out of her way for sure. That's what it's going to take for you to move on and properly enjoy your very hot boyfriend."

Meredith was quiet. Finally she said, "I just…don't know if it will ever be enough. He's not Derek."

Izzie spoke in a kinder tone. "I know he's not. But you have to learn to be okay with that. That's what moving on is."

"I just thought. . .I don't know, Izzie, for the longest time after he picked her I thought it would just. . .not work out. They didn't get along, they didn't even seem to like each other. . ."

"Well, there was a lot of damage there. You know that. And then there was that shadow hanging over them. . .you. No wonder they fought all the time." Meredith was silent, so Izzie continued, "And that's changing now. I mean, they're far from the epitome of love and devotion but. . .they give along better. And you know it."

"Gee, thanks." Meredith said sarcastically. "We're going to be late, by the way."

Izzie stood and she and Meredith headed for the door. But Izzie wasn't done yet. "If you think you and Derek can be friends, that's great, do it. But don't do it for the wrong reasons."

"Like what?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Don't do it because you think it will lead for something, and don't do it because you think you can keep his attention away from Addison."

"I'm not. And shut up."

Izzie bit back a smile. "Just be Derek's friend, and enjoy McHunky."

Meredith winced. "That's the worst one yet."

"Fine. Just do me a favor with this one."

"What?"

"Clear up his marital status first."

"I hate you."

XXXXXX

Derek Shepard took the last sip of his coffee and tossed the cup in the trash. He started to go into his patient's hospital room when he noticed Meredith down the hall. He turned in her direction and quickened his steps to catch up.

"Hi."

Meredith turned and smiled at him. "Hi."

"So now that Doc's all healthy again…we on for walking him in the morning?"

"Course." Morning walks with Derek and Doc. Addison wasn't invited to those. For those brief walks, Meredith got to forget about everything Addison had taken from her.

"Great." He stopped walking, and she did too. They faced each other. He smiled. "Can't wait."

She nodded.

"Well, I gotta take off. See you later?"

"Yeah." He walked off down the hall. "See you."

"Meredith!"

Christina was shaking her head at her, approaching from the opposite direction. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You were having a McDreamy moment."

Meredith scowled. "Never use that expression again, first of all. Second, I wasn't. We were just talking. As friends. We're friends." There she was, saying the word friend so much. She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than Christina.

"If that's your story." Christina shoved a cup of coffee at her, then without waiting for a thank you said. "You're welcome. So how's Finn?"

"He's great." Meredith said defiantly. "He stayed over last night. We had sex."

"Uh, great. Thanks for sharing." She took a sip of coffee. "And what does Shepard think about it? Seeing as you two are such good friends."

This was all sounding very familiar. "What, do you and Izzie rehearse these questions? No, Derek doesn't no yet. No, I'm not completely over him. And no, I'm not being friends with him for some twisted plan to pull him away from Addison. And yes, I realize they get along better and I no longer have a chance."

Christina looked taken aback. "Okay then."

XXXXXXXX

Meredith was in surgery with Bailey later that afternoon. She began to think about what her friends were saying. Why was it exactly that she didn't want Derek to know?

There was that look, of course. She didn't want to see it again. She knew that was stupid; he had no right to be angry or hurt or jealous or whatever the hell it meant about anything she did.

She was afraid of seeing that look, yet she was also afraid of not seeing it. Yeah, she hated that expression. . .but how would she feel if he just smiled and said congratulations, said it was great, acted like he didn't care? She didn't want that, either. And she felt guilty for thinking it, knowing that she wanted him to feel bad about it. Knowing she wanted him to feel something for her.

And then there was the matter of connection. She didn't want Finn connected to Derek. She didn't want to have more of a reason to think about him while she was on a date. She wanted to keep the world's separate: dating Finn, trying to be friends with Derek. . .both were complicated enough on their own. The worlds shouldn't meet. Not until she could deal with them both.

Meredith shook her head slightly, disgusted with herself. All these thoughts made it very clear that she was not the right person to be in a relationship right now. Nothing good could come out of it.

Then there was the matter of that evening. Finn was coming here, to the hospital. He was entering the other part of her world, so to speak. The wrong part.

XXXXXXX

It was the end of a long day. Derek was looking forward to getting home and sleeping. He'd just come out of a particularly long and complicated surgery; it had been a success, however, and he was feeling quite pleased.

Derek was heading out into the lobby, looking for no one in particular; maybe Addison, to let her know he was leaving, or for Meredith, to confirm their plans for the morning. He passed the front desk and heard someone call his name, "Dr. Shepard?"

He turned, and was surprised to see Dr. Dandridge, Doc's vet. "Dr. Dandridge, hi. Good to see you."

The two men shook hands. "You, too. How's Doc doing?"

"Healthy as ever."

"Glad to hear it."

"Everything all right?"

Finn smiled. "Oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for Meredith."

Derek's smile faded into a look of confusion. "Waiting for Meredith?"

"Yeah, we've got dinner plans." Finn obviously thought that Derek, as Meredith's good friend and co-owner of a pet, knew about their situation. "Oh, there she is."

Meredith's steps stopped and her stomach lurched into a feeling of dread as both men turned to look at her.

"Hey, baby." Finn met her and put an arm around her.

"Hi." She said softly. Her eyes were on Derek's. He somehow managed to come up with a combination of shock, hurt, and confusion in one expression.