Desidero Tu (Miss You)
SarahSoph
SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine; I'd be doing some serious hooking up if they were. They belong to CBS etc. etc. etc. I am not making any money out of this, I'm just having some fun with some wonderful characters that I don't have the brilliance to come up with.
Note: I personally haven't seen the new season yet; so all my info is based on what I have heard from other people. I might have gotten things wrong. I just had the idea and I really wanted to go somewhere with it.
It's been months since she left but it still doesn't feel like it. In his mind it all happened yesterday and every day he still expects to see her. But doesn't.
It's Mac and Stella in the layout room, going through evidence, brainstorming a case. Not her. It's Chad in the lab running results, presenting findings. Not her.
And worst of all, in the locker room, it's Lindsay at her locker. Not her. He still expects to see her there at the locker, door open, picture of the team tacked on the door. But every time he goes in there, every time his eyes are drawn to that locker, Aiden's not there. Sometime Lindsay's there. She hasn't taped any picture or anything up yet. He's not sure whether to be pleased about it or not.
He feels like a ghost around here without her. He doesn't think as clearly, doesn't react as quickly without her around. And everything is just that little bit distanced.
Stella told him what had happened, so very obvious that Mac had not wanted to be the one to tell him. Afraid of Danny's reaction, his anger, he supposed. But there wasn't any. Just shock. And wonder. It surprised even himself, but Aiden Burn did not affect him in the usual ways. He couldn't contemplate how she could have done such a thing. She was always the one pulling him back from the brink, keeping him from crossing the impossible line. It didn't seem right that she'd been the one to step over it. He still wasn't sure if he believed it.
He tried calling her over and over for two weeks afterwards. At least twice a day, usually more. He left millions of messages. And after one particularly pathetic and desperate message from him, he came home to find his answering machine blinking. One new message. Somehow he knew that it was her. No one called him during the day and definitely not at home. The machine was hardly ever used. She would have known that he'd been working. It saddened him to think that his best friend would be avoiding him like that.
After so long desperate to hear her voice, he was suddenly scared. It took him a full half hour to convince himself to press that play button. Then he played it five times in a row. Hearing but not hearing. That voice he loved and missed so much tells him calmly five times over, that she wants him to stop calling, five times that he should get over it, it's her fault, they're both better off not working together. All the stuff he doesn't want to hear, but can't stop listening to.
Despite the calmness he hears in her voice, he thinks he hears some tears behind it all, but then realises that he's just kidding himself. He's trying to hear what he wants to hear.
Somehow it all feels like a rejection, the worst he's ever had. No other girl ever broke his heart like this. All this and he hadn't ever dated her. He doesn't know why it hurts so much.
And despite the fact that he missed her, he stops calling. She told him to so he listened. Because he loves her.
There was a confrontation with Lindsay early on in the locker room. She was sick of him, sick of how he treated her and she wasn't afraid to tell him so. 'Just like Aiden' he thought before stopping himself. She's not like Aiden, never can and never will be, because no girl will ever affect him that much ever again. Lindsay yells and he ignored her mainly, throwing in a biting remark every now and then when he feels like it. Lindsay knows she's not having any effect on him at all. "What is your problem with me?" she asks finally, leaving when she gets no answer.
When she's out the door he leans his head against his locker and whispers, "You're not her." After that he ignored Lindsay completely.
It wasn't the only problem with someone he had at work. There was Mac as well. It was only a matter of time. Danny had been bordering on disrespectful to Mac ever since Aiden was fired. It started the way he expected. Mac trying to start off sounding like he understood. He said something about being lenient for a while, but he should have gotten over it by now. A new partner is a big change, but they've both had enough time to get used to each other now and should be working as a team.
"You've been disrespectful to her, you've been disrespectful to me. You know you've already been involved in some … incidents Danny, especially this past year. You need to pull up your standards before I'm forced to fire you!"
At these words Danny was reminded of Aiden and he finally got angry at Mac about it. Before he knew it, he was yelling. This was what Mac had been expecting initially. It came now, a month later, finally directed at Mac.
"Like you fired Aiden? She didn't even do it Mac!"
Mac could only raise his voice in response. "But she thought about it! That's what counts! I can't have someone who thinks like that working for me!"
"Why does everyone around here have to be so friggin' perfect? People make mistakes, it's part of life!"
More angry words passed between them before Danny gave up. He snapped once "Well maybe I'm not cut out for it around her." And left. Left Mac's office and left the lab.
He walked around the city for hours afterwards, thinking about what he'd done and thinking about her. He always thought about her. He finally made it home in the early hours of the morning, completely exhausted but knowing exactly what he should do.
The next day at work, he turned up early at the door to Mac's office. He apologises as sincerely as he can sound, promises to clean up his act. Mac accepts the apology and tells him to get to work. Danny wonders how he could accept it so easily. He thought Mac could tell for sure he didn't mean it. He was happy that everything got said the day before; there was nothing he wanted to take back. But he's prepared to clean up his act.
There's no way he can leaver here, he knows that instinctively. This job seems like it was what he was born to do. It's also the only thing he's got to remind him of her. That and the message he still can't bring himself to erase from his machine.
From then on he tries to be the perfect CSI. Observant, respectful. Reports are in on time. He doesn't let his temper get out of control. He's nice to Lindsay.
It's all superficial and he's certain that everyone knows it, but no one ever calls him on it. It keeps him out of trouble.
He thinks about her a lot after work. He tries not to while he's in the lab, it's too distracting. Every now and then he can't help it and a small thing will remind him of her. But afterwards sitting at home, he goes over events in his mind, wondering what she'd think of them, what she'd think of him now.
He hates her sometimes. He can't help it. He hates her for leaving him so alone, hates her for leaving him with a new partner, hates her for not telling him what was going on, hates her for running off and hates her for leaving the message. It never lasts very long. A few minutes later he'll remember something about her, her smile, her voice, her laugh and he can't hate her anymore.
All he can do is love her.