Fractured Fairy Tales:
Little Red Riding Hood & Three Little Pigs
By: Lea Chen
Once upon a time, there lived an old lady, and her teenage granddaughter. Her name was Red. They lived in a quiet forest. On the other side of said forest, there were three little pigs living in three different houses. One was made out of straw, the second was made of sticks, and the third was made of bricks. The pigs, the old lady, and her granddaughter were basically the only intelligent creatures that lived in the forest.
One day, two wolf brothers arrived in the forest. Their names were Glup and Ruzna. They decided to live there. Right after they had finished digging a den, the wolves decided to look for something to eat. The older wolf, whose name was Ruzna, decided to go west, towards where the three little pigs lived. Glup decided to go east, to where Red and Grandma lived. (Ruzna and Glup are also known as Ugly and Stupid in Bosnian/Latin.)
Ruzna walked until he reached a small valley where three little huts stood. He smelled pigs. He thought up a plan, and walked confidently to the straw house. He stopped ten paces from the front door. Lowering his head, he charged through the building, into a very surprised pig! Feeling more than slightly dazed, Ruzna saw stars, and his lunch running through the hole that he made, before the structure collapsed on him.
Glup had not gone far before he saw Red picking berries. He'd never eaten a human before, but he was game for any meat. He somewhat successfully staunched his drooling and silently crept up to Red. Red seemed to sense something, or someone behind her, and turned.
Ruzna was in a fit of rage. All three pigs were camping out in the brick house. He was so angry, he knocked down the stick house, yelling and crying bloody murder. He sat down in the wooden ruins to think, staring balefully through a window, where the pigs were making faces and rude gestures at him. He suddenly had an idea. Cursing and pulling splinters out of the stern end of his body, he set Plan B into action.
Glup, not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, didn't kill her as she was turning. Instead, he grinned at her. "Arrr, 'ello Princ-"
He would've finished his sentence if Red hadn't swung her basket like a bat. She stared down her nose at the unconscious wolf, and kicked him, just to make sure he was out. She also spat on him for good measure. Then Red walked back home to brag about her first one-punch-knockout.
Ruzna grabbed a sizable rock and walked toward the window, hiding the stone from view. He stopped at a reasonable distance and lobbed the boulder at the glass. The pigs squealed and disappeared from view. Running, he jumped through the window and caught the pig that had lived in the straw house. Killing him instantly, he began hunting for the remaining pigs.
Glup woke to a horrible headache. He had a lump on his head the size of a chicken egg, and he felt nauseous. What he felt the most was the ugly blow to his pride. He'd been knocked out by a girl. A girl! He saw the footprints that Red had forgotten to hide. He gritted his teeth, fighting the nausea and began to follow the footprints.
Ruzna was victorious, despite having been stabbed three times with a kitchen knife, and scalding his tail. He ate two pigs, saving the last for Glup. He dragged Glup's dinner back to his den.
Glup had found Red's cottage, and was viewing it from the safety of a bush. Someone was making blackberry pie. After a while, Red came back outside, probably to collect more berries. Now was his chance. He slipped inside a second before the door would've hit him and given his position away. He crept toward the smell of baking pies. A moment before he rounded a corner, a very old woman walked past him, not noticing the ugly wolf who was crouching right next to her. Glup thanked Ruzna for giving him a horrifying bath after he had nearly drowned in a swamp. Glup hungrily ate five blackberry pies before he was satisfied. Then he tip-toed down the hall toward where the old lady was currently sleeping. He opened the door, and was promptly shot.
Grandma hastily reloaded her shotgun, waiting for the wolf to rise and lunge at her. When it didn't, she still shot it again. Then she pushed the wolf out onto the lawn for Red to bury. She was too old for burying.
After the pig had rotted, and Ruzna was forced to throw it out, he heard that his brother had died a humiliating death. Ruzna was never much of a hero, and he didn't want to end up like Glup. He became a vegetarian, living the rest of his life with the fear of ending up like his unfortunate brother. Red and Grandma continued life as if nothing had happened.
The End.