The Legend of Gundam Wing: Part Two
Character Associations:
Heero : Link
Chibi Bat Duo : Navi
Hilde : Darunia
Mr. S : King Dodongo
The Author : The Narrator
Katherine : King Zora
Trowa : Ruto
Mr. P : Jabu Jabu
Mrs. D : Barinade
I don't own GW or Zelda. Yay, nobody cares, on with the dumb story that nobody likes.
Chapter Three: The Ugly Monkeys"Uhh… Huh? Where the hell am I?" Heero spoke.
"Welcome back, Heero." Duo was sitting on a table a few feet away. "You can talk now, because when Dorothy knocked you unconscious, the author felt pity and took the tape off of you."
"Wow… shit, fuck, hell, damn." Heero made sure that he could speak. "Hell yeah! I can talk!"
"But only for one chapter."
"Whatever." Heero totally ignored Duo and was yelling naughty things out the window. After a while, he stopped. "Where are we, anyways?"
"At an Inn. I used your secret stash to get us a room."
"How much was it?" Heero began to dig into hammerspace.
"Ten a night."
"How long have we been here?"
"One night."
"How much did you spend?"
"Twenty."
"Then how come two hundred rupees is gone from my stash?"
"Room service." Duo grinned.
"YOU SPENT ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY ON ROOM SERVICE!?"
"Yup, and the food was good."
"I don't think you are seeing the seriousness of the situation here. The food had better been really good, because that's all the money we had left. We're poor, Duo, poor as hell."
"Poor as a bum?"
"Worse."
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Duo wailed.
The next day, the angry Heero and the bruised Duo had left the Inn.
"So, we're going to the mountain, right?" Duo asked.
"I guess so." Heero said. He beckoned Duo to follow him up the stairs. A gate was blocking their way to the mountain, with a guard standing next to it.
"Halt!" the guard put his hand out, telling them to stop. "It is dangerous past here!"
"But why?" Duo asked.
"First off, you'll probably need a metal shield. The monkey's images to wood makes it very flammable, and can be burned by the air around. Metal will almost melt, but it holds. Listen, can you do me a favor? My boy keeps pestering me… hey! Where are you going?"
"To get a shield. We don't have the time to listen to your kid bitch about some piece of crap he'll play with for three minutes and then burn it." Heero said cruelly as he and Duo walked off.
"Uh… Heero? Where are we going to get a shield?"
"I don't know. Let's go back to the flea market to see if they have one."
So, they went to the flea market, got a shield, and came back to the exact same spot they were standing on twenty minutes later. The author did no want to write a long dialogue about buying a shield. They came back, and the guard stopped them again.
"Oh, come on! We got the damn shield!" Heero argued. "Why won't you let us pass?"
"It's dangerous past here!" the guard repeated.
"Is that the only reason you have?" Duo growled.
"Well, we could have paid him off," Heero said. "If you hadn't spent all the money on room service!"
"Hey! I was hungry!" Duo argued. "I hadn't eaten in minutes!"
"Do you want me to kill you? You're certainly asking for it!" Heero pulled out his sword.
"C'mon! Bring it!" Duo held up his fists. Heero took a swing, and Duo dodged. The guard, unfortunately, didn't.
"Oops.." Heero said. "Uh, let's just sit him in the chair."
"I'll grab his head." Duo volunteered and picked up the decapitated man and placed his head back on his body.
"This never happened." Heero said as he took the keys from the guard.
"Nothing at all." Duo said as they walked past the guard and continued on towards the City of the Ugly Monkeys. Once they entered the city, they almost fainted from the rancid smell. There were high piles of garbage and poop everywhere, with sheets of metal on the sides. They kept walking, then suddenly, a sheet of metal moved, and a giant, ugly monkey came running out at them.
"HIIIIIIIIII!" the monkey screamed at them in an idiotic voice.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" the two heroes faces turned ghostly white as they screamed.
"Whatcha guys doin'?"
"We… we need to see your leader." Heero said.
"Oh, she's over dere." The monkey raised a fat, hairy finger and pointed it at the largest garbage pile. "Can I come wif you guys?"
"No." Duo said plainly.
"Oh." The monkey said. Disappointed, he turned around and went back into his garbage home. Heero and Duo shrugged, and walked to the largest pile of garbage.
"Uh… Do we just knock or something?" Duo pondered.
"Oh, screw it." Heero tossed the thin sheet of metal to the side, and walked in uninvited.
"How can you be so incredibly rude, Heero?" Duo flew in after Heero. They began to walk down a dark and smelly hallway, when they heard a munching noise. After a while, they saw a small point of light, and rushed towards it.
"Phew, we're out." Duo sighed with relief.
"…. What the hell is that thing?" Heero wandered towards a large monkey with a gargantuan beer belly, gross yellow teeth, and an unbelievable stench coming from its feet.
"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" the monkey screamed in greeting. Little food particles came flying from its mouth and landed all over Heero, while Duo watched from the doorway. "My name is Hildeeeeeeeeeeeee! And I own this place!" Hilde dug into a pile of garbage and pulled out a candy bar wrapper. "SEE? THIS IS THE DEEEEEEEEED!" (that was for you Miranda.) Heero and Duo couldn't think of anything to say, for too many insults filled their minds, and they couldn't think of the right one for the moment.
"That's nice….but we wanna get out of here A.S.A.P, So I'm not gonna beat around the bush---give us the magical item that we are supposed to get, otherwise…" began Heero
"Otherwise what?" Hilde asked
"Otherwise…" Heero looked at Duo.
"Well, there's nothing too horrible we can do to it, I mean Hilde is living in giant pile of garbage and poop." Duo said. Heero agreed.
"Listen, just give it to us." Heero said
"You have to go into the Banana cavern—and beat um up, beat um up!" Hilde said
"Beat who or what up?" Heero asked
"SCARY ugly LIZZZZZAAAAARRRDDDD MMAAAANNNNN!!!" Hilde said.
"Geez, I hope it isn't as ugly as you!" Duo said under his breath.
"Fine. It shouldn't be too difficult. I'm the main character, I can't die or get hurt!" He said.
"But… before we leave, I have a question to ask." Duo said with a smile.
"Yea?"
"Well, how come you don't go in and kill the scary lizard man yourself. I'm sure that there's nothing in that cavern that's scarier than you!" Duo laughed. Hilde growled.
"RUN FOR IT!" Duo darted out the garbage pile, and went back down the mountain with Heero right behind him.
Chapter Four: Into Banana CavernDuo glanced at the doorway of Banana cavern. "Well we found Banana cavern. But how do we get in?"
Heero stared at the colossal banana that blocked the entrance. "This is ridiculous, first in this sequel a city full of garbage and poop, and now this?!" He leaned on the giant banana and the ground started to rumble. He backed away and the giant banana fell over on its side, creating a dust cloud. As soon as the dust cleared, they both stumbled into the cavern.
"Well, in we…" Heero was suddenly cut short, for the tape had come back.
((DAMMIT! I was hoping that this wouldn't happen.))
"Oh well, let's go in." Duo glanced inside the cavern, and flew inside followed by an angry Heero. Computers and bananas were hanging all over the walls once they got inside.
((Huh? Computers?))
"Don't ask me. Maybe the boss is a nerd or something." Duo rested on Heero's shoulder. After figuring out the puzzles and stuff. They finally got to a small room with a loose piece of floor. Oh yeah! And Heero got some bombs!
((Hee, hee, hee.))
"Help." Duo yelped. Heero threw a bomb at Duo, and he flew up really high. The bomb landed on the floor and left a hole. Duo flew down there. "Hey! There's a room in here! Jump down there, Heero." He said. Heero did so, followed by Duo.
((Oh my….))
"What's wrong Hee… AH!" Duo flew down the hole and saw a giant lizard.
THE KING OF COMPUTERS
Mr. S (No relation to Ms. S., ladies and gentlemen.)
"Hey there, kids!" the lizard greeted. "Today we will be studying about the parts of a rocket! Now I have a presentation on Microsoft Power Point, and I'll be showing it to you!" the lizard said.
"Uh.." Duo's mouth was open in surprise.
"Now," a giant computer rolled out of nowhere to Mr. S's side. "Can anyone tell me what this is?" he pointed to a part of the rocket on screen.
((Oh! I know! Solid Rocket Boosters!))
"Solid Rocket Boosters!" Duo said.
"Good job! Have an M&M!" Mr. S tossed and M&M to Duo. Heero took it away and wrote something out in the dirt.
"Just let us out of here, and/or you will get stabbed in the Sapo Nuts." The Lizard man read. "Fine." He typed something into his computer, and a blue light appeared. Before they left, Heero took Duo's M&M and ate it. Duo started to whine as they were lifted out of the cavern.
Back at the entrance, all the monkeys and Hilde were waiting for the two heroes.
"Did ya get him?" Hilde asked.
((Uh.. yeah.)) Heero lied.
"Yeah! Thaaaanks!" Hilde reached into her pocket and handed them a stapler. "This is the item that will help yooooou!" The monkeys cheered, and ran into the cavern. Duo and Heero looked at each other and ran, not hearing the screaming noises coming from the cavern thirty seconds later.
Chapter Five : The Water CircusHeero and Duo unfortunately found out that the xylophone was a way to communicate with Wufei.
"MAN! GO TO THE WATER CIRCUS!"
"Ahhhhh! What the hell?" Duo asked.
((That sounded like Wufei.))
"That was me, MAN!" the xylophone said.
((Oh shut up.)) Heero put the xylophone into hammerspace. They eventually figured their way to the circus, but when they got there…
"Huh? Where's the circus? All that's here is a dumb, huge, waterfall!" Duo cried. "I wanted to see the elephants! I wanted to see the clowns! I WANTED SOME COTTON CANDY!"
((What are we supposed to do?))
"I'll fly through." Duo said. He glided over to the waterfall, and got ready to be torn apart by the raging current. Duo took a breath, and flew straight through the waterfall.
((You mean to tell me it's an illusion?))
"I… guess so. Go ahead and jump." Duo said. Heero did, and the waterfall took him downstream. A very wet and angry Heero came back to see that a man in a top hat had been talking with Duo.
((Huh? Duo, what are you doing?))
"This is the guy I was talking about." Duo said to the man. "Heero, you need to pay twenty rupees to get in."
((And you don't need to?))
"This little guy gets in free, because he's under four… feet tall." The man said.
((So is half the population of Japan.)) Heero frowned, and handed the man twenty rupees, which he had stolen from Hilde. He then jumped through the waterfall, and kept thinking to himself about how he got ripped off. After walking around for a while, they spotted a worried looking woman.
((Let's kill her!))"
"She probably has one of those special things!" Duo frowned.
((I need some blood!)) Heero made a muffled laugh. Duo sighed as they walked up to the woman.
"Uh, what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"He wants to kill you." Duo said like it was nothing.
"… Oh.. kay." The woman had a confused look on her face while Heero was still trying to attack her. "Listen kid. I'll give you ten rupees if you don't.
((Deal.))
"Hmm… hey, maybe you could help me." The woman said. "I'm Katherine. I'm the founder of the water circus. We founded this spot, and coincidentally it also happens to be earth's water source. I'm looking for my little brother, Trowa Barton, the Ass-less Wonder. He probably went to go commit suicide, or something." She said plainly. "So, will you guys help me look for him?"
"Sure thing, do you have one of those item majiggers?" Duo asked.
"Yeah, but Trowa has it. He's either inside Lord Mr. P or he's climbing the tree to hang himself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm mad at the Earth monarchy right now."
"What are you going to do about that?" Duo pondered.
"I have to go to the bathroom, then clean out the elephant cages." Katherine grinned evilly. Duo made a disgusted look on his face, and Heero smiled at the thought of a little surprise for Relena if she went to get a glass of water in the middle of the night.
The two hero's went out the back entrance of the circus, to reveal a large water filled area, with one tree and a giant walrus laying on it's stomach doing nothing. Heero glanced at the tree, expecting to see a young boy hanging from a rope, but there wasn't.
(( All right, where did that little bastard go?))
"The lady also said that he would be Mr. P or whatever it's name is." Duo looked around and spotted the walrus. "What's that?"
((A walrus. Let's go poke it with a stick.))
"I'll go and get a couple of sticks!" Duo said and flew up to the tree. He broke off a twig for himself, and a stick for Heero. After he brought them back, Heero grinned and ran over to the walrus and began to poke him.
((Heh…))
"Wait for me!" Duo glided over to the poking scence and began to poke the walrus with Heero. After a while, Duo finally noticed the sign placed next to the walrus. "Uh, Heero?"
((What?))
"It says: Don't poke the walrus, or he will eat you."
((Oh well, they probably did that to scare the people.)) Suddenly, Heero's stick broke into little pieces. He looked at the stick, then over to the walrus and pulled out the sword.
"Heero! There's another stick over there!" Duo pointed over to the stick in front of the walrus. Heero went over there, grabbed the stick, and began to poke the walrus from the front. Duo joined him in the poking fun, but didn't notice the angry look on the walrus's face then.
"ROOOOOOOAR!" the walrus… roared. The next moments were a blur for the two heroes. But I know what happened: the walrus ate them! HA HA HA!
((Goddamn, it reeks in here!))
"Can someone give this thing a 18-wheeler size Tic-Tac?" Duo complained, putting on an old army gas mask. "Let's go, Heero." Duo flew to the next 'room' of the walrus. Heero flipped off the ceiling, hoping the narrator would see it, and followed Duo. A young boy was in the next room when they entered.
"Hi there! Are you Trowa?" Duo asked.
"……." The boy refused to say anything.
((Did the author get to you too?)) Heero asked telepathically.
((Sure did, and some weird things have been happening ever since I've gotten in here.)) the boy said back.
"Those damn silent types. Don't let other people in their 'mind reading'." Duo grumbled.
((You're Trowa, right? Your scary sister is looking for you.))
((Yes, my name is Trowa Barton. My sister is looking for me? Really? Wait, she does that all the time. I was going to kill myself by getting eaten by the walrus, but apparently you can survive. I think she's making Sloppy Joes tonight, so I'll try to kill myself tomorrow.)) Trowa thought. Heero nodded and Duo felt left out of the conversation.
"Hey! Look what I can do!" Duo did some back flips in the air.
((I want to get out of here! But I lost my favorite doll, it looks exactly like me. So you need to carry me around and help me find it.)) Trowa thought. Duo was singing a song very loudly. Heero smacked Duo around with the wooden shield. Outside, Katherine was feeding the walrus.
"Open wide!" Katherine held a fish in her hand. The walrus opened its mouth, and the yelping sounds could be heard.
"I'm not going to feed you anymore beer like I did last night." Katherine said to the walrus and patted its forehead. The walrus snapped at Katherine, and she stepped back. "Stupid walrus! The tranquilizer for you!" she threw the poking stick at the walrus, turned around quickly, and went to get the tranquilizer.
Back in the walrus, Trowa, Heero, and a bruised Duo continued to search for Trowa's doll.
((Dammit, Barton! Where the hell is your girly doll?)) Heero smacked Trowa on the back of the head.
((Shut up, it should be around here somewhere.)) Trowa commented.
After a while, they finally found the doll was placed in the middle of a raised platform.
((My doll!)) Trowa pointed to a doll that looked exactly like him.
((Sorry, man, but that doll is mine.)) Heero demanded and pulled out the sword. Duo sat on Trowa's shoulder.
"I'm going with him now." Duo said.
((Traitor.)) Heero glared at the new pair of comrades. Trowa ignored Heero and climbed onto the platform, followed by Duo.
((Yes! The doll!)) Trowa held it up in triumph. Suddenly, the platform began to rise.
((See ya, losers!)) Heero grinned.
"Heero, you miserable bastaaaaaaaaaaard!" Duo yelled as the platform rose and they disappeared into a hole in the ceiling. The platform came back down, and a giant flamingo came down with it. Heero looked at the flamingo, and kicked it.
"Eee ee!" the flamingo squeaked. Heero laughed, and continued to kick the flamingo for a half an hour. He became exhausted, and the bruised flamingo ran away while it had the chance. Heero wanted to chase after it, but decided not to, and jumped onto the rising platform.
((…)) Trowa said nothing.
"Heero, he's boring." Duo said when the platform had risen.
((Yay for you, traitor.))
"Please take me back!" Duo pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeease?"
((Fine. Trowa, let's get out of here.))
((Well, we can't go up.)) Trowa thought.
"You mean..?" Duo didn't want to think it.
((We have to go through the digestive system.))
((Let's just go!))
Ten minutes later….
((Gundammit! What the hell is that smell?))
((Heero, do you know what Katherine does when she gets pissed at Earth?))
((Unfortunately yes… you mean, that's that on the walls?))
"Oh no…" Duo looked at the walls.
((Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the large intestine.))
"What's that noise?" Duo asked.
((Who cares? Let's just get out of here!))
* Splat *
I bet you never guess what hits poor Hee-chan next. I'll give you a few clues. It's big, brown, and steamy. Can you guess?
…… Time's up!
The answer is a huge giant chocolate birthday cake! I know what you were thinking, and that's just wrong!
"Cake! Yummy!" Duo flew over to the frowning Heero and swiped a bit of cake that was on Heero's cheek.
((I hate chocolate!))
"Let's just get out of here." Duo flew ahead of everyone. Trowa walked a steady pace while Heero wiped his face off with a napkin. Suddenly, Duo screamed.
P00fy Haired English Teacher
Mrs. D
"Wow, that's a lot of hair." Pai-Pai said.
((Are you sure that's her head?))
((OH MY GOD! She could be in competition with that scary Relena lady for the p00fiest bangs in the world!))
((Kill her.)) Trowa said-thought. So Heero killed her quickly. The blue light portal, blah blah, they are out.
((Thanks, Heero…)) Trowa said when they got out.
((Yoink!)) Heero grabbed the dolly, and he and Duo dashed out of the Water Circus.
"I guess we have to go and see Relena…" Duo frowned. They left the circus, hoping never to return.
((Good, after we give this crap to Relena, I'm going home!)) Heero cheered. But, little did they know that their adventure wasn't over yet, for there was a surprised waiting for them at the castle.
Continued in Part Three