AN: The following ficlett is not targeted at Christianity, Christmas, or anything genuinely religious, nor does it contain accurate information thereof; rather, it's a parody of TV cliches.
I do not own "Donught Man" or Grumpy Cat.
"Please Chrystal, I'll be good, I promise!"
My owner lifted me up like Simba, only backwards so I was facing her, and glared at me with a fury that almost matched the expression I wear 24/7.
"You were heckling Father O'Malley's entire sermon, Grumpy!"
"I'm a cat! No one but you heard anything other than meowing and an occasional sneeze."
Chrystal sighed. "I have to help set up for the church Christmas party. Since you're gonna act like a child, you'll spend the afternoon like one."
"Wait, where are you taking me?" I cried, as she tucked me under her arm and headed down the street.
She ignored my frantic snarky queries, and brought me to a small shop. My rambling immediately ceased when I realized I was in the most tantalizing bakery I'd ever smelled.
"Doughnuts and bagels!" I exclaimed. "You're dropping me off at a Hanukkah party?"
"No Grumpy. This is where my old Sunday School teacher works. Mr. Doughnut Man."
Deadpan, I replied, "Mr...Doughnut Man?"
Chrystal grimaced. "He's a little weird, but his heart's in the right place."
And then came a voice, the most irritating voice your dear Grumpy Cat has ever heard in her short miserable life, like Donald Duck and Gollum's unholy offspring on heelium talking over nails on a chalkboard.
"Oh, you'll love Doughnut Man!" the speaker was a doughnut. With eyes. "Just wait until you see what's coming out of the Wonder Oven today!"
"The 'Wonder Oven?' What's that, like where Wonder Woman bakes her brownies on the invisible Wonder Jet?"
"You be good for Doughnut Man." Chrystal said before hastily taking off.
"Chrystal wait-"
Suddenly the world lowered, as I was lifted up from behind. My kidnapper turned me around so I was facing his huge glasses and pornstache, and a huge, overly joyous smile. This kind of blissful happiness was Grumpy Cat's moral enemy.
Mortified I blurted out, "You'll never get anything from me but my name, rank and cereal brand!"
"Well isn't he a cutie!" Doughnut Man declared. "Susie, would you like to hold the kitty?"
And to my horror I realized the room was now filled with little gremlins, who all wanted to sing and dance and hold the cat. My curses against Chrystal were interrupted by a loud ringing noise.
"The Wonder Oven is ringing!" exclaimed Cookie Monster's pastry cousin.
"Oh!" Doughnut Man exclaimed. "The Scripture Bread must be ready!"
Rolling my grumpy eyes, I grumbled, "Seriously, what kind of name is 'the Wonder Oven?' What the heck was wrong with the Bat Ov-wait, did he say 'scripture bread?'"
"That's right!" exclaimed the talking doughnut. "While we were singing about being redeemed by Jesus, our scripture bread was baking in the Wonder Oven!"
"Let me get this straight," I stared at the doughnut unblinking. "You people-a Christian organization-put Holy Scripture in the oven?"
"Where else would be put it?" the doughnut replied gleefully.
"Um, some place that isn't sacrilegious? Look, I'm not really a praying cat, but even I can see something wrong with using Bible pages as a baking experiment."
"You know what your problem is?" the doughnut squeaked. "You're too cynical."
"And your problem is you're a creepy demon doughnut whose eyes never blink. Seriously, you don't even have eyelids. How do your eyes not dry out?"
Before I could get an answer, one of the little twirps scooped me up and followed the crowd to the Wonder Oven. I'd been expecting the Wonder Oven to be red, white and blue with a gold eagle or "W" somewhere on it, but instead it looked like that purple thing that hangs out with Ronald McDonald. Doughnut Man pulled opened the yellow door, and out of the oven slid the most horrifying abomination I'd seen in five full minutes.
Remember that McDonald's guy I mentioned a minute ago? Well picture that thing's face-with the googly eyes and the fishy little mouth-and put that face on a loaf of bread. Then, in a voice that had no right to exist outside the Muppet Show, the thing started quoting the Bible. Of course, the humans and the doughnut all laughed jovially, like they brought demon muppet bread to life all the time.
"Why are you all so happy?" I exclaimed. "This thing is creepy! It's the friggin' Bread of Satan! You put Bible verses in an oven! And now you've created the Antichrist! I don't think Father O'Malley would approve of this!"
"You're so negative Grumpy Cat!" the doughnut said gleefully. "Why can't you just focus on the positive for once? We'e made have a friendly, delicious new friend today!" The doughnut cackled at its own stupid joke. "Made a friend. Geddit?"
But no snarky reply came out of my mouth. Instead, my large, grumpy eyes were fixed on the doughnut. Quietly I demanded, "How do you know my name?"
"Ermg?" the doughnut cringed in on itself, kind of like Kermit the Frog's face when he's upset.
"Chrystal never told you or anyone else my name. She just dropped a cat off at the doughnut shop and took off. I repeat, you pastry putz; how did you know my name was Grumpy Cat? You're not one of my psycho fans from the internet, are you?"
The doughnut's eyes narrowed-literally, he had no eyelids, so the eyeballs themselves stretched into narrow shapes to convey malice-and his voice suddenly changed. Now hissing like Lord Voldemort, the doughnut said, "The time of Armageddon is neigh."
Trembling, I turned my adorable, grumpy head back to the Wonder Oven. The Scripture Bread was still quoting Jesus at the kids. But even as he was speaking, somehow, a secnod version of him turned towards me-like, think double-vision, but one of the bread-visions was spinning around to face me while the other continued spouting religious advice to the kids. Only I and the talking doughnut heard what the Almighty Loaf had to say next. While the false loaf continued quoting the Bible in a cute, innocent voice, the demon's true essence stared and me and bellowed, in a voice that sounded disturbingly like Tim Curry's...
"Beneathe the skin, we are already one!"
"W-what?" I took a few steps back, my tail puffing out as wide as a football.
All sound seemed to vanish except for the Loaf's demonic voice. Time and space shifted and spun. I tried looking away, and found myself staring at that talking doughnut, who was also revealing an evil side. My vision was now tinted red. The evil talking doughnut was stretching this way and that like a rubber band, as his doughnut mouth formed words no mortal could hear.
"Even now," the Almighty Loaf's growl echoed through the universe, "the evil seed of what you've done ger-mi-nates within you!"
Somewhere in the distance, a large bell tolled, in a manner one might associate with the Grimm Reaper.
The words "DOUGHNUT REPAIR ZONE" flashed before my eyes, and slowly zoomed out, while the doughnut, in ghost form, yodeled like an undead Austrian. I felt like Frodo looking into the Mirror of Galadriel. I saw the children and Doughnut Man, slaving away on some kind of intense labor, while the evil doughnut's profane song was joined by two more bug-eyed doughnuts.
They were his slaves. I understood everything now. Father O'Malley had said something about the Antichrist coming to Earth disguised as Jesus, in an attempt to manipulate innocent souls to following him to Hell. Doughnut Man put Holy Scripture in an oven, and out came a demon loaf of bread, who all the humans think is their Bible-quoting best friend. Only I could see the truth.
My vision went from red to fire-gold, and my sensitive feline ears were filled with the haunting screams of billions of damned souls. The world shook as the Loaf's pop-eyes fixed onto mine. The ground was opening up, I was being sucked into Hell!
The last thing I saw before I snapped was an upside-down pentagram, like the kind you light up on fire on Halloween to summon the Great Pumpkin.
Through the fog of flames and horror, I could still see the kids laughing and dancing. Well, I thought, at least I'll have comanpy in Hell.
No.
These kids may have been annoying little warts, but they didn't deserve the Lake of Fire. I wouldn't let it happen.
And what did I have to lose anyway?
I leaped over the flames, soaring clean over Doughnut Man and the kids' heads, and landed on all fours in front of the Loaf.
The Almighty Loaf was still shaking, not with power, but with frustration.
"Your...soul...will be mine...why?" he whispered to himself. "Why can't I grasp this mortal's soul?"
"Because I, am Grumpy Cat!" I declared loudly in a slightly less bored tone than usual. "I have no soul!"
The bell tolled once more, right on cue. A death was indeed taking place-but not the death of any mortal. For the next few moments I saw nothing but darkness, as my face was buried in the delicious demonic bread. Forgive me Lord, but Leviticus tastes a lot like lemon-bread. It's kind of delicious.
"Bad kitty!"
Even as doughnut man was lifting me off the oven, I continued digging a hole through the bread with my teeth. The bread remained stuck on my head like a paper bag.
"He's almost dead!" I declared as one of the kids pulled the bread off my head. "Eh, okay, he's dead enough."
"Shame on you," the little girl scolded. "Don't you know anything about sharing?"
"I just saved all of your butts from eternal Hellfire. The least you could do is let me finish my Scripture Bread!"
"Now don't focus so much on the negative children," Doughnut Man said. "We may have lost our Scripture Bread, but we've still got a big fat doughnut to split between the ten of us!"
The talking doughnut, who had been watching me viciously ever since I'd killed his Master, suddenly jumped, his eyes popping into their full round size. "What'd he say? No Doughnut Man wait-I-no I can explai-No, NOOOOOOOOO!"
I watched impassively as the massacre played out. I had saved the children from the Almighty Loaf, and now they were saving me from the Doughnut.
"Grumpy?"
Chrystal stood in the doorway of the shop. Behind her, the sun was setting, and the city's Christmas lights were on.
"Chrystal! That god you're alright! I feared you'd been dragged to Hell by a demonic puppet muffin!"
"What are you talking about Grumpy?" Chrystal lifted me up. "Come on, the Christmas party starts in half an hour. Do you promise to behave yourself this time?"
"I promise, I won't put any Holy Bible verses in an oven and experiment with lines man was never meant to cross!"
Chrystal stared ahead for a few seconds, muttered to herself, "It's a start," and headed down the street with me in her arms.
This was a crossover fic for two Internet memes: Grumpy Cat, and the Almighty Loaf.
Grumpy Cat's owner Chrystal comes from the TV movie "Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever." The Almighty Loaf is a short YouTube video, that combines footage from the Christian children's show "Doughnut Man" with audio from the fantasy movie "Legend." The demonic spoof of "Doughnut Man" becomes hilarious when you look up the original material and realize that he baked that bread out of Holy Scripture.
Speaking of YouTube, I have a channel where I review movies a la the Nostalgia Critic. The reivew I just completed and posted is for a bizarre silent film called "Mystery of the Leaping Fish." Long story short, it's a Sherlock Holmes parody with a very heavy emphasis on cocaine. If you want to meet Detective Coke Ennyday, check it out. We sadly can't post links on this website, but if you go to Google Search and type in "Noirgasmic Reviews, leaping fish," the review is one of the first things that comes up. If you choose to watch, please leave a comment.
Thanks for your time, and have a great Holiday Season!