TITLE: Clandestine Moments
AUTHOR: Lisa
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: MG/SL Romance
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: (Insert witty disclaimer here).
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is another response to the challenge at the Carby Board.
THANKS: To
everyone at the Carby Board. And of course, my awesome beta, Kate!
SUMMARY: Susan is contemplative….
*~*
They say every man goes blind in his heart.
They say everybody steals somebody's heart away.
And I've been wondering why you let me down.
And I been taking it all for granted.
-Mazzy Star, "Flowers In December"
*~*
Contemplative: View or consider thoughtfully
I still have visions of him, intangible dreams, thoughts as thin as vapor. In one, he's in front of my apartment, leaning on his car, a Pontiac or Honda. He was never one to show off or flaunt. His legs crossed at the ankles, lips turned to the side in a half-grin. He's giving me a look of expectancy, like he's waiting for me to say something.
Sometimes, he comes when I'm alone at night. Drinking red wine in glasses shaped like tears, the tears I'll cry later. He is staring intently out of my star-kissed window, his back to me, muscles taut. As soon as I open my mouth, dare to let a sound escape it; he turns suddenly. This time there is no smile, no arc to his lip, just a stare, just a gaze, potent and true. And then he mouths, "I love you."
And sometimes, I see him at work. This is a rarity, only after sleepless nights or double shifts, but he's there. I'm resting my eyes in an exam room, or I'm standing dismayed, heart swollen with grief after an especially daunting trauma, and he appears as stealthy as a cat in the corner. At these times he says nothing.
I want to say, "I love you." I want to say, "I miss you." I want to say, "I shouldn't have gotten on the train." But I can't. I'm dumbstruck and shocked, just frozen, all evidence of motion lost. I just smile too, and want to run to hug him, but as soon as I move, he is gone. Vanished. "Pop!" As quick as a finger snap, a camera click. I am launched back into the real world.
It's true. I always thought he would be there. I never expected him not to be. Even though I try to hide it, still smiling, cracking jokes, trying to move on, it's still hard to believe when I wake up in the morning that he's not going to be there when I get to work, smiling and cracking jokes along with me.
But we are told to move on, to continue with our lives, to treat death as a stain that will fade with time. But it's not like that, not at all. Not when you loved someone. Not when you loved them and left, left and let them go. They never fade, and you never forget. You find some way to hold on, if only for a few clean, clandestine moments.