Disclaimer: WHEEEEEEE! I OWN NARUTO! A nurse comes in. (Nurse: Hmmm… Somebody had too much chocolate today….) Chibi smiles guiltily and continues to bounce around the room. (Nurse: Sigh. I told her to lay off the sweets… Damn, she's high again…)
A/N: Chibi grins. As I've mentioned in my other fic (Filling the Void, if anyone wants to know), the plot bunny of this story had been hopping around in my head for a while now. Sadly, I only posted this now since I figured out how to start this thing just recently…
Anyway, I hope you guys will have fun in reading this… And before anything else, yes: I am insane.
Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy
Chapter 1: The Gathering
Crazy, hysterical laughter rang out of the Hokage's office. The Anbu assigned to guard her were immediately alerted and came bursting through the door.
"HAHAHAHAHA! I'm—BWAHAHAHAHA! Ok-k-kay," a fresh batch of unbecoming guffaws followed the semi-coherent statement.
The pair of Anbu looked at each other and disappeared in a swirl of leaves. Their thoughts and expressions will forever be lost to us; those damned masks are always in the way. It would've been interesting to know... Ah, but we digress.
Godaime Hokage was trying to catch her breath. Finally calming down, she picked herself up from the floor and sat properly. She pored over a certain scroll. Once again, giggles threatened to come out, but she fought to keep it down.
"It's still a mission, after all," she grinned.
For hours on end, she had been going over the mission requests and had grudgingly been ranking them. It was unexpectedly stressful. And then this came along.
"Now, how do I rank this?" she snickered, "And who will do it?"
"Slacking off again, old hag?"
Uzumaki Naruto, aspiring Rokudaime, interrupted her gleeful scheming.
Annoyed at the sudden disruption, she yelled, "SHUT UP, YOU BRAT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING? STOP MAKING MY JOB HARDER THAN IT ALREADY IS AND GO AWAY!"
Clearly, she was in no mood to cater to his playful banter.
"Hn," Naruto smirked, "It must be old age catching up…"
He ducked just in time as three pens and a paperweight sailed through the air, embedding themselves in the wall.
The eighteen-year old jounin took great amusement in the look of bloody murder on Tsunade's face.
That is, before her eyes took on a dangerous glint.
A very dangerous glint.
"Naruto-kun," her smile and sing-song voice were too sickeningly sweet, "I have just the mission for you…"
Fighting the urge to step back, the young man replied, "Really?" It took all of his iron will not to stutter.
"Yup! It's quite a mission… So I'm giving you the liberty of choosing a competent team… After all, it's an S-class…" she flipped the scroll in the air. The trap was set, and the lure was just too tempting to ignore.
Naruto lunged for the scroll but Tsunade kept it out of his reach.
"Tsk, tsk… Not so fast. There is a condition…." Eagerness was evident in the sky-blue eyes.
She continued, "Once you accept, there is no turning back…"
"I'll take that mission and I'll never back down! That's my Nindo!"
Oh, it was too easy.
"Fine. Here."
Naruto caught the scroll and unrolled it, impatient to know about its contents. Scanning through it, his eyes steadily grew wider.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
And the Mean Screaming Machine was back in business.
The loudmouth stared at the deranged woman. "Is this for real!"
The look of pure evil was answer enough. He sighed, knowing that he had sealed his own fate.
"B-but how?"
I don't know, brat. That's your responsibility now. And considering what you have to do, I suggest you go and make yourself busy."
Damned hag. Using my own Nindo against me…
Naruto grumbled to himself. He had been brainstorming for the past hour and he still drew a blank.
He tried to think while sitting. No good: he almost fell asleep.
He tried to think while eating. Iruka was there with him and had offered to help, but he could only focus on the rich aroma, the divine taste of the ultimate dish; the best gift humankind had ever received from the high heavens: ramen.
He even tried thinking upside down, sticking his chakra-enhanced feet on the ceiling! A lot of good that did for him. All he got was too much blood to his head and a throbbing pain in the same place.
Nada. Zilch. Zero.
So right now, he tried pacing.
Change. That was the key word. To be able to change something, you have to strip it down to its most basic components… And change, in this case, must be total.
Finally, he was onto something.
He was pacing faster now. He would need help. Lots of it. Five more people? Six? No. That's too many. As the old saying goes, "too many cooks spoil the ramen."
He circled the room, again and again. Four. Four is perfect. But who?
"Tadaima."
If the carpet wasn't an inanimate object, one could've heard it sigh in contentment and relief as the blond's pacing stopped.
A vulpine grin appeared.
One down, three to go.
Sasuke blinked. The new carpet was adorned by worn spirals. He looked at Naruto's fox grin and equally worn slippers. He shook his head.
I don't even want to know…
He proceeded to find some change of clothes. Though he was relatively clean, his outfit told a different story.
Damn Kakashi! Making me babysit his new brats…
He shed his flack jacket, revealing a black muscle shirt that exposed the lines and curves of his nicely-toned body. He was even more drool-worthy now, with that lithe body, porcelain skin, and pretty face with fathomless black pools as eyes.
The numbers of his fangirls and fanboys had been increasing every year. They never tried anything, though. He smirked.
They would never dare.
Not with Naruto as competition.
All rational thoughts were blown away as calloused hands slipped under his shirt, stroking his smooth skin.
That's right. A triumphant smile graced his features. They were together now.
He was Naruto's.
He shivered as hot breath grazed his curse seal.
"Okaeri."
That patch of skin had become sensitive since the Snake Bastard put the said seal there.
He turned his head slightly to receive a hungry kiss from the taller blond.
Who would've thought Naruto would ever be taller than him? The fox-boy had always been short for his age. Nobody prepared them for the sudden growth spurt.
They broke for air and Sasuke stared at cerulean eyes clouded over with lust and a hint of mischief. Naruto had eyes to die for. Turning around, Sasuke's gaze wandered to the sun-kissed spiky hair, the roguishly handsome face, the sexy tanned frame. It was no wonder a new fan club was born.
Over the years, Naruto had become as popular as him in that department. But if those fanboys and fangirls thought that they could have the future Rokudaime for themselves, they had another thing coming.
The Uchiha turned to face his lover and initiated a kiss.
Naruto was his.
And he intended to do anything to keep it that way.
Naruto woke up to the distinct feeling of warmth and sense of fulfillment. He sighed, stroking the raven locks splayed all over his chest. He smiled. Sasuke had such an iron grip on his torso.
I wish we could stay like this longer…
But he knew he had duties to attend to, especially that mission.
Oh, well… Desperate times call for desperate measures…
Forming a seal, Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving a fluffy pillow in the place he previously occupied. Ah, Kawarimi. Such a useful technique.
He hastily showered and dressed, then ran as fast as he could to the Hokage Tower.
Naruto barged into the office and found Tsunade drooling over all sorts of documents. He picked up a folder and rolled it into a cone. Taking a deep breath, he yelled into it, "OHAYOU, TSUNADE-BAACHAN!"
The Slug Sannin fell over; the sheer shock of the sound waves knocked her back along with the chair.
"GODDAMMIT, NARUTO! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME DEAF? DON'T EVER PULL THAT STUNT ON ME AGAIN!" She grabbed his neck and shook him hard. She only stopped when he started to turn blue.
"What do you need, brat? This better be good…" She righted her chair and sat while Naruto hacked and wheezed in the background.
"Tsuna-cough-de… coughcough baba… I wheeze don't know wh-cough-who else to take ahem with me… I need three more people…" he slowly recovered.
She sneered, "I told you yesterday, that's your problem. Not mine."
Naruto opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He knew she was right. Sighing, he turned and went for the door.
"Naruto, wait."
The teenager smiled.
Maybe she'll help me after all!
"Could you deliver this to the Hyuuga compound? I want you to give these to Hinata."
She handed him a package full of medical equipment.
The jounin's shoulders slumped.
I should've known…
He nodded and disappeared in a puff of smoke. He didn't feel like taking the stairs.
Hyuuga Hinata stared mournfully at the shrine before her.
Naruto-kun…
She sighed. She had definitely lost him; not that she ever had him to begin with. He was someone else's now. And to add insult to the injury, it just had to be Uchiha Sasuke: the 'Betrayer'.
Of all people!
She grabbed a plush doll at the base of the altar and stabbed it repeatedly with several miniature kunai and shuriken (she had forged them, herself). Her bloodlust sated, she unceremoniously dropped the ningyou down to its place on the floor.
Upon closer inspection, the battered doll suspiciously resembled a certain black-haired, sharingan-wielding jounin.
She finished her daily ritual with a kiss to Naruto's central picture and crawled out of the secret compartment of her closet. She made sure to lock it securely, and put up the most powerful genjutsu she knew. She stretched and made her way to the front yard to start her morning training.
She had just made it to the open area when the doorbell rang. She was closest to the gate, so she decided to answer it. But before anything else,
"Byakugan!"
The heiress gasped.
Am I dreaming?
She moved to slap herself, but thought better of it.
On second thought, if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up!
The closet fangirl, both literally and figuratively, wasted no time in opening the door.
"Ohayou, N-naruto-k-kun…" she felt her face warm up.
"Hey, Hinata-chan! You're just the person I want to see!" he flashed a charming smile.
Hinata felt like she had died and had gone to heaven.
Naruto followed the shy girl into the Hyuuga compound. She led him to what looked like a receiving room for guests.
Stuttering, Hinata asked him to take a seat on the tatami-covered floor and to wait for her to brew up some tea.
He looked around. As expected, the place reeked of the sense of arrogant properness.
Hyuugas and sticks up their asses…They really should try to loosen up.
A strange sound broke his reverie. The odd noise seemed to come from a machine of sorts.
He never was able to win over his curiosity. He got up and followed the slightly muffled sound. It led him to the room just across the hallway. The sliding door was slightly ajar. He took a peek. He wasn't prepared for the sight that met him.
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr……
It was Neji, blow-drying his hair. Before a huge-ass mirror.
It was probably his overflowing luck that placed him in an angle where he couldn't be seen from the mirror. What's more, he was in the pale boy's blind spot.
The sound died out and Neji carefully brushed his long ebony tresses. He tied it loosely and formed the tiger seal. Obviously, he was gathering chakra. The question was, where? Naruto got his answer soon enough.
Neji released the seal and flipped his hair. The strands fell slowly and gracefully. They settled down, not a filament out of place, like some kind of freaky shampoo commercial.
He uses chakra to fix his hair? Now I've seen everything!
The blond remembered their first fight. Neji had been sweaty, bruised and bloodied, yet his hair was still in perfect modeling shape. No wonder the Hyuuga prodigy's hair always looked neat and shiny!
Sensing another presence coming, he swiftly returned to the receiving room. Hinata came in moments later and served him some tea. They drank in silence, until their cups were drained.
"Thanks, Hinata-chan! Oh, here's the package the old hag sent you," he handed her the bag.
Hinata bowed politely and smiled, "T-thanks, Naruto-k-kun…"
"No problem! Hey, I have to go, lots of stuff to do."
She moved to try and accompany him. He saw this and shook his head.
"Don't worry about me, Hinata-chan, I know my way out."
The red-faced girl nodded and took the tray to the kitchen for cleaning up.
On his way to the gate, Naruto came upon the Hyuuga prodigy, practicing his katas.
"Hey, Neji!" the other jounin turned to him and came closer.
"Naruto. What brings you here?"
"Oh, Tsunade-baachan asked me to deliver some stuff to Hinata-chan…"
He didn't notice, but the older boy frowned slightly at that.
Naruto seemed thoughtful for a while.
"Neji, how would you like to join my team for an S-class mission?"
Neji was slightly taken aback. But he accepted anyway.
"Great! I'll just send you a messenger bird to tell you when and where we'll meet!"
The blond waved and went out, closing the gate behind him.
Weird. Lately, their faces suddenly become very red… Hmmm… Must be a genetic thing…
Naruto brushed the thought aside and rejoiced.
Only two more…
The medic nin reported everything he knew to the Otokage.
Kabuto knelt before his lord, waiting for orders that were sure to come.
"You're coming with me."
"Hai, Orochimaru-sama."
"Iruka-sensei!"
The Academy teacher turned and smiled at his former student.
"Hi, Naruto."
"Did you find someone for me?" the blond asked, anxious about the answer.
The chuunin nodded. "I told him the details and he's okay for the job."
Naruto had come to him the day before, telling him about his problem as they ate some ramen. He had promised to try and find someone fit to help.
"YATTA!" The Uzumaki pumped his fist in the air. "Can I meet that person?"
Out of the shadows stepped a ninja whom Naruto had never seen before.
"Ore wa Maru desu. Douzo yoroshiku," he politely bowed.
"I'm Naruto! Welcome to the team! Anou, Maru-san… Is it okay if I just inform you using a messenger bird? I'm sort of behind schedule…"
The newcomer smiled. "It's okay. I want to thank you for having me."
Naruto bowed and bounced away.
Maru and Iruka walked towards the forest. Safely out of sight, chakra smoke materialized.
Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared in the pair's place.
Naruto ran all around Konoha.
Dammit! Almost everyone else is already out on a mission!
Suddenly, he stopped. Keen senses told him something was undoubtedly wrong.
Genjutsu!
Forming a seal, Naruto dispelled it. "KAI!"
He was facing a dead end of a deserted alley. Warning bells went off in his head, and he whipped around, facing his attacker.
"O hisashiburi, Kitsune."
"Itachi," Naruto hissed, "Get out of here before Sasuke and I kill you!"
"Oh, you wouldn't."
Naruto snorted at that. "Yeah, right."
"I know you need me."
"Huh?" Naruto was definitely taken aback by that.
"The mission, Kitsune. You need me for the mission."
"Wha— How did you…?"
Itachi sighed. "I'm an evil villain. I know these things."
"B-but you're a missing nin! And Sasuke's out to kill you! And he's a member of the team!"
"I told you. I already know that. That's why I'm going to use henge."
He instantly altered his appearance, taking extra measures so other sharingan users won't see through it.
Naruto eyed him warily. "Why are you doing this?"
Itachi told him.
Naruto sighed, after hearing the weasel's reason.
"Fine. You're in. Just don't cause trouble for me. And don't even try to abduct me, you bastard! Or I'll make sure you'll never be able to—"
"Agreed," his lover's only kin cut him off.
Naruto smirked. It seemed he now had a certain hold over the man.
"Be at the bridge where Team Seven used to meet. I trust you know where that is, Villain-san," Naruto sneered, "Seven in the morning. Don't be late."
Both ninjas disappeared.
Later that night, two messenger birds were sent out, carrying the meeting time and place.
Only a few hours were left before Konoha would wake up to a gathering of the most able shinobi for the job.
A gathering that would surely change the lives of ninjas all over the world.
A/N: Chibi looks up at the text. Ooh. That was long. Heehee! I'm having so much fun! I just hope you did, as well. So, tell me what you think! Don't be shy! Go ahead, click that button and review! Chibi runs off to eat more chocolate.