Fractured
Chapter 1 of 3
Hi guys, I'm back with a 3 part fic that I actually wrote some time ago but never published it. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Leave a review if you can!
Cheerios xxx
"Where is she? She's almost an hour late." Liv grumbled as she, for the fifth time, looked at her watch, rolling her eyes at Amanda's tardiness and how inconsiderate she was towards her colleagues that had no other choice but to pull her weight in her absence.
"She probably has a lot on her mind, Liv. The whole Patton trial has been really hard on her. Give her a break, it's not like we're busy at the moment." Fin explained, looking at his boss with soft and concerned eyes. "Maybe she just overslept, I'll try calling her again."
As he reached for his phone a large hand was placed on his lower arm, stopping his movements. "Don't bother, I'll go over there in person. Will you hold the fort for a couple of hours?"
"You know I will, Liv. Just don't be too hard on her, she feels bad about this Patton situation and she's beating herself up over it." he informed his boss who now had her jacket on and her black leather handbag resting on her arm, ready to leave.
"Why should she feel bad? She did nothing wrong, except for not showing up for work today." she sighed in exasperation.
Fin raised his eyebrows and threw his boss a look. "You know why she feels bad, Liv. She feels guilty about what happened to Reese Taymore. She's beating herself up over it and blames herself for not prosecuting Patton back in Atlanta. She feels like it's her fault."
"But it's not." Liv stated matter of factly even though she understood why Amanda would feel that way.
"Liv." the senior sergeant said firmly, rolling his eyes and rose to his feet. "I know that you know it's not that simple. She looks up to you, Liv and she thinks that you're disappointed in her for not reporting it earlier and let this happen to someone else."
Olivia's heart sank and her chest tightened at Fin's words. She knew that Amanda had been thrilled about being transferred to the Special Victims Until in New York and even more so when she realized that she would be working with Olivia Benson but she didn't know that the blonde saw her as a role model or someone to look up to and that almost broke her heart. "I'll talk to her."
"Just thread carefully." Fin shouted after her as she left the precinct with steady and solid steps, determined to get to the bottom of all this and let Amanda know that everything that had happened wasn't her fault. Not one single bit of it.
The apartment building was quiet as Olivia walked down the long corridor towards Amanda's front door, a heavy and sad feeling rested inside her stomach as she got closer to her destination, slightly nervous and anxious about the upcoming and inevitable conversation. She knocked twice on the door, listening intently but heard nothing from behind the hard wooden barrier and she hoped that the blonde was home and not somewhere else as she was now worried and concerned about her detective's welfare as Fin's words were still running through her mind.
The second time she knocked she heard loud clatter from inside, followed by a choked muttering of, probable, profanities before the lock clicked and the door swung open, revealing a tired and drawn looking woman standing in the doorway. Just as Olivia opened her mouth to say something to her subordinate, she spotted the tears in Amanda's pale blue eyes, that were noticeably bloodshot, and her heart sank even further, if that was even possible. Amanda bad been crying and it was obvious that she was still very upset and distraught by the sad and angry expression that were written across her pale and pasty features.
"Oh, honey." Olivia's voice was soft and comforting, as if she was talking to a fragile victim and not her strong and stubborn detective and that caused anger to well up from deep within Amanda's chest, close to hating her boss for sounding so loving and caring. The tall woman stepped inside almost immediately and closed the door behind her, reaching a hand out to touch Amanda lightly on the arm but the blonde pulled away as if she had been burnt.
"What do you want, Lieutenant?" she snapped, sounding harsh, empty and cold. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked to her left, not feeling confident enough to look her boss straight in the eye, afraid that if she did, she would break.
"You never showed up for work this morning and I got worried when I didn't hear from you. What happened? Are you okay?" it was obviously a stupid question since it was quite clear that the young detective wasn't alright and that she seemed to be very far from it and suddenly felt stupid for asking such a question.
Amanda snorted and couldn't stop a sarcastic chuckle from escaping her throat. "Worried!? Since when do you worry about me, Lieutenant? You didn't even call me, Fin did, like four times."
"And you didn't answer, Amanda." Liv said softly, taking in the disheveled appearance of her colleague in front of her, noticing that she was swaying slightly on her feet where she stood, rooted to the floor with a clenched jaw and darting eyes that seemed to be unfocused and glossy. "Have you been drinking?" looking around the kitchen and the livingroom she quickly spotted a nearly empty bottle of rum standing on the kitchen table, no glass in sight which made it quite clear that the young woman had been drinking it straight from the bottle.
"So what if I have?" Amanda stated. "Is that a crime, Lieutenant? Are you here to arrest me for drinking when I'm supposed to be on duty?" she turned around and walked further into the apartment, heading straight for the alcoholic beverage. "You know what? Don't bother! I quit." she grabbed the bottle and took a large swig of the burning liquid, feeling it trickle down her throat and settle inside her empty stomach.
She never got the chance to place the bottle back down onto the table as Olivia forcefully snatched it from her hand, walked over to the sink and poured the remaining liquid down the drain. "What the hell, Amanda!" she almost shouted, slamming the now empty glass bottle down on the counter and turned back to the blonde who didn't look even the slightest bothered. "What has gotten into you? How much have you had to drink? The bottle was nearly empty, did you drink all of it?"
It was now clear that Amanda had consumed a substantial amount of alcohol but exactly how much was a good question. She was somewhat surprised at how steady the blonde seemed to be on her feet, only an occasional sway here and there, and her speech didn't seem to have been compromised at all. The only give away was the glossy and unfocused stare from the bluest of eyes and she could also detect the smell of alcohol as she came closer to where the blonde was standing.
"I'm quite cabable of holding my liquor, Lieutenant. Besides, there's more where that came from." she nodded towards the now empty bottle and huffed, running a hand through messy fair tresses. "I'd like you to leave." Amanda tried, wanting to be on her own even though she knew there was no way Olivia was going to leaving her alone, not like this.
"You know as well as I do that I can't and I won't leave you like this. What kind of person would I be if I just left my friend alone during a time when she definitely shouldn't be? I know you well enough to know that you want to be left alone right now but there's no chance in hell that I'm just gonna walk away from here."
Sighing in frustration, Amanda headed towards one of her kitchen cabinets, opened it and retrieved an already opened bottle of vodka. "Well, you can watch me drink or you can join me. Your choice." she unscrewed the top, ready to take her first gulp when she suddenly felt a firm hand on her shoulder, stopping her movements. In the blink of an eye, Amanda was back in Atlanta, back in chief Patton's office and back to her old stomping ground.
Fear immediately kicked in and she swung around, dropped the bottle onto the floor with a loud shattering bang, covering her face with her arms and hands, pleading for the invisible perpetrator not to hurt her. "NO! Please, don't touch me! Please, stop hurting me." her back was pressed up against the kichen counter, feeling trapped and threatened, the sharp pieces of glass digging into her bare feet, causing blood to slowly seep onto the floor.
"Jesus, Amanda!" Liv was quick in her actions, wanting to minimize the risk of the blonde cutting herself any further and she scooped her up in her arms, carried her to the sofa and gently put her down on the plush cushions. Her body was stiff and cold from fear, shaking uncontrollably as she whimpered in Olivia's strong embrace. "Amanda, calm down, honey. It's just me, Olivia. I'm not going to hurt you."
The cries died out fairly quickly and blue eyes suddenly snapped fully open, embarrassed and shame creeping up on her face and she tried to get away. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Lieutenant. I don't know what came over me, I... I'm fine, I'm okay."
Olivia almost felt the need to laugh at Amanda's last statement but she managed to hold it in and, instead, she firmly placed both hands on each side of the blonde's wet cheeks. "You're not fine, sweetie. You're upset, you're shaking and you're bleeding. You have nothing to be ashamed of here, not with me, okay? Just take a minute to catch your breath." the pads of her thumbs tenderly stroked Amanda's temples as she held her face so softly in her grasp, all kinds of emotions bubbling up inside of her while she watched her young colleague and friend struggle to calm her nerves.
Amanda could feel her own heart hammering wildly inside her chest and she was almost sure that the Lieutenant could hear it. "I'm so sorry." she whispered repeatedly, mortified that she had reacted to her boss' touch like that when she knew perfectly well that there was no one else inside the apartment but the two of them and that Olivia would never hurt her.
"Shhh, don't apologize, honey. It's okay." she soothed, moving her thumbs down a bit to wipe the tears as they fell. "Where is your firstly aid kit? Is it in the bathroom?" Amanda just nodded shakily and whimpered slightly at the loss of contact as Olivia pulled away. "Stay here, I'll be right back."
Hurriedly, she entered the bathroom, opened up the cabinet above the sink, where she thought it might be, and spotted it straight away. To her relief it didn't look like Amanda had moved an inch from her position on the couch and she was now staring into space with a vacant and distant look in her eyes, as if she was, in a mental capacity, somewhere else. "Got it." Liv announced, smiling reassuringly as she sat back down a couple of feet away. "I'm gonna have to clean this out, honey, so I can assess the damage. Hopefully you won't need stitches but I need to know how deep the cuts are. It's going to hurt so try to think about something else, okay?"
Gently, she cleaned the damaged areas of her feet, realizing that the right one was worse off than the left. Carefully, she held Amanda's cold and bare feet in her hands, thoroughly scanning the soles for any serious injuries and noticed something shiny and sharp sticking out from one of the deeper cuts. "There's a shard of glass stuck in your foot. I'm gonna have to take it out." she rummaged through the small bag of first aid necessities and spotted a set of tweezers in the bottom of it.
"I'll have to pull it out, okay. It's not that big but it's still gonna hurt so just take a deep breath and..."
"It's fine, just do it." Amanda mumbled, the large amount of alcohol was suddenly kicking in. "I probably won't feel a thing." she snorted and closed her eyes, ready for Liv to pull it out.
As gently as she could, Olivia carefully positioned the tweezers on each side of the protruding shard of glass and fished it out, drawing a painfilled whimper from the intoxicated woman. "Sorry, honey. Just give me a minute to clean and wrap your foot. Your left one is okay but this one needs to be covered."
During the whole process of Olivia cleaning and covering the deep cut, Amanda was silent. She didn't want to talk, didn't want to think or even sleep because of the nightmares that would more than likely kick in and she couldn't handle the aftermath of them. Drinking was the only solution to get a good nights sleep since she would consume so much of it and eventually pass out and not wake up until the next day, usually late for work which led to an angry and frustrated Olivia.
Her boss' voice brought her out of her deep thoughts and she was now aware that she had placed her foot on a cushion on top of the coffee table and covered her lower body with a blanket. "I'm gonna clean up the kitchen and then we're gonna talk and, before you start arguing, you have no choice in the matter. Whatever is going on with you needs to be addressed and dealt with because you can not go on like this."
Amanda just glared at the brunette. Every fibre of her being was boiling with anger but she was too infuriated to even utter a word in her defense so, instead of verbalizing her venomous comments, she used her eyes to shoot daggers at her boss while she swept and mopped the floor clean from the broken glass, high percentage vodka and diluted blood. After twenty minutes, a large glass of water along with two pain relievers were handed to her and Olivia's firm and determined gaze told her that there was no point in refusing. "I shouldn't be giving you pain killers after the amount of alcohol you've just consumed but I know your feet must be hurting you and your head will be next."
The water actually felt good against her dry and sore throat and she finished the whole glass in less than a minute, praying that it wouldn't all come back up later on as she had begun to feel slightly queasy. "I don't want to talk." she muttered into the silent room, directing her stare out the livingroom window. "Thanks for all your help, Lieutenant, but I'll be okay now."
"Not a chance, Rollins. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. We're all worried about you. Carisi is silent, Fin is fuming, ready to tear Patton's head off if he ever saw his face again and I... I'm... I'm..."
"You're what, Olivia? Hmm? Frustrated that your other detectives are in a shitty mood because of me and can't do their job properly or up to your standards? Is that it? Is that why you're here?" she snapped, feeling her face turn red from anger and how her hands began to tremble.
Olivia's eyes softened at Amanda's words even though they were hurtful, knowing that she didn't really mean what she said and that it was just her raging emotions and the alcohol speaking. The couch squeaked slightly as she scooted closer to the seated blond and she carefully reached out and enveloped Amanda's cold hands in her own warm grasp, stroking her thumb across the back of it. "Heartbroken." came the faint and shaky reply, brown eyes watering. "I'm heartbroken for what happened to you back in Atlanta, I'm heartbroken for what Patton did to you, for what he made you do, I'm heartbroken that your own family turned their backs on you and I'm heartbroken that you think so little of yourself that you place all the blame and guilt onto your own shoulders where it doesn't belong. What happened to you and what happened to Reese was not your fault so please, sweetheart, stop torturing yourself."
There was no way she could've stopped the tears from falling even if she wanted to. The tightness that had rapidly been building inside her chest threatened to burst at any second and she felt like standing up and bolt right out of her apartment but that wasn't an option right now since her foot was literally sliced open and would probably cause more damage if she decided to put any pressure on it what so ever. "I caused this. I... I'm the one to blame."
Amanda's trembling and teary voice sounded like a whisper from a little girl that confessed her wrongdoings to her mother and waited for the appropriate punishment to be dished out but, of course, that never happened. Instead, she felt two strong and warm arms gently circle her waist, one hand was brought up to rest at the back of her head and she was lovingly pulled into the crook of Olivia's neck, deeply inhaling the comforting scent of her boss. "Amanda, sweetheart, you need to stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. If I have to remind you of this every single day until you can accept that, then that's what I'll do." she hushed and spoke soothingly into Amanda's ear, rocking them comfortably from side to side.
"I'm sorry for not showing up for work. I... I just didn't want to face any of you, thinking that you were all judging me and seeing me as a fucked up coward who was too afraid to report her own... her own... r... ra...pe." the last word was hard to say, especially out loud, and she then realized that she had never verbally admitted it to herself what had happened to her all those years ago and now, when she had said it, it all became real, too real and she began to cry in the earnest.
"Shhh, we would never judge you, sweetheart, never. We could never think such horrid things about you because they are simply not true. You are one of the strongest, most determined and driven people I know and that's what makes you such a good detective and a good person. We need you on our team, Amanda, because without you things would just simply not be the same." she cooed, hoping some of her words were reaching their target and that Amanda would listen.
"I... I just didn't want you all to see me as a victim or someone who can't look after herself in certain situations." she whimpered, now holding onto the back of Olivia's blouse, clawing and grasping at the silky material, causing creases to appear and would more than likely require ironing after Amanda's rough clutches. However, Olivia didn't mind. If Amanda needed this, she was more than willing to offer her the comfort and closeness that she so clearly needed.
"But you were victimized, honey, and that wasn't your fault. Everyone in the squad knows how independent and strong you are and I use to be the same, still am, but I've also learnt over the years that asking for help or exposing your feelings is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It's the complete opposite and it shows just how strong you really are. I'm proud of you Amanda, I really am." she praised as she continued to sooth the weeping woman in her arms, hushing her whimpers and drying her tears.
Olivia didn't let go or even loosen her hold for twenty whole minutes. As she felt the body in her arms turn heavy and slack against her own, she could hear Amanda's breathing follow suit and for a moment she thought that she had fallen asleep until a faint and exhausted voice whispered into her neck. "Tired."
Knowing that Amanda would be more comfortable in her own bed, she gently pulled away and peered down into blue half open tired eyes and stroked her cheek with her knuckles. "You want to lie down in your bed." she whispered, her lips ghosting the soft and warm skin of Amanda's forehead as she spoke and she could feel the smaller woman nod against her shoulder. "Okay, honey, just wrap your arms around my neck and I'll lift you up."
"I can walk." the blonde insisted, even though her eyes were now closed and her tone was mumbled and faint.
"No, you can't honey, not with the cuts on your feet. It's okay, let me do this for you."