Title: Professor Snape And His Worst Fear
Rating:12+-15+
Warnings:Use of Shampoo, the use of a D word, OOCness, VER OOCness
Sub genres: Humor/OCC...cheesy angst and mental trauma? er...not really.
Ship: none (I think)
Completed: Yes
Summary: What if Snape had a fear? What if Snape had to confront that fear? What if Snape's worst fear was...
Disclaimer: I own nothing
A/N I just came up with this idea on a whim... just a scribble and a feeble attempt at humor. Enjoy. 42
Professor Snape and His Worst Fear
Professor Snape billowed about his office sneering in a sinister fashion. By the way he resembled an overgrown bat, it was clear that he was in a wonderful mood. Yes, his day was simply spiffing! The day had started wonderfully, by glowering at a lone first year at breakfast. Then at he had sneered at nine different people. Nine Count'em!!! Among them were Potter, Weasly, Mudblood, Stick-Up-the-Wazoo McGonagall, and Dumbydore (although he only sneered at him behind his back).
The classes went well, 5 points from Ravenclaw, 20 from Hufflepuff, a grand total of 75 off of Gryffindor (cha-ching, ka-ching!) and 200 points to Slitherin. Plus he got to yell. Yes he got to yell a lot!!!
As he paced his office menacingly (hey! Even though nobody's there to intimidate, he might as well practice!) A memo airplane flew under his door in a happy manner. Wait a moment! Could memos be happy? He glowered at it for disturbing his highly enjoyable sulk, and the plane crumpled in fear. Success!!! He had perfected his glower so that even 'inanimate objects' cowered. Life is good. He thought. In fact that put him in such a good mood that he decided to spare the paper plane death by fire for annoying him. He opened the memo:
Dear Sevvie,
I request your presence in my office immediately. I have several concerns that should be discussed with you. Now! If we get through early, I might ever save you a lemon drop! Have you ever stopped to appreciate a Sugar Quill before?
Headmaster Albus 'Albie' Dumbledore
Oh God! Was the only thought going through Snape's head. What does the idiot want now? Sevvie!!! Sev was bad enough. And what's with "Albie" huh? Does he really have to always have to promote staff connectivity and friendship? Next thing you know, McGonagall will start going by Minnie, or Erva. Eee Gods.
Snape stalked up to Dumbledore's office.
"Sugar Quills!" He spat. He was admitted into Dumbledore's office.
"Sevvie!!! How good of you to come so quickly. Can I get you anything? I am out of Lemon Drops at present, but allow me to offer you a tootsie roll. Very delicious! No? Well then, what can I do for you?"
"Headmaster, it was you that sent for me." Snape growled.
"So it was, Sevvie m'lad, so it was. Well, no doubt you are wondering why I have sent for you?"
"Could you get to the point sir? Some of us have lives. There must be thousands of first years out there waiting to be scared. I have a reputation you know! AND IT DOESN'T INCLUDE TOOTSIE ROLLS!!!!!!!!"
"Sev! It's wonderful that you are finally expressing your feelings. That's wonderful!" Dumbledore exclaimed, a twinkle in his eye.
Damn that twinkle Snape thought, beginning to mutter curses under his breath.
"Anyway," Dumbledore continued "I have just got the yearly staff health evaluations back from Poppy. It seems that you are in very good health except… well, I hate to mention it really, and it is slightly embarrassing…"
"Please Headmaster, I am not that young, I would like to enjoy what I have left of my life before I am bored to death by you!" Snape all but yelled again.
"Well then Severus, here it is. Your hair is endangering the entire universe as we know it." Dumbledore stated simply.
"WHAT!!!" Snape roared. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF HARRY POTTER'S SCAR DO YOU MEAN? ARE YOU JUST JELOUS OF MY HAIR? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH WORK IT IS TO KEEP UP?"
"Well Sev, it seems that it's not enough work. You will have to take regular showers starting this month, tonight specifically, or you're fired."
"I do take showers regularly though." Snape protested.
"Oh, didn't I mention? With shampoo."
"Did you say, with shampoo?!?"
"Yes. And conditioner."
"Conditioner?!?!?!? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE????"
"Come now Sev, all that we are asking is that you shampoo and condition at least once a week and shower daily. Plus Mr. Lucius Malfoy has just recently assured me that if you use Matrix Sleek Look Smoothing System, all four steps, your hair will look and feel great and it will be silky and shiny."
"NEVER!!!"
"Sevvie!!! Your first shower is tonight. Report to my office tomorrow morning before breakfast for a hair check."
"NEVER!!!"
"Okay, think about it. In unrelated news, here is the Staff Bulletin:
Minnie is starting a campaign for a better brand of cat litter. Flitwick is complaining about the lack of step stools nowadays. And that's about it for today… Oh!!! And in Trelawney's most recent readings, she will fall in love with a greasy haired person, who is tall, and wears billowing robes."
"Give me that!!!!" Snape said, snatching the announcements. "Oh my God!" He looked as if he would either faint or vomit or maybe both, "... Dumbledore, could I borrow that shampoo set…just to read the labels of course!"
"Of course" Dumbledore smiled.
Later that night Snape was standing outside his shower holding the shampoo, already stripped down to his birthday suit. He was having an inner battle. He had never wanted to shampoo. He hated it. But he was not going to fall into the clutches of Trelawney. He could handle her by himself, but just to be on the safe side…
Come on man!! You can do this.
No I can't
Yes you can!
No!
Yes!
No!
Trelawney!!!
AHGGG!!! Oh alright. Here goes.
He stepped into the warm water, squeezed the goop into his hand, and…
"AHGG!!! THE HORRORS!!! HELP!!! THE HORRORS!!!!!! IN THE NAME OF THE DARK LORDS UNDERWEAR, MAKE IT STOP!!! PLEASE!!! MAKE IT STOP."
And that, Ladies and Gents, is the story of Snapes worst fear.
A/N
Please leave a review should the urge strike you!!!
This was originally a one shot…but I'm working on more xD I think this might be a series…