- Preface -

Age: 21

Rank: Jounin

Specialisation: Medic, poison expert

Interest: male/female/both

Hobbies: reading, training, taking a walk at sunrise, studying medicine, petting stray animals, travelling, meeting new people.

Three key traits partner must have: mature, bookworm, smart.

I am: hardworking, trustworthy, smart, non-judgemental, an animal lover, a hopeless romantic (according to my best friend), and I suck at cooking.

Age group my partner must be in: 25 - 35

Status my partner must be: Jounin

Why are you participating in this program: my best friend forced (dared) me to.

Age: 34

Rank: Jounin

Specialisation: Assassinations, tracking

Interest: male/female/both

Hobbies: reading, training, playing with my dogs, travelling, writing, cooking

Three key traits my partner must have: smart, witty, trustworthy

I am: a genius (according to the Hokage), a bookworm, hopeless when it comes to relationships (according to my best friend), antisocial (according to my students, which is a lie), the devil himself (according to Genma Shiranui), and I know about 1,137 jutsu if that makes any difference... oh, and I'm also a brilliant cook.

Age group my partner must be in: I honestly don't care as long as we get along.

Status my partner must be: Jounin

Why are you participating in this program: I lost a bet.

Tsunade-sama was a twisted individual and that was final. End of story.

"No More Lonely Losers Programme?" Sakura mouthed, shocked and appalled at what she'd just heard from the dark-haired, older woman.

Shizune nodded, eyes still wide with disbelief. "Yes! And she's forcing me to participate!"

Sakura sympathised really but… she couldn't help the snort that escaped her. "What was that senpai? You're ready to let go of the 'Lonely Loser' status?"

Shizune huffed and slapped Sakura upside the head for being a cheeky-shit. "Keep that up and I might just pull rank and make you sign up, too."

The rosette immediately took a large leap back, widening her eyes, "Absolutely not!"

Shizune grinned rather evilly as she got back to arranging the Hokage's desk. "The catch is… You can't meet your match until six months from now. Specifically on Christmas Eve."

Sakura sputtered, "B-but— that's crazy!"

The older woman scoffed as she muttered, "Tell me about it."

"How do you communicate?!" Sakura asked incredulously.

"The old fashioned way: by mail." Shizune shrugged.

Sakura, however, was too busy wondering if she could convince Ino to sign up so she could get the girl to butt out of her love life— or lack thereof. The blond was convinced Sakura still held love for her dark-haired teammate from her genin days (which was not the case, dammit!) and had been urging her to see someone new. Sakura was already dreading the devious, but equally creative ways Ino will push her into taking part in the NMLL program.

"I should get going," Sakura finally said. "Dinner's on me tonight."

"Yeah?" Shizune hummed while stacking a neat pile of papers in the centre of Tsunade's desk, "Say hi to Ino for me."

"Hai, hai."

(x)

"Forehead, this is brilliant," Ino squealed. "You should sign up right away— no offence but like, you're the biggest lonely loser in Konoha."

"Haha," Sakura muttered dryly, "keep dreaming Pig."

"But Forehead," Ino whined, "you could benefit from this— you might die alone!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, offended. "You sure know how to flatter a friend," she sneered as she began scooping portions of food onto their plates. "I'm not signing, absolutely not. That's final."

When she turned to hand her plate to Ino, the blond had a familiar glint in her eyes. Uh, oh…

"I see." Ino nodded sagely, like Sakura's answer made all the sense in the world all of a sudden. "You're just afraid you won't be matched with anyone at all, is that it? It's okay Forehead-girl, not all of us are as charming and attractive as me."

Sakura's jaw dropped open. "Ino-pig. Take that back."

Ino shook her head with mock sympathy, "I mean, who wants a violent, pink-haired trauma for a girlfriend…"

"Oh, that's it!" Sakura knew Ino was purposely pushing her buttons but she couldn't help herself dammit! She lunged for her roommate, fist infused with just enough chakra to bruise purple.

Ino shrieked as she narrowly missed being turned into a live-representation of her favourite colour. "Dammit, forehead girl this pretty nose is a product of fantastic genes!"

"Don't make me genetically engineer you into a frog, pig!"

"Ha! I'd still be prettier than you~"

"PIG!"

(x)

After two broken vases and three complaints from fed-up neighbours, Ino and Sakura settled down, and although they both were glaring at each other, they clearly were trying to resist their laughter.

"I'll sign up only if you do." Sakura finally huffed and trailed off in an annoyed mutter, "I hope they match you to a freaking horse."

"Oh, I hope so too," Ino giggled as she winked suggestively.

Sakura didn't bother replying, only wiggling over to kick Ino with her foot in retribution.

Ino simple scooted out of reach and Sakura was too tired to move. "Who do you think will sign up?"

"I don't know," Ino shrugged. "We should probably bully Tenten into it just so that stuck-up Hyuuga stops being so blind and realises he likes her."

Sakura chuckled as she piled her hair up in a bun and fanned her neck; Ino was a total freakin workout when she tried. "Eh, should probably do the same with Hinata. Honestly, Naruto's skull is so thick… Poor Hinata…"

"Hmm…" Ino reclined on the couch and slid all the way down so that she was taking up the entirety of the space. "I wonder…"

"What?"

"Do you think Kakashi-sensei would sign up?" Ino wondered aloud, oblivious to the way Sakura minutely tensed up at the mention of him.

"Oh…" The rosette said blankly. "I don't know."

Perhaps the most absurd thing to date -and it had certainly been the least expected- was the small crush Sakura had developed on Kakashi after the war. Ino, of course, didn't need to know that.

"I wonder which lucky bitch will snatch that." Ino sniggered and Sakura willed down the irrational jolt of jealousy the thought inspired.

"Since when are you interested in Kakashi?" She grumbled, unintentionally, but that seemed to slip past Ino as a mere annoyance.

"Are you kidding? Have you seen him? He's so hot! That man could probably melt ice if he looked at it too long..." Ino has entered gushing territory, and Sakura had to reluctantly, and internally, agree. "They should staple a warning on him: High Risk of Panty Loss Ahead."

"Pig!" Sakura screeched, flushing. "Enough."

An evil, evil grin stretched over Ino's face. "Oh ho… want to keep your darling sensei all to yourself Sakura? So naughty…"

Another vase was smashed that night, much to the chagrin of the neighbours.

(x)

Okay, I know I shouldn't be starting a new fic (pls don't kill me) but I just can't resist writing this any longer. It's been sitting in my docs for over a year. I have two chapter written so far, and I don't think I'll ever have frequent updated but depending on the response this story receives, I might pay it more attention. Let me know what you think!

Edit (18/3/2019): this chapter was beta'd by the lovely ohayohimawari!