A/N: I'm feeling a bit nauseous today (I usually like being an insomniac but this is one of the bad results of having insomnia)… and the smell of food isn't helping so I wrote this to keep my mind off my hunger pains… hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Gals…
THIS IS MY END…
Do you know me?
The real me, I mean…
"My nails are quite long now, maybe I'll cut it tonight." I say to myself, unconsciously biting my left thumb as I take notes of the lesson being discussed.
I looked out of the window and let myself be distracted by the sky for a while.
Of course, you don't…
You never met her…
She's inside of me,
Locked in a room where no light can enter…
"Hoshino!"
I was drawn back to the lesson by the voice of my teacher, that irritatingly demanding voice but I stood up nonetheless and answered a fairly easy question but maybe it wasn't, I don't know, people were looking at me and cheering me on as if I've found the cure for cancer or something.
In place of her is a mask that never fades…
My mask in not me,
Yet you all seem to like my mask…
"Aya-chan, you're so smart!" one of my classmates commented but am I really?
I just smiled at her and denied but she pressed the subject on so I just kept quiet as blabbed about her being an idiot, she talked as if she's talking to nothing but air…
But I'm used to it…
But will you ever accept me, the real me?
Will society accept a girl who lost her mind?
Confused between reality and fantasy…
How I wish I were someone… different.
Another class starts and another teacher discusses another lesson to another subject but to me they all look the same, those teacher's voices sounds similar, just an irritating voice that I have to hear and listen to everyday just like all the other voices…
All so irritating!
I glanced out the window again and my thoughts started flying off to elsewhere… well, anywhere but in this stuffy, boring classroom…
Will society accept someone who tried to take her own life?
Will society accept someone who calls death in prayer?
I felt a sudden stinging feeling and a familiar scent reaches my nose.
Hmnnn, that smell…
I look down and saw that I accidentally bit my thumb a bit too hard and now crimson blood flowed out of the newly cut wound. I lapse over it with my tongue and tastes it… a taste that I have grown accustomed to… through a lot of ways people would often call suicidal….
Will society accept someone who has lost her path?
Will society accept her?
Will you accept her?
Will all of you accept me?
The real, true, unmasked me?
Will you… or will you not?
Probably not, right? You would probably be thinking that I'm a sick, pathetic girl who's too scared to face the world and so, decided to hide herself behind a mask of lies… that maybe true but I have my reasons, we all do, right?
"Aya! Hey, Aya, you okay?" Ran's face appeared in front of me. "Let's go, school's done ages ago!" she beamed.
I could see she was happy… I long have forgotten how that felt. I shook my head. "Sorry, guys, but I need to get home early today." I said, trying to sound as apologetically as I can.
Miyu and Ran frowned, they look disappointed… of me… that look, I hate that look!
"Fine but you better go with us tomorrow, k, bye!" they waved at me before leaving… I am left alone to think, thinking just how lonely I am even though I am surrounded by friends… but they know nothing of me and they will never do because they are contented with seeing my mask… but not me…
XXXXXXX--------XXXXXXX--------XXXXXXX-------- XXXXXXX--------XXXXXX--------XXXXXX--------XXXXXX
Anger consumes me whole…
I cannot control it…
"I HATE YOU!" My voice echoes through the darkness and I saw my parents' faces scrunched up in anger and disgust but they won't stop… they continued screaming at me their disappointments and anger… their words were smothering me, I want them to just shut the hell up!
They stopped and I looked up at them… that look again!
I hate that look! That disappointed look! Make it go away! I want to rip that look off their faces…
Drip. Drip. Drip. I heard something liquid falling.
I might hurt you,
And you might hurt me too,
I won't mind,
I like the feel of pain anyway…
I thought they were my tears, didn't even know I started sobbing, but as I looked down, clutched on both my hands…
I gasped and my eyes widen…
Blood were dripping on my hands… crimson liquid coming from something that were clutched each by my hands… I opened them and almost screamed…
I loved the screams of mixed anger and hate,
I love the blood,
The crimson liquid flowing upon you…
Between my hands are pieces of skin, my parents started screaming again … I looked up and my eyes widen at the faceless figures of my parents, blood were everywhere, especially where their face was supposed to be… then it hit me… I did this to them… I really did rip the looks off their faces…
Hmnnn, that sweet, sweet smell of irony and sarcasm….
I can almost smell it…
Smell your fear…
Fear for me…
"Aya!"
I looked back and saw the man I love…staring down at me still on the ground, though I couldn't be so sure since everything was in darkness…my parents screams started fading and then it was just and him… I stood up and gave him a sweet and innocent smile… something he expects from me.
"Aya!" his handsome features turned to something unreadable. He was about to gag.
Somehow, that amuses me.
"Aya, what happened? What did you do?"
"What did I do?" I ask innocently… there was something in his eyes, which made myself unable to resist smirking… hmnnn, fear… yes, there was fear in those eyes… he was afraid of me… I wonder why?… oh, maybe it's because of the blood in my hands… I raise them up and held them out to him… he started gagging again… my smirk got wider at the sight of him-
"Aya, stop it! This isn't you!"
My hands fell down at his words and my smirk faded… this isn't me? How the HELL should he know who I am!!!
I love how it feels to know I made those marks on you,
To see you in pain puts a smile on my face,
Truth be told,
I love to see you suffer…
I approached him, a step forward and another and another until I was only a hair-breathe away… I see he was frozen in fear… well, he should be!… without warning, I scratched him across the face… now, he isn't as handsome anymore… blood started to pour out from the four scratch mark… I moved in closer…
I want you to suffer!
To feel what I am feeling!
I just want you to feel…
The fear in his eyes grew… I smiled at him before placing my bloody hands on either side of his face… "Tell me, will 'Aya' ever do this?"
"No!"
I smirk. "No?" he nods. My smirk grew. "NO? How would you know?!" he winced at the harshness in my tone. "I'll tell you a little secret." I giggle before leaning forward close to his ear and whispered, "My mask loved you but Aya hated you!"
"Aya…?"
"Shut up! Don't call me Aya like you know me because, for your fucking information, REI OTOHATA, you know nothing about me!!!"
XXXXXXX--------XXXXXXX--------XXXXXXX-------- XXXXXXX--------XXXXXX--------XXXXXX--------XXXXXX
The end is near for me,
Hate and frustration have
Made me reach my peak…
The bell rang indicating lunch break, I stared out the window… loving the fresh air… it made me wish I could fly… I started to giggle…
"Aya, come on, let's eat in the rooftop." Miyu smiled at me, I was about to say something but Ran interrupted.
"Aya, guess who's eating with us?" Ran was grinning like a madman, I was about to say something but yet again she interrupted… gods, I am so frustrated about her always doing that! "Rei! He was having some business near by and I saw him so I invited him to have lunch with us, he's already on the rooftop!"
I just stared at her, I know she wanted me to react but I just don't feel like it at the moment. So she invited Rei. He must be really happy, being invited by Ran, by someone he likes…
"AYA! Yo! Earth to Aya! Rei. Is. Having. Lunch. With. Us!"
I cannot move on,
The end will be now,
My journey through life leads me
To a river bathed in blood…
"Yeah, I heard you the first time!" I sounded a bit irritable. They both looked at me as if I've grown a second head. "Sorry, I'm just not in the mood because of a really interesting dream I had last night." Hmnnn, yes, a very interesting dream, indeed… I smiled.
"A dream about?" Ran and Miyu pushed. I sighed. I don't really need this. This is so annoying!
I look down and blushes a little, a small smile on my lips. "About my parents and… Rei…" I said meekly…
Yes, yes, it's all an act, an illusion made by my mask…
Where I, who has never seen the light, belong,
With others just like me,
Suffering in the upper world,
Suffering even here…
We're already on the rooftop, having a nice, quiet lunch. I stayed quiet because that's what they expected, while they chatted aimlessly about useless things… sometimes I could feel Rei glancing at me but I'm just too weak and tired to react, blush or look away…
It's too late for that act now… I suddenly stood up and started walking, surprising everyone… there was that fresh air again… the same air that made me wish I could fly… Fly…
My punishment has been made….
"Aya, NO!"
"Aya, stop that!"
"Get away from there, Aya!"
I heard them all calling but I didn't bother listening, they were just annoying voices so I stayed standing on the railings of the rooftop, keeping my balance… I didn't look down but I know it was a long way down…
I laughed… the higher the better because I want something to happen…to let people hear me without using any words… yes, I want my grave to speak in my behalf… I face my 'friends' while miraculously staying in balance on the railings…
I could see they were worried bit I just smiled at them the way 'Aya' used to…
"But finally, after all the tears, I've drowned
After all the cuts, blood still runs down
The distance between us is hurting; my heart seared,
But the closeness was what really killed me, what I really feared…"
I say to them… they looked confused but I don't care so I turned around again… I could hear their voices begging, protesting, telling me to snap out of it… but I laughed as their annoying, irritating voices died down… I can only hear the wind giving me wings to fly…
So I closed my eyes, I could feel my wings….
And then, I say, goodbye… before I took the leap….
Because I am Aya Hoshino and this…
This is my END…
OWARI
So hate it? Love it? Review…. And yeah, it doesn't seem like Aya but anyway, that's how my life is, though, I did not jump off a building and died, well, at least not yet hehe… I just need to find a very high building… But I am not emo! No, I dislike being called that, wait, no one ever called me that… yeah, I cut but doesn't everybody? Okay I'm starting to blab here so back to the story… I just love Aya coz sometimes I act like her… you know, the smarty, nice person act but those few who really knows me says otherwise… I usually act stupid and stuff and don't even study but luckily I have extremely high grades and damn proud of my ability to understand my lesson even if I'm mostly asleep during lectures… I'm going off the point again and my blab is starting to get longer than the story itself but who cares, I doubt people read this part anyway, I just want to air out some things… and oh, the poem thingy is something I made up, it has three parts that describes my mask and my real self… and it just fits Aya so much coz she's like the perfect image of my mask… and yes, I did want to torture my crush just because it's stupid to have crushes and what's more stupid is that I actually had a crush… anyway, I want to gag now and if you are actually reading this long thing then please review… (Runs into the bathroom and throw up all contents of her stomach)… And just for the record, I do not like the taste of other's blood but I love the taste of my own sweet life giving liquid and if you're in the position I'm in, good for you! And yeah, I want to know you too… (Runs back to the bathroom and throws up remaining contents of her stomach)...