But some are Hurricanes.
I don't just wish you rain, Beloved - I wish you the beauty of storms.
...
This time it was different, that's all Harvey could think. Donna was happier than he had ever seen her, more settled, not sleeping with one eye open for Harvey as she used to do with all her relationships before this one. What they both did with their other relationships with other people, keeping half a heart, a hopeful heart for the other. He knew, it had always been their dynamic, and he had always been secure in that. And he knew Donna had been secure in that too, they both couldn't have anyone else who was not each other and they had simultaneously sabotaged each other's relationships. Unconsciously. Maybe.
Now, a lot had changed. For one, the guy was different, more Donna's type, the one that would give Harvey a run for his money. He had seen him the other day, when he was about to tell Donna something, he didn't even know what he was going to tell her, but it had something to do with his feelings for her, judging by how nervous he was at that moment. It had to do with feelings. And she had stared, and he had stared, and his tongue got stuck again. And now he was glad he had never said anything because that's when Donna's new boyfriend walked out of the elevator, a boyfriend he didn't even knew she had. A client, a big one. It had felt like he had received a blow in the guts, and he couldn't even scream in pain, just maybe grunt, on the inside. And he was just left standing there, with a new feeling of fear and regret as he had never felt before. This time was different.
And now Donna was sitting there in his office, with a serene smile on her face telling him about this guy, about how really happy she was this time. How she really really liked him, and had Harvey been someone else, he really would have been happy for her. All he's ever wanted since he met Donna was to see her happy, and this time she really was, just not with him. And he was having major problems with that. The kind that made him not quite breathe right. He has never felt that way with any of her boyfriend, never. Not even Steven Huntly.
But the topper of it all, the one that really had him worried, not able to sleep, couldn't function, screw up meetings, worried, was that for the first time she had chosen him over her job. For the first time since he had known her, she had had chosen her boyfriend over the Firm. Over Him. This was different and he was worried, but what could he do? Wait it out? He was sure this time it wouldn't just frizzle out, this time she wouldn't turn around and chose him again. This time around Donna was settled, she was happy, and she was moving on. Really moving on from him, and he was just supposed to let it happen. Be happy for her, watch her go, leaving him standing there holding nothing. That scene in the elevator played on him again, she leaving with her boyfriend while he just stood there, on the outside looking in. Was this how it was finally going to end? Had she finally moved on without him? This wasn't happening but then, what could he do? Donna was done playing games, and this time was different.
…..
Donna settled behind her desk the next day, after the fight with Harvey that is. She had thought he had understood, he was happy for her when she had told him about Thomas, he had said he was. But then again, isn't that what they always told each other? That they were happy for each other to have found someone, until someone did something to sabotage the other's relationship. Or it would just so happen that somehow, it just failed work out. But Donna wanted it to work out this time. She wanted this with Thomas so badly and that only proved that she was no longer hung up on Harvey, on whatever it was that they shared. She truly liked Thomas, this was the first relationship she was willing to give all her heart into. She wasn't about to let anything get in the way of that, not her job and certainly not Harvey. So, she had made her choice without looking back this time. She had chosen her own happiness over Harvey's for the first time in forever. And she was happy with her decision.
She looked up now to see Harvey walk in, the look on his face just had her going tense, on the defence, ready for trouble.
"Hey." He said in greeting.
"Hey yourself." She said, with a tense smile, getting ready for another fight.
"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday and I get it, I do." Harvey said and Donna released the breath she didn't realize she had been holding.
"Truce then?" She said, smiling, more relaxed now at him. She understood completely what Harvey was feeling. She had felt it too when he had been going out with Paula. She had not been ok with it, to say the least. But this time it wasn't enough for her to give up on Thomas.
Harvey took a seat opposite her desk and they just wistfully stared at each other.
"Just so you know," Harvey said, "It bothers me."
Donna nodded understandingly, "I know." She said evenly, making sure that he was clear that she sympathised with him, for whatever this back and forth that they had, but it was in no way going to make her let go of Thomas. Not this time, and maybe this is how they finally moved on.
"You know, Scotty said something the other day, that got me thinking." Harvey started.
Donna put her wall in place, nothing he was going to say this time was going to change anything. He was not about to do this to her again. The games stopped now. She didn't want to hear it, she could not even entertain it.
"Oh, I'm sure she said a lot of things Harvey."
Harvey could see her walls coming up, no go area, but for the life of him this time he could not just let it go.
"She said that she wished I could see what everyone else saw. That it has always been you Donna." He said and looked at Donna to gauge her reaction, and to take a deep breathe for courage. This was uncharted waters and what he was about to do scared him more than it scared her, he was sure of it.
Donna just levelled him with a look, if anything, it said, 'don't you dare go on', but he felt like he had no choice. He had to tell her. This time, he had to say it, and stick to it.
"It got me thinking Donna, about you and me." He proceeded, he had never been this nervous all his life, he could not remember ever being this nervous even with his first girlfriend in high school.
Donna lifted her hand to stop him, "Don't. Don't Harvey. Don't you dare. Uh uh, not this time." No way was he doing this to her again. Not this time!
"Donna…"
"No!" Donna said with a final note in her voice, it may have been a little shaky, because damn it, Harvey was doing it again. He was shacking her again and she could not have that. Not this time.
"Just hear me out."
"No Harvey. No! Not this time." She said, standing up, looking into his eyes with smarts of angry tears now. Harvey stood too, to face off with her.
"I can't let you do this Donna…"
"I won't hear it Harvey!" She rounded up on him on the other side of the desk, facing him without a desk as barrier between them. She wanted to make her point clear to Harvey and to herself. Harvey looked at her now with angry, hurt pleading eyes, but looked away in the face of her rage and pain so clear in her eyes. He started to doubt himself. He had never seen that look on Donna, not unless it was directed on someone else who paused a threat on Harvey. Now it was directed on him, and she was defending Thomas. It nearly broke him, it knocked the wind out of him. He had lost her.
"Donna please just…"
"No!" she said, all the rage and pain in her eyes, advancing toward him, into his personal space. "No Harvey." She hissed, jabbing a finger on his chest, spoiling for a fight. Every word she spoke now was emphasized by a jab of that finger onto his chest, advancing as Harvey took every step backwards.
"I do love you Donna…"
"Do. Not. Say. It." She said, this time the finger became a punch on his chest. He tried to get hold of her hands, but she just punched him harder. "You don't get to do this to me again Harvey. Not this time. You know how much this means to me. You know what Thomas means to me. I told you. And you don't get to paly with my heart again like that Harvey."
"Donna listen…"
"No! You listen Harvey. I'm only going to say this once." The look in her eyes was fierce. "If you want to still have me in your life, as a friend, or whatever this is we have? If you still value my presence, me even a little, you will let this go Harvey. Right now. And be happy for me. And I promise we'll get back to whatever it was that we had. I'm warning Harvey, don't chase me again unless you intend to catch me. So, leave me the hell alone. Tomorrow we'll forget this ever happened. But, if you insist, I'm gone. This time for good."
She meant it, the look in her eyes said it all. She will leave him for good and that terrified Harvey. The very thought had him break out in a sweat. Wouldn't he rather have her, even if it means she would be with someone else? Wouldn't that be better. And he just wasn't too sure he could take the risk, he could not risk it. So, he nodded and turned on his heel to leave the office. Heart pounding not knowing why he was always running away from Donna, and what exactly it was that scared him so much when it came to giving his all to her. It was because with Donna he could not seem to give just a part of himself, he had to give all of himself and that was a risk he wasn't willing to take yet. Or ever. He let his feet take him across the corridor to his office, maybe, he wasn't too sure where he was going anymore, he couldn't see right, couldn't breathe right.
"Hey, are you alright Harvey?' Louis said, when he ran into him in the corridor.
"Huh?" He really wasn't feeling too good, and he couldn't really hear what Louis was saying, just a voice in his head saying 'run, don't turn back, run for your life.' And that was exactly what he was doing. Running away from the situation, from Donna. At least this way he could still have her tomorrow. But he couldn't, his feet were not moving anymore, his heart was saying otherwise. It was a war, his heart and his head, and he didn't know which one would win.
….
Donna was left standing there in her office, having effectively chased Harvey away. It left her feeling raw, but it had to be done. She could not play this game again with Harvey, not this time. She was heaving, not having noticed tears streaming down her face. But she had done it, she had stood up for herself this time, and she will cry later at home but right now, she had to dry her tears, put on her full armor and get back to work and to looking forward to her date with Thomas later that evening, with a determination and doggedness of a nut.
She heaved a sigh and looked up, Harvey was standing in her door way again. When did he get back? she wondered in alarm, because the look on his face was serious, determined.
"Harvey, what are you…?"
She couldn't finish as he started walking towards her with a fierce determination in his stride.
"What are you doing Harvey?" She said, wanting to run away from him as he kept advancing. Her breath caught, she took a step back but that was all she could manage as he was already on her. He grabbed her by the waist and drew her close, she was weakening under that gaze, that firm arm on her waist, that look on his face, in his eyes. Her walls were strong, even through some very tough storms. But then there were hurricanes.
"What are you doing?" She managed to breathlessly murmur.
And his head came closer, lips locking with hers in a fierce kiss that went on forever and threatened to leave her helpless on the ground. All her walls broken.
Harvey drew back from the kiss, not any less winded but he looked determinedly, intently into her eyes.
"Catching you. I'm catching you."
…..