Rating: T
Summary: I found this episode dull and…well…strange. I thought we'd better get something funny out of this episode, so I wrote a parody. Some romantic themes, violence, and of course character bashing, but all in good fun!
Written by SassyLostie of course, but not all the lines are mine. I do not own this episode, or Lost. Okay, and this probably isn't hilarious and wonderful, mostly it was just me putting in whatever popped into my head while looking at the script.
We see Sawyer and Kate on the water in the canoe. Sawyer is singing happily while paddling the little boat. "It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all, it's a small, small-"
"Stop."
"What, you want a turn steering?"
"No, I just hate that song." She said irritably, then continued under her breath. "…And your voice. Besides, we have to go back."
"What are you talking about? I've studied under the greatest singin teachers in the-"
"Turn the boat around, Sawyer. I mean it."
"Have you lost your mind?
"Probably, but that's beside the point."
"We just got away."
"Just do it."
"You give me one good reason to turn around!"
"Because if you don't we will never get caught in a cage again! I mean- Cuz we can't leave Jack behind!"
"But if we go back, Captain Bunny killer will…uh, kill us."
"But if he's a bunny-killer, why would he bother with us?" Kate asked obliviously.
Sawyer only rolled his eyes. He'd wanted her this entire time?
By this time, we had completely forgotten (either that, or we didn't care) that poor Karl was in the canoe as well. So, he thought it necessary to remind us. "God loves you as he loves Jacob."
Sawyer's eyes grew wide and tears filled them. "What? You mean…someone actually LOVES me?" He grabbed Karl's shoulders, demanding an answer.
"No, I just said that to sound creepy and pose new questions."
"Why doesn't anybody love me!?!?!?"
---------
Cut to Jack sitting on the floor of his cell as a door opens.
"Time to get up. We're moving you." Tom said with a scary smile.
"Moving me where?"
"Some place else, Jack."
"Please tell me someplace else is NOT closer to your house."
"I can't tell ya that, Jack."
There was a long pause.
"So this is it, huh?"
"It?" Tom asked, confused.
"Yeah. You're finally going to proclaim your undying love for me."
"Now, why would I do that?"
"Because it's true."
"What kind of people do you think we are, Jack?"
"Oh, I don't know. Forget I ever said anything." He said quickly, embarrassed.
Tom seemed over the subject of him and Jack and mysteriously began tapping on the glass. "Can you see this glass you're living in, Jack?"
"Uh…yeah. No duh."
"Okay. Just makin sure." He smiled.
They cuff Jack and lead him out into a corridor where he sees Juliet walking toward him with some Others.
"Hey, Jack!"
Jack turns to see that Juliet is handcuffed. He also notices an unfamiliar Other, a blond woman, eyeing him.
"Uh, can you not stare at me like that?"
COMMERCIAL BREAK
FLASHBACK
From the beach, we see a pan across the horizon and see several small islands. We see Jack exit a hut on the beach, slinging a pack over his shoulder. A boy carrying a bucket approaches.
"Doctor Jack want soda? Doctor Jack." The little boy asked.
"Don't you know junk like soda goes straight to my thighs?" He asked angrily, hands on hips.
The little boy ran away.
Jack made his way to the beach. He struggled to assemble a kite, but failed miserably. He looked over at a woman a few yards down the beach and cast her a goofy smile, before going back to the kite.
"See what I'm doing here?" Jack said to the camera. "I am ignoring the fact that the woman is suspicious and looks like a hooker, and am instead pretending to be stupid and not know how to make a kite so she'll come over. After this brief meeting, she will fall in love with me and my manly charm. Brilliant, huh?"
As if on cue, the woman laughed and came over to help. She's carrying platform shoes and wearing a very skimpy outfit.
"See? I told you she looked like a hooker."
They-well, more the woman, got the kite together and helped Jack launch it into the air.
"Thank you. Thank you very much…So…are you in love with me yet?"
"You're not from around here are you?"
"Of course I am! I'm Jack-uh…Jack-Mongkut-Sunan. But you can call me Jack."
"Hi, Jack. I'm Achara."
"Achoora?"
"Achara"
"Acharee?"
"Achara!"
"Ack-ar-ra?"
"ACHARA!"
"That's what I said."
A/n: Okay, I'll continue if I get enough reviews. I know it's random and weird, but I hope someone out there thought it was funny. Please review! Suggestion for parody liens etc are welcome!