Trust Ye The Chocobo?
Chocobos... Warm, cuddly, exciting little balls of yellow fluff that every man and women is familiar too. Their plucky little beaks add to the features of there joy-hungry eyes.
Whether you're from Spira or the musty streets of Rabanastre; Chocobos play a huge part in life. They provide us with transport, Racing, breeding and much, much more.
Yes, Chocobos truly are a gift from the Gods, or God….I forget. Any way.
These animals may be cute and cuddly on the outside….. But have you ever looked closer?
Have you ever asked yourself what your Chocobo does in its spare time…..?
Do you trust it…..?
Well…. There may be reason for you to reconsider your outlook on Chocobos; for what I am about to reveal to you, is both shocking and appalling. Those with a weak heart, please look away now.
January – 18th – 2002
What you are about to read, may very well be the first documented Chocobo related injury…….. Intentional on the chocobos part!!!
Martha. A. Howard is a 73 year old woman from the quiet little Village/Port of Besaid. She had lived there for most of her life, quietly scraping away at the last few days of her life, looking out of her shed-like home and wondering where it all went wrong, wondering why she cant get a man and why her face looks like it had been set on fire and put out with a spade. Man I sure do go off the point…. Never mind. Any way. Martha had lived her life in peace on this small island, she was safe here……. At least that's what she thought.
It was on a Tuesday that Martha's world came crashing down…. Again. She had just gone to the shop to buy her daily dose of Cockatrice grease; don't ask me why, it creeps me out just thinking about it. She took the route from her house to the shop just as she always did. But that day, something was different…..
Martha had no idea that she was being stalked….. No idea….. Until she was brutally attacked.
This is the interview with Martha that I had….. I don't really know when it was, I just turned up and asked questions…. Enjoy!
Me: Martha, thank you so much for joining me today.
Martha: who are you?
Me: Uh…. Let's get down to the questions shall we?
Martha: how did you get in here? Where's my husband?
Me: (Laughter) Husband! Oh my, that's rich. Any way shall we continue? Yes we shall. Now, Martha, I'm here today to talk to you about the incident you had with the-uh….. (Whisper)…. Chocobo
Martha: oh…. Yes, that. Well, let me begin by telling you that I don't blame the chocobo at all for what it did.
Me: sorry?
Martha: I said I would never blame the chocobo?
Me: who's a chocobo?
Martha: what? I didn't say that anyone was a chocobo…..
Me: (laughter) I'm sorry I was just messing with you. It's just that you look like one of those old people that don't know whether they're coming or going, you know? (more laugher) I was just playing…. Sorry. Any way, please continue… go on…. Go on with the thing.
Martha: Quite…. Well, it happened on a very sunny day. I was going down to my local sundries shop to get some cockatrice grease—
Me: that is sooooooooo gross…. Sorry, continue.
Martha: Yes, well…. on my way there I began to hear a noise; sort of a rustling noise. At first I thought it was the wind or something. But then I started to hear a deep chirping noise, like the one that a chocobo makes.
Me: Wow, I bet you were scared, were you scared? Did you wet yourself? Y'know with your weak bladder and all….
Martha: Excuse me! But I am getting pretty tired of your stereotypical views on elderly people. Just because I am at the peak of my age does not mean I am delusional and have a weak bladder.
Me: Yeah, whatever Old Man River (laughter)
Martha: what? That doesn't even make sense, I'm not a man I'm a—
Me: WHATEVER...Martha, ok? Whatever. Just please continue with your Chocobo story .Please, please continue
Martha: Very well. Anyway as I said, I could have sworn that there was a Chocobo behind me. I wasn't really scared. Who would be? There were never any documented incidents where a Chocobo had intentionally attacked some one. Of course they may get a bit defensive at times, but I never thought that they would intentionally attack some one…
Me: you were wrong weren't you Martha. (Tsk tsk tsk) oh how wrong you were…
Martha: (paused and stared at me) yes… quite. Well anyway, I was just a few feet away from the shop when I began to feel a warm breeze flowing down my neck.
Me: (whisper) the Chocobo's breath…
Martha: Yes… so anyway: I turned around to see what it was, and of course it turned out to be a Chocobo.
Me: And then it attacked!!!!!! (Evil laughter/cackle)
Martha: no, not yet. At first it was just staring at me, still like a statue. It had deep blue eyes that slowly hypnotised me the more I looked into them. I wasn't scared; I thought it was just friendly and curious. So, feeling confident…… I slowly raised my arm to touch it, I only wanted to stroke it a little…… but it obviously had other plans.
Me: (intently) and….?
Martha: Yes. The second that I raised my arm I noticed that its eyes quickly switched from looking at me and began looking at my arm. Then, without any warning…….. It…It….. (Begins to choke a little)
Me: Tried to grant you three wishes?
Martha: (Pause) what? No! It Attacked!!
Me: Oh yeah…. Right, well please elaborate
Martha: Well, it's a little hard to explain but, here it goes. The first thing it did was let out an ear-shattering shriek as it lunged at me and slammed me to the floor with a kick…..Hard. (Begins to choke a little more)
Me: please continue…
Martha: very well. It then ran over to my crippled body and began to glare at me whilst hopping around like a frenzied chicken.
Me: Chicken of evil…..
Martha: Uh… Yeah right. Any way; it then stood over my body and began jabbing me with its blunt beak….. It was so painful it felt like it would never end. Every time he pecked me it felt like I was being punched by a behemoth.
Me: Nice explanation there Martha…
Martha: Thank you. Anyway; whilst it was pecking me, I tried to cry for help, but the second I tried, it slammed its left foot on my stomach and blew the wind right out of me. It then began to kick my face, over and over again.
Me: Didn't any one try to help you?
Martha: No, I was hidden by a tall tree, so was the Chocobo. I thought I was going to die. Anyway, once it had kicked my face enough times it began to peck at my arms, almost biting them.
Me: That's terrible, it truly is….. Did you wet yourself?
Martha: I swear if you ask that again I will walk out the door.
Me: walk? Don't you mean hobble? (Hard Laughter) ok, ok I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please continue
Martha: Anyway. By now, I was certain that I was going to die. The Chocobo wasn't giving up; it just kept biting and kicking. I couldn't scream, I couldn't even cry, let alone call for help!
Me: Did you die?
Martha: ……
Me: Oh…. Please continue.
Martha: Yes. Well, it seemed that everything was over for me, when suddenly; the Chocobo stopped in its tracks and froze like an ice statue. It then slowly raised its head and began to chirp lightly. I looked up at it and prayed for it to run away. Then, as if by some magic of the gods, the Chocobo dashed off and disappeared into the clearing. I was so happy and relieved that I—
Me: wet yourself.
Martha: enough!!
Me: (laughter) sorry, please continue.
Martha: Well, I was so relieved that it had left that I began to cry tears of joy. It was about half an hour until some one finally found me.
Me: did this Chocobo attack change your life in any way?
Martha: Yes, it's made me want to live up the last few days of life that I have, as you never know when they're going to end.
Me: very interesting. Well Martha, thank you for your time. One last thing; what advice would you give to people about preparing for a Chocobo attack?
Martha: Life advice?
Me: (Sigh) Yeah… whatever
Martha: Well, if I were to give any advice it would be this. If you notice a Chocobo staring at you with its big eyes, DO NOT approach it! Unless it's broken and domesticated. Its like my Granny use to tell me—
Me: Your granny can go to hell!!
Martha: I beg your pardon!?
Me: (laughter) never mind
Martha: you're not very professional are you?
Me: I'm very professional….. (Imitates the sound of a phone ringing) Ring -- Ring (pretends to answer a phone) hello? Why yes I'll give her the message. (Pretends to hang up) Martha that was your coffin, it wants to know why you've been avoiding it. (Laughter)
Martha: What!! Well I never, how would you like it if I offended you? How you would like if insulted your granny!?
Me: you will do no such thing! My granny is a saint….. God rest her zombie bones.
Martha: yes….. Well, I'm leaving.
Me: whatever, this is your house anyway.
Martha: THAT'S IT!! I'M TIRED OF YOUR—
That's where the interview cuts off folks. So what did we learn from that? Well we've learnt that Chocobos might not mean to cuddle and kiss you when they look at you menacingly. We've also learnt that Martha has bladder issues (snigger). But what's really important here is that we now know of the dark truth behind Chocobos, and it is now my duty to look deeper venture deeper into this world of darkness and deceit. What will I reveal? Ifrit only knows.
Well anyway, please….. Take care. And keep watching the skies... Because chocobos can fly!!!! I think… or was that a dream? Sorry. Be sure to read the next interview. Good bye