Author: Sara Nublas
Title: Until tomorrow
Fandom: Lost Girl
Rating: T
Characters: Bo – Dyson
Summary: Bo's and Dyson's thoughts after the events taking place in episode 2x9 'Original skin'. Not much action, just a lot of angst.
A/N: this is my first attempt to break my fandom-monogamy and to venture in new territory. I recently discovered this show and fell in love with it, so much I had to write some fanfiction. I know I picked an unpopular pairing, but if you feel like reading and dropping a review I will appreciate it immensely. Thank you!
oooOooo
Dyson throws his jacket on a chair and walks toward the bed where Ciara is sitting, her gaze lost in the void, her face exhausted and pale.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier," she whispers faintly.
"I'm sorry for not being more understanding…" he answers huskily, caressing her porcelain skin as delicately as he can, lest she could break into pieces or fade away.
He can't help shivering with fear as he recalls the image of her lying lifeless on the floor. It's a mixture of fear and shame, because he knows that what he has felt today proved he lacks of the bravery and the integrity appropriate to a wolf.
He can try as much as he wants to invoke the excuse that he was trapped inside Kenzi's body and her human emotions were clouding his judgment; but the truth is another and he can't deny it anymore.
"It's just that I truly like Bo…" Ciara continues, "at least the glimpses she allows me to see of her, and I know that you two have to spend time together because of job related reasons. So I thought that having a clearer idea of how things went down between the two of you, would have helped to understand better and remove the awkwardness…"
Dyson hurts in seeing her girlfriend struggling to justify herself, when he's the one who should confess the truth; and for a moment he considers getting this over with and telling what happened. If she still wants him after knowing that their story is the consequence of what the Norn took away from him and that things would have been radically different otherwise, then let it be. But she needs to know.
He opens his mouth and gapes searching for the right words; once he gathers them and the courage to speak, Ciara silences him with a gesture.
"I don't need any explanation anymore, Dyson. I don't want you to open a painful wound from the past, I understood that I don't need it. Bo saved my life and she deserves my gratitude and friendship for this, and you… you risked your life for me. This is all I need to know; let's not dwell with the past." She seals her promise with her lips on his, in a long, tender kiss. Dyson responds eagerly, desperately trying to accept her forgiveness, trying to consider himself worthy of it.
The truth though is that when he saw her lying on the ground, all he could think was 'not again'. Not again this loss, not again the hollow inside his soul. If he's honest, he doesn't know if it was Ciara that he wanted back or the relief she provides from his inner void. What a selfish, desperate and pathetic creature he has turned into!
If this romance had bloomed when he was riding with his pack, back in time, they would have happily loved each other, he's sure about that. But all he can feel now is just the burden of the lie and the memory of a loss he doesn't even have the privilege to mourn.
A chunk of him, a precious part of his deepest essence, has been ripped away and will never come back. When he looks back he sees himself as an alter ego, someone whose emotions he doesn't share and he doesn't empathize with anymore. A new Dyson, hard, cold, sterile, has taken his place, and as much as he tries, he knows that all he can do for Ciara is to make an effort to be good to her, to respect and make her happy, but he will never be able to love her the way she deserves.
He gently caresses her hair, her head nested on his shoulder, her body curled up against his side as sleep claimed her. She's peaceful and beautiful, supporting and yielding, and living with her is easy and quiet, a break from all the troubles and drama that always follow Bo everywhere. Yet this awareness doesn't change the fact that when they are together, only one question lingers in his mind all the time, never to find an answer. Would they have had a chance if the Norm hadn't taken away his love for Bo?
He sighs, and with a heavy heart closes his eyes, hoping slumber can soon claim his torment and grant his relief, until tomorrow.
oooOooo
Bo rolls in her bed, her sheets wrapped around her body like a spider net, trapping her, and leaving her restless and confused.
The visions that little annoying kid has been giving her, the omen that the fae apocalypse will ensue by her hand, the tension with Dyson, Ciara's pressing though legitimate questions are just the cherry on the top of the pie in her already over complicated life. Shouldn't fae life be easier than this?
There's always a crisis that requires her attention; a desperate client, a feud between dark and light fae, someone trying to kill her, Trick telling her half truth about her mother, someone wanting her to pick sides, the constant control she has to exert on her powers not to vacuum all the life out of people…
She finally sits up in exasperation and switches on the light. She looks around as if the room hid somewhere a mysterious object able to grant her some relief, a magic box telling her that everything will be fine. Unsuccessful and frustrated she plumps back in bed, shifting a lock of hair that has fallen on her face and sighing in surrender: this is going to be another sleepless night.
For years she's been on the run, afraid of her own shadow, unable to give way to her legitimate instincts lest she could kill some innocent. Then she finally discovers who she is and with hard work and countless efforts, she gets close to the promise of a normal life, to the balance between physiological needs and rational control, so much that she even has fun with it. Until the party is crashed and her heart is broken.
"Knock, knock…" Kenzi's sleepy voice accompanies the thud at the door.
She must look bad, Bo considers. If her friend takes the extra care of knocking at her door instead of jumping directly on her bed and harassing her with some theories about vodka and lollypops or some unlikely job proposition, it means she really is a wreck. "Hi…" she growls shifting on one side.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"Being a succubus sucks!" Bo laments with a pout.
"Literally and metaphorically, sis!"
Bo seats up, chuckling, as Kenzi comes and sits on a corner of the bed, "I would normally toast to this pearl of wisdom but all we've left is beer and I think I'm out for a while."
"Yeah, me too…"
"Every time I think we drank gorgon blood, the idea of preservatives and OGMs seems a walk in the park…" the young woman tries to cheer up her friend, knowing that no alcohol or joke in the word can actually soothe her pain.
"I'm a succubus, damn it!" Bo looks up to Kenzi understanding eyes, the words finally finding a way out, "I'm supposed to be a queen of pleasure, a mistress of seduction, this room should be filled with multiple partners, multiple orgasms and wild sex, instead look at me!"
"Kicking the ass of a well traveled dark fae bounty hunter, saving people lives and drinking booze with your bestie Kenzi all the time! How can't you enjoy this life?" Kenzi feigns a forced smile, knowing exactly what her friend is going through and feeling helpless, because there's no way to get revenge on life's kicks. There never is and she knows that too well.
"What I mean is that I have the power of virtually seducing who I want, to have a different lover every night, instead I'm alone and pathetic, and the only two people I want are unavailable…"
Bo looks up and she finds Kenzi's comforting look inviting her to carry on.
"And I can't even be upset! Dyson risked his life and lost his love for me in the most noble of gestures. I know I can't hold a grudge against him, but I can't help hurting like hell every time I see the emptiness in his eyes when he looks at me… It's like I'm the only one allowed to remember what we were and to hurt, whereas he had it the easy way and now can start over as he likes, with a multimillionaire half fairy."
"Aww, sweet pie. I know it's hard and painful; but just because Dyson doesn't show it, it doesn't mean he had an easy way out," Kenzi reassures her, the memory of wearing Dyson skin still vivid in her mind, "He's a man, and the super-wolf-junk-act he puts up all the time is just his annoying way of dealing with stuff. Believe me, he hasn't been given a way out, he's stuck a cage and he has to live his torment every day over and over again."
"I know," Bo ruffles Kenzi's hair, thankful for having such a good friend at her side, "I had a way out, and I chose Lauren, who carefully omitted the detail of having a girlfriend waiting for her inside a fridge since five years…"
"See? I told you I never trusted Doctor Hot Panties. That was low…" Kenzi sits on her knees waving a finger in the air and carrying on before Bo can object, "I know we've decided to give her a chance, but I still don't like that she lead you on all this time without saying a word about Crio-Girl."
"Crio-Girl," Bo can't help a chortle, "has a name, Nadia. And honestly I cannot say I haven't succubed a bit my way to Lauren. After all who can blame her for following her emotions one time after five years…She's just…"
"Ahh! Don't give me the shit that she's human, sis! Because I'm a human too, but I would never play with someone's feelings like she did with you…" Kenzi sits down again. She knows she doesn't have any right to decide who Bo has to be with, but it breaks her heart to see how her friend is struggling with her feelings. In few months she went from never being rejected or having fallen in love her entire lifetime, to the being in love, proposed to, ditched, played, used and lied to multiple times. This is a hell of a crash course and it's not fair.
"I think I'll try to get some sleep now," Bo resolves as a shadow of sadness is cast on her gaze.
"Sure... And tomorrow we'll go shopping and then drinking and picking up dudes," Kenzi triumphally promises as she trots out of her friend's bed.
"Kenzi!" Bo calls her back halfway, "thank you!" she shouts as her friend gives her a crooked smile and disappears downstairs.
As the darkness fills the room again, Bo lies down in bed and with a heavy sigh, closes her eyes and finally allows the tears to come. As magic relief comes, just for tonight, just until tomorrow.