Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Kishimoto.
i.
"I still stand by my previous statement. This is a bad idea."
Tenten shushes him with a gentle sound from the other room. What could be the harm in a nice home-cooked dinner for their beloved sensei? After all, Gai-sensei is a generous man, and had taken their team out for post-training dinner at least twice the past month. The least they can do to return the favor is having his apartment decorated and a homely meal on the table upon his return from a mission in Lightning Country.
"It's just a meal, Neji. How bad can it be?" She sticks her head out of the kitchen and into the dining room. "Besides, the decorations look nice!"
Neji does not look impressed. "Lee is involved. You let him pick the decorations this morning."
"What's wrong with the decorations?"
He reaches into the paper bag and pulls out a string of garlands. The paper strands are decorated with bright green tassels and neon yellow tissue paper flowers. "This is an aesthetic monstrosity."
Tenten eyes the garland in his hand and the yarn balls that he has already hung from the ceiling. "At least it'll match the green pompoms."
Neji snorts, likely still not impressed. The colors are starting to hurt his eyes and his artistic sensibilities have been irreparably affronted. "Remind me to never hire an interior designer who wears spandex."
"Don't be such a grump, Neji! Besides, I'm making herring soba for dinner."
Hyuugas don't perk up, per se, and of all Hyuugas, Neji is the last one Tenten would expect to do so. But the mention of his favorite food should elicit some sort of positive reaction. The last thing Tenten expects is for Neji to look even grumpier. "Like I said, this is a bad idea. You sent Lee grocery shopping."
She blinks. "C'mon, Neji, it's just some vegetables, some flour, and a fish. Not even Lee could screw this up."
Speak of the devil and he shall appear—in this case, Lee, though she knows Neji would not bother making that distinction. The door slams open and the dulcet tones of their third teammate float through the front archway. "Tenten! Neji! I have returned!"
Tenten chances an I-told-you-so look in Neji's direction. Lee has returned within forty-five minutes, a time that most people would consider reasonable for grocery shopping. That is a small miracle in and of itself.
"We're in the dining room!" She calls out, and they hear the brief scuffle as he makes his way over. Lee sticks a shiny bowl-cut head into the room and pings them a brilliant beam.
"Thanks," Tenten smiles and relieves him of the grocery bags A leafy tuft of nappa is clearly visible, poking out the top. Neji is slightly relieved—his herring soba dream might still live. "I'll get this started."
She wanders away from her boys into the kitchen, but it isn't even a moment before her voice calls back, "Hey Lee, is there another bag? I can't find the fish or flour." A puzzled Tenten pokes her head back into the dining room.
Lee jumps to his feet. "Oh, of course! How silly of me to forget!" He whips out a second bag from god-knows-where, and brandishes its contents in his teammates face, eyes wide with excitement.
Tenten and Neji just stare at him and his outstretched hand. Whatever reaction he is expecting, it is not this one. Lee frowns. Perhaps his teammates were impressed beyond words? After all, he did manage to score several great deals while shopping—his excellent haggling lessons from Gai-sensei have been paying off. "What do you think?"
Both she and Neji are still staring at the plastic bag in Lee's hand. He shakes it in their face once more for good measure. "Well, friends? Did I not make wonderful purchases? Look at how cute he is!"
More bag rattling. The solitary orange goldfish inside the bag that Lee is brandishing is starting to look a little green around the gills.
"Lee…" Tenten ventures. She is nonplussed but trying hard to restrain judgment until she can get Lee's side of the story. There has to be a reasonable explanation, right? "I didn't say to buy a goldfish. I said to get a good-sized fish, because I wanted to have enough for all four of us. What did you think I was going to be cooking?"
The look on Lee's face could soften the hearts of stone monuments. If his eyes got any bigger or more watery the goldfish could probably swim in them. "I thought you wanted me to decorate the table with specimens of the beautiful flora and fauna that Konoha offers. That's why I bought these flowers as well."
From behind his back, Lee withdraws a large bouquet of daisies to join the bagged goldfish.
Somewhere from the other side of the room, Tenten hears the vague clunk of Neji's face hitting the apartment wall as his soba dreams evaporate before his eyes. She can feel his I-told-you-so glare boring holes in her head. Wordlessly (because really, there are no words in this kind of situation), she turns on her heel and heads back to the kitchen, where the bag of edible groceries awaits her.
They end up serving pork and rice. But on the bright side, Gai-sensei loves the pretty daisy bouquet and nice new aquatic pet they present to him at the dinner table.
Even more than he loves the bright green decorations.
ii.
Tenten, though only fifteen, considers herself to have the makings of a seasoned chuunin. After all, she has seen a wide variety of missions: she has seen the gory missions, the hard ones, where children bleed to death in her arms and grown men spill their guts on the battlefield. She has had boring missions guarding ancient artifacts that she would bet half her weapons collection nobody would even want to steal. She has even seen the most ridiculous of missions, like that one notable time their client had demanded all the male members of her team dress as geisha and entertain his family, one of whom he suspected wanted to assassinate him (the closest attempt on the client's life that mission came from Neji).
But out of all her missions, this has to be the dirtiest.
"Next time, you're the one crawling through the sewer," she hisses at Lee, and he looks appropriate apologetic.
"Of course," he concedes, rubbing a bandaged hand on the back of his head. "After all, it is only fitting that we protect the beautiful flower of our team from such filth!"
Tenten opens her mouth to let him have it. After all, kunoichi are just as capable as shinobi. But then she remembers how, earlier that day, she was shoulder deep in sewage, the foul-smelling wastewater swirling around her shoulders as she tugged off the last barrier seal. Some of it had probably splashed in her hair, or even, and Tenten grimaces, into her mouth. She decides that maybe this is one thing she is okay with letting her boys be better at.
"I'm holding you to that." Tenten shivers underneath her blankets. "Now go get some more kindling for the fire. I'm freezing!"
Lee immediately dashes off, proclaiming how he would bring back enough kindling for the world's largest bonfire. Tenten silently responds by tugging herself closer to flames.
A rustle from the nearby bush commands her attention once she is alone and Tenten immediately reaches for the edge of the blanket. The only uniform she brought on this mission was in the wash, but she still has enough dignity to not fend off enemy ninja while completely naked. She is halfway through securing the material like a toga around her waist when Neji emerges from the trees.
And he is naked.
Well, actually, Neji still has his boxers on, but it isn't as if Tenten is aware enough to process that. She has never seen so much of her male teammate, his Hyuuga propriety always dictating his sense of dress. There is so much bare skin, so much toned muscle, that Tenten is quite overwhelmed. Her eyes rove over every plane of his chest, the lines of his pectorals, and the jutting curve of his shoulder blades. His abs (and Tenten is surprised, she knew her teammates were fit, but she never expected Neji to look that good) are chiseled into his alabaster skin with such definition that only the lean, coiled muscles on his biceps and triceps can rival. Tenten has to suppress (and that thought itself is quite terrifying) the inane urge to lick every inch of smooth skin that she can see.
She is still taking in the pleasant shape of his calves when the knowledge that she's leering (visually molesting) a half-naked Neji hits her like a freight train and she's afraid that she might just have to commit seppuku right there to save herself the shame.
It's not that she isn't grateful to Neji. After all, Neji had volunteered to wash their clothes when the smell of detergent had made her nauseous again. But this—with the boxers, and the skin, and the V of muscle she can see leading down his lower abdomen—this is not something she signed up for. She can see a trail of light hair leading down his stomach into a place where she really, really does not want to think right now.
Tenten feels her face burn a million shades of pink and hopes the light from the fire disguises her raging blush. "Neji! What are you doing? Put some clothes on!"
Neji says nothing. From his complete lack of reaction, Tenten surmises that he must be embarrassed as well. It is a bad habit he has retained from childhood—whenever uncomfortable, Neji tends to withdraw back into his shell, letting as little emotion as possible past his walls.
Then he holds up his uniform.
Earlier that day, Neji had bodily fished her out of the sewer once she dismantled the seal and the barrier went down. It had been an oddly touching gesture, considering that Neji looked down upon dirt and filth the same way other people looked down on eating grass. Unfortunately, there had been some unintended splash back, and Neji's all-white uniform had looked as disgusting as hers, even if she had been the one crawling through the sewers.
The unsightly black water spots are all but gone now. Neji must have been successful in his battle with the laundry detergent, but it is not the newly cleaned clothes that surprise her. Tenten's eyes go immediately to the large, pink-hued blemishes that dot his clothes like a bad tie-dye attempt.
"I washed it with your pants." Neji grits out, voice stilted. "The color bled."
Tenten feels the beginnings of an enormous headache. Neji is still holding the pink clothes away from him like they are diseased. All this embarrassment from seeing her teammate half-naked for nothing but his bad laundry skills? And his pride's inability to wear pink?
Tenten whips out the survival scroll from a side pocket in her bag and unfurls it with a groan. A quick nip of teeth and a drop of blood (the nauseous feeling she gets from its metallic taste reminds her that she is still really too queasy for this) and she presses a thumb into the calligraphic characters to reveal a tiny, capped bottle.
"What is that?" Neji says, still poker-faced.
"It's bleach," she says flatly, and throws the bottle at his face. There are still sprinkles of a blush across her cheeks.
"Now put some damn clothes on!"
iii.
This, Tenten decides, was not the way she had envisioned spending her birthday.
First was the company. While she loved her boys, she really did, she had hoped for a slightly larger gathering. Lee and Neji would have been there, of course, but also some of her other friends, like Sakura and Ino and Hinata. The girls, after all, hardly had a chance to get together, but liked to make it a point to meet on special holidays. Ideally she would've even gotten to see some of the other members of their social circle, like Shikamaru, if he could get his lazy ass up, or Naruto, if he could get his lazy up, or Kiba and his adorable companion, Akamaru.
Second was her appearance. Tenten was not a vain girl by any means (getting bruised up and bloodied on a semi-regular basis tended to beat that out of a girl), but she liked to think that she kept a certain neatness in her appearance. After all, her long hair was always efficiently secured into her twin buns and she took pains to comb her bangs and subdue any flyaways. She had a strict hygienic routine that ensured she was relatively clean (barring any sewer-crawling), and she liked to think that she was always either neutral- or pleasant-smelling. She had not liked to envision herself covered in blackening soot and reeking of explosion powder for her birthday.
Third, and possibly most important of all, was the location.
"I don't understand," Tenten repeats. Around them are the unmistakable sights and smells of the Konoha Hospital: the squeaky gurney wheels, the harsh odor of antiseptics, the blindingly sterile white walls. The medic-nin beside her applies another layer of burn salve to the raw and reddened skin at her elbow.
"You were caught in an explosion while entering your home. Lee and I brought you here after you fell unconscious in order to treat your injuries." Neji rattles off the information as if he is reading debriefing material from a mission scroll. Calm and detached, even cold.
Tenten resists the urge to sock him, and then herself, in the face. The tender skin at her arms is too sore for that, anyway. "I understand that much. But what I don't understand, and what is more important right now, is why there was an explosion from inside my living room."
"Ah, well technically, the explosion did happen in the kitchen," is as much as Lee is able to input before Neji elbows him in the stomach. The harsh white glare he levels at the other boy is a warning. They are in trouble enough, no need to say anything to make it worse.
"Alright then." Both of them note that her voice has veered into dangerous, someone-is-getting-an-earful, territory. "Tell me why there was an explosion in my kitchen."
Another elbow in Lee's stomach and it is decided that Neji will deliver the message, as he is ostensibly the more diplomatic of the two. "We were informed that you were returning from your mission to Himeji today. We thought you might look favorably on a welcome celebration considering the date. While creating some of the customary foods there was a…mishap…with the oven…and the resulting fire spread into some of your stored explosive powder…."
Neji trails off, uncertain of what next to say. This is one situation that the Hyuuga clan has surely never trained their young to handle. What does one say to a teammate after blowing up their apartment by way of trying to bake a cake? And on their birthday, no less?
For Tenten, the next course of action is obvious. Should she kill them with her kunai or her new scythe? She has recently sharpened the kunai and their fresh gleaming edges have been tempting her as of late. But on the other hand, the scythe is new, and she has always had a fascination for its wicked curving blade.
The medic-nin interrupts her contemplation with a curt yank on the bandages of her newly bandaged arm. "Done here. You're all set to make a full recovery in your range of motion." He sets a small jar of burn salve next to her and gestures at her elbow. "Apply it nightly until it runs out. Just don't aggravate the burn and you should be fine."
His swift departure leaves a pregnant pause. Tenten briefly considers both of her teammates as well as her current stock of weapons. Neji looks as if he is ready to drop into a Kaiten. Lee steps forward, and reaches a hand into his travel bag. "If it makes you feel better, my beloved flower, we did manage to save our birthday gift from the explosion."
Lee shoves a package into her hands, surprising her enough to replace most of the lingering anger. It's weightier than she would have guessed, and the packaging is decidingly abnormal. The bulk of the wrapping paper is a pure, unblemished white, with the edges painstakingly cut and folded into exact lines, but there are a few green bows glued on at strange, jaunty angles. She decides it must have been a joint effort.
"Oh. Thank you." In lieu of any other reaction, Tenten mechanically tugs at the corners to unwrap it.
And then her anger completely disappears, as well as most of her coherent thoughts.
Lying in her lap is a delicate pile of maroon silk, the color more breathtaking and vivid than any Tenten had ever seen before. The feel of it between her fingers is near liquid, softer than any material she has felt before. Gold thread glitters across the fabric expanse like a sea of stars, twisting into the pattern of a rising dragon. The shimmering creature, she can imagine, would wrap around the hip and the bust, its majestic head perching on the wearer's shoulder blade and a golden fire blazing in its wake. Even the golden frog clasps are lovelier than any she has ever seen.
This is the most gorgeous dress I have ever seen, is the first articulate thought to rise in her mind.
"Yamanaka suggested it," Neji contributes. He has never felt so strangely nervous as he does while watching Tenten unwrap their gift. When Yamanaka had first mentioned it he had scoffed at the idea (get Tenten, their interminable tomboy, a dress?) but Lee had bought in and dragged him into the store anyway. Once they had laid eyes on the silky maroon cheongsam all of his doubts had been chased away.
"We hope you like it," Lee adds, a huge and hopeful smile threatening to overtake his face.
Tenten's mouth is already open, ready to lavish them with thanks for such an exquisite gift, when her roving eyes skim the tag. She freezes.
"Guys, this is a size 8."
Tenten knows that the words mean nothing to either of them, but Neji and Lee both tense up as if she has just warned them about an impending enemy attack. They exchange a terrified glance and it is Lee who finally ventures to say, "Can you-can you wear it?"
An awkward pause.
"I'm a size 2."
Lee's face falls dramatically. This has been the last straw for him, worse than the explosive cake baking or the hospital visit. He looks as if he might burst into tears, a thousand apologies already perched on his lips. Neji does nothing dramatically, but the slight downturn of his lips and the disappointment softening his white eyes is close enough to any of Lee's tears or pleas.
What happens next makes Tenten feel completely ridiculous. Somehow, in that small moment, despite the knowledge that her apartment is a smoking wreck and her elbow is a blistering one, Tenten recognizes warmth blooming in a corner of her heart. She is touched. Their reaction (and their misguided thoughtfulness, and their boyish concern) has genuinely touched her.
Tenten sighs. When the repair bill comes next month she will probably be less forgiving, but for now she tucks her ill-fated gift under her arm and grabs both of her teammates hands. "Follow me, boys. We're going to go make a return."
Tenten smiles, "And then we'll take the money to get dinner together, okay? To celebrate."
She tugs both of them out of the hospital waiting room after that and doesn't see either of their faces. But she does hear Lee's relieved laugh echoing through the air, and she does feel the soft squeeze of Neji's hand and the gentle weight of his Byakugan gaze.
It definitely has not been how she envisioned spending her birthday, but Tenten decides she wouldn't have traded it for the world.
(Well, except for the part where they blew up her apartment.)