Okeanos.
The whole Singularity, a planetoid patterned after a certain period in the history(?) of Earth and preserved by the cosmic crisis in its own dimensional pocket, was made of calm, beautiful oceans and small tropical islands stylized after mankind's collective idea of a flawless Eden. White sands! Blue skies! A golden sun! The whole usual magilla! And in the largest and by far most populated of said islands, there was a warm Paradise where the most powerful and remarkable individuals in all of creation—any creation—had been pulled together to take part in a contest for the annals of History!
Should any History remain at all after this, for the stakes were high indeed! Higher than Leif Garret on a paid weekend!
The masses filling the huge rows of seats strategically surrounding a whole gigantic beach of said island, a bizarre sample of all existence had to offer, but with a marked and perhaps all not that representative abundance of humanoids—for evolution had apparently always favored that kind of design in creations—cheered on wildly in anticipation, having been promised the biggest show in all of History, and having plenty of hot dogs and soda sold around at cheap prices. Several of them held colorful banners for some of the already leaked contestants, with wolf calls and cries for "Chiu-sama!" or "Marie Antoinette!" or "Bridget!" being especially common.
They were a bizarre combination of surviving Chaldea employees, grateful assorted citizens rescued from other previously visited Singularities, and the local wildlife, represented by hundreds of small, oddly cute semi-intelligent boars mostly scattered along the front rows, constantly grunting at each other, exchanging jokes and bets on their favorite 'goddesses' of the summer. Regardless of race or species, they were all brimming with enthusiasm over what they were about to witness, the kind of event that only comes often in a lifetime, and that only if your lifetime was extremely fortunate against all normal odds in the first place.
But, what dangers did the dazzling smile of Summer really hide...?
Fate/Grand Order created and owned by Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.
Mahou Sensei Negima! created and owned by Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.
Batman owned by DC Comics.
The Punisher, Ghost Rider, The Incredible Hulk and Deadpool owned by Marvel Comics Group.
Frozen and Duck Tales owned by The Walt Disney Company.
Naruto owned by Shueisha and Kishimoto Masashi.
Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Storm.
Based on KALMIA's Who's the Strongest in all History? Chaldea's Beach Volleyball Championship Okeanos! book.
With special thanks to Anju Addams, The Infamous Man, Shadow Crystal Mage, Lord Mist, Corvus no Genmu, King of Beasts, I Am Not Creative Enough, and too many others to list for their inspiration.
Usual retouches and corrections plus the random extra Servant by Shadow Crystal Mage.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
Margaret Wolfe Hungerford (née Hamilton).
The commoners could not be held back any longer. Their cries of impatience had just grown too loud, and the Servants waiting behind the stage themselves were growing dangerously eager to actually come out and bask in the spotlight (metaphorically. IT was too bright out for spotlights). So what would come next could not be delayed any longer. Sighing to himself, Archimedes the Caster, who still believed all of this was a very bad idea (and this was a man who had once willingly worked for planet destroying aliens) turned back from the red curtains separating the rest of the Servants from the beach and coughed loudly, clearing his throat.
"Listen, everyone! I hope you are all ready, because it is time to start now! Whore of Babylon! You know what to do!"
A certain petite female holding a microphone in hand huffed at that. "Umu!" She was rather busty despite her youth and small size, and had bright eyes, plus yellow hair currently arranged into girlish twintails. When she smiled, she bore a disturbing resemblance to Suzumiya Haruhi. The microphone was decorated with fresh red roses, making it look like a bouquet. "Then this is my moment to rule the stage! Forward!" she vainly reassured herself. "For Rome, and for glory!"
"ROMA!" someone yelled behind her predictably.
And without any further ado, she walked out past the red curtains, making the crowds go insane with glee and joy at the sight of her majestic, confident stride, not to mention the striking bikini she was wearing, a fetching number comprised of orange and white stripes. On her little white feet there were sandals with very high heels, all the better to make her look taller and more imposing while stepping by, lifting the microphone to her mouth and shouting over the delighted roars of the masses.
"Greetings!-! Hello, Rome! Hello, Chaldea! Hello, people from all Singularities! I have arrived, first and foremost of all Servants!" This was met with several loud cries of outrage and more than one threat from the backstage, but she ignored them all. "It is me, your reborn, returned Fourth Emperor, the Red Saber from the Moon Cell! I have come back to deliver happiness and love to every last one of you! NERO CLAUDIUS CAESAR AUGUSTUS GERMANICUS!-!-!"
The spectators all broke into emotional answers ranging from loud sobs to theatrical wailing and incoherent frenzy. Below are only some of the most common cries heard then through the feverish masses.
"Neeeeero!"
"Your Imperial Majesty!"
"Emperor!
"Emperor Nero!"
"Please don't sing!"
"Red Saber!"
"Tange Sakura…!"
"Show us your cans…!"
"Her Imperial Majesty is so lovely!" Caligula gushed, half-hidden behind a post by the sidelines. JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... went his fixed, unnerving gaze.
"Give my Sakura-chan back her voice, bitch!" Daidouji Tomoyo snarled, half-hidden behind another pillar.
Nero flashed a most charming and disarming of smiles, save those of Marie Antoinette's. Taking the microphone directly to her small, flawlessly shaped mouth, she raised her voice with the commanding tone of an experienced showman. "HAVE YOU ALL COME TO BEAR WITNESS TO THE GREATEST HEROIC SPIRITS IN ALL OF HISTORY?!"
"YEAAAAAAH!-!" the assembled masses yelled in a paroxysm of delighted excitement.
Nero shouted again, growing even more confident and dominant in her handling of the audience. "Are you not entertained!? Are you not entertained!? Is this not why you are here!?"
"YEAAAAAAAAH!-!" the assembled masses repeated, almost sounding on the verge of a collective orgasm, and several actually tossing assorted underwear, quartz fragments and other varied currency up for grabs.
Basking in the praise and enjoying greatly, because this was just like Septem all over again, Nero giggled and chuckled to herself before pumping up a fist as high as she could reach. "Very well, everyone! Although we know mine are the ultimate beauty and might, let us meet the rest of the contestants who shall run for the second place after my imperial magnificence! They all are also greatly desirable and powerful in their own different ways! Your Emperor shall not make you wait any longer, my beloved people! Here they are! Enter, THE SERVANTS!-!"
The masses went even wilder if possible as the first Legendary Spirit (but not THE first, just to be clear), reborn and healthy, marched out of the backstage to greet them.
This Servant was a young girl, petite and svelte, hopping around on a single foot, but occasionally switching from one leg to the other, and then back again. In a hand that never faltered, she held a vibrantly pink parasol over her head, which was topped by long blond hair, tied into two large pigtails on the side of her head, which fell down to the level of her very narrow waist. She was wearing a quite skimpy bikini, mostly pink but featuring a few tiny black details, and decorated with all sorts of bows and lovely frills helping to cover her barely hidden private parts, provided someone actually bothered to draw it. On her feet, the cutest ever sandals, also ornate with all manner of pink bows around her small toes.
"The Grand Couturier of REVOCS!" Saber introduced her. "No-one knows about her past! Is she friend, or foe? What is the origin of her strange, incredible abilities? How shall she surprise us next? No one can predict that! Quickly escalating positions in the ranks of the Assassins, here is she, our first contestant... HARIME NUI!"
"La vie est drole!" Assassin giggled girlishly, winking her single large, purple and round eye to the audience, before happily skipping back the way she had come.
"He lives to slay dragons!" Nero said of the next participant, who was slowly coming out after Nui now. Compared to her he was much bigger, taller and paused, although his slowness might be mostly related to the apathy evident from his handsome face. "And now, after multiple strengthening quests that finally almost let him do so, comes his turn to shine before us, slaying the competition! He is no impostor homunculus, either! The original, the hero equal to a thousand men! PRIIIIINCE SIEGFRIED KIRCHEIS!"
"I'm sorry for coming before all of my sincere, patient friends..." the long haired, neither too rugged not too delicate, Saber of the Yggdmillennia Faction apologized in a mumble, keeping his humble grayish gaze down on his sandaled feet.
Most women in the audience went shrill and hysterical, his low voice greatly amplified by the speakers arranged everywhere. "He's... He's apologizing again...! How cute...!"
Behind the curtains, Saint George sighed while taking pictures of the show. Will he be really okay without me by his side...? he honestly worried to himself, not daring to shake his head as he wished, lest the next photo would be ruined.
"This is the one and only King of the Jungle!" Nero claimed as the third (or fourth, if you counted her as well) contestant walked in, marching on his feet and knuckles like a great ape, and carrying a primitive spear tied to his muscular, tanned back. Born a Caucasian, his sculpted physique spoke of the travails of growing up in the wilderness, and his hair was long and messy, falling all over and around his distinctively English features. He only was covered by a brown fur loincloth, which covered as much as a swimsuit would anyway. "Lord Greystoke, torn between two worlds! The aristocratic Lord by birthright, orphaned and raised by savage beasts! JOHN GREYSTOKE, TARZAN OF THE APES!"
The African Lancer sniffed at the strange colorful fabric hugging Saber's hips, then tentatively tugged on it. She quickly slapped his hand away. "Hey!" she hissed. "Not before the Praetor, Lancer!"
"It's stretchy," Tarzan observed, sitting on the sand like an ape. "I like this place," he looked all around. "Reminds me of home."
"Well, yes, we will not be here for long," Saber sighed. "Only until I have won this pageant."
"What is a pageant?"
"This contest, I mean," she said.
"What kind of contest is?"
"One to win the Praetor's hand, of course."
"Praetor?"
"Master!"
"Ah. Him," Tarzan nodded. "Why would you want Master's hand? I thought you liked Master? You already have your own, and he needs his."
"That is a figure of speech, Lord Greystoke! It means the right to marry him!"
"Oh. Then why didn't you say it like that? But, why aren't you winning his hand through fighting each other?"
"Because that is what we already do every other day?" Saber pointed out.
Lancer made a thoughtful sound. "You are right. Still, why not to do like the apes? The apes just take any mate they want at any-"
"Ask Lady Jane!" Saber urged before quickly pushing him off the spotlight already.
"When it comes to intense, all-out competitions, you simply must mention this piece of our history!" Nero said. "Both her heritage and her worldview are a danger! The most dangerous educator since Great Teacher Onizuka and that bitch from the Nudist Beach hentai! The officially designated criminal Divine Spirit, JAGUAR MAN!"
With a crooked smirk and a boken slung over a shoulder, out strolled a woman with short brown hair, bare feet and wearing a tiger striped bikini over which she wore an unzipped leather jacket. The self-styled Yakuza Lancer chuckled grisly, narrowing her eyes to look at all the takers for the title. "School's in session! Now, where's my prized pupil? Don't tell me she chickened out of comin'!"
"If you mean Illyasviel, the Commitee of Child Services is still talking on the subject with our organizers," Nero told her. "I know, modern times, right?"
Taiga huffed crossly through her nose. "Tell me 'bout it! It used to be, back in my day, we had to do everything from training Dojos to worm pits to hilarious child abuse flashbacks, and that only made tougher men and women outta us all! This generation's all pampered, I think I'm gonna ask for a return to the good old times from the Grail!"
Her student Sakura sighed. "Spoken like someone who was never thrown into the worm pit herself..."
"What was that, kid?!" Lancer snapped.
"Nothiiiiiiiing, Sensei...!"
"The contestant to come," Nero warned, "is the basest of the base, the vilest of the vile! Short of the Red Skull, Caster Gilles, or Stephanie Meyer, the worst mankind has to offer! No, it's not a TV Tropes moderator, he's even worse! A beauty only in his own mind and Harley Quinn's, there is no denying his mind is sharp, his madness is cunning, and his taste for theatrics is commendable indeed! His summer skills are also EX ranked! As good a photographer as Saint George, as good a surfer as Mordred, as good an actor as Jack Nicholson! You know him already! The Clown Prince of Crime! The Harlequin of Hate! The Jester of Genocide! The Brokeback of Mountain! THE JOKER!"
The crowd quickly ducked behind their seats as out marched the widely grinning Mad Maestro of Menace, his skinny frame in a tropical tourist ensemble, with a floppy hat, Hawaiian shirt, loud shorts all the way down to his bony knees, and sandals on his chalk white feet. He gestured madly with both arms, making 'Come on!' gestures to everyone and chuckling, before pulling a photographic camera out.
"Smile!" the Mad Assassin of Gotham laughed, then began taking flashing pictures of everyone around him. After six shots, he paused and looked down at the camera, pouting. "Aw, who switched it with a non-lethal one? Batman!"
"Who would come next, but my second toughest rival?" Nero questioned. "After the fox, who menaces the Emperor's nuptial chambers, comes the dragon, who challenges the Emperor's mastery at the stage! Today, we shall settle matters once and for all! She who plans to make this live concert a roaring success! She who failed to understand the point of this event despite countless explanations! Be wary, for she is intent on singing! ELIZABETH BATHORY!"
"Thank you, piggies!" laughed and winked the mad Lancer of the Moon Cell, skipping out on a playful jog, swinging a microphone from one clawed hand to the next. She was not dressed in swimwear, but exactly like a pop idol ready for a live presentation would, complete with tall, high heeled boots. She began blowing loud, sloppy kisses at the audience before putting on a shit-eating smirk and taking her place by the other contestants who had walked out previously. "I hope your act comes before mine," she told the Joker. "Stand up comedians just don't measure to adorable singers, so I'll only make you look worse than you already are!"
"I don't doubt that," the Joker said. "Next to the idea you ever could be a singer, even my best jokes come short!"
Bathory blinked, then began a long and painful proccess of figuring out whether she'd just been praised or insulted.
"Here comes Titania, the powerhouse of legendary Magic Guild Fairy Tail!" Nero pumped her fist up. "A Caster by a whim of the Grail, she definitely did not die cursing it! A Saber at heart, the unstoppable mistress of many armors! Today, she has dropped the bulk of her protection, but that only makes her that much more dangerous! She is not out to steal Medea's men, either! Why does she always win? Because she is Erza! ERZA SCARLET...!"
The stunning redhead in a metal bikini who paraded out next stopped by Nero's side. "Good morning, Emperor," she dryly saluted. "You look good today."
"Fu fu fu, naturally!" the Saber chuckled. "And so do you! Tell me, what will you ask from the Cup, should you happen to win?"
Erza tightened a fist and gruffly barked. "I am going to impose my will with no opposition, of course! I'll become a demon if I need to! Everyone will call me 'Master' from then on! Isn't that what anyone would do?"
The audience fell into a wide eyed, shocked silence.
Erza huffed. "You're a bunch of hypocrites, people!"
Caster Lucy Heartfilia shuddered, with a large sweatdrop attached to her head. "That's why you shouldn't ever offer her that kind of power, guys...!"
"Our next contender needs no lead-up!" Nero feistily said. "Everyone knows her, and all hearts beat for her! Her beauty is only matched by her goodness! Her NP can finally be used since she got her strengthening quest! Her only sin ever has been registering on Altera's faction rather than mine! The holy Maiden of Orleans! The all loving emissary of peace through war! Servant Ruler! JEANNE D'ARC, the White!"
"JEEEEEAAAANE!-!-!-!-!" wailed the Caster and Saber versions of Gilles De Rais, finally agreeing on something.
Out walked a tall, majestic beauty with long platinum hair made into a long braid, wearing sandals, a black bikini, and a half zipped beach jacket over it. Her serene face was very similar to Nero's, and she even had breasts the same size, although they looked smaller on her taller frame. She slammed the bottom end of the long black pole of her standard on the sand and proclaimed loud and proudly:
"Once more, I shall raise this flag, for this country's—-no, this world's salvation! Order has gone up in flames, and so much purpose has been lost. Our future vanished in but a second. Listen to my words, brave warriors gathered here, legion of brave Heroic Spirits! No matter if you were sworn enemies or no matter how far your time periods apart, now you must entrust your backs to one another! My true name is Jeanne D'Arc. In the name of my Lord, I shall stand as your shield! This struggle is one that has long endured through the sands of human history. But there is no need for concern, as untold fateful encounters await you! Though this entire planet has become the battlefield of the Holy Grail War, though the world has been brought to ruin, though countless formidable foes block your path, the end has still yet to be determined by anyone! Now, let us begin our fight, Master!"
Nero gave her quite a stern glare. "You really love that speech, don't you?"
Ruler shrugged, still tightly holding her large banner of France. "If you are good at something, you should do it at every chance you get, don't you think?"
Nero adopted a far more serious and solemn tone than her norm for the next entry.
"Now comes the moment many of you have no doubt been waiting for! Yes, loyal subjects, this is it! While I reign supreme as your sovereign, the chivalrous Servant to come after this is a worthy candidate for the title of my second! You have guessed it correctly! It is the King of Knights! The Lion of Camelot! When there is a crisis in Chaldea, heads turn over to her! And it cannot be denied she has a most gorgeous face! The Once and Future King of Britain! ARTORIA PENDRAGON!-!-!"
The audience went literally wild as the petite, nobly smiling King of the Round, the original Saber, energetically walked out, valiantly holding a watergun in one hand and sporting a simple, pure white bikini, her small tender feet bare. This was the most popular and desired Servant in Chaldea by far, at least out of the battlefield, where she still ranked quite highly. A natural born and then forged leader and figurehead, the Saber all others modeled themselves after almost shone as she stopped under the bright sun bathing her.
She raised her gun and shouted. "My citizens! Today, we will not be denied! We will not be vanquished! Even if I fell, another Artoria will rise to take my place! And another, should she also perish! Camelot's glory will supply you with all the Artorias you could ever use for your protection! Even Arthurs! So rest easy and leave this in my hands. Our victory is assured!"
Too many fists to count were lifted as one, too many voices came together in a chant of support, and many a Servant grimaced, seeing their own chances at triumph diminished in the face of this display by such a fearsome foe. Still, Servants are a proud and stubborn breed for the most part, and soon their spirits were quickly lifted back, confident they could beat the eternal battle horse in the popularity pools.
"Alas, poor fools!" Takeuchi and Nasu chuckled to each other, somewhere else.
"Bathed by the grace of her God!" Nero gushed. "A beauty with a great forgiving heart, but also a fist always ready to punish the wicked! She who could tame a rampaging dragon with loving words or merciless blows! The Ruler of compassion with a stubborn spirit of Justice! SAINT MARTHA!"
"No! Not like this, this is indecent, you don't understand...!" the black haired Martha protested as she was roughly shoved from backstage by several of the strongest Servants, hugging the upper half of her torso. She came to an awkward halt before the expectant masses in her rather revealing black and white bikini, and blushed. "Hm, th-that is..."
Nero smiled gently. "It is okay, you are in the company of friends here. You are one of us!" she reached over to pat her on a shoulder. "After all, you would not even hold my public discouragement of your religion against me when we finally met, and I shall always remember that gesture of kindness! Others might stand to learn from it!"
"I have forgiven as best as I could!" Boudicca shouted.
"I meant Casko!" Nero shouted back before chuckling at Martha. "So there is no need to be shy, do you see? Your Lord would not think this is a shameful gathering, I am sure... well, other for the Joker... and De Rais... and Bathory... and the older Bathory... and the barbarian Bathory... and the one no longer calling herself Bathory… and Darth Vader... and..."
"I, it's not that, it's just..." she leaned ahead, and uncomfortably whispered something into Nero's ear.
Nero blinked, smiled again, and then whispered in turn into Martha's ear, "No, I don't think you look fat in that. Far from it."
Martha smiled beautifully at her in thanks. "The Peace of the Lord be with you, and may you renounce your pagan gods," she blessed her before walking away, with Nero waving happily at her.
Artemis was far less contented. "What, may I ask, is that wrong about us pagan gods?" she wondered aloud.
"I cannot possibly imagine what, indeed," the Orion on her head quietly snarked.
Nero looked at the next name in her list, frowned, and finally sighed in disgust. Her shoulders drooped.
Very unmotivated, she grunted into the microphone. "Seriously? This automaton is not even sexy. Okay. This is a Berserker. It is a Xenophobic salt shaker you should ask your British nerd friends about. It is some DALEK! Yay," she blandly finished after the forced exclamation of the other Servant's designation.
Indeed, a figure strongly resembling a large salt or pepper shaker moved jerkily onto the stage, blue lights erupting from it. A mechanical voice emanated from the contraption promptly. "MY-VICTORY-IS-GUARANTEED! THIS-CONCEPT-OF-BEAUTY-IS-OBSOLETE! FUNCTIO-NAAAALITY-IS-EVERYTHING! AND-NO-THING-IS-MORE-FUNCTIONAAAAL-THAN-DAAAAAAALEKS!"
"Oh brother!" The Joker sighed. "Here he goes again...!"
A larger beam of light shot out from the Dalek as a warning shot of shorts, going through the chest of Caster Cu Chulainn and killing him. "Ah!" Bazett Fraga Mc Remitz gasped. "You killed Caster! You bastard, you aren't human!"
"OF-COURSE! I-AM-NOT! HUMANS—WILL—BE—EX—TER—MINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EX—TER—MIN—AAAAAAAATE!"
Lancer Karakuri Chachamaru quietly walked up to Berserker, walloped him across the top, and then dragged its unconscious form back behind the stage without saying a word.
Nero sighed. "Fine. We will never talk about this again, shall we?"
"Now comes the time to shine of she who considers the Holy Grail to be a Mahatma souvenir!" Nero moved on. "Her unique world view explodes onto the beach! The founder of theosophy, HELENA BLAVATSKY!"
"Thank you! Thank you so much, everyone!" the short and purple haired Caster smiled, walking out in practical summer shoes and a plain school swimsuit that gave her a special youthful charm. For all Lolicons at least. She opened the thick book she held in her hands and coughed delicately. "Ahem! Taking advantage of a venue this wide, I'd like to devote a few minutes to my and your time to educate you, fine fellows, on a few select points of my theory. It won't take long, I promise! It's just an excerpt from pages 75 to 96 of this book I am currently working at. It's tentatively titled 'Observations on the Multiversal Influence of the Mahatma with Regards to the Human History Incineration Phenomena' and it-"
"Your time is over, Caster," Nero observed.
Caster blinked. "Excuse me? I had no idea we were supposed to run on a pre-set time, and as a matter of fact, several of those who came before me took way longer-"
"Thaaaaaaaank you for your contributions, but like I said, your time is over, I am sure a great genius like you shall understand that quite easily!" Nero insisted, starting to more or less gently push the surprised, still blinking Helena off the stage.
"What an indignity! Such an offense to Madame!" Caster Edison gasped, scandalized.
"Bring back the cute legal loli!" people shouted from the stands.
"Take it off!" someone else added.
"On the other hand… it could be worse," Edison mused.
"For once we can agree!" Tesla nodded almost desperately. "This is an outrage! A violent desecration of culture! Does it mean they won't listen to my lecture either?!"
Edison chuckled. "Well, about that, I wouldn't have any objections to it! A scientific doctrine as flawed as your shouldn't be allowed to spread!"
Tesla hissed murderously at him. "What was that? Animals should not be allowed to speak on what is best for Science or not!"
"That's right what I was saying, the reason why you should be disbarred completely already!"
"Fool! What is your concept of science? Only that of a prostitute offering herself to the corporate- Uhhhhhhh!" he and Edison paused as the nearly tearing out Helena joined them backstage, both looking down at her slightly shaking form and muted by it.
"Th-They just wouldn't listen...!" she lamented, as the other two Servants looked at each other, and then sat down before her.
"They will, however," Tesla promised. "It's just a matter of time. In the meanwhile, why don't you share your latest discoveries with us? Better if you can run them through a specialized filter first, even though I'm sure they don't need it."
"Oh, they don't at all, that's guaranteed. Madame runs rings around us both, but still, maybe it will give me ideas on what to write for my foreword?" Edison added. "Please start already, Madame, I can hardly wait...!"
Helena blinked again, gave a little sniff, and then regained a confident, more mature attitude as she sat down as well, opening the tome in the process again. "Ah hah hah, gentlemen, you truly flatter me. Well, far from me to disappoint your curiosity then..."
Just so you know we can sometimes end things up in a more sentimental way too, right?
"When it comes to contests with no rules, there is no one more terrifying!" Nero's voice blasted above her people as the next contestant walked onto the stage in a cold and measured manner, clad in a black bikini with matching sarong skirt, which gave her a highly sexualized but also very distinguished and dignified air. Her hair was purple and long, made into braids, and two long, sharp ears were visibly protruding from it, adding to her whole aura of exotic mature allure.
This woman in high heels posed with her chin kept high and her small pink mouth jutted up in a gesture of pure contempt while Nero loudly gushed. "Even if we had any rules, she would break them before doing anything else! But that, too, is a large part of her dark and dangerous appeal and her dark and gritty edge! Meet the classic Caster from the Age of Gods, the priestess of Hecate, MEDEA OF COLCHIS!"
Without a single word, Medea spun around and walked back the way she'd come, making a point of enticingly swaying her hips as she walked. Most gazes across the beach were glued on her firm backside, and many a heavy sigh of contentment was heard.
"I guess this isn't too bad every once in a while, though..." the Caster grumbled to herself as she finally walked out of sight, satisfied with the attention she had received for once...
"Her bright smile is the purest expression of what Summer is about!" Nero said of the following contestant. "Summer is about the things she represents: Love and War! And saving money and gems for your vacation! The Goddess of the first myth who would both annihilate and protect mankind! The Tsundere of the golden legend who would berate and insult and rescue and love you depending on her mood! Beware her divine passions! Riding a body not her own, but a suitable vessel for a Divine Spirit all the same! Who could she be, but ISHTAR?!"
The Archer With No Name, Archer Lily, Artoria Prime and Jaguar Man all smiled to some degree or another and quietly pumped and spun their fists up as the twin tailed, dark hailed, red bikini-filling female Archer from Babylon strode with overwhelming confidence, lovingly smiling at everybody in her wake. Gilgamesh and his alternate selves, on the other hand, just kept on booing and hissing at her to the top of their lungs.
"BOO! BOO! WHAT A WHORE! THE TRUE WHORE OF BABYLON! TAKE HER OUT! WE DON'T NEED HER KIND HERE...!"
Nero had honestly forgotten who came next, so she checked on her list to be sure. "Let us see... What does it say here... Umu! This is the protege to one of her world's wealthiest adventurers and treasure hunters! Granddaughter to a tough, hulking bodyguard and Maid Ninja Skillzz Meido! Let us hear it, then, for Assassin... WEBBIGAIL VANDERQUACK...?"
Then a grappling hook's line wrapped itself out of nowhere around Saber's leg, and someone tugged on it, making the Servant yelp and fall down. Several suction cup darts were shot on her, covering her from all sides, before Nero clenched her teeth and felt a small webbed foot pressing down on her head.
The little, white feathered female duck standing over her now blew on her trick guns, wearing a pink bathing suit, with a matching bow on her head. "Alright!" she said. "That's what you get outta not being up to date with our new series, Missy! Duck Tales 2017, woo-oo!"
"Your harem includes even a duckling now?" Saber growled. "Really, Master?!"
The succession of strolling contestants came to a momentary stop as the cameras on the site focused on a commentators' booth overlooking the seats for the audience, where only one woman and a man sat, side by side, with another, empty chair by the woman's right side. The lady was gorgeous, a perfect lookalike of the elegant Monna Lisa, wearing a classy but sensual red bikini, and decorating her long black hair with a strikingly red fresh orchid. "Bon Giorno, everybody!" she greeted the spectators with a charming smile. "While Emperor Nero drinks some water to prepare her throat for what there is to come... especially if she wins, let us introduce ourselves, and the Great Prize for the winner of this pageant! As your modern song says, the winner takes it all! I am the Caster of the Renaissance, All Purpose Genius, Leonardo Da Vinci!"
"Sorry for the delay!" easily laughed the slightly-effeminate looking man (but weren't they all?) in the shorts and open jacket sitting by Leonardo's side. He had light brown, almost reddish hair combed back into a long ponytail, and an overall affable, somewhat daffy attitude. "I'm Doctor Romani Akkiman, your friendly Chaldea Chief of Medical Services and totally not secretly the real King Solomon, no, definitely not! So glad to be with all of you today, people! Let's all have safe fun, okay? Use a condom!"
"And finally, the third member of our Committee!" Da Vinci added, pointing up at the dark haired boy in swimming trunks tied to a cross hanging above them and heavily gagged. "Chaldea's own prized Master, the man we all owe our lives to! He has conquered the hearts of mankind's best, to the degree they all would compete for him, regardless of genre, species, social standing or even Class container! Why, even I want him a little bit, so better watch out, everyone! Ah ha ha, that was just some humor, please don't kill me! Seriously! Fujimaru Ritsuka-kun hereby makes his official debut in a beauty pageant!-!"
Saint Martha gasped from the group below, pointing up at her miserably whimpering, absurdly restrained Master. "Blasphemous! That's not only cruel, but blasphemous!"
"The winner of this contest will win, not only a free night of prana recharging from Master," Da Vinci explained, a hand gesturing aside, "but also a wish from the Holy Grail itself! Through our campaigns, Chaldea has found and retrieved many different Lesser Grails in different dimensions, but we also have found a true, actual Great Grail in Fuyuki City, Japan! Ritsuka-kun's very country of birth, that must be Fate! Let us all also salute the miracle wish granting cup, the Great Holy Grail, better known as Grail-kun...!"
Atop several blackened, inert cups set on a large box at a corner of the stand, there was a sinister bigger cup, with two beady black eyes and a constantly open mouth from which oozed a pestilent, dark substance, even as the cursed artifact spoke. "Angra Mainyu, I'm counting on you...!"
Saint Martha pointed up as well, this time at Grail-kun. "That's also blasphemous! No matter how you want to put it, that thing's unholy! That's an offense against the real chalice our Lord drank from!"
"Do you want us to bring up how crosses where originally the intellectual property and torture device of Rome?" Romulus said. "We made them first! We'll sue! Pay us for 2,000 years of copyright infringement!"
"And now!" Nero's voice boomed again. "We meet the awesome Copy Ninja of Konoha! The master Assassin striking from the shadows! Teacher to Caster Uchiha, but let us not hold that against him! He is as entitled to the right to be called a Heroic Spirit as any of us! Perhaps today we will get to see what lies under that mask...? The Sixth, I believe, Hokage from the Leaf Village! HATAKE KAKASHI!"
Then she smiled and waited for Assassin to come out...
"Huh," Saber said after a few moments of silence. "That's some good Presence Concealment!"
"I think," Da Vinci said, "he's not come out yet."
"Ah!" Nero said. "She waited a little longer. "Then, when is he supposed to come out?"
After waiting a little longer herself, Leonardo shrugged. "I'm not sure. He's got a reputation for being tardy, doesn't he? Maybe we should just move on and hope he wasn't lured into another Singularity and killed off."
"UMU!" Nero huffed. "Deceiving the Emperor in this fashion is a serious crime against the state, I will let you know!"
Roman laughed easily. "Come on, come on, don't be that way. We all have our different quirks! Let's just live and let live, this is less competition for you!"
Nero sighed, twirling her mike around. "No one is any competition for me in the first place, but you are correct, Doctor, this show shall not wait for anyone not doing their part..."
"The exact nature of our next contestant's Class container remains a complete mystery for us," Nero confessed. "Da Vinci said she is a Temptress, one of a Class previously unknown to us. The title 'Funny Vamp' was thrown around as well, but is frankly so ridiculous allof us have refused to use it. However! Since her summon, this Servant has been acting with so much anger we cannot think of her as anything but a Berserker! Her motives are totally irrational as well! Behold the ultimate expression of Mad Enhancement, ARCUEID BRUNESTUD!"
A tall, buxom blonde, with hair that was rather shorter and a few shades darker than Nero's leapt by her side, growling ferally and lurching forward, her eyes crimson, her hands clawing around her sides. She was wearing a plain white bikini and despite her terrifying and primal attitude, or perhaps even because of it, remained utterly sexy. "Arcueid," Nero calmly asked her. "We understand you are a True Ancestor, a vampire, a super predator out to brutally vanquish your own kind, and that if you lose your control you are quite likely to turn on humans as well. We also are aware you tend to lose your temper around curry-loving agents of the Church. However, we have none of those around, and we have done nothing to wrong you, so why do you still remain in that altered state of mind even the Praetor can barely hold back? That is something I have been meaning to ask you since the Moon Cell.."
"YOU BASTARDS STILL DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?!" Temptress madly shouted. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOUR STUPID OVERRATED FRANCHISE'S! WE USED TO BE SOMETHING! WE USED TO SHARE EQUAL TERMS WITH YOU! BUT NOW THANKS TO YOU WE'RE FORGOTTEN! WHY IS THERE AN ILLYA MAGICAL GIRL SPINOFF AND NOT A PHANTASMOON SHOW?! WHERE ARE OUR SEQUEL AND OUR REMAKES?! TSUKIHIME GRAND ORDER WHEN?! TSUKIHIME APOCRYPHA! TSUKIHIME EXTRA! TSUKIHIME STRANGE/FAKE! WE NEVER GOT TO REDEEM OUR BAD ANIME LIKE YOU DID EITHER WHAT IS TAKING UFOTABLE SO LONG?! GET THE CLUE ALREADY! AND YOU ALL KEEP BULLYING WHATSHERNAME AND MAKING HER SAD! I HAVEN'T SEEN SHIKI FOR YEARS! SHIKI, SHIKI, SHIKI, SHIKI, SHIKI, WHY?! AT LEAST DO MORE MELTY BLOOD STUFF DAMN YOU NASU...!-!-!-!"
Nero half-turned around and shrugged to the audience. "See? None of what she says makes any sense, poor thing..."
"ARRRRGGHHH, WHERE'S MY CHAIR?! I NEED A FREAKING REST!-!-!-!-!"
"Next!" Nero bellowed. "The mysterious Twilight Princess from Mars! A hardened fighter with the frail heart of an innocent maiden! She claims to only love older and distinguished men, but the rumor is her true love is a certain youthful teacher of hers, rich blonde girls, and there are rumors of intimate outdoor exhibitionist events with cute crow demon girls! Either way, she hits as hard as the gorilla she is often teased after! KAGURAZAKA ASUNA...!"
"Cut that crap out right now, all of you!" shouted angrily the young, athletic and pretty redhead who had just stormed into the stage, swinging a huge paper fan in a hand and wearing a light blue sports one piece swimsuit. "Enough of this! Don't you know when to quit?!"
This Saber pointed her fan up at the bound and gagged Ritsuka and said, "You're just as bad as my old class! If not one thing, then another! First Valentine's Day, and now this! Can't you just respect this poor guy's feelings? Don't you see you're hurting him?!"
Ritsuka cried several thick streams of tears while mumbling something that would have been heard, if not for his gag, as "I knew I could count on you, Saber-san!"
"Saber-san," Leonardo calmly said over her microphone, while rubbing her own forehead in circles, "how often did this used to work when you did it to protect your teacher from your classmates?"
"Pretty much never," Saber quickly answered. "Why do you ask?"
"Right," the Renaissance Caster nodded quietly. "Now, please imagine you are facing the whole of your class again, but this time your class is even more numerous, and far more powerful, and your Negi-sensei just cannot fight back to help you, at all. What does your common sense tell you would happen in this completely hypothetical case?"
Saber blinked. "Ah? But, well, this case is different, I mean, we're all older and wiser now, and we all should know better, and... and... and..."
Then she finally threw her hands up, turned around, and began stomping away. "I'm sorry, Master! I did what I could!"
Ritsuka sobbed miserably through the gag. "MMM MMM MMMM MMM NNNNOOOOOO!-!"
"Now, here comes an old friend of mine, from the Moon Cell!" Nero said. "A tragic, lyrical creature who only wishes for an enchanted place under the sun! The friend to all good children, she shall share her stories with anyone willing to listen, or better yet, read! The lost Alice! NURSERY RHYME!"
A book appeared floating in the air before the audience, its pages open and flapping slightly, as if to keep it hovering in place. Its cover showed a scene from Alice in Wonderland, with the blond young girl in the blue and white dress looking up at the twisted grin of the Cheshire Cat. For the purposes of this fanfic, the Alice and Cat of this cover will again be played by the Disney versions from The Keys of the Kingdom, thanks for asking. If you want the sexy Zenoscope version, wow, I'm impressed you're still reading that crap. If you're imagining American McGee's Alice, stay right where you are while I back away slowly in preparation for running for my life…
The Red Saber of Mahora cringed, for all Baka Rangers but one hated the sight of what had just manifested. It was anathema to them. "G-Geez, Caster-san…!" she stuttered, massaging the bridge of her nose up. "Are you sure that was the best form you could bring to a beauty contest?!"
"Why not? This is me at my most beautiful!" Nursery Rhyme gleefully answered. "There's nothing more delightful than a good book, after all!"
"Now comes the dumbest of all goddesses!" Nero laughed. "Seriously, I usually try and respect gods, even Art- I am sorry, Orion, but in this case such a feat is impossible, nobody respects this woman! She is the shame of all Heavens, the screw-up from Kazuma the Beast's party of pitiable adventurers! It is AQUA!"
"TAKE THAT BACK! THAT IS SLANDER! WE'RE SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!" shouted a cultist of Aqua from the crowd, while several individuals sitting around her and holding Aqua banners nodded sternly in agreement.
"YOU SCREWED UP!" cried a young woman with short light blue hair, wearing a dark blue bikini top and short skirt, as she ran out of the backstage, waving a large key weapon of sorts that Saber barely blocked in time with her Aestus Estus. "I'm not that Aqua! She's a Caster! I am a Saber! Pride of Master Eraqus, Keyblade Master, traveler of the worlds, AQUA...!"
Nero blinked before easily pushing the other Saber back. "You call yourself a Saber, woman? Where is your blade? Why do you wield that ridiculous thing instead?"
"It's not ridiculous! It's the powerful Keyblade, the weapon chosen to defeat Darkness, and I didn't see you mocking her when she came at you with a giant paper fan!" Aqua heatedly argued, pointing at the Red Saber of Mahora.
"Hey. Leave me out of this, okay?" Asuna grunted. "Besides, I do have a real sword as well!"
Berserker Golden Darkness huffed. "The weapon chosen to defeat me? Somehow, I doubt that..."
"No, she means me!" the much bustier and taller Berserker Darkness from Belzerg drooled copiously, with large stars in her blue eyes. "Oh! Oh, please hit me hard and relentlessly with that big blunt instrument now, great Aqua! It's meant by Destiny to beat me, after all...!"
The blue haired goddess sitting next to Darkness was not amused. With her arms folded and a bitter scowl on, she muttered, "So, the shame of Heavens, the screw-up from Kazuma the Beast's party, huh...?"
"We never said it was by a wide margin," Nero said.
A small but noticeably busty girl with short pinkish purply hair marched out into view, sighing sadly to herself. "Let get this over with as soon as possible."
She was wearing a light, semi-transparent pink summer dress over her white bikini, the bottoms of it peeking out under her all too short skirt. So much for prudishness. A cap kept the Sun out of her eyes, further protected by glasses. Ritsuka's face radiated with hope as soon as he saw her.
"She needs no reason to be strong!" Nero shouted what could be interpreted as very nasty praise or very clumsy insult. "And of course not! She is Master's main and first Servant! Power was infused into her through birth! Nothing can get past her, much less her defenses! Always watchful by Praetor's side! Chaldea's second best idol! The only Shielder in existence, now that retcons have happened! Proving that Nasu will use every old idea that got dropped eventually, MASHU KYRIELIGHT!"
"Sempai, please d-don't worry and hold on there!" Mashu cried. "I'll save you yet!"
"Mssshuuufff! Yuuuuhh thuuu unnnuuu unnnn uuuhh kuhhh kuhhnnnt!" Ritsuka sniffled in tears, meaning 'Mashu! You're the only one I can count on!"
Roman blinked, scandalized. "Fujimaru-kun! Have you just called poor Mashu-chan, out to help you, a cunt?!"
"Sometimes you're quite a dick, Romani," Leonardo slyly commented.
"What? N-No! Don't get me wrong! I'm only saying what honestly came naturally to me!"
"Then that only means you're a natural born dick..."
"And now, a very close friend and rival to Kagurazaka Asuna!" Nero exposed, while the Red Saber of Mahora facepalmed. "The legends tell both about their bitter enmity and their golden years ruling a kingdom together, but which part is true and which is fiction? Here she is, taken from her pristine youth! A lover of strong horses and cute young boys alike, so be careful, Alex-kun! YUKIHIRO AYAKA!"
"Oh ho ho ho!" laughed the shapely, gold-haired teenager who had just walked in at Nero's words, happily waving at the crowd, and mostly to the Berserker of Ostia. She was wearing what was technically a one piece (as opposed to the One Piece, which is totally a myth because what what actual treasure takes this long to find?), but really was more of a set of thin black strings of spandex that stretched up her curvaceous body, barely covering her private parts without slipping whenever she gave a step. "Thank you, everyone, because of you, my victory and Sensei's is guaranteed today! Ho ho ho!"
Ishtar and Asuna shuddered together at the sound of that Rider's aristocratic laugh. "That is simply too creepy for words…" the goddess commented, gnawing lightly on her knuckles.
"You have one too, huh?" Asuna guessed with a sigh. "Welcome to the club. By the way, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but you actually look very familiar…"
"Aaaaaaand now!" Nero yelled. "Let us greet this wonderful Servant from the days of- WAIT A SECOND, NO!-!-!" she and everybody present panicked at the sight of the huge, curvaceous female with gigantic curved horns and very long light blue hair, who had just shown up out of nowhere. She only wore extremely skimpy bikini bottoms and Rapunzel hair strategically placed on her large breasts. "You- You are- It can't be! TIAMAT!-!-!-!-!"
Screams of terror abounded everywhere as everyone, Servants and attendants alike, quickly fleed in an, ahem, strategic retreat only meant to allow them more time to regroup, think things over, and then triumphally return to kick the Beast's ass, seriously.
Then Tiamat, the Mother Beast, stood there, alone, eerily silent and still, staring into the distance.
"A—AAAAAA!" she loudly complained. "LAAAAAAAAA!" she lamented.
Then she sadly walked away towards the horizon, shoulders drooped miserably. Why was she always denied a Heel Face Turn when even KIARA got one?! That just wasn't fair, AAAAAAAAA!
It took quite a while before everybody dared to return.
A literal flaming human skeleton, the fire surrounding it that much fiercer around the skull, rode into the scene on a bitching black Harley Davidson, spinning around in radical wheelies while the animated skeleton enemies sitting in the audience cheered, howled, and in a few cases even whistled their support.
"The Rider from the very pits of Hades!" Nero exposed. "We apologize over showing him in the absence of flesh, but no underpants or Speedos ever made could contain the burning passion of his drive! Taking a brief time away from staring into the souls of evildoers and purging them from sin, the GHOST RIDER, demonic ZARATHOS combined with unfortunate JOHN BLAZE, drives into the middle to us to remind us of the fate of all human flesh!"
Rider acrobatically leapt from his bike, which stopped immediately as if gifted with a life of its own, and grabbed the microphone, madly cackling into it. "Look into my eyes and despair! Confront your faults and suffer through regret... FOREVER! Feel the pain of those you have wronged!"
Most of those in the audience were smart enough to NOT do that, but Arash was soon running around the beach, taking his hands to his head and screaming in agony. "KARNA! OH GODS, I'M SO SORRY, KARNA!"
"SO MANY SOULS RUINED BY THE GACHA SCREAMING FOR BLOOD!" those who operated the gacha cried as their eyes caught fire while they wept tears of blood.
Nero sneered. "Cannot look into his eyes, certainly cannot look into his pubic bone either... What a troublesome Servant to have around!"
Hey. Don't blame us. Blame whoever okayed the Marvel Swimsuit Special.
"Hey!" Oda Nobunaga, the Demon Archer, dressed in a red bikini, called from offstage, "Has anyone seen my Noble Phantasm? For some reason it ran off on it's own and stole Saber Alter Swimsuit Maid Archer Rider's (wow, she managed to surpass Jailter in one go) motorcycle and was last seen heading this way…?"
"Gee, thanks," Ritsuka bitterly mumbled, taking a seat by Da Vinci's other side, and finishing untangling his reddened wrists from the last few ends of rope. "Glad to see it only took you all that shaming from Mashu and Asuna-san, and then them threatening you behind the curtains, to get you do the humane thing after all..."
"You're welcome!" Da Vinci nodded with a pleasant smile, while Roman innocently looked in another direction. "Let me tell you I'm also glad you finally decided helping along, so there would be no more need for bondage... at least until the prize is collected!"
Ritsuka blushed strongly, which made Da Vinci giggle. "D-Don't even joke about that! Do you truly realize what you've done? You've put everyone in a collision course when they needed to be united the most, and then placed me right at the middle! Me, the only one around with no superpowers at all!"
"Hey, at least you have Command Seals, I don't even have that!" protested Roman. "I'm way more powerless than you are, Mr. 'I control all of History's greatest warriors'!" It's not like I'm a Servant or anything!"
"Calm down, Romani. But, can't you feel the overflowing aura of sportmanship, Master?" Leonardo smiled benevolently. "I'm sure they'll keep it clean as long as it's for your sake! They very rarely get to do things together, as a group, other than killing enemies, and Romani thought it'd do them good to start having friendly competitions."
"Yeah, that was me, all right!" smiled Roman, while Ritsuka kept on grumbling and rubbing his aching wrists. "We only tied you up because you were being uncooperative, but our intentions always were good!"
"You jumped on me while I was sleeping!" Ritsuka angrily reminded them.
"You're always sleeping! You keep passing out in the hallways so often we have pillows and blankets left out every fifty feet in case someone finds you sleeping on the ground!" Roman said.
Leonardo shrugged. "Well, you weren't being very helpful, all the same. Be honest now, would you have told us 'yes', had we simply walked over to you and-"
"HELL NO!" Ritsuka snapped.
Leonardo looked at Roman and shrugged. "The prosecution rests, sir!"
"Tsk tsk, what a selfish boy," Romani shook his head in faintly dismayed disapproval. "You don't even have to do anything, just sitting here until someone comes along to collect their reward!"
"And what will happen if someone like Fergus, or Kiara-san, or Raikou-san, or Godzilla, wins?!" the boy protested. "They'd kill me, that's what'd happen!"
Da Vinci exhaled delicately. "You need to trust your Servants more, Fujimaru. That's why this will ultimately do you good. It'll be your fault if they grow disenchanted with you because you keep them at arms' lenghts all the time. They'll start realizing you only use them for battle and then want nothing else with them."
"That's not true, though!" Ritsuka cried.
"Or is it?" Roman insisted. "You keep saying most of them are dangerous, but how will they ever stop being dangerous if you don't take any risks to get close, to show them you would trust your life to them away from the battlefield? Servants... sometimes want more than just a Master, Ritsuka-kun. They crave the attentions of friends... or more, too."
Then he relaxed back on his chair, crossing his arms behind his neck, and innocently commented, "Not that I'd know anything on the subject because I've never been a Servant or anything, but I still can deduce those things from Da Vinci's behavior!"
"Right..." Leonardo frowned slightly at him.
"What if I just declare you the winner and we get this all over with at once?" Ritsuka snarked at her.
"Me?" the Renaissance Caster laughed at the ridiculous notion. "My dear boy, I'm not suicidal! Those hyper hormonal freaks of nature would rip me apart! I'm a Caster, remember, we're squishier than a 1-Star Berserker!"
"You said we should trust them!"
"I said they should receive trust from their Master, not from another Servant! Servants are just intended to rival each other, that cannot be helped! Isn't that right, Romani?"
"I wouldn't know, I've never been a Servant or anything," the Doctor sighed, looking aside. "Really."
"My son is mine! Those who dare to interfere deserve nothing but full force blows and full strength slashes!" shouted the Berserker who was taking her place right now as this exchange took place. She was one of the tallest female Servants, and also one of the bustiest, with long black hair and a pale complexion that contrasted with her dark purple bikini, one so risque it had most eyes in the crowd boggling madly just to keep up with the sight of so many exaggerated curves.
"This mother came as soon as she heard about a match between great beauties! MINAMOTO RAIKOU!" Nero said of her. "Let us praise her, for so great is her zeal to keep her son away from vice's harm...!"
"She's not my mother. Really!" Berserker Kintoki awkwardly explained to the Servants standing by his side.
"You must have mistaken me for someone who cares in the slightest one way or another," Archimedes dryly observed.
"So she is your romantic interest instead?" flatly asked Avenger Batman, sticking to the shadows of the backstage. "Hnh. I'd have thought the sinister hard drinking devil shadowing you would have something to say about that."
Avenger was too well read to ignore the legends of Kintoki and Shuten-Doji, but Avenger was also sort of a dick like that anyway. He couldn't help it. His legend had been tainted by the late additions from Frank Miller and those from Zack Snyder. The very fact that he hadn't gone all Punisher was proof the Adam West parts of his legend were still stronger, though.
"Hey! At least the women around me, psycho as they are, don't dress up like cats and potted plants! That's another whole new class of just plain crazy, buddy!" Kintoki growled.
"Another Servant from world saving team, Ala Alba!" Nero bellowed. "Wow, they are practically as numerous as Artoria, are not they? Your hearts are going to pump for her just like she pumps-!"
"I'll handle this one myself, thanks!" a slightly shorter, but almost as busty young woman with dark hair made into a short tail at one side of her head grinned, walking past Nero and posing a little in her rather skimpy attire of tight bikini bottoms, a belly-showing top, tall boots and long brown open overcoat, cocking her twin handguns for added effect. "I'm Yuuna the Kid! The sharp shooting Archer of Ala Alba! Daughter of two of history's greatest magical fighters! Enemy to old Caster hags everywhere! AKASHI YUUNA! Hell yeah!-!"
Nero frowned, then lightly bopped her mike against the back of Yuuna's head. "Never do that again."
"Hey!" Yuuna cried.
"I am serious," Nero warned in a deadly grim tone. "Nobody upstages the Emperor in public, much less before her Praetor. I have thrown people to the lions for less than this offense."
"Hey now, I was just saving you some trouble, it's not like you can't..."
"I threw them to the lions literally!" Nero made clear. She coughed. "Or so my vile, vile enemies who were trying to make the Christians dislike me claimed."
Yuuna paled, then nodded and discreetly walked away.
Medea smiled. "You are on my list of favorite Servants now, Your Majesty," she decided. Oh, yes, with her and Artoria in matching, yet contrasting dresses… OH!
"Oh, oh! Me next!" a girl barely shorter than Nero with short pink hair, wearing a pink leotard skipped ahead, leapt out acrobatically from behind the curtains, spreading her arms proudly and completely spoiling what remained of the Saber's good moods. "I am Servant Lancer, she of the—Lances?"she then blinked, looking at the gymnastic batons in her hands. "Gee, this Class sure has to reach a lot just to cover its bases…!"
Nero bopped a fist on her head. "Were you not listening when I said I would not tolerate this kind of behavior?!"
"Never mind that, she even forgot her own Class!" Yuuna gulped. "Dammit, Maki-chan, you're dense!"
"And she is not wearing a swimsuit either! That is a leotard!" Nero accusingly pointed at Makie's single article of clothing.
Makie sniffled pridefully. "What is the problem with leotards? You always wear one under your uniform, letting people see! And I wasn't stepping on your toes, I only stated my Class, which I did remember after all, thank-you-Yuuna-chan-hmph! Had I stepped on your toes I'd have announced myself as SASAKI MAKIE from Ala Alba, see?!"
"I'd like to point out I'm not in any way related to this young woman," the Regend of France declared.
"You are stepping on my toes now!" Nero said.
Makie blinked. "Oh! That's right! I just introduced myself, didn't I? Heh heh, sorry, I guess I got carried away...!"
"There is that, as well," Nero admitted, "but you also are literally standing on my toes as we speak!"
She pointed down and Makie blinked, looking at her own feet on top of Nero's. She grinned apologetically at the older Servant. "Have I ever told you, you remind me of some old friend, Caesar-san?"
"I'M NERO!"
Recomposing herself, Nero moved on.
"You cannot have the greatest Emperor of Rome without her most bitter rival! Yes, she is here now! The perfect Heian wife has cast off her kimono! She has awakened as the Great Beast of Summer! Too much so! Be warned that she does not turn into Tamamo Cat! TAMAMO NO MAE!"
Winking an eye saucily, the pink haired, skimpy blue bikini-clad fox Caster paraded with a nonstop slow and provocative swing to her enticing hips. She stopped by Nero's side, flashed her a toothy grin, and walked back away after a brief exchange of hard looks.
What? You were waiting for some explosive quick catfight, or at least some nasty back and forth of stealth and not so veiled insults? Sorry, guys and gals. Maybe next time.
"She hails from the Land of Shadows, the home of spearmanship and slutty Irishwomen who get into threesomes with their daughter!" Nero gestured grandly at the next, tall, majestic figure stepping out. Clad in a flower patterned small purple bikini, this long haired beauty certainly left a lasting expression on the eye and prompted many cries of support. "As long as she stands before her disciples, she is forever in her golden age!"
"None can slay me!" the immortal Lancer proudly said, standing her ground with a reassured smile. She was so respect inspiring we won't even crack any lame jokes at her expense.
"SCATHACH!" Nero shouted. "No more needs to be said!"
"And now!" Nero introduced. "The second most famous mullet of all time! He's our hero who's gonna take pollution down to zero! All of Rin's power magnified, and fighting on the planet's side! Which means he is trying to kill all humans, since Gaia hates us all! Give it up for Caster, CAPTAIN PLANET !"
With shimmering blue crystal-like skin, an environmentally friendly green mullet, and red speedos, the smiling hero of nature walked on stage, chanting vintage late-80's green slogans. "Protect the environment! Conserve energy! Reuse, reduce, recycle! The power is yours!"
"Well, Enkidu will be happy, I suppose," Roman said.
Nero's bombastic panaché continued in full bloom as she announced the next contestant.
"In the future, he might be a cynical, heartless utilitarian! But those days, should they come to pass, are not here yet! He is the Nameless Hero in the springtime of youth! Foolhardy and naive, and dense enough to use as radiation shielding, but never cruel or coldhearted, and most definitely not looking like he is from Detroit! Voted the most popular Servant among Artorias everywhere! Our very own Archer Lily! EMIYA SHIROU!"
"I'd rather be a Master, but I'm still happy as long as I get to fight!" smiled the shirtless, black boxers sporting young redhead of Justice, waving at the public that cheered for him, as a cornerstone of Grail Wars history. Many a female and a few males sighed lovingly, and Ritsuka briefly flinched in a fleeting pang of envy.
"A lovely visit from a Japanese Feudal Fairy Tale!" Nero announced next. "The girl who would leap through time, the reincarnation of the stoic Holy Priestess, the Shikon no Miko! When she tells you to 'Sit!' you will sit! HIGURASHI KAGOME!"
The crowd went wild as out walked a teenaged girl with long black hair and a pretty face, barefoot and wearing a sensible but sexy one piece, with orange and light green stripes. She winked an eye at the audience and said, "I'm the Guardian Archer of the Higurashi Shrine! Please buy our good luck charms!"
"He is a movie star! He is a veteran of two Holy Grail Wars in his own dimension!" Nero narrated of the Servant to come. "He dates the sister of Berserker of Ostia and lives to tell the story! He is not a mutant, he is not a hero, he is not a villain, he is not a gentleman, he is not reliable! We remain unsure of what he IS, other than the fact he is DEADPOOL! Maybe actually named WADE WILSON! But who knows?"
"In the name of TIM, I want to apologize again over that thing, I mean, those things, you know, the things!" the Merc with a Mouth yapped happily, hopping around in nothing but his mask and matching red and blue tiny Speedos, showing off almost the whole of his hideously marked and scarred body. "Vote Deadpool now and you'll win a brand new set of katanas barely used, all blood washed off them!" he cackled, swinging a set of swords around his head expertly. "Vote twice and we'll throw in a 'Make your Own Sentinel' assembling kit, a nudie poster of Blind Al, and compromising photos of Father Kirei! Vote thrice and brother, by then even I'll say you're cheating, you damn dirty bastard!"
"That will be enough, Assassin, please stop it already, you always trigger my migraines..." Nero scowled.
"Oh, but I've just started!" Deadpool whined, bopping in circles around her. "Don't like my voice? Too bad! I didn't bring my other voice actors today, I'm being voiced by Kassir! Ryan Reynolds asks too much to play me in fanfics! Hey, shouldn't you be a Caster now? What's up with that? Why does Type-Moon keep coming with all sorts of rules only to break 'em later? I like breaking rules, too, but other people's rules, I don't have any of my own! Did you know you aren't half as fun to harass as Artie is?"
Nero simply said "Umu!" and then punched him clearly across the beach, so he crashed against a coconut tree, snapping it by half, all the coconuts dropping in quick succession on his head. She dusted her hands off and muttered, "Now you owe me a whole box's worth of aspirins!"
"Can I pay you in coconuts?"
As Nero opened her mouth again, there was sudden roar of approbation, of delight, of celebration. Confused and a little angry, she turned around to see a confused-looking Jack the Ripper wandering out onto the presentation area, dressed in her normal clothes and drinking from a huge cup of soda.
"Excuse us," she was saying. "Can someone tell us the way to the bathroom? We were looking around and we got lost. Why is everyone yelling?"
For some reason, people roared event louder.
"Damn it, she is not even a contestant!" Nero cried. "That is not even a swimsuit! Can someone get Jack out of here and– no, never mind, she has wandered over to where Nursery Rhyme is."
She sighed as a confused Jack asked Nursery Rhyme what she was doing down here, she'd been waiting for her friend up in the stands so they could watch together, could you help finish this soda? Also, where are the bathrooms, we needed to pee. "Quiet down, you damned lolicons! Look, I get it, I am Roman, and we invented liking underage ass, but she is not even a contestant! Moving on!"
A living shadow with deep, piercing eyes stepped out into the bright summer light, flexing its lean arms of darkness. It was a masculine form, a silhouette made apparent flesh and spiky hair, and it wasn't clear if it was wearing any clothes whatsoever. The crowd's cheers stopped immediately.
"He wished to fight, and so he has come!" Nero shouted. "His career prospects are unknown! Is he the future of Comiket censorship?! The next Mr. Game & Watch?! The Root of All Evils in the World! The weakest of all Servants, except maybe Mata Hari! ANGRA MAINYU!"
"Go, Avenger, go," quietly said the black one piece-sporting Caren Ortensia, sitting at the sidelines while slowly waving a tiny flag with Avenger's smirking face on it.
"And now," Nero said, "here comes a Servant who lived even before Gilgamesh! One of everyone's seniors in Chaldea, a veteran of the Neanderthal Wars! Friends with a magical space alien! Chaldea's Bowling League current champion! This man helped to build civilization as we know it... literally! Umu!"
"Good civilization, or bad civilization?" Altera inquired.
Nero pumped her fist. "Always knowing how to have a gay old time! Only he can match the King of Knights' appetite! It took us a long while to learn his real name, until we found it in a fossilized yearbook! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you FRED FLINTSTONE!"
In a rudimentary vehicle made of sticks and two large rolls of stone rode the Rider, dismounting while wearing a leopard fur loincloth and holding a large wooden club in a hand. He lurched ahead with the prominent brow and hunchbacked posture of the cave men, his short hair unruly and black. He was robust and even a little fat, stout strength evident as he bashed his club on the sand and howled, "YABBA-DABBA-DOO!"
"YABBA-DABBA-DOO!" the crowd chorused.
Rider laughed, pounding himself on the chest with a hand. "YABBA-DABBA-DOO!"
"Ah!" the Joker mused with a sardonic grin. "Finally someone who can talk to our public in their own level!"
"Makes you think, doesn't, mikon?" Tamamo commented, briefly scratching the tip of her small nose.
"And now...!" Nero grinned. "Let us meet the Caster queen of the Nile, the ultimate avenger of her family! Even when over her head, she fought on and would make her enemies pay! Striving to stand as an equal to all other Pharaohs, rising from a past long left in the sands, QUEEN NITOCRIS comes to us...!"
A figure completely hidden under a white sheet with floppy bunny ears made her way to Nero's side. "Thank you, Emperor of Rome. Thank you, masses of Egypt! Today, I stand before you under the sacred protection of Lord Medjed! Praised be His name! With His blessings, I am sure to win this contest! For our country! For Queen Cleopatra! For Iskandar the Great! For the peerless Ozymandias!-!"
Nero blinked. "Umu, okay. But, you're wearing a swimsuit under than thing, aren't you?"
The mysterious figure nodded, briefly closing the large and feminine eyes showing through two holes cut on the white cloth. "A quite sexual one, Emperor of Rome."
Nero sighed. "Eh. Fine, whatever you say, I suppose that is all right then, thanks for your time..."
A little girl walked onstage, wearing a black one-piece swimsuit with glowing green tronlines. A lantern-like glowing green symbol was emblazoned on the bow over one shoulder, and over her was a clear green visor. She waved cheerfully at everyone. The words '+ Support' floated over her head.
"There is not a single flaw upon her now!" Nero cried. "She is ridiculously overpowered! All her mad ninja skills have been foreshadowed! Here because the editor managed to sneak her in and the writer approved it! He is definitely still working on her tale, even after all these years, Green Lancer TAKAMACHI NANOHA of 2814!" She posed in a fanservicey but not to objectionable way, surrounded by flashy green special effects.
"Hi everyone!" the girl said, smiling the wide, happy smile of the fulfilled. "It's great to be making an appearance again! Please read my fic and leave lots of reviews! SCM-sama is definitely still working on it! Look forward to the next arc!"
In the stands, Blackbeard screamed and fainted, blood gushing from his nose.
"Yes, yes, shameless cameo appearance finished, next!" Nero said, sighing. The things corporate marketing pushed down their throats! This was definitely bad civilization, umu!
A tense silence fell over the proceedings then, as a small, ominous figure wrapped in and crackling with electricity descended from the sky, landing on his bare feet at the middle of the beach, and making his surroundings literally quake with the force of his impact. Most women in the crowd and the Servant lineup alike swooned or whistled quite noisily.
"He is here! He is here!" Nero boisterously proclaimed. "The Ultimate Boy Genius! A fist of steel in a silken glove! The perfect fighting gentleman! Although he is still only ten-to-twelve, his legend as a world savior, not to mention a Casanova, is already unstoppable! You asked for him, and he has arrived! The Magus Erebus! NEGI SPRINGFIELD!-!"
The young Berserker took his head back and roared, his currently long and spiky hair whipping around and sending sparkles all across the beach. Clad only in black swimming trunks, he flexed his decent, firmly toned but never exaggerated muscles and grinned wickedly, like the beast of darkness he was now.
So hopefully now some of you can stop complaining about how I've never written a really badass and competent Negi. You know who you are.
"Eeeeeeeeenormous!" Nero gushed about the following Servant. "There is no mistaking her! She needs no explanation! Well, other than the part where she is an artificial construct based around Matou Sakura to help protect and police the Moon Cell Holy Grail War! Her bust size is 160 cm.! She weighs one ton! She is PASSIONLIP!"
And then the public went hysterical, as a shy-looking young woman with long purple hair, the biggest and rounded pair of breasts you can imagine, and two massive metal arms more resembling monstruous golden gauntlets with claws, hopped onto the stage, intently looking down and clearly wishing to be somewhere else right now. Her tiny, pink and frilly bikini looked it could not possibly hold onto her wide and voluptuous hips, much less her ridiculously oversized breast, and yet it endured anyway. A magus made it, most likely.
"Nee-san, are you contented now?!" the Alter Ego whined, almost about to break into tears.
"Now, please give a round of applause to Ala Alba's most popular, in terms of Internet activity and web searches, Caster!" Nero laughed. "Her real name has been witheld according to her wishes, but you may know her as part of the 'Holy Trinity' of Internet idols, along Magi-Mari and Kotokon-chan! Bouncing back from last year's scandal and better than ever, CHIU-SAMA!-!"
And then Caster stepped forward, her Pactio Card in her hands. However, against all expectations, she was dressed in an old fashioned, long skirted, black and drab junior high uniform, with thick round glasses and her pink hair in a long ponytail. The various Servants and audience members blinked, surprised by her strange choice of attire. Only the members of Ala Alba smiled to each other, trading knowing nods. Caster's lips moved, and though there was no sound, Asuna and Negi could clearly make out the muttered word.
"Amateurs."
Caster strode to center stage, her steps firm and sure. Then, with an easy grace, she flicked the card into the air and…
Jaws dropped.
She whirled, she pirouetted, her hair flying about like it had a beautiful life of its own. Her hands traced complex, sinuous patterns in the air as, eyes closed, her feet tapped through the steps of an elaborate, twirling dance. Every part of her moved, every part drawing attention and focus. She spun, her hands spinning to trace a circle in the air as, with a final movement to put goddesses to shame, she finally plucked the Card out of the air. "Adeat!"
The light flared, and her clothes reformed into the black sailor-styled skirt and top of popular Biblion Rouland Rouge, complete with a long black tail and little horns on her head. A heart-topped staff with trailing ribbons appeared in the air, and Caster snapped it up with a smooth, practiced gesture, eyes still closed, carelessly twirling it between her fingers quickly enough to give Makie a run for her money. She never stopped moving, every gesture part of a seamless, nearly divine dance. It made one want to reach for clichés like 'poetry in motion', then toss them angrily away for still not managing to convey the ethereal, ephemeral beauty of the moment as one made do with Purple Prose. Blackbeard, Fionn, Ishtar and Doctor Roman all erupted in nosebleeds as a sudden swing and thrust of her hips and upper body sent her skirt and top exploding off herself, shamelessly and with no regard whatsoever revealing the black, lacy bra and bottoms underneath, and the accompanying garters that supported her stockings.
"Guiding the Magical Girls of the worlds, I am the voice that directs their power!" Caster said, her voice ringing with pride, strength, flirtatiousness, nearly lethal levels of moe, command, and self-assurance. "The Sword of Promised Victory is my blade to wield, the knights of Regina Diabolica march at my command, the princesses of the stars dance to my song, the stars that gather break my enemies with their emerald light!" She finally opened her eyes, her lips curving in a saucy, flirtatious smile, eyes half-lidded for maximum devastation. "I! AM! YOUR! NEW! GODDESS! I see all! I know all! I AM ALL! Magical Girl Net Goddess Chiu-chan, ne?" She suddenly smiled wide before winking, the simple gesture conveying pure eroticism.
"Worship me…" Caster huskily breathed, her voice carrying.
The crowd and even most of the Servant ranks exploded into vehement exclamations of worshipping admiration, to say the least.
Berserker of Ostia sighed long and contentedly, having been given a new dose of the sole thing that could keep his inner turmoil repressed for long.
Asuna cracked a smile. "Are you sending Calculator those royalty checks, Chisame?"
Chiu-sama hissed under her breath, shooting a sharp glare at the Saber. "What?! I share her legend, I'm also entitled to use this routine, don't you think!?" she angrily whispered at her. "Don't ruin my moment now!"
"And now, predating even the pirate wenches, yet clearly canon because their first appearance was in an official Type-Moon publication," Nero announced. "Able to fly a supersonic speeds! Able to shoot battleship-destroying laser blasts! Clearly as straight as the fabled Rainbows of Subaru! Main character Gundams in the forms of little girls! The first official two-in-one Servant, Magical Girl (x2) TAKAMACHI NANOHA and FATE TESTAROSSA!"
Two young girls stepped forward, one clad in a pink swimsuit, smiling a bit awkwardly as she held her magic(?) staff, the other wearing a black bikini that, while not Shirai Kuroko-slutty, was nevertheless eyebrow-raising, accessorized elegantly by what looked like a hi-tech black axe.
"H-hi?" Nanoha said, waving hesitantly, while Fate, face red from the attention (though not her swimsuit, since her dress sense was a bit skewed like that), kept silent, managing to look like a cool (loli) beauty.
In the stands, Blackbeard, who had just been revived by Nightingale's BBB-chain CPR, let out another cry and fell over again, flood fountaining so much the sand was looking very disturbingly red.
Among the other contestants, Green Lancer cheered waving at them to stand next to her.
"Ugh, more duplicates," Liz said distatefully. "Not as many as Artoria, but still!"
"You of all people have no right to say that," Tamamo said. "Every Halloween event makes you closer to forming LIZ48!"
Next came a young woman with delicate pale pink skin, large blue eyes, and her light blond, nearly platinum, hair made into a long braid much like Jeanne D' Arc's. She was wearing, against all expectations, a long skirted black and white summer dress, quite conservative in cut and length, and coughed awkwardly, her voice reluctant and shy as she addressed the silently expectating onlookers.
"Ah, ah, hello..." she greeted them. "I was thinking of giving a meaningful, thoughtful speech to remind ourselves of the need of thinking of important things, like the pressing urge to defeat-"
"Theeeeeeeee Queen of Arendelle, the basis for the legend of the Snow Queen!" Nero's domineering voice covered hers easily. "Loved by everyone but Caster Andersen, who hates everyone anyway! The prim and proper flower growing on the snowy mountains! Proof that Disney supports the lesbian community, and even the incest community! One of most popular new Servants, the Caster of Ice! ELSA ARENDELLE! Do your thing, Lady Elsa!" she authorized.
Caster blinked. "Huh? But, but I'd rather be remembered because of my actions, and my leadership efforts in the face of adversity for everyone's good, not only because of my looks, and certainly not because of that song..."
"THE SONG! THE SONG! THE SONG!" the public demanded.
Caster Schroeder began playing a lightly haunting and sad melody from his toy piano as Caster of Arandelle sighed and began singing in a matching tone. The audience grew very still and silent, paying attention and enjoying every second of it. Even the other Servants did so, as well.
"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I've tried."
Sighs abounded everywhere, many a heart fluttering, and even Ritsuka was quietly awed. Caster straightened herself, placing a fist on her chest.
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know...!"
The crowd cheered as Caster threw her hair back, freeing it from the braid with a hand while the other gestured around, and a slight hail of snow fell of nowhere on the scene, lightly sparkling it all over with pure white goodness and covering up the bloodstains Blackbeard made. Her singing grew stronger, more defiant even.
"Let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say! Let the storm rage on... The cold never bothered me anyway."
Servants, audience and Ritsuka began quietly clapping along, all but Andersen, who retreated into a corner growling to himself. Elsa gestured around her body, beginning to slowly dispel parts of her dress while everyone's attentions grew even more focused on her. From a set of VIP seats, her sister almost drooled, having a hard time keeping her camera steady and rubbing her legs together furiously.
"It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!"
The crowd went positively mad as Elsa's dress exploded, reformatting itself into a small bikini of light blue ice tightly wrapped around her body, and she struck a sexy pose with a wink. Anna fainted on the spot.
"Let it go, let it go!" Elsa chanted. "I am one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go! You'll never see me cry! Here I stand and here I'll stay! Let the storm rage on..."
With a few more hand gestures, she began creating an elaborate dome of ice over the stage, a complex symphony of fractal frozen crystals coming together in deeply intricate architecture. Her song never stopped, of anything just going into an even more vital and stronger crescendo.
"My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around. And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the past! Let it go, let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it go! That perfect girl is gone! Here I stand, in the light of day. Let the storm rage on..."
She smiled saucily and spun around on her heels, giving the lovestruck onlookers a glance over her should before winking and walking away with a final, almost purred line.
"The cold never bothered me anyway!"
It took the crew half an hour to clean all the ice off the stage after that, and the intense sun quickly melting it into puddles everywhere made things worse, but nobody complained.
"We are entering the final stretch," Nero commented, "and often the best reserved for the last! Our next contestant would certainly agree, or in his view, you would agree with him instead! It is the proud King of the First Civilization! First Contestant and Winner in a Beauty Pageant! First Male Model! First ever Sex Symbol! He does not need any introductions, but he demanded for them anyway! An old acquaintance of mine from the Moon Cell, an old acquaintance of many from the Fourth and Fifth Wars, an old acquaintance of the Snowfield War veterans, this guy is everywhere as much as Artoria! The Golden Archer, the self-professed King of Heroes! GILGAMESH OF URUK!"
Most ladies present went insanely loud with lust as the Golden King's overwhelming Charisma aura took over the beach. He had just walked out, as proud and imposing as ever, this demigod of perfect hair and lean but chiseled body... and then everybody gawked and choked, as this body was not covered at all, in any way.
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!-!-!-!-!-!-!" Elizabeth Bathory cried hysterically, covering her eyes with her claws, then peeking between her fingers.
"Ack! Hey, what gives?" Green Lancer said, surprised. "Why can't I see through my visor anymore? Wait, what do you mean, 'ask my mother'?"
"Huh…" her counterpart Magical Girl (1 of 2) said dazedly, "I think I might give this bisexual thing a try, he has a very good argument…"
"Nanoha-chan, don't be deceived!" Magical Girl (2 of 2) said frantically. "That looks like it would really hurt!"
"It might be worth it!"
Artoria grunted tiredly. "Archer, please."
"G-GILGAMESH!" Ritsuka blushed, slamming both hands on the table of the organizers. Leonardo raised an eyebrow, pulling out a delicate pair of antique binoculars and using them to get an augmented look at the glowing glory of Gilgamesh's crotch, which seemed to rise with a life of its own under the sun, reflecting its rays in their full length. Yes, it was a lot of length. "THIS, THIS IS A SWIMSUIT CONTEST!"
"BWA-HA, HA, HA, Fujimaru Ritsuka!" Gilgamesh laughed boldly. "You are, as usual, wrong! This is a beauty contest, and what bigger beauty is there than that of my body with nothing to obstruct its view?! None, that is a fact that cannot be denied! Nowhere it was specified, just because this was a summer contest, it was restricted to swimwear! And nothing, to me, embodies summer better than the act of swimming in the nude, fully committed to nature! My opinion is the only one that matters anyway!"
Ritsuka flinched. "No, I'm sure there must be some very clear rule about needing to hide your private parts. Not even Da Vinci-san would-"
"Actually, there is none," Leonardo pointed out. "I basically agree with him, there is no shame on the splendor of the human body!" she began to undo the top of her bikini. "Let us all compete in equal conditions then!"
"Don't do that!" Ritsuka commanded while Roman collapsed with a large nosebleed. "And you, Gilgamesh, just put some pants on!"
"Come down here and make me... if you can!" Gilgamesh challenged, with a defiant posture and a nasty, twisted smirk.
Artoria only sighed and tossed a pair of pants on his face to shut him up.
Next came a large, muscular, Caucasian man with messed up short black hair, slightly graying at the temples, and cold, brown eyes. He only wore tight black Speedos with a white skull emblem sewn onto the crotch. And no, don't blame me, blame whoever approved the Marvel Swimsuit Specials. He regarded the crowd distant and aloofly, as if they meant nothing to him.
"Our next participant has a strict policy of Zero Tolerance against evildoers OR his competition!" Nero excitedly cried. "He is a tortured soul who finds solace in nothing but the acrid smelling fields of violent killing! Plowing criminals down is all he lives for! Yet even his black heart finds some room in it to devote this time to his Master! Three movies to date, all of which suck, despite needing less specials effects than any Marvel movie ever! He is the true Scourge of the Underworld! FRANK CASTLE, THE PUNISHER!"
The vigilante Avenger briefly posed around with a pair of massive guns, one in each hand. "If you're guilty, you're dead! No exceptions!"
"At last!" Nero said. "The man most of you ladies have been waiting for! Including you, Queen Medb, don't pretend otherwise! The unbeatable owner of Gae Bolg, the spear that guarantees death! Scathach's favorite disciple! Even death will not keep him out for long! The Hound of Ulster! It's... CU CHULAINN!"
Smiling, in a flower patterned set of boxers and open jacket, the handsome Lancer walked out, with his trusty weapon flung over his muscular shoulders. He gave a flippant wave of a hand in friendly greeting at the admirers cheering for him... when suddenly a massive scorecard from the top of the stage creaked and fell on him, crushing the unfortunate man under its weight and splattering blood and broken bone everywhere.
"Oh my God!" a livid Bazett Fraga Mc Remitz stood from the crowd. "Your negligence has killed Lancer! You aren't human!"
"AH HA HA HA HA! Best performance so far!" Joker gave a thumbs up.
"How predictable..." Euryale muttered, shaking her head to herself.
"Our next fellow Servant is, well, ah," Nero sighed. "You should understand when you experience it. Please come forth, Berserker."
A puny, scrawny, visibly rattled Caucasian man of indeterminate age, with short, messed-up dark hair and haunted eyes, walked out, with the gait of a broken fellow and wearing only tattered purple pants, torn around the knees. Nero grabbed him by a shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Are you sure you can do this?"
Reluctantly, the man nodded. "I, I think so, yes..."
Nero looked up at Ritsuka and nodded. "Please do it, Praetor."
Ritsuka squinted, getting a better look at the man. "What... NO! What the hell, Berserker! I'm not doing this!"
"No, really, I can take it this time," the Berserker sighed. "Trust me. It should work out for now. And it doesn't, well, there are many here who could stop me..."
Ritsuka sighed as well, shook his head, rubbed his forehead on circles, and finally said, "Okay, your call. Mad Enhancement."
The Berserker twitched, shook violently, trembled in place for good measure, and then quickly expanded and grew, bursting into a grotesque muscular brute of gigantic proportions, rippling with sweaty body mass everywhere... and still wearing the same purple pants. "RRRRAAARRRGHHH! BERSERKER BEST SERVANT THERE IS! BERSERKER SMASH COMPETITION! BERSERKER HAS THE BIGGEST MUSCLES, SO BERSERKER IS THE MOST HANDSOME!"
"BRUCE BANNER, the Incredible HULK!" Nero introduced him, rather needlessly by this point.
"BAH! BERSER- HULK NOT PUNY BANNER! HULK HATE PUNY BANNER!" His tone suddenly turned gentler and lower, although no less gruff. "Hulk like girl with Artoria face, however. How has Artoria face been doing? Oh! Hulk see many Artoria faces around!" He enthusiastically clapped, sending several minor Servants flying away amid screams. "Oops. Hulk sorry about that!"
Nero sighed once more and patted the Hulk on an arm. "I like you as well, Berserker, but I am afraid I must insist, I am not an Artoria face, Artoria and the rest are Nero faces, please try and remember it..."
"Like hell we are!" Mordred snapped.
Nero drew a very deep breath in. "In a competition of personal charm, she could not be left out! She may not be aware of it, but her innocent spikes can destroy even a Demon Pillar! The Sparkling Ultra A-Rank queen of the beach! The Supreme Rider of France! MARIE ANTOINETTE HAPSBURG!"
"Your Majesty...!-!-!" D'Eon, Mozart and Sanson all wildly cheered from the sidelines, all proudly waving their Marie Antoinette Fan Club flags.
"Hmph!" Jeanne Alter snorted, looking away. "It's not like I'm showing support for you or anything! It's merely out of hate for France!"
"Bonjour, everyone!" the ever happy Marie said, skipping out in a blue summer dress nearly as lovely as she, and holding a colorful volleyball in her hands. "I'll do my best, since I was looking forward to this game!"
"Umu, Queen Marie," Nero noted. "This is not a beach volley game."
Marie blinked. "Is it not?"
"Not at all. This is a simple beauty pageant, although I imagine you always could put on a display of the sport as your personal talent. But you would need to set up a court, and someone to play against..."
"I was told it would be a beach volleyball game!" Rider said, sniffling all too cutely.
"Who said that?! Who lied to our Queen?! We shall punish them!" D'Eon, Mozart and Sanson swore.
"It was him!" Marie pointed at Caster Mephistopheles, who was after all the Prince of Lies. Well, a Jack at least. Most definitely at least a 5.
Caster cocked his head aside and grinned. "Oops? I was under the impression at the time, to be honest...!"
"DIE, VILLAIN!-!" the three Knights of the Queen and one tsundere Alter screamed, leaping on him...
A slender, pale girl in a purple bikini that perhaps was too small for her youthful figure and lack of curves apathetically walked onto the stage, with jaded deeply purple eyes and long black hair. The crowd just stared at her blankly, before she sighed, put on a set of thick glasses, and quickly arranged her hair into an improvised braid of sorts. Then the audience went wild with cheers and almost orgasmic exclamations, showering her with flung flowers and more than a few signed letters of love prepared for the occasion.
Celebrating the reaction in her own way, the Servant made the faintest of smiles, pulled out a massive handgun, and shot into the air.
"Yes, it is her!" Nero confirmed. "The eradicator of Incubators everywhere! Bane to all Witches! Enemy to every Wraith! She can be both a heartless enemy, or an adorable, shy Moe icon! She is not one to be understimated! The Black False Archer of the Parallel Fantasia War, AKEMI HOMURA!"
"Madoka," Archer soft but firmly swore. "I will win for you, no matter what..."
The Berserker of Ostia sat before the just arrived new competitor. "There's something I have to ask you," he said hesitantly, especially for a Berserker. He was well aware that that was starting this conversation off in what had to be one of the worst of all possible ways.
"Then ask," replied Ruler, in the same calm, unchanging tone that she nearly always used.
For a moment, he considered "Ruler ARIKA ANARCHIA ENTHEOFUSHIA, last queen of the lost land of Ostia, Queen of Calamity!" as Nero-san was introducing her to the audience right now. His mother. A woman only slightly taller than the tallest of his students, with long blond hair just a touch lighter than Ayaka's, and now, incredibly, seated seiza on the catwalk for Servants to parade across, in a black bikini borrowed from fellow Ruler Shizuna-sensei (did you really think Konoemon himself actually ran Mahora?), which maybe was a bit too big and loose on her. His mother.
Seeking clues to the whereabouts of his father, he had found his mother's final resting place, retrieved some of her belongings, and made Master summon her to Chaldea. And here she was.
He had never permitted himself to wonder what had happened to her. Nekane-neechan had been so gentle and so kind that he could not imagine hurting her by saying that he wanted something else, a presence other than hers. And what had happened when he began to wonder what had become of his father had further soured him on such speculations.
He was so glad that-
"Ahem!" Nero rasped loudly. "Professor Berserker, Ruler of Ostia, not that I have any objections against what is obvious to come from this exchange, but could you perhaps do it in private, after we are done here? I place the fine arts of show business even over the needs of carnal hedonism, thank you!"
"What?!" Berserker gasped. "No, no, of course we weren't going to engage into any kind of-!"
Ruler looked calmly at Nero. "Would it also count as part of the entertainment if we carried on with this encounter until its final consequences right here and now?"
Nero chewed on her lower lip. "When you put it like that it is truly tempting, but I am afraid many here would veto the idea-"
"ABSOLUTELY WE DO!-!" shouted Chisame, Asuna, Ayaka, Vanilla Jeanne, Martha, Shirou, Sakura and several others, all at once. "NEXT CONTESTANT! NEXT CONTESTANT, ALREADY!"
Makie blinked. "So, does this mean Darkenning-sensei gets a credit for this story as well?"
And now, since we are running out of time and energy, a quick montage of the rest...
"Caster! SKULD!" Nero said.
"Belldandy, even though I'm in the running too, I'm still rooting for you!" Skuld said.
"Savior! BELLDANDY!" Nero said.
"Ara ara, shouldn't that be 'Saver', Nero-san?" Belldandy said.
"Temptress! URD!" Nero said.
"Hey, you got the memo where it said you can't just summon goddesses as easy as that, right? Crap, don't tell me! I'm in Bizen Sayoko's body again!" Urd said.
"Lancer! AYANAMI REI!" Nero said.
"..." Rei said.
"Rider! IKARI SHINJI!" Nero said.
"Mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away!" Shinji said. "Medusa, please help me!"
"Berserker! SORYU ASUKA LANGLEY!" Nero said.
"Wasn't I a Shikinami here?" Asuka asked.
"Beast! NAGISA KAWORU!" Nero said.
"I'll console you, Shinji-kun...!" Kaworu said.
"Berserker! MAKINAMI MARI ILLUSTRIOUS!" Nero said.
"I can't believe it! She's superflous even here! One Berserker EVA pilot is more than enough!" Asuka said.
"Beast! RAVEN! Did you know she's supposed to be actually named RACHEL ROTH?!" Nero said.
"Legs!" Raven said, showing some succulent long leg off, and mesmerizing Servants and public alike.
"Caster! TRIXIE LULAMOON!" Nero said.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho! The Great and Powerful Caster!" Trixie said.
"Alter Ego! SESSYOUIN KIARA!" Nero said.
"Celebration sex for everyone after my victory!" Kiara cheerfully promised.
"Archer! DARKWING DUCK!" Nero said.
"Let's get dangerous!" the Duck said.
"Wait, he's not a Vigilante anymore?-!-?" Ishtar cried out.
"Rider! MORISATO KEIICHI! Archer! KAKIZAKI MISA! Beast! LALA SATALIN DEVILUKE! Berserker! SUZUSHIRO HARUKA! Berserker! KUGIMIYA MADOKA! Saber! SAKURAZAKI SETSUNA! Caster! KONOE KONOKA! Caster! SAOTOME HARUNA! Rider! HAKASE SATOMI! Magical Girl (x 2)! KASUGA MISORA and COCONE FATIMA ROSA! Temptress-most-definitely-not-Funny-Vamp! EVANGELINE A.K. MCDOWELL! Lancer! KARAKURI CHACHAMARU! Assassin! TSUNETSUKI MATOI! Caster! ITOSHIKI NOZOMU! Lancer! KAGA AI! Assassin! ALICE LIDDELL! Rider! HASEGAWA SORA! Temptress! SHIINA SAKURAKO!" Nero said.
"Well, that accounts for the rest of the Unequally Ala Alba!" they said.
"Wait? Why am I an Assassin?" a poor, confused Alice said. "I"m not some sort of murderess for hire!"
"Later additions to your legend," Haruna said. "Sorry. Could be worse, you couldn't have been some musclehead Saber."
"What was that?" Asuna growled
"Rider! MEDUSA!" Nero said.
"Well, good to see I wasn't completely forgotten, I suppose," Medusa said.
"Saber! MORDRED PENDRAGON!" Nero said.
"What the hell, I don't get my own entry? Father, this is your fault! Your entry should've been mine and you should be here instead!-!-!" Mordred said.
"Caster! IRISVIEL VON EINZBERN!" Nero said, as a blue deluxe Mercedes madly crashed into the stage.
"Oh, there you are, Shirou-kun!" the bikini clad hot mama said, as she and her family came out of the totaled vehicle. Just be thankful she's no Rider.
"Caster! ILLYASVIEL VON EINZBERN!" Nero said.
"Hey, Shirou Onii-chan, Negi Otouto!" the bikini clad Illya said. "I got the authorization from the Committee after all!"
"Archer! KURO VON EINZBERN!" Nero said.
"AHHHHHHHHH!-!" Kakizaki Misa screamed.
"Student! Finally you join in the sensual ranks of the gorgeous Archers!" Kuro chirped. She waved at the stage. "Hey, Green Lantern-chan!"
"Assassin! EMIYA KIRITSUGU!" Nero said.
"... I'll make no comments, answer no questions," Kiritsugu said.
"Lancer! NAGI SPRINGFIELD!" Nero said.
"Father! I found you!" Negi cried.
"... who are you, sorry? You look familiar," Nagi said. "Oh, hey, Arika-chan!"
"... threesome?" Arika said.
"NOT WITH YOU, THOUGH!" Evangeline said.
"Magical Girl (x1)! MIYU EDELFELT!" Nero said.
"... I wasn't forgotten this time and relegated to a CE almost no one is likely to get without whaling! I, I, I'm so happy...!" Miyu sniffled at the bone thrown at her.
"Rider! QUEEN MEDB!" Nero said.
"Uh, huh, whuh, what? Muh, my turn already?" Medb said as Fergus gently prodded her to wake her up.
"Assassin! LI SHUWEN!" Nero said.
"Heh. I was one of the first in the doujin, and one of the last here... Funny how that works..." Li Shuwen said.
"EH? Passed over already?!" Medb cried.
"Brrrlllghhh blllrfff bfff bllfff uguuuu! Uhuuuuu!" Nero said.
"Doctor! I think Nero-san's reaching her limits!-!" Ritsuka said.
"Savior! BUDDHA!" Nero said.
"This is the natural order at work," Buddha sagely said.
"The foremost of stalkers shows off her elite stalking abilities!" Nero heroically went on while rubbing her sore, aching throat, which felt on fire by now. "Her raw reverence frightens all around her away! The maiden who has excessively devoted her life to love, who for some reason believes Praetor's name is Anchin! Of course KIYOHIME would appear!"
The attractive, light green-haired Berserker laughed goodnaturedly as she marched around in her black bikini, demurely waving her fan at the crowd. "Thank you, thank you, everyone! For your support, you all will be invited to my wedding with Anchin-sama... ALL BUT YOU, THAT IS!" she furiously whipped her head around to stare naginatas at Nero. "Why'd you leave me for last, you immoral tramp?!"
Nero, however, had briefly collapsed on her face on the sand. "Ugh, too much... My migraines... My migraines, they are killing me! Qualis artifex pereo!" she lamented, twitching erratically with a dryly cracking voice.
Kiyohime stared down at her with disdain before sighing and calling out for help. "Everyone...! Someone bring a doctor, I believe the Whore of Babylon is dying, and that would throw a shadow of ill omens over our flawless wedding... I suppose! Someone do something!"
We would like to make good use of this interlude to remind you: Never stand under the sun for too long without properly hydrating yourself, and always watch out for heatstrokes while in tropical climates!
Now we return you to your previously scheduled fanfic.
"And those are all of them!" Nero finished, visibly strained after that much effort but still running on a vital rush of raw adrenaline, smiling almost maniacally for her captive audience. "You have just witnessed the splendor History's finest in the mostly exposed flesh! Now it is time to decide who shall run a second place to the ultimate beauty and appeal... those of Nero, Ever Lasting Emperor of Rome, of course!"
"You?" Tamamo snarked, folding her arms. "Saber, I think I speak for everyone when I say you have jumped that gun long enough by now! It was cute at first, and you certainly were useful for once, for a while, but give it a rest already, will you? You might be a runner-up to me, since you've been the only one to ever give me some romantic competition, but it is clear you won't win as long as I'm around!"
Nero hissed at her. "If that were to be the case, I would have an easy solution for that dilemma! But you have seen how my subjects react to my confident showmanship, my steady direction through these ceremonies! There is no doubt I shall be chosen as the First Beauty of Chaldea, that has been clear even before we started!"
"Oh, go open a Nico-Nico account!" Liz snapped.
"Um, sorry, but we really, really need to pee, if someone could just point us towards a bathroom…" poor Jack said, squirming.
Nero smiled again and opened her arms for those in the stands, who were suddenly looking quite perplexed and confused. "Because, since we have no appointed panel of judges, you will be determining the winner through popular voting! A mere formality, naturally, since the whole time your honest feelings for your Emperor have never been in doubt, but-!"
"W-WAIT!" a man in the front seats yelled. "Do we really have to pick one?!"
"That is correct!" Nero nodded emphatically. "Your wait is finally over! This new invention called Democracy officially starts today, started by your always generous Nero, Patron of Social Arts and Development!"
"Who will be the one to seize glory?!" Roman shouted vehemently. "And who will be left in the dust, with their prides shattered, to lick their aching wounds and contemplate bloody, grievous retribution on the forces of Fate humbling them so cruelly-?!"
The audience, panicking in shocked silence at first, turned their heads to look at the Servants, the great heroes and larger than life mythical figures struggling to save History, in a whole new light. They realized the tense expectation in the faces of the Heroic Spirits as they waited for the voting procedure to begin. They saw the Joker grinning while toying intently with a huge and sharp knife of sawed blade.
Then the horrible screams started everywhere.
"They'll kill us all!-!"
"Women and children first!-!"
"Grand Caster!-! Let's summon the Grand Caster!-!"
"No!-! The Mage of the Beginning!-!"
"THE ANTI-MONITOR!-!"
"I'm playing Summoners War instead!"
The Servants only could stand and watch, open mouthed and impressed, as the attendants escaped en masse, stampeding madly towards the jungle, the boars running faster than everyone and quickly leaving humans, walking skeletons, and assorted other species behind. For once, the common man was giving the great heroes and villains pause and awe, as the powerful Heroic Spirits could do nothing but gawking at the sheer horror they had just inspired into those they had sworn to, or at the very least implicitly agreed to help to, protect.
And soon, the seats were all deserted, trampled over and destroyed, with a conveniently placed drift of salty breeze strongly blowing over them, dispersing discarded fanclub banners, flags, and used underwear in all directions. Minus the blood and dead bodies, it was like the scene of a great disaster, where minutes ago everything had been happiness and careless rejoice.
"… huh!" Caster Skuld scoffed. "Do we really come off as that scary to mortals?"
"Yeah, of course you do!" Kagurazaka yelled at them. "That's what I tried to tell you, you guys take these things way too seriously!"
Beowulf smirked, closing his eyes and slamming his large fists together. "Well then! Looks like there's only one way left to settle this matter, in that case!"
Saint Martha grinned, raising her fists as well. "Are you thinking of disrupting the peace of the beach, pagan? I'll let you know I won't let any punks ruin the sanctity of this fanservice scene!"
"No fighting! No fighting, you hear me!" Archer Lily tried to impose himself.
"Bring it on, freak dudes!" Kintoki laughed.
"I still can't see through my visor, what's going on?" Green Lancer said.
"Please, it doesn't even need to be a restroom, just everyone promise to keep Blackbeard from looking while we go to the corner," Jack begged.
Homura huffed, drawing her guns out. "I won't lose no matter the circumstances. Keep that in mind before crossing me..."
Kiyohime gave a very sad and long sigh. "Master... Please. Close your eyes for just a little while."
"K-Kiyohime?!" Ritsuka gasped. "Whatever you're thinking of doing, don't-!"
"I may not be able to come back from this, but this is a marriage hunt I can not afford to lose! FLAMESHIFT SAMADHI, FOUR-HEADED SERPENT!" the blue haired Berserker shouted, as her eyes first became narrow and serpentine, and then, suddenly, the air around her body exploded into the monstrous figure of a towering snake with four heads, which she promptly sicced on her rivals with a furious gesture.
"Oh ho ho ho!" Lancer Fujino laughed, summoning her own gigantic snakelike CHILD. "That will not be enough, I'm afraid, Hime-han! Come forth, Kiyohime!"
"That's my name, don't use it on that mindless beast anymore!-!-!" the humanoid Kiyohime screamed madly as her Noble Phantasm collided head-on with Shizuru's attack entity.
And all hell broke loose.
"POOLRYUKEN!"
"DON'T MAKE ME USE EXCALIBUR!"
"GO ON, I DARE YOU, FATHER!"
"SUCK GAS, EVILDOERS!"
"BERSERKER SMASH PUNY SERVANTS! BERSERKER STRONGEST SERVANT THERE IS!"
"NO! BERSERKER BORN ON A MONDAY! SMASH YOU ON A TUESDAY! BURY YOU IN A WEDNESDAY!"
"NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!"
"Please don't hurt me...!" Caster Scheherezade wailed.
As Green Lancer escorted Jack somewhere she could finally pee, havoc unraveled all around them and large sections of the beach exploded. Ritsuka trembled, rushing for the Grails in the vicious grip of primal fear. Tumbling to his knees in front of the Great Grail, he begged. "Please, Grail-kun!-! They're going to kill each other! And then they're going to kill ME! Then one of the Casters will revive me so they can kill me AGAIN! I don't want to die! People die when they're killed! Worse, my virginity will be a goner! I don't know why I cling to it so much, but still, I'm afraid! Please, Grail-kun, stop them, stop this stupid fight...!"
He wasn't expecting to get an actual answer. He was just panicking mindlessly, almost wetting himself, he who had stared into the face of the Grand Caster without flinching. And of course even he wouldn't be stupid enough as to expect actual help from a corrupt Grail. So he was more surprised than anyone else when he heard a tiny chuckle, and a softly spoken "I will grant your wish."
And then, a miracle happened! The Great Grail, which could alter anyone's Saint Graph, began to glow with a black light and hummed forebodingly, its eyes flashing, which surprised the Servants so much they all immediately stopped fighting. All but Beowulf, that is, who kept on punching people around left and right as if nothing had happened. The Grail finally stopped, let out a low and evil chuckle, and said naught but a few words.
"It's done."
The Servants looked at their Master, waiting for an explanation, but Fujimaru Ritsuka as they knew him was completely gone. In his place, now knelt a very beautiful girl of Fujimaru's own age, with orange hair much like Shirou's, but made into a single side tail, and wearing a version of Nero's bikini, even if she was nowhere as busty as the Roman Emperor of Red Roses. Most of the Servants had their jaws falling off their hinges, and even Beowulf finally paused, giving the girl a bewildered stare.
"Who is that?!" the slayer of Grendel demanded.
"I know what happened!" Da Vinci eagerly offered. "What an interesting turn of events! The Grail conceded Master's secret desire to have the fight over him stop... by changing him into a her!"
"No, wait, how does that make any darned sense, Da Vinci-sensei?!" Rider Ayaka cried. "What does one thing have to do with the other?!"
"My ways are many and all mysterious!" Grail-kun happily said.
"Blasphemer!" Saint Martha accused. "Everything you do and say is blasphemous!"
"2,000 years of copyright infringement!"
Ritsuka blinked.
"Master," Nightingale cautiously approached her. "Are you feeling well? Shall I ready the BBB-chain CPR treatment?"
Ritsuka blinked.
"Maybe I can heal youuuuuuuu!" Caster Konoka Konoe suggested, preparing her Noble Phantasm.
Ritsuka blinked.
"Perhaps this can help you... IN THE BUTT!" Caster Izumi Ako added, easily hefting her massive medical needle up.
"No, mine works better!" BB declared, holding up her own needle, and the two needle-rivals glared at each other.
Ritsuka blinked.
"How 'bout calling her Fujimaru Ritsuko now?" Berserker Kintoki asked. "That's a cuter name for a girl, if you ask me!"
Ritsuka blinked.
And then she chuckled between clenched teeth, lowering her face so it was obscured by the bangs of her hair.
"S-Sempai?!" Mashu swallowed hard. "Please answer, Sempai! We are a collection of history's most powerful and smartest people! There must be something we can do to help you!"
"Helping... me...?" Ritsuko said in a low, sinister tone, helping herself up to her feet, and irradiating such a strange even her most hardened Servants gave a step back. Or two. "There is no helping me, Mashu..."
"D-Don't say that!" Shielder, the only one who hadn't backed away, tried to put on a smile. "I'm sure we can work something out, don't be like that...!"
"But... I WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!" Ritsuko suddenly flung her arms around, with a starry, faraway look in her eyes. "I LOVE IT!-!-!-!-!"
"... ah?!" Mashu gasped.
"Multiple exclamation points!" Bathory said. "The sure sign of a deranged mind!"
Ritsuko began fondling herself as she spun in place, panting and drooling. "Ah! Ah! I don't care anymore! If you're all slutty, irresponsible troublemakers, I'll be the greatest sexually unhinged nut of you all, as befits your Master! This the call of Fate, and it feels SO GOOD!"
Gilgamesh huffed. "I doubt you ever will be half of the sexually unhinged irresponsible person I am, mongrel!"
"Don't say it as if it were something to be proud about!" Artoria roared.
"Kiyohime-chan, Tamamo-chan!" Ritsuko giggled, rushing to these Servants and holding a hand of each in hers, startling them both. "Now you don't need fighting anymore! I guess we should do some female bonding now, huh! Ahahahaha, too bad thouuuugh! We're girls so all we can do is holding hands!"
Tamamo smirked wickedly. "You still don't know a lot about girls, do you? That's okay, Master, I can teach you..."
"Sempai, no!" Mashu gasped. "Have you already forgotten about all the male Servants?!"
"La la la la la! I don't care anymore!" Ritsuko sang, happily dancing around and constantly shaking her cute butt. "I'm free now! I see the truth about myself! This is what I should've been all along!"
The stupefied Servants standing at the sidelines stared blankly at her, then at each other. Before long, they started sharing shrugs and subtle nods.
"Truth be told, I feel more comfortable with him this way…" Negi confessed.
"W-Well!-!-!-!-!-!-!" Kiyohime rasped uneasily, eyes drifting aside and cheeks blushing. "I would rather take a husband than a wife, but I fell in love with Anchin-sama's spirit, not his body…!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"
"I feel better about myself this way, too," Medusa nodded quietly.
"It's strange," Tamamo pondered, scratching her chin with a finger, "but it doesn't really feel like polygamy when it's just some female bonding!"
Kiyohime nodded, hiding her smirk behind her fan. "I suppose it doesn't matter when we're all wives, does it?"
"Hey, don't leave us men out of this equation, mongrel," Gilgamesh grumbled. "Not me, at least! No way the King of Uruk is not going to impregnate that now!"
Mashu flinched visibly while Ritsuko blinked and finally only said, "Please take me gently!"
Kiyohime laughed, quite derangedly, clearly broken from everything that had transpired. "Heeheehee...!-!-!-!-!-!-!" H-How unexpected! Did, did we end up reaching the Best Ending...?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?"
"It's not the Best Ending at all!" Mashu protested, tearing out. "We must use the Holy Grail again! If this keeps up, Sempai's going to...!"
Meanwhile, in a quiet and respectful silence, a single Servant made her fearful way to the still-shining Holy Grail. Mata Hari, after several moments of doubt, placed her delicate hands against the sides of the oozing cup and shyly made her wish while everybody else were too distracted to notice or care.
"Please," the weakest Assassin– no, Servant of all– asked, in a small and weak voice, "may I win the title of Most Beautiful of Chaldea? Mister Grail, Sir?"
Grail-kun hummed ominously for a moment, then trembled violently, drawing the attentions of several Servants and Ritsuko herself, all of whom stared wide-eyed at the scene, terrified by the possibilities. None dared to move a muscle until the Grail gave a last sudden twitch and vomited, at Mata Hari's feet, a large kitchen knife covered in dripping, thick purple fluid.
"Ah," Mata Hari sighed sadly, picking the black knife up. "I should have known. Now you'll tell me this is a Rival Elimination Set and I must kill all others to become the most beautiful..."
"Nah," Grail-kun said, "that was actually only a freebie. You are already the most beautiful, after all!"
Mata Hari's face lit up in sudden, unexpected and larger than life joy, as her heart felt a thrill and sense of fulfillment she had never experienced before. Other than while having really good sex. "Are... Are you serious...?!"
"Now, now, wait a second!" Tamamo began to protest. "That's not how it works, even if it's the Grail, it can't decide that on its own, we should-!"
Mata Hari turned her head slowly to give the fox a really murderous glare, while holding her new Rival and Jackal Elimination Set rather expertly. She was still an Assassin, after all. "Something to question about the decisions of Mister Grail, Miss Caster...?"
Tamamo blinked, thought it over, and then quickly shook her head. "On second thought, maybe not!"
"And that was how Mata Hari made up for being the weakest Servant ever by becoming the most beautiful of all, as well!" Da Vinci happily said as she spun around to face the cameras, waving at them with a hand. "Thank you for following us through this year's pulse pounding contest, everyone! Next year, watch out for 'Who's the Fastest in All History? Chaldea's Extreme Wacky Races!'"
"Da Vinci-san?!" Mashu cried.
The End!
Hatake Kakashi, in white sports sneakers, blue boxers, his mask and his headband, lazily walked in while Shirou, Jaguar Man, the Sakura sisters, Magical Girl (1 of 2) and Green Lancer quietly swept the wreckage of the event, everybody else long gone away by this point.
"Hmmmmm... hello?" the shinobi Assassin said. "I hope I'm not too early? I mean, sheesh, this place's a mess, you'd better work hard if you want it to be ready by the time of-"
Jaguar Man angrily slammed her broom down on his head.