Stupid in School
A Zack Oneshot

Okay, I really did just have to put this up. It's something from Brian Regan, but for some odd reason, I could see Zack doing it. So, I'm going to have Zack do a comedy skit about his days in the Academy, and just how coughdumbcough great he was! Please, no flames!

Disclaimer: I don't own Brian Regan, or his skits, or Zack, or any of the characters except Zack's instructor. See if you can pick out the joke with his name. If it helps, pronounce it out loud.

Zack: I don't know. I'd be a lot better off it I'd studied more when I was growin' up, you know? But you know, the day it all went wrong was the day they had the Shinra Spelling Bee…cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know? The day they started the spelling bee…

Deep Voice: Alright everyone, up against the wall. It's time for Public Humiliation.

Zack: Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends. Yeah, that's great for Cloud's ego.

Cloud: Hey, look at me I'm a moron! I wasn't even close! I was using numbers and stuff!

Zack: That's why I admired Genesis, who spelled his word wrong on purpose just so he could sit down. I mean, he knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for three hours? First round: Cat.

Genesis: Cat. K-A-T. I'm outta here.

Zack: Then as he passed me…

Genesis: Heh heh, I know there's two 'T's.

Zack: I remember my instructor asking me,

Instructor P. Nis: Zack, what' the "I before E Rule"?

Zack: (wide-eyed as he sinks in his seat) Uhm…uh…um… I before E…always?

P. Nis: What, are you an idiot, Zack?

Zack: Well, apparently. So he explains it.

P. Nis: No Zack, it's I before E, except after C, and when sounding like 'A' as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh,' and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong, no matter WHAT YOU SAY!

Zack: (even lower in his seat) That's a hard rule… That's a…that's a rough rule… Plurals were hard, too.

P. Nis: Zack, how do you make a word a plural?

Zack: (put on the spot again) Y-You put a S. Y-You put a S at the end of it.

P. Nis: When?

Zack: (nervous sigh) ………On weekends and holidays and…

P. Nis: (shakes head) No, Zack, let me show you.

Zack: Just so happened that Sephiroth was…I guess you could say, observing the class, and my instructor decided to ask him:

P. Nis: General, sir, what is the plural for 'ox'?

Sephiroth: (smirks) Oxen. The farmer used his oxen to plow the fields.

P. Nis: (back to Zack)(that rhymes, LOL) Zack?

Zack: What? (nervously)

P. Nis: Zack, what is the plural for 'box'?

Zack: (perfectly straight face and monotone voice) Boxen. I bought two boxen of doughnuts.

P. Nis: No, Zack, no. Let's try another one. (to Sephiroth) General, sir, what is the plural for 'goose'?

Sephiroth: Geese. I saw a flock… (trails off, staring at Zack with a mocking look in his eyes as Zack sinks even lower in his seat) …of geese.

P. Nis: Zack?

Zack: What? (still nervously)

P. Nis: Zack, what is the plural for MOOSE?

Zack: (slowly stands, then yells) MOOSEN!! I SAW A FLOCK OF MOOSEN!! THERE WERE MANY OF THEM!! MANY MUCH MOOSEN! OUT IN THE WOODS, IN THE WOODES, IN THE WOODSEN!! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD, FOOD IS TO EATNESN!! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD IN THE WOODENESN…AND THE FOOD IN THE WOODENESN!

P. Nis: Zack, Zack! (Zack looks at him) You're an imbecile.

Zack: (pauses, then shoots his fist into the air) IMBECILEN!

P. Nis: What, are you speaking German, Zack?

Zack: German, GERMAIN! Germain, germain, JACKSON!! JACKSON VON TITO!!

P. Nis: Zack, what the hell are you talking about?

Zack: I dunno. (scratches head) I dunno really. … I think the worst day of them all was the day the Science Fair Project was due. Waking up that morning, that was fun, huh? Yeah. Your head'd pop off your pillow… (light voice, big, Bambi eyes) Oh no… It's due today. I had nine months to work on it, and did nothing. … I have a cardboard box. (smiles) A boxen. … So, you'd show up, you're scared, cause you don't have anything good, and then, you find out: All the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that, you know? They're backing them in on flatbed trucks… One kid with a volcano, doesn't know when to stop saying 'yo,' yet he built a volcano. …Geez, Reno, how'd you swing that? (shakes head) I didn't know what to do for my project, so I just brought in a paper cup, filled with dirt…hoping Seph would know I was an idiot and just walk right on by. But since I was holding something…

Sephiroth: (looks over and grins) Well, what do you have there, Zack?

Zack: (bows head) It's a cup of dirt. Just put an 'F' on there and let me go home. (holds it out to Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: Well, explain it.

Zack: (looks up, a perpetually sad look on his face) Well, it's a cup… (points to cup) with dirt in it. (points to the dirt inside) I call it: Cup of Dirt. … You should just move on now, should just…head on down the line there. So, he goes to this kid-I remember there was this one kid in my class who kept making the same solar system like what…19 years in a row? A bunch of styrofoam ball held together with coat hangers. Yeah, you're breaking some new ground there, Copernicus. He's goin:

Kid: The big yellow one's the sun! The yellow one is the sun!

Sephiroth: Okay, what are these other planets?

Kid: The big yellow one is the sun!

Sephiroth: All right, calm down-

Kid: The one-

Sephiroth: ALL RIGHT!!

--

On another note, I have nothing against Genesis. I just like picturing him as an idiot, and not as a cool guy. Ya know? R&R please, and tell me if I should never do this thing again.