A/N: Hey guys.. i removed the other Invisible mask and replaced it with this one.. i hope you don't mind. but i promise you, i finished this and its got an ending.. and excuse the errors if there's any.
please R&R.. :)
I don't know when these feelings started to blossom. Or when my heart did begin to flutter every time you're with me. The smile that seems to make my heart throb, and for some reason I wanted that all to myself. Was I really this selfish before? I never wanted anything this much. I want to be the reason why you're smiling, the explanation behind your tears and the only one to make you happy. Everything. Yet I'll say it again… Am I?... really this selfish? Should I be selfish?
You looked at me as if pleading for me to stop all of this. What do you want me to say? Tell you to tell him no and choose me? As if that'll solve everything. I noticed my half brother looking at me with a gaze that relayed a message that I was too late. I looked away from you and stared at the floor instead, waiting for your reply.
"Yes." I heard you say. I can almost hear the shattering sound of my beating heart as I heard your answer and the shouts of joy coming from kohaku and the others. Why would they be so happy about it? Their cheerful giggles and laughter only seems to make it worse. My stomach coiling at the sudden emptiness I felt. I probably looked the same on the outside; Stoic expression written all over my face. Unaffected by the fact that I just lost you to another man. No one knew about the knife stabbing my chest repeatedly or the wave of regret suffocating me, except for my half brother who keeps glancing at me with sympathetic look. Minutes passed and I stood up then walked away. Not giving you an explanation for my sudden departure. And I couldn't tell you why even if you asked.
Weakened from everything that happened I sucked in the cold breeze hoping it will dull the pain somehow. Inuyasha's words began to ring loudly through my mind. I know from the beginning that it will come to this. One way or the other. Clenching my fists as the thought dawned me. For many times he told me and warned me. Its either I tell her and risk knowing her answer or just keep wearing the 'friend facade' and hide my hidden affections and lose her to someone else. Scoffing at my stupidity I let out a weak grin. Just because I was so afraid of hearing your answer I end up losing you to someone else.
Weeks passed and nothing changed. Except the fact that I lost my chance. Though you and him already became couples it only made little changes to both of us. You still wait for me during lunch breaks and our walk home together sessions remained the same. Nothing has changed. Nothing. Or that's what I want to believe. Every conversation we have, your lips seemed to be always full of him. You tell me how great he is. The awkwardness he feels whenever he asks to give you a kiss on the cheeks. I would just listen and smile. Not taking my mask off. Your eyes that shine brightly whenever you talked about him, I want to protect it. Even though that means tenfold of pain inflicted at my direction. I stare at your lips plastered with a smile as you continue on. I planned to be the one to make you smile like that. Yet here you are, your smile giving me bittersweet feeling….just because I am not the reason for it.
So I ask again. ..
Am I really that selfish?
Should I feel selfish?
I don't know when did it started or how. I just stopped talking to you. I distanced myself. Maybe this was the only way I know to stop myself from hurting. Believing, if I can't see you or talk to you the pain won't visit me. I didn't reply to your emails or answered your calls. I completely shut you out of my life. But my plan only backfired. There wasn't a day that I don't miss you or long talk to you again. I become miserable; I thought it won't be painful but it only tripled, crippling me over and over. And the thought of you being happy without me is unbearable. It's selfish I know. I don't even have the right to feel that way.
Months have passed and I managed to survive. I drowned myself to everything I can get my hands on. I kept myself busy not wanting a slim chance that my thoughts would drift back to you or else the things I've built till now would crumble. And today you're gonna get married.
My half brother kept reminding me that this would happen one day and that if I really love you I would sweep you off your feet; boyfriend or no boyfriend. I don't know why but I never did. Maybe I was scared. Scared, of what you're gonna say. Scared of the word rejection. But now I think about it, what do I really have to lose?
She then would be aware of my feelings, and she would know about the other option and maybe things would have turned out different, it would be she'll saying 'I love you' to and the one she'll be starting a future with. But no, I gave in to this thing called fear and now I'm paying the price for it.
Inuyasha told me repeatedly to forget about her and move on and that she's only just a girl, there are a lot of other fish out there on the sea. But I don't want another girl….or fish. I want her. I want Rin. She' s more amazing than the other girls out there. She could be really sweet and nice but you'll be surprise when you meet her fiery temper. I'd had met her not long ago but in no time we became inseparable. Everyone told us that we'd make a perfect couple but back then we'd just look at each other and snort at that idea. We never took the next step or crossed the boundaries but what an idiot I was. As she grew older she become even more beautiful and I know that it would only be a matter before boys would be lining up to catch her attention.
And one day it just happened. I become confused over my feelings toward her and when I finally realised and accepted them, it was too late. She had met kohaku, the guy in the big picture. I've never seen her so happy. And I was just her stupid friend, doomed to an eternity of only ever being the one to listen how great Kohaku is.
I received a wedding invitation. I didn't open it before it found its way to the trash bin. I knew her handwriting and I don't want to open it and find how happy she is, as selfish as it is. How could she be happy without me while I'm being miserable without her.
Ugh! I'm sorry, Rin. I can't be happy for you. Or cheer for your happiness. I hope it doesn't go well. The worst thing to wish for someone. Here I am cheering you like this with this terrible personality of mine. Being jealous, continuing to struggle, it just won't let me be at ease. I want to have you for myself. I want you to be with me and no one else.
A soft knock from the door released me from my thoughts.
"Seshumaru, you coming? I know you're still sulking but she would really appreciate it…you being there. You're her best friend."
I didn't reply. I won't fall to that bait. And after a long silence I thought he'd leave. Why would I go? Just so I can torment myself even more for the fun of it? it would pierce me to see her in a wedding dress and watch her say 'I do' to someone that wasn't me. Just then I heard the door crack open and Inuyasha came in. He said nothing as he crossed the room to my bed. I looked at him with a bored expression and waited to what he's about to say that I've heard for about a thousand times. He is obviously going since he had his suit on.
"It's not really too late you know." my eyes shot open. He never said anything like that before. Why say that now? On her wedding day.
He was looking down at me with his own bored expression. As if completely bored by this whole charade.
"Yeah she's engaged, but that doesn't mean you've really lost. You've only really really lost when she'd said 'I do'. Well, whatever. See you later, idiot. And when I come back I better not find you still sulking."
No one ever told me that before.
No one ever told me that I could still sweep her off her feet.
"Screw this. I'm going to that wedding." I may have not been able to say anything before but I wasn't about to just let go and watch her get taken again.
When I got there the church was swarming with people. Just how many people did she invite? Shit! I should've checked what time the ceremony's gonna start. No time for self loathing. I got to find the bride. I didn't care who I was upsetting as I pushed my way through the door. It was huge. The building was huge though it looked smaller from the outside. I could see Inuyasha already on his seat and when we made eye contact he smirked and pointed left. Looking at that direction I saw a long corridor, I gave him a brief nod as a thank you before quickly walking in that direction.
As I walk down the white corridor, which a few minutes from now she'll be walking down, it became quieter and quieter. Then my ears caught a sound of giggles from a room. That must be Rin. After pressing my ears to a couples of door to locate the source of the sound I finally found the door I was looking for. Taking a deep breath, I braced myself as I opened the door. And as the sight unfolded in front of me, I gasped at the sight I could hardly breathe. Rin was sitting there, hair tied in a bun with a few lose curls hanging down around her face. A light make up and a pure white dress. She looked so beautiful and it struck me. I was making the right choice. I wanted her. Why didn't I do this sooner?
Her eyes looked up in the mirror and in the mirror she saw my reflection. Her eyes quickly lit up. My eyes skipped a beat in hope, she looked so happy to see me. I took that as a good sign.
"Seshumaru, I thought you weren't coming!" She got up from her chair and she practically ran towards me and locked me in a tight hug. I hugged her back. Oh she felt so right in my arms. I breathed in her scent, god I missed her. When she let go, she turned around and told the bridesmaids to give me a minute.
When the last girl finally left the room, she turned to me and her smile dropped. She looked sad?
"Seshy, where have you been? I haven't seen you or heard from you for months, heck no one has."
I looked down at her. What am I supposed to say to that? My mouth opened and closed and strangely I felt like a fish. I couldn't find the right words to say to her. Damn it! I'm starting to back out. Each time I open and close my mouth I could tell that her patience is slipping, her brows started to rise and her foot started to tap against the wooden floor. Oh shit! I better say something. Fast. Before she lose her patience all together.
"I love you."
I'm pretty sure at the same time both our face dropped. I couldn't believe I said that and I can she couldn't either. It was her turn for her lips to open and close like a fish while I stood there looking like a shocked idiot.
She blinked back a few times as if she just got into a shock herself, "W-what did you just say?" she still looked stunned, almost as if she couldn't believe it. I don't blame her though I too can't believe that I came out with that. Am i really this idiotic?. Don't answer that. i know. I'm the biggest idiot there is.
This time I made used of my brain and actually thought before I decided to blurt out something again.
Taking a deep breath I spoke.
Here goes.
"Rin. I love you. For the longest time. I'm sorry I haven't told you this before since I was too scared to say anything but maybe if I've said something before things wouldn't turn out this way."
If they could, her brows would've blown straight from her forehead. Relying on the little confidence I tried to muster, I started again.
"You shouldn't marry Kohaku, you're making a huge mistake. I could see the look on your face when he asked you. You looked confused and you felt pressured. It was wrong for him to ask you in front of everyone. You don't love him, I'm almost sure of it. I love you; I want you to pick me. Please, tell me you love me the same way I do and that you won't marry him."
After my speech I have no idea what to expect but not in my wildest dreams have I expected this.
Her face turned red, oh no. YIKES!
"WHAT! Are you actually being serious? You decided to tell me this on my WEDDING day?! Seshumaru, he asked me months ago, what the hell were you doing in those months that were so important that you couldn't even spare a five minutes to, oh I don't know, tell me this?!"
She was breathing really hard after she finished and dropped herself to the chair she was sitting before I came and made this mess.
"I was being stubborn and an idiot. I didn't talk to anyone. Couldn't talk to anyone. Except to Inuyasha and that was only when I had to. I even went a week without sleep or eating." Her eyes widened at my last statement. "And now seeing you again after a long time I feel….somehow alive and I really missed you and I regret not telling you this sooner. I was so stupid back then. When I realised my feelings for you it was too late and you were already with Kohaku. Even after that I still didn't do anything….I was an idiot. I guess I was scared that of hearing your say. I want you to be with me, to love me." I looked back at her for a moment to check her expression, she wasn't looking at me. I then finished the question. The question I was dreading to ask, afraid of what her answer would be, "Do you love me in that same way too?"
I heard her sharp intake of breath but no reply. The atmosphere become awkward and tense as I waited for her answer, each second that passed felt like hours. When she said nothing I felt my shoulder sag and that empty hole dig itself back into me. Just as I was about to walk out the door I said one last sentence, "I see… I'll leave you alone then.. I hope you're happy with him."
And that was it. She didn't love me. I walked out of the church, I have my head down and I'm pretty sure Inuyasha's eyes are on me but I didn't bother to look up and look for him….I might find Kohaku in the crowd and that's the last thing I need right now.
When I got in, I didn't even make it to my room. I collapsed on the sofa, my head smothered in one of the pillows so I could see nothing. I felt like screaming. Like ripping my hair out and slowly disappearing into nothingness. I don't care if Inuyasha comes home and find me sulking again. Maybe if he's in my situation and Kagome tells him she doesn't love him he'd feel the same. I quickly scolded myself after that thought, it wasn't his fault that the only girl I love didn't love me so I shouldn't take it out on him. I don't know how long I laid there. It could've been hours or days still I wouldn't have cared. I lost. She didn't want me. That's the thought that stung the most; she didn't want me.
I heard the door open and slam close, great Inuyasha's coming back - time to listen to one of his lectures again. I heard him come and stand behind the sofa….except he just stood there, quietly? I sighed, maybe he was waiting for me to say anything, well he can wait all he likes I'm not saying anything. Minutes passed and I didn't hear him say anything. That's odd. Usually he'll walk off by now. Fine! I'll give him what I want. I'll say something. I'll give him a piece of my mind. I rolled off the sofa and get up to face him and when I was about to shout at him my mouth closed instantly….
Standing there was a girl. No….a woman. Dressed in white and chocolate colored hair that now flowed down her back. Rin. She was smiling softly at me and giggled….probably at my expression. I don't need a mirror to show me what I look like right now. My eyes felt huge and my mouth hung open, the only logical reason it wasn't on the floor was because it s attached to my head.
"R-R-Rin, what are you doing here? The wedding. Kohaku…" I was gobsmacked. She's here standing in my living room looking so amazing and I was just standing here like a blabbering little boy.
Rin giggled some more and tilted her head sideways, "I love you." that was the only explanation she offered me but I couldn't care less.
It's the only explanation I needed. Lunged towards the sofa, landing the both of us on the hard floor.
The girl that I thought that I've lost found her way back to me.
The theory I have in my head was nothing but a theory. Since she loves me too.
She wants me.
This is not the end of my happiness.
Its only the beginning.
And I'm not letting anyone take her away from me again.
A/FN: phew!...i hope that satisfied you. thanks for reading. please don't forget to review. would be glad to know what you think. :)