I'm on that good kush and alcohol
I got some down bitches I can call
I don't know what I would do without y'all
Imma ball 'til the day I fall...
Nicky swung her arms and hips to the music, her smile lightning up the room, unruly hair bouncing in the clubs colored light fixture. All of the ink she had was displayed in her short blue dress. She felt great, her high still going strong from the heroin she shot up about a half hour ago and from the joint she'd smoked about twenty minutes ago. Everything was a blur. Life was a bit of a struggle, but in the end, the only important thing was your own happiness, and your ability to facilitate it. She didn't know that was the last of her freed life. She knew she was going to prison in a couple of days. 72 hours actually. The thought just made her dance harder, grinding into some stranger and then twirl off into her delusion once again.
And you don't really wanna fuck, with me
Only nigga that I trust, is me
Fuck around and make me bust, this heat
That's, the devil, they always wanna dance
Her first day in prison was... Interesting. She didn't have any apparent friends right away. She did however have, within her first year in Litchfield Penitentiary facility, a mother a sister and some friends. There was a small French black girl named Poussey, who was the nicest girl she'd ever met. There was Vause, real sweetheart that one. Nicky chuckled. Her routine was simple, and in no time at all, prison turned into the only thing she knew. It turned into her home. It felt far friendlier and safer than her home with Marka ever did.
Today would be the anniversary of her third year in Litchfield. Two more years to go. The thought didn't excite her or scare her. It actually made her feel nothing. Not remorse or pain. Sure she'd miss certain people, but she'd be alright. Jut two more years.
I opened my eyes, rubbing the sand out of them and then springing up like a tulip in the spring at the reminder that fresh blood was coming today. I walked over to the dorms, hearing my boots click on the rubbery floors as I approached the bunks. There was nothing too out of the ordinary here, yet somehow, I could feel my heart drop at the sight of one of them. It wasn't like I'd never seen a hotter girl in my life, but this girl was jaw droppingly beautiful. Her hair ran down to her shoulders in loose curls, framing her face. Her red lips were perfectly outlined and her face was innocent but knowing. I walked towards her. There was something about her...
" Hey kid, what's your name?" The girl made a hand gesture questioning if I was talking to her. I felt my head going up and down as I nodded. " Yeah you kid." I could tell that my scratchy voice was getting to her, by the blush on her cheeks, and the sharp gasp. " Lorna," the girl had a Brooklyn accent and I felt my heart drop. " Lorna Morello."
I nodded again. " Well Lorna," I smiled " I sure hope we can be friends." I winked at her and then turned on my heel.
Nicky and Lorna had been friends, in the last couple of weeks, forming a special bond. Hell they even called each other by their first names sometimes. They didn't know it was going to happen, but one day, as they were walking along the side of the garden, behind the shed, shielded from the view of other inmates, Nicky decided she couldn't help it anymore. She was falling for the girl with the adorable accent, and the fiancé delusion and the curly brown hair and the red lips. The innocent seeming girl who had captured her heart, ran a mail scam and who knows what else had her wrapped around her finger.
" Hey Lorna?" Nicky had timidly asked. Lorna had looked surprised at the vulnerability in her voice. " Yes Nichols?" She sighed, and went for it. She put one of her hands on Lorna's cheeks and kissed her. It was intense and it was nothing like what Lorna had felt with boys before. It was soft and beautiful, and it made her want, a different connection. protruding nipples in the palms of her hands. Lorna furrowed her brow. She had never done this with another woman before, and the thought still scared the hell out of her, but if there any place to start, it seemed like here was ok.
-/-:/:/-
" wow."
" Right back at you kid." Nicky kissed her temple and then pulled her closer.
So Nicky now only had a year and a half of time here at Litchfield. So when the new girl Piper came to Litchfield, and Lorna had been guilted, she didn't know what to do.
" Nick I can't do this anymore."
Everything went silent. Lorna was leaving her. Just like her mother. Just like her friends. Lorna was leaving her. She hated being weak. Nicky was a sharp witted girl with tough roots and quick wit. She really only gave a fuck about the important parts of life. And to her; Lorna was an important part of life. But she guessed Lorna didn't feel the same way. Lorna could have interpreted the look Nicky had given her, while her soft hand sat on the other girls face. But thinking about it hurt so much. So she didn't, and she hoped she wouldn't regret this.
Nicky remembered bringing the poster to Alex to see what she thought.
" I don't know if she'll appreciate the groom."
" Its a joke..."
" Is it?"
Fuck. She couldn't deny the little part of her that wanted to spend the rest of her life with the girl, but they were done. So that's all it was; a joke. That's all anything ever was anymore. Everything just felt like mockery. Including the girl she loved.
" Hey Vause,?" She looked at me. She was beautiful. She was a lesbian. She was broken. She was like me. Maybe.
" I think I know what I want for Christmas."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah..."
She wanted somebody to love. Alex was there. Morello was not. It's easy math. As they say there Nicky grinned. Vause was her bestie of sorts, even though the word made her want to throw the fuck up. Whatever. The important thing? Well that was gaining her power back. And why not choose a beautiful noirette to consummate your goals with?
-/-/
Christopher had come today. And he had to announce to the whole prison that she was insane. Really Lorna could give a shit about the rest of the inmates. Her particular embarrassment stemmed from Nicky, watching her from the visitation window, her eyes sad as she realized who it was. Then alarmed as the scene unfolded.
She had been shocked when Nicky had come out to find her. She had followed her. But why? It wasn't like they were sleeping together anymore. It wasn't like anyone had given Nicky a valid reason to care. She just did.
" No,... no.", a sad voice echoed no one's gonna love me"
" I do."
Lorna's breath hitches at the way Nicky's voice had cracked as she said those simple words that carried so much meaning behind them. Maybe it was a mistake. Too bad she couldn't fix it. They were done. She knew nothing could change that. So instead of going for her lips, Nicky pulled her close, into a half hug. Sending what love and comfort she could.
Maybe sadness was good sometimes. Maybe it taught you the value of happy.
/::/
" Nicky what's going on?"
" I need to talk to her. I NEED TO TALK TO HER! IM HER MOTHER GODDAMN IT!"
Red put her hands on both of her cheeks, looking into her eyes, while Lorna stood in panic.
" What happened? I thought you were doing okay!"
She shook her head, a line tear streaming down her face in fear.
" Well I'm a fuckup..."
She looks at her mother. Her real mother. The one who she actually loved. " You know you could have come to me if you were struggling. So why didn't you?"
She dosent know it's because of Lorna. Because she didn't love her. She didn't need her. Drugs were her best girlfreind. They stayed with her through thick and thin. It wasn't like she was going to do them. She just needed a kick, and not the kind she was getting in the ribs from every girl she's loved. She couldn't get it anywhere else. She needed to numb the pain. To paste together she shattered faith. She didn't want to appear weak or to appear fabricated. She didn't want help. She wanted to fix it on her own. She wanted to make herself happy. She wanted the Brooklyn girl. She wanted strength, and willpower and a good moral perspective. Maybe heroin was second best.
She already knew. But she wouldn't verbally acknowledge the the fire in the theater because isn't it true that every time you create a panic everyone seems to go after you?
" Because it's not what I do ok?" Nicky sighed, as another tear dripped down her face smudging her eye makeup.
She turned back so as to look at her family.
" I love you." Her voice was broken. She didn't know who she was talking to she just wanted someone to hear it. Maybe to know that she still had a heart.
" I love you too." Lorna sobbed out as she watched Nicky be escorted down the grey passage.
Nicky wanted to freeze. Run back to her mother or Lorna. And like a muscle she accidentally clung onto that phrase as it was the rock that kept her from being swept away with the tide, or ripped and eaten. She wanted to lay down, grab the walls. She was afraid. For the first time in her life, she looked at her fear as validated and logically and fairly affiliated with the likes of herself. She walked out to the van, her tears halting as she took deep breaths. She was going down.
" Hey Nichols." She hears Pennsatuckey
chirp. " You wanted out.., you're gettin out."
She doesn't want speak but she does in a calm clear voice, painted by her deep rasp. " How about that."
" Hey look on the bright side," she raises her eyebrows and glances at Nicky through the head mirror. " Can't get any shittier."
" I don't know about that Penn, ... I'm very resourceful."
" Well. Yknow. You say bye to all of your people?"
" What people?"
" All the dykes and your mom.." She rambles in a serous tone.
" Reds not my mom." She takes a deep breath. If she wanted to make it she had to let Red go. Red was better off without her. All she did to the woman was make her life more difficult.
" I wouldn't wish that on her." Her expression hardened.
" I wouldn't wish that on anyone." No one deserves that. She thinks to herself.
The rest of the ride is in silence, and it feels like only seconds before she is admitted into the scary building, with high barbed wire, and worse criminals. Which she supposed, she was now. She finally thinks of herself as a criminal. More than just a misguided delinquent. She'd skipped too many detentions to have discipline. Marka would be proud.
Max wasn't a joke as it turned out. It was fucking terrifying. Her roommates picked up the vibes she put down and she had ended up in medical twice. One of her roommates; was a fucking schizophrenic it seemed. Another a rapist- oh but don't worry they didn't like fucking homos apparently. Another a murderer and the last was so silent that her attention zapped souls like a fuse box . There wasn't a moment she was engaged and she clung onto everything she could- which wasn't a lot seeing as she'd lost her fingerprints and her individuality from too many rough surfaces . She now had some interesting records, the initials LM carved into her arm with a jagged rock and, a tattoo she'd done herself somehow. Its real in a cursive script " I love you too."
There were cut marks all up her forearms and wrists, marring her soft skin in an ugly red and a tormenting blue.
She cried out sometimes in her sleep. For her mother, for Lorna. For her old home. And she was mercilessly targeted for it. Just for loving somebody. All she knew was that she was tired and she was pretty close to offing herself.
She always dreamed of Lorna.
Of them holding hands and walking down the street with a little dog. Of them doing whatever. Maybe she would learn to shut the fuck up someday.
" Inmate. Let's go were taking you back up the hill."
Nicky's jaw dropped. She followed closely behind.
The second she got back to Litchfield, her mask was back up. She was laughing and cracking jokes and being very gay again.
" Too bad your favorite one is off the market.."
Nicky felt her ears start to ring.
" You mean it's true?" She laughed trying to appear unaffected by the news. Why happened to ' I love you too?' Maybe she just wasn't worth it. She shrugged it off but couldn't ignore what felt like a bear shredding her intestines.
" Come dance with me," Lorna chimed pulling Nicky toward her.
" Just give me a miniue kid.."
She walked towards Luschecks office, walking out with a more damaged ego and some pot. She sat down behind down trees and began to smoke it when suddenly a figure popped up behind her. It was Morello.
" Hey kid..." She sadly sighed.
" I thought you were supossed to be done with all of the smoking and everything."
Nicky shrugged. It was silent for a long time as Lorna settled next to her.
" Nick why have you been shuttin me out?"
Nicky swallowed, turning it into a gulp. She rubbed her face with her scratched arms. One of witch Lorna noticed and grabbed.
She examined all of the scraped up and down the forearm, contrasting to the skin and answering her question. There in black ink; so permanent , so bold were the words needled into her skin " I love you too"
" What happened to I love you Lorna?" She sounded broken as she walked away.
"Attorneys wanna collect every dime you have. They want you to lose your mind every time you mad. So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon."
" You happy cause it's ruined?!"
" Man of course not." Nicky wanted to cry.
" listen in just a junkie addict liar eh?"
Lorna looked like she regretted it. But it didn't matter. It was true.
They met that night. To talk. To fix the mess they had created.
" Do you hate me?"
" No I don't hate you. I still don't hate you."
Lorna couldn't believe it.
Maybe her and Nichols were meant to be after all. Even after all of this, Nicky didn't hate her. Maybe she didn't even hate herself?