A/N: So. I'm not back. I'm just posting this thing I wrote a while back. It's stupid humor again, and about only half of it makes sense. Perhaps. So, on that note... enjoy!
I do not own FMA, HP, or Pottermore. (Do you know what would be an amazing crossover? Like those self-inserts, where the OC has watched/read the series, except that the OC is actually Ed or Al who's read Harry Potter before going inverse...)
The Pottermore Quiz – Which Damned Wand?
Ed stared blithely at the screen. He had registered for the damn site, acquiesced to the ridiculous name of something to do with walnuts and nimbuses, figured out how the heck this whole "email verification" thing worked, and now he got this?
"Damn it, I'm not short," he muttered under his breath vehemently, but still the mouse didn't move to click the option that he would have picked in his younger years without hesitation. Now though, the cursor hovered over the other dreaded option – honesty.
Who the heck was honest with online quizzes anyway?
Still, the words on the page taunted him. "To ensure we find the perfect wand for you, it's very important that you answer the following questions honestly..."
"Argh!" His hands flew up in frustration. "This is stupid!" He moved to x out the browser, but then paused.
All that work wasted...
He hesitated, and now the cursor was over the other option, a mix and truth and lies. He could be considered average height for his age, right? He was just of a perfectly normal...
He gulped, closed his eyes, nudged the mouth to the left and clicked. Where the "short for your age" option would lie.
God damn honesty.
When his eyes opened once more however, he found – much to his great surprise – that the screen had not exploded, the world had not ended, and the next question was now open on the screen.
Ironically enough, it was about eye color.
He scanned the options. Dark brown/Black, Brown, Hazel...
No gold. There was the atrocious "other" option, but no one really ever picked that.
Just like no one's ever actually honest with online quizzes? He pushed the thought away, sighed, and reluctantly did indeed click the "other" button and move on. He briefly wondered why this quiz was focusing so much on physical appearance rather than the – well, for the lack of a better term – soul, but quickly dismissed it because no one really cares about these online quizzes anyway.
Only to stare blankly at the next question.
"Was the day on which you were born...
– an odd number
– an even number"
He quickly clicked a button, eager to get it over with. (Since the author does not actually know the answer to this strange and mysterious question.)
The next question, finally, went on to the matters of the soul. Which attribute indeed, did he pride himself on?
Well, that was easy. He clicked determination.
Next question. "Travelling alone down a deserted road, you reach a crossroads. Do you continue...
– Left towards the sea
– Ahead towards the forest
– Right towards the castle"
This time, Ed actually groaned. What kind of mystic mumbo jumbo was this? Any answer could mean anything. He chose the last one, because it obviously didn't matter anyway.
Then, came the Question. He pursued his lips, feeling a sour taste rising.
What did he fear? Darkness, fire, heights, small spaces, isolation...
None of the above. There were many things that terrified him – namely a serial killer chasing him with a butcher's knife, or worse, losing Al – but that did not include this small list of things.
So for a more metaphorical twist onto the question, he chose fire.
His mood further soured at the next question.
"In a chest of magical artefacts, which would you choose..." He was just about to click "The Dusty Bottle" (might be a good weapon) for the heck of it when –
The computer crashed. Blue Screen of Death. Such a shame.
(And it had been the last question too.)
And that dues ex machina ending was the savior for me (and only me) because I am selfish and lazy and did not want to actually make a new account and find out what wand Ed would get based off of this quiz.
Morale of the story:
Don't vote for Trump.