Title: Your
Memory Is My Refuge
Author: Master
Yo-Gurt
Archive:
M&A, my archive at http://www.ravenswing.com/YoGurt,
others please ask!
Pairing: Qui/Mace, POV
Category: POV (Qui-Gon)
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers:
none
Summary: It's
the morning before the path of two lovers will divert drastically
DISCLAIMER:
George created the Jedi, but he certainly didn't *do* much with them. My
attempt to remedy his shortcomings will earn me not a cent.
Feedback: By all
means, please on-list or off at quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com
Notes: Many
thanks go to Jacynthe and Emila-Wan for an excellent beta, and to all of you
whom I have bugged about this with my questions on AIM. The song that so
perfectly fits in here is by Stephen Sondheim.
Part 1: *Qui-Gon*
Our last
night before you'll follow your calling…
Stilling my
thoughts I awake to a gentle breeze that blows through our room, rustling the
curtains as if the Force itself played its hands through it. It's a very
soothing sound, like the chime from the East Bell Towers, and with the
splashing rain on the balcony it brings a subtle peace to my heart. You're
lying next to me, on your stomach and half asleep, your legs entangled in the
sheets that have long been pushed aside by our romp, and I sit against the head
of the bed, admiring your still form.
The first
rays of a new day bathe us in their hard, brilliant light so typical for a
Coruscant morning. I love to watch as the light dances over your face, throwing
shadows that accentuate your sleepy features as you doze next to me in the bed
we share. We are alone here, in our own little world, away even from our
apprentices who still slumber in their wing of the Temple. It is our refuge,
far away from prying eyes and too-inquisitive Padawans, not to mention our
fellow Masters.
The Brya
flowers adorning the window of our small hideaway are in bloom right now. Their
fragrance soaks into everything -- the sheets, my hair, and your soft skin.
I love how
you taste right now. The combination of salt of your skin and sweetness of the
Brya make for a very alluring sensation on my tongue as I reverently kiss your
back.
We made
love all night, like the young bucks we once were. I fleetingly see us again,
in that garden, testing the depth of our passion for the first time more than
ten years ago… Like then, we tested each other tonight. So busy we were -- as
if this was the last time for us, love-struck
fools that we are.
No -- you
are no fool. They don't call fools to serve on the Council. I bend down to kiss
your back again while you sleep off the effects of our latest bout of making
love. We have been insatiable, haven't we? Always such a good team, giving and
taking to pleasure each other out of our senses. I'm still tingling from being
filled by you …
My fingers
gently trace your spine; your muscles twitch almost imperceptively at my touch.
You have been ticklish for as long as I've known you: when we were Padawans,
after we became Masters -- and since we became lovers all those years ago. The
orange Brya petals that have blown in from the courtyard to settle on your
sweaty skin make a striking contrast on your dark, glistening back. Their
effect on you is lovely, but I prefer to admire your beauty unembellished, so I
lightly brush them off. No need for adornments on you, not even those provided
by nature.
You are
mine, and I will have you as you are -- marked only by my passion, and love!
Yes, my
love, don't play coy with me, I know you can sense my thoughts. And from the
subtle shifts of your head I know that you smile into your pillow. I am
intimately familiar with your every move, and that might be our undoing. But
for the moment I push away that thought to concentrate on the here and now.
"More, Qui,
please …. Hmmmm," you sigh as I bend down once more to savour your salty-sweet
skin, and suddenly I am struck with fear, that *this* is it for us! No more
times like these with you. I know better, of course we will have many more nights
as lovers, sharing our passion. My hands tremble and I know you can feel my
grief, my fear. I feel the tiny hairs on your skin rise in response when my
touch becomes hesitant, unsteady.
"This is
our last night together, as equals … ?" I say hesitantly, wanting to say more
-- why is it so hard? --, and I take a deep breath as my fingers reluctantly
leave you.
"I think I
never told you … how much you mean to me, how much I love you. You know that?"
Bending down I let my kisses dance like butterflies along your spine, emphasizing my words with my lips, affirming my love for
you.
"Your new
position will not make any difference to me, my love," I whisper defiantly … a
defiance I'm not used to when I talk to you. This is a night of lasts, and
firsts it seems.
I know you
hear me, so don't give me your infuriating silence. I'm tired of these
uncertainties, but at last I simply rest my head onto the back of your
shoulder, listening for your familiar heartbeat.
A heart I
felt beating by my side on countless missions; a heart I have protected from
harm when danger was close and my mind almost forgot about duty to the Jedi,
only to think about my duty to shield you from peril. To ensure I would
continue hearing your heart beat for yet another day.
How I dread
knowing you no longer will be on missions with me. Although I will have my
Obi-Wan, a boy I fear will not be able to make up for the easy company, trust
and comfort you so unerringly provided!
You sigh,
slowly turning onto your side, your dark eyes seeking mine, devouring me --
holding me with a warmth I have known from no other. Your eyes say //Yes, I
know your sadness, it is mine as well.// You reach up for a loose strand of my
hair, pulling it to you, smelling it, tasting it, and in doing so you share
with me the memory you're creating of this very moment. A memory I know will
keep you warm when we cannot be together in the months and years to come.
Reverently
you kiss my hair, saying "I know, Qui, and my love for you will not change, for
nothing and no-one. Our times together will be shorter, yes. You will be on
missions, I will be here. That is the will of the Force, it is our way." The
only thing that seems to matter to you -- you embrace the Force so
whole-heartedly, and it makes me jealous to think it might mean more to you
than I do. Foolish thoughts of a jaded, old man, I chide myself.
"But we
*will* stay together, Qui-Gon!" I can hear your certainty and want to make it
my own, but it's so hard.
Your palm
gently presses against my chest now and I can feel your strength, your love,
your will to hold on to what we have, despite the odds. How strangely calm I am
again, simply because of your touch. I love you, how much I love you!
"We will
get through this, believe me … trust in *us*," you say quietly. I want
to believe, what else can you speak but truth. You pull me closer to you,
resting your head against my chest, and my fears vanish, like fog burned away
by the morning sun. Yet there is sadness when I hear your deep voice offering
an apology. No apologies, my love, no guilt now!
"It wasn't
my choice to be called; the Council insisted. Who can refuse when the Force
calls you? I … I couldn't say no, Qui!" Instinctively I wrap my arms around
you; you are mine, not the damn Council's! But you simply turn to look at me
with those large, ebony eyes everyone else finds so intimidating. I only see
kindness in them, can read you like no other. It frightens me to see the *real*
you -- a man who loves, and lives, without compromise, without hesitation; a side
of you no-one else sees. It renders you vulnerable, giving me a weapon; a blade
as sharp as the truth between us, that we call love.
"We will do
what we must, …" you say with a calm that I wish I could feel right now. And
what if I must wield my newly-found weapon against you, to defy you and the
Council?
"… but in
the end-- I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn!"
How you
know to sooth the turmoil of my heart, you wizard, you sorcerer.
Unerringly
your lips find mine, your tongue demanding to take what you know will be yours
forever. And I surrender, giving myself up completely, until we're out of
breath once more.
When you
slowly pull back, I feel your fingers in my beard. I catch them with my mouth,
kissing your fingertips. But the time for play is over.
"I need to
get ready, Qui. Wait for me, my love!" you say and slowly free yourself of my
embrace. Reluctantly, I let you go, my head sinking back onto my pillow,
blindly staring at the ceiling, hardly able to see through the tears pooling in
my eyes.
How I curse
the will of the Force, for the first time in my life. And for a second I even
curse you for serving it, so much better than I ever will.
"Yes, of
course, Mace," is the only thing I can say. In a few hours you will be called
to take your seat with your new peers on the Council -- and I know I will defy
you!
~~~~~~~~~~
Part 2:
*Mace*
Slowly I
awake from a night of exertion -- exertion of the sweetest kind, with the man I
love.
"More, Qui,
please … Hmmmm" I relish your touch, even after this last, busy night we've
had. We should be so sore by now, I've lost count how many times I brought you
off -- with my mouth, my whole body, and you did the same for me. Can you put a
limitation on love? Of course not. My love for you, my Qui-Gon, is as strong and
alive as when we first made love in one of the secret gardens of the Temple. No
wonder I can't get enough of your hands and mouth on my back as I lazily lie
next to you, smiling into my pillow, enjoying maybe the last carefree moments
we'll have for a long time to come.
So many
mornings waking up to your scent and your caresses. I've kept a memory of each
one of them. Mornings you have shared the bed with me. The sun is brilliant
today, making me squint, so bright are the rays of Coruscant's sun. How I wish this could be just another one in a long
line of beautiful mornings we have together …
*Loving
you is not a choice,
It's who
I am ….*
They have
called me on the Council, and in a few hours I will take my new place. I look
forward to this new challenge. The opportunities I'll have to shape the future
-- for the Jedi, for the Republic! My decisions will change the face of the
Jedi. I can feel it. Like Master Yoda foresaw it, these next few years will be
crucial for the Jedi, for us, and I have been called to help decide what path
we'll take. The Force has decided my path, and my heart is filled with it. How
I wish I could share this joy with you, let you feel and understand the
gratitude that fills me. But all I feel from you is fear -- irrational, cold fear!
*Loving
you is not a choice,
And not
much reason to rejoice…*
What are
you afraid of, my love? You can't hide your turmoil from me. Your fingers
tremble as they touch my skin, the hairs on my back rising in response to your
unsure touch.
I don't want
you to be afraid, not now. I want you by my side. I need your strength, not
your fears.
I need you,
more than I ever needed you before in my life! Like you were there for me when
my parents were killed in front of my eyes … right here, on Coruscant. They
wanted to spend the day with us in Green District. It was an accident. They
wanted to see me after my trials. Who could have known that intoxicated Bothian
would slam into our little group, killing them on the spot …You were there for
me then. I wouldn't have made it through my trials, or kept my sanity, without
you … You held me, wept with me, let me curse the Force without reprimand as my
Master would have. You were there for me, without fail.
The Force
has set a great responsibility on my shoulders, and I need you to help me carry
it. Please, my love …For me to stay sane, for a place to find peace when I know
its demands will drive me insane.
To serve
the Force is not easy, but it chose me, and I chose you!
*But it
gives me purpose, gives me voice
To say
to the world:
This is
why I live …*
You are why
I live, as much as the Force will ever be, my Qui-Gon.
"I
think I never told you … how much you mean to me, how much I love you,"
you say as your hands try to steady themselves on my back..
No -- we are
men of few words, you and I, the more precious they are to me now. I bathe in
the sound of your voice … "Be here and love me, Qui! " I want to scream so
you'll hear, you fool, but I remain silent, quietly soaking up this gift of
your love.
"Your new position
will not make a difference," I hear you whisper. *I* know it will never
change how I feel about you. If only I could reassure you that it will be so,
that everything will remain the same.
But now all
I need is your love, so give me what I so strongly desire! All I want is your
affection, your caresses, your lips on my back … so good! It's hard for me to
hold still and not to roll over and onto you, filling you once more with my
love after your mouth would have driven me half crazy …
But there
it is again, your hesitation. You are angry with me …
*Loving
you is why I do the things I do …*
The truth
is -- I am afraid, my Qui-Gon! Afraid of leaving your side, no longer
being able to shield you from harm that might come your way. Afraid that you
won't follow me, that you won't understand the calling of the Force that means
so much to me. Afraid that my place by your side will be taken by someone else
-- your Padawan. But can he protect you as I can, unselfishly and without
thought of personal danger? Will he be able to sooth your darkest thoughts?
*Loving
you is not in my control …*
He has
grown, your young, innocent Obi-Wan; and he loves you!
But *I*
love you more, and I sigh, turning towards you, seeing how much your worries
have taken hold on you. No, please, my Qui-Gon, please be still. Be there for
me as I will be for you!
My hand
reaches for you, I take a bit of your loose hair, nibbling it. It's like an
aphrodisiac, inflaming me further. I want to take you, hard. Want to make you
scream, if there only wasn't that sadness in your eyes.
As I kiss
your hair and put my hand against your chest, I can feel you still your
thoughts.
"We will
get through this, believe me … trust in us!" I say this like a mantra to
pull you through this abyss of yours. I won't let you fight this battle alone;
I am here and will do whatever it takes to keep you by my side. "TRUST ME," I
send along our bond, and you become still once more. But I cannot quell that
sadness between us.
"It wasn't
my choice to be called, the Council insisted … who can refuse a call by the
Force? I couldn't say no, Qui!" You hear, but you don't understand and like a
frightened child you close your arms around me, daring me to flee your embrace.
Be there
for me now, Qui-Gon! Why can't you help me with this as I did for you, nursing
you back to sanity during your darkest hour, when betrayal of your love almost
cost you your life and position in the Order?
I need you
now, can't you see that? You fight the will of the Force as I have not seen you
do before, but I won't let you despair.
I can't. Why do I always have to be the stronger one?
*But
loving you I have a goal of what's left of my life …*
I look into
your eyes, your incredibly blue eyes – 'soul traitors', Yoda's people call
them, and now I see why. I see your misgivings … oh my Qui, just love me on
this, our last morning as simple men!
Another
sigh. As much as I would love to ravish you, this morning has lost its innocent
beginnings and I have to get ready for my appearance in front of my new peers.
"We will do
what we must, but in the end-- " I opt for the truth and the simplest way out,
the only way I know how to put you, and me, at ease again.
"I love
you, Qui-Gon Jinn!"
*I will live, and I would die for
you!
It is the
truth and it feels so good to say these words aloud. I love you, my Qui, and we
will have each other till we join the Force.
My fingers
run through your beard, so soft, and it tickles when you catch them with your
mouth, kissing each one, your tongue running over my fingertips.
With great
reluctance I draw away, I have to get ready … don't give me that lost, forlorn
look, Qui-Gon! Damn, why are you making this so hard for us!
All that is
left for me is to run into the fresher, like a fugitive running from a mortal
enemy. Oh Force, how could we ever be enemies, you and I? Never, my Qui-Gon, I
won't let that happen.
I hastily
close the door to the bedroom, sinking down onto the rim of the bathtub,
fighting down my tears. No tears now.
Instead,
your tears become mine.
*Loving
you is not a choice,
It's who
I am.
Loving
you is not a choice,
And not
much reason to rejoice.
But it
gives me purpose, gives me voice
To say
to the world:
This is
why I live.
You are
why I live.
Loving
you is why I do the things I do.
Loving
you is not in my control.
But
loving you, I have a goal
For
what's left of my life.
I will
live, and I would die for you!*
(Stephen Sondheim, *Passion* 1994)
The End