Spoilers: This is a Moulin Rouge fic. 99.9% of them have spoilers. In other words, yes this spoils the film.
Author's Notes: Takes place after Zidler has told Satine she is dying and after Satine has told Christian that their relationship and love is over. Satine is preparing for the performance of 'Spectacular, Spectacular!'. Hopefully this will sort of fit into the timeline of the movie. ::crosses fingers:: This is the first Moulin Rouge fic I'm showing anyone, so I hope you all enjoy it and won't flame too badly! I would sort of like to stick around in this fandom for a while yet...! Satine's POV. Seriously full of angst. Also, I don't know if the part of the poem fits or not, but I think it does, so... anyway.
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
-- Simon and Garfunkel – the Sounds of Silence
I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I shudder. My eyes, once so full of laughter and happiness and love, because of him, are now dark, full of shadows and are haunted. They frighten me. I look defeated, as if I have accepted my fate once and for all. It seems I can't find the strength inside me to fight it anymore. I was always strong. But now it appears that it is gone, just like my life will soon be when the sickness inside me has finished its evil intent.
Since when did I give up so easily? I used always have to be strong before, growing up and trying to make my own way in the world. I had always been so full of strength and determination, my one and only intent to become a real actress. This was always my goal, it had always been the one thing in sight. I had never once diverted from that path, my resolution to one day, in the future, reach the end of it.
But then Christian entered my life and nothing was the same again.
Up to then I had never known true love. Perhaps once I had -- sometimes I have a vague memory of a tall man hugging me with a smile on his face who made me laugh, someone I believe might have once been my father -- but when I came to the Moulin Rouge and started selling my 'love' for money, true love just became a distant memory, something I believed I would never experience again.
But then one night I mistook a Bohemian writer for a Duke and rediscovered love once again. A love that was meant to be doomed and I refused to believe that could be true. I had found a man who would love me for myself, not for my appearance and not for one night but for always. I believed nothing that beautiful could ever be doomed. It had been as foolish as Christian's belief that all one needed was love. And now we were both paying for our idiotic beliefs in ways that would scar us forever.
My skin is so pale now. Paler than it was before. If one looked close at me they might even remark I looked sick. How ironic, considering I am sick. I am dying. A black disease is, at this very moment, raging through me, devouring me with no mercy. Soon it will have devoured me entirely and I will be no more. I do not fear it anymore, for now I know it is inevitable. Zidler would not have told me that as a joke. I am the Sparkling Diamond, the star of the Moulin Rouge. Zidler needs me. The Moulin Rouge needs me.
But I am not sure I need it or him anymore.
I was prepared to abandon it all to spend eternity with Christian. Only the night before, I was completely ready to leave this, to turn my back on it forever and leave with Christian to be with him. Suddenly love was more important than the Moulin Rouge, than Zidler, than my dream of becoming a real actress. Perhaps Christian had been right. Perhaps all one needed was love. Perhaps love did conquer all.
But then Zidler told me I was dying. And he told me if I didn't perform tonight, the Duke was going to kill Christian somehow. And my dreams turned to dust. I know deep inside that the Duke would have had Christian killed. He is a powerful man. He has contacts. And he possibly would have killed me as well. I am afraid of him. He is possessive, greedy, selfish. Dangerous. I have never feared anyone as I fear him, since he attacked me and caused me to flee to Christian. The thought of being 'his' sickens me. And frightens me.
But what other choice do I have? I will not willingly let Christian be killed because of another man's madness. I am not that selfish, no matter how much it tears me up inside. No matter how my heart breaks because of it. Looking Death in the eyes has opened my eyes and caused me to look beyond now, beyond this time to the future.
What if I had left with Christian? What good would it have caused? No matter how knowledgeable and sophisticated England's doctors are, I am dying. This terrible disease inside me is too far gone for any medicine. I would have eventually died and left Christian alone. It is better this way. It is. Perhaps if I keep telling myself that, I will one day believe it. If I even have days left.
Perhaps I shouldn't have abandoned my dream of becoming an actress so quickly. For I know now I have the talent. I must if I had been able to stand before Christian, look him in the eye and tell him I didn't love him. That I had chosen the Duke and his fear over him and his love. I might have been an actress, but even I hadn't been able to bring that from the heart. Surely he must have known I didn't believe that. I can only hope Christian is as perceptive as I believe him to be. God help me, I hope so.
But I can't take it back now. For everything, for Christian, for Zidler, for the Moulin Rouge, perhaps even for myself, I must do this. For everything I must do this, even if it tears me up inside. Even if I welcome death because of it. My heart believes that life is not worth anything if Christian isn't in it, but my head tells me I cruel and selfish to believe that. But I know even if I choose life with Christian, he will be taken away from me. And I can't bear that either.
I am so afraid. Of what is going to happen and what has happened. Of what I have done and what I will do. Part of me hopes that Christian will come tonight, even though I know he is risking his life by doing so. But I still hope he can come so I can let him hold me one last time, kiss him one last time and tell him I love him one last time, before... before what? This is a fool's thought. If Christian comes tonight he will never let the Duke have me and he will die for it. No. No, better he stays away and believes I don't love him, rather than letting him come and risk his life. I am not that selfish, though I may sometimes wish I am.
I stare at the mirror again but this time it is not only my reflection I see. A man is behind me, standing behind me. He is dressed entirely in black, including a floor-length cloak with a hood that shields his face. But despite the hood I can still see his face. He resembles Christian and my heart breaks once more. I had thought it couldn't shatter any more than it already has. Anger surges inside me. Must Fate taunt me even more than she already has? Must she jest with me even more?
"Hello Death," I whisper, knowing the man behind me is not real and is only a figment of my imagination, brought on by the revelation of my coming death. "I will meet you soon."
He nods and slowly reaches out to me. I watch him in the mirror and fear curdles inside my stomach. Perhaps I am not as aloof as I had thought I am. Perhaps I still fear death and why not? It is a huge step into the unknown. I suppose I still haven't accepted it. Icy fingers touch the nape of my neck and I shiver, closing my eyes. The icy feeling seeps inside me, through my skin. When I open my eyes there is nothing behind me. I am alone. But the coldness inside me remains.
Always alone. I was alone before Christian came and I will be alone again. What is the use wishing for something that can never be? Christian cannot love me and I cannot love him, not without endangering him. And I will not have his death, not even for one last meeting with him. I stare into the mirror and a tear slides down my pale, gaunt cheek. "The show must go on," I whisper to my reflection and pick up a makeup jar. "The show must go on."
I will be strong. I will somehow find the strength inside me to get through this night. I will find the strength to give up Christian forever. I will have to, for our love will never be. I will paste a fake smile on my face and never let the world see my heart is breaking and my dreams are turning to dust.
But my song tonight will be for him. And perhaps it will be for Death as well, for soon I will be embracing him also. But the show must go on, despite anything and everything that is going wrong. If there is one thing I have learned from Zidler, it is that. Another tear slides down my cheek, but this time I ignore it.
Goodbye my dear, sweet Christian. Farewell my wonderful poet and love. But... but... come what may, my dear, I will love you... until my dying day.