Chapter 1 – What's the secret?
It's a common fact that Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the third – a.k.a. Dot Warner – is the cutest living creature on the face of the earth. With those two darling eyes; that cute little nose; that pretty pink dress; so sweet and cuddly, innocent, neat and trusting . . . oh yeah, Dot is simply a goddess. She can't help it. She was born that way. No matter how hard you try, you can never ever top Dot when it comes to cuteness. Sure, many people (and toons) are cute in some way, but Dot is cute in every way!
That was written in some newspaper/magazine. Actually, it was written in many of those. It had to be done. A huge drama had taken place a few weeks before. . .
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Out of the blue, Dot felt a cold chill go down her spine. Sometimes when that happened, it meant that she was excited or that something fun was about to occur. This time, though, she wasn't quite sure what the reason was. She stepped outside her room, only to bump into Wakko.
"Ow!" Dot whined. "You did that on purpose!"
Wakko didn't reply. He only rubbed his head and ran off. Funny, why did he do that? Dot didn't bother to think about it and went in the living room where Yakko was reading a paper. When he saw her approaching him, he quickly closed the paper, curled it into a ball, and threw it away.
"Hey, Dot," he said nervously. "What's up?"
"What was that all about?" said Dot. "Why did you throw the paper away? I was about to read it."
"Oh, sorry," said Yakko. "It's just that . . . well, you know how tense I can get. The sur-- I mean music scores weren't like I wanted. How can people vote for such a boring song? I mean, come on: 'Grace Kelly'?" He scuffed. "Give me a break. And the CDs weren't any better! You should have seen the top three! Norah Jones' 'Not too late', Nelly Furtado's 'Loose' and Korn's 'MTV unplugged'! Talk about trash! Okay, so I'm being a bit harsh, but I hate people's dull music taste!" He said all that at maximum speed.
Dot stared at her brother for a while. "Um, Yakko, do those things you mentioned even exist?"
Yakko stared back. He then shrugged. "Nah, probably not." (Note: it's still 1997!)
"Well then, why did you really throw it away?" Dot asked.
Yakko looked at his wrist as if there was a watch there, and then slammed his hands on his sides. "Alright! I'll tell ya!"
At that very moment, Wakko came to the scene out of nowhere. He grabbed Yakko's arm and whispered something in his ear. Yakko shook his head frantically and mouthed: "No way!" Dot was getting annoyed.
"What was that all about?" she asked again. Neither one of her brothers replied, but both turned away. Yakko reached to his pocket – which had suddenly appeared on his slacks – for a paddleball, while Wakko simply took a soda bottle from his gag bag – reached from behind his back – and began sucking on it.
"You guys!" she said while waving her hands. "It's not nice to whisper in front of others! Especially not me! You can't say no to me. I'm too cute!"
Yakko missed the ball for the first time in ages and Wakko spat out soda and choked on it. Then they both gave her a thumb up and said: "Right!" in unison.
Dot put her hands on her hips. There was definitely something going on. "This story hasn't even begun properly, and you're already making the readers think? What kind of main characters are you?"
She looked at her brothers. Yakko had a sheepish grin on his face (as usual), but for some reason, Wakko was avoiding eye contact. What was his problem? Sudden fear of his own sister? Maybe he had had a nightmare about her . . .
There was a knock on the tower door.
"I'll get it!!" the three siblings said. They all ran towards the door and fought to be the one to open it. Yakko reached it first, but Wakko was quick enough to be able to push him away. Dot didn't want to give up without a fight, so she reached for Wakko's hand, which was heading for the door. Instantly, Wakko pulled back and let Dot open. She eyed him. Even if his face had an extremely scared look, he tried his best to smile, though it didn't seem very convincing. Dot ignored him and opened the door.
"Yeeeeeesss?" she said with a cute voice.
"Yeah, hi," said a nerdy delivery boy. "I was supposed to give you this." He handed out a big envelope. Before Dot could accept it, Yakko snagged it.
"Thanks for that and have a good day!" he said. "By the way, you really need to work on your skin, pal."
"What?" was the only thing the boy managed to say before Yakko slammed the door on his face.
"What did he bring me? What did he bring me? What did he bring me? What did he bring me? What did he bring me?" Dot repeated while bouncing up and down. "Is it a letter from a fan? Did I win something? Is Mel coming for a visit? Mmmm . . . Mel . . . " She sighed.
Yakko opened the envelope and revealed an antique-brown piece of paper. He read it over and then looked at Wakko. "Aaaaaaaahh . . . " his voice slid, "I think that guy got the wrong address."
"Why?" Dot asked, snapping out of her daydreams about Mel Gibson. "What did the letter say?"
"Something about frogurts," said Yakko and put the paper back in the envelope.
"What's a frogurt?" said Wakko.
"Frozen yogurt," said Yakko and handed Wakko the letter. "Send this back. We don't need it."
Wakko took the letter, but instead of sending it back, he ate it. A big belch followed. "Sorry," he said and giggled. "I was hungry."
Dot frowned and crossed her arms. "I didn't even get to read it! What's gotten into you two? You're acting . . . I don't know, weird!"
"If you think we're weird, you should take a look outside," said Yakko and led his siblings on the tower balcony. Dot heard screaming and cheering. She was curious enough to step outside as well, followed by Wakko. The second the two got on the balcony, the crowd below cheered even louder. In between, Dot heard numerous people shout: "Oh my god!" and: "It's the cute one!!!" and: "I love you!!!!"
"Yakko, do you think this is a good idea?" Wakko asked worriedly.
"What? Showing you our fans? No way!" Yakko said and blew a kiss to the crowd.
"They love us!" said Dot. "They even said I'm the cute one. Well, not that I'm not used to that," she added and flipped her hair.
"That's not what I meant!" Wakko said behind grinned teeth. He grabbed his siblings and dragged them inside again. Dot could hear the crowd groan in disappointment.
"Why did you do that?" she said. "I was having a good time there!"
Wakko ignored her comment and whispered something to Yakko again. This time, though, Dot could make something out:
"You shouldn't . . . she'll know . . . about . . . me and . . . her!"
Dot gasped. Wakko Warner, her brother, the silent one, the emotional one; was in a relationship? How could that be? Who could it be? When did it happen? Why was he the first? She was the cutest after all . . .
"No way!" she accidentally said out loud.
"What? What? What did you hear?" Wakko asked hurriedly. For the first time in a while, he looked at Dot in the eye. But as soon as he did, he ran away again. When he reached out of sight, Dot looked at Yakko.
"What's with him?" she asked, hoping that Yakko might spill something about Wakko's secret relationship.
"No idea," said Yakko. "Probably just paranoid. Could be that he's shy too, I can't tell."
"You mean you don't know about his new girl?" Dot asked, putting up her puppy eyes.
"New girl? What's that supposed to mean?" Yakko said, giving Dot the strangest look.
"Duuuh! I heard him say that you shouldn't show me the crowd because if you do, I'll find out about him and her!" Dot explained. "I'm not stupid, Yakko. I know exactly what he meant. So, who is it?"
Yakko sighed. "That's not what he said, Dot. The only thing he mentioned was that I shouldn't be so hasty on letting our fans see us all together. There's this girl who's . . . really ugly, and she's kinda persecuting him. So, he made a little lie up. He told her that he couldn't date her because he was already seeing someone: you."
"What?!" Dot shrieked. "How could he have said that!! I'm his sister!! Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!!"
"I know!" said Yakko. "But get this: she believed him! But Wakko thinks that if that girl sees the three of us together, she'll find out that we're siblings – you know, we all look the same. She'll just do her biology."
For some reason, Dot was starting to picture what it would be like if she and Wakko weren't siblings . . .
She shook her head. Dear god, what was she thinking! It was bad enough to make a lie, but a fantasy was even worse! She had to get that thought out somehow.
"Wanna go outside?" she asked.
"Well, that was random – but I give!" said Yakko. "Let's at least take a little stroll."
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It was nice to get some fresh air, and even if it was a little windy, that just made it fun. As the siblings walked in Griffith Park (well, maybe running, skipping and causing havoc would be more defining), Dot was constantly imitating Marilyn Monroe when a big gust blew at her and that made by passers cheer. But she couldn't help but notice a slight strange behavior in people. They were constantly giving her comments on how cute she was. She got it all the time, but it was suspiciously often this time.
"Hey, congratulations! You're so cute!"
"Wow! It's true! The cutest one is adorable!"
"I can't believe I'm seeing the cutest one with my own eyes!"
"The other two may be cute, but the cute one is the cutest!"
"I've got a cute obsession after that!"
"They're all cute! Not as cute as the cutest, though."
"I'm so going to take part next time! Great win there, cutest!"
"The cutie contest isn't until next month, and I've already gotten lots of fans!" Dot said happily.
"Don't you think they said 'the cute one' a little too much?" said Wakko.
"Nah, I wouldn't say that," said Yakko. "Some people don't want to look stupid and show others that they know us. But then again, they do look stupid by not saying our names."
Just then, a group of middle-school girls came running towards the siblings, all squealing like a rusty door.
"Oh my god! It's them!"
"I wanna see! I wanna see!"
"I can't see the cute one!"
I wanna look at the winner!"
While the girls approached, the Warners looked at each other, then all shouted: "Run away!"
And a big race started. The Warners had to get their way out of the park, run across streets, jump over fences, smash trash cans, parody the Beatles, and hop on people's heads before they managed to get back to the movie lot. They didn't want to go back to the tower just yet, so they decided to pay a little visit to Scrathansniff.
"Helloooooooooooo nurse!!" was – of course – the first thing the brothers said, jumping into the arms of Hello Nurse. She, on the other hand, dropped the boys immediately and went straight to Dot.
"Hey, cutie," she said. "How's it going with you?"
"Uhh . . . okay, I guess," said Dot.
"That's so good to hear!" said Hello Nurse. "I just made some drinks. You want some?"
"No thanks," said Dot. How strange. Why was Hello Nurse suddenly so nice to her?
"I was a little worried about you," said Hello Nurse. "I didn't think you'd take it so well. Knowing you, I thought you'd totally snap! But here you are, like nothing happened."
"Oh, come on!" said Dot. "What is wrong with you people? If there's something up, then say it! I don't care what it is!" She turned around and pointed at Wakko. "You, for example, could have told me about that ugly admirer of yours before, but nooooooooo! You had to make Yakko do it for you because you were too nervous!" She turned to Hello Nurse again. "And what about you, huh? What's with this sudden 'be-nice-to-Dot' thing? It's all so fishy to me."
Yakko, Wakko and Hello Nurse could do nothing but stare at each other. The only thing was that while Hello Nurse had a puzzling look on her face, the brothers had perverted grins on theirs.
"Okay, don't tell me anything!" Dot said coldly. "But I'm gonna find out what's going on. I think I'll ask Scratchy. He'll tell me. I'll just use my cute charms."
With that, Dot went into the doctor's office. There was a stack of paper lying on his desk, which he was carefully scanning. When he saw Dot, he made an attempt to hide the papers, but to no avail.
"What'cha doing there, Scratchy?" said Dot.
"Nothing important to you," said Scratchansniff. "Just the day's reports."
"Aren't there a bit many papers?" said Dot and walked to the doctor. She caught a glimpse of a newspaper's headline: ' . . . the cutest . . . ' and that's all she could read before Scratchansniff snagged the paper and placed it among the others. "I've felt so left out today. Everyone's been talking about something I know nothing about. I wanna know what it is. I wanna take part in the conversations!"
Scratchansniff sighed. He pressed a button on his phone and said: "Ms. Nurse, get in here right away."
Dot was excited. Finally! Someone was going to tell her! She knew Scratchy wouldn't fail! Hello Nurse came into the office after a short amount of time and stood right next to Dot.
"Do you want to know what everybody's talking about?" Scratchansniff asked. Dot nodded fast. "Trust me, you don't."
"Whyyyyyy?" said Dot. "I'm so curious! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, tell me?"
"Come on, Scratchy," said Hello Nurse. "The girl has every right to know. How can you resist her? She's so adorable!"
"Ehem, that's 'cute', and don't you forget it," said Dot. Hello Nurse smiled back. Wow. It sure was nice to have her so friendly.
"I can't tell her," said Scratchansniff. "I think you should."
"Fine, I'll do it," said Hello Nurse. She reached for one of the papers on Scratchy's desk and handed it to Dot. "Flip to page sixteen and read it well."
Dot was a bit confused. All the things people were talking about were simply in a magazine? How stupid was that? Oh well. Dot obeyed and began reading. The more she read, the more shocked her expression became.
Who do you think is the cutest Warner?
According to a survey that was made about two weeks ago, most people find Wakko Warner the cutest of the three Warner siblings. When the votes were counted, publishers were surprised to see that the winner wasn't Dot Warner, who is commonly referred to as 'the cute one'. Nevertheless, Wakko turned out to be the cutest. Of course, a survey doesn't necessarily have to be a fact, but since so many people were asked, it just has to be right. The results are thus:
1. Wakko 69
2. Dot 18
3. Yakko 13
Our next survey will hold the title: Who is the dumbest of the A! cast?
Dot's jaw dropped and her eyes grew wider than ever. She read the article over again; just to be sure she had seen what she thought. It was bad enough to think that Wakko had won a survey that had the word 'cute' in it, but the results were terrible. There was such a big gap between him and her! Dot let the paper fall to the ground while she looked at Scratchansniff and Hello Nurse. It was all making sense!
"That letter . . . it was for Wakko, wasn't it?" she said. "For winning the survey. And when Yakko threw the newspaper outside . . . it was to prevent me from seeing the results! That thing about Wakko and the ugly persecutor . . . it was a lie! All those screaming fans . . . they were talking about him!" Dot felt her rage boil. "Okay, cool. So Wakko won a survey. Big deal, right? It's not like people really think he's the cutest. It's just a survey!"
"Actually . . . " Scratchansniff tried to say something, but Dot's scream cut him off.
"I can't believe this!!!! You all knew how angry I was going to get and you still didn't tell be about this earlier!!! Who do you think you are?? I'm not going to stand!!! I am outta here!!!"
Dot stormed out of the office, leaving the nurse and doctor behind looking horrified. Outside, her brothers were too scared to even move. They didn't go after her either. They stood behind as well, watching walls being cracked by punching, floors being shaken by stepping, and their ears aching because of her screaming. Dot was not going to be happy for the next few days; that was for sure.