"We accept the love we think we deserve."- Stephen Chbosky
"It doesn't matter because you picked Riley," Maya said, her voice seeming to echo in my ears. Spewing facts and logic into the room, I could feel her eyes locking with mine, lips moving slow yet fast at the same time. My nerve completely lost in that moment, and all I could do was sit there and listen.
"What do you want to do," I replied, completely blocking out the remainder of her speech. Something just felt off. And I wanted to know what that was exactly.
"I need to decide whatever way I like you, and not whatever way the little merry sunshine part of me skipping around in there likes you," she spoke back, her answer blunt and straight to the point. I could sense the shift in her tone, but chose to ignore it for now. I saw the pleading look in her crystal blue eyes, and it was enough to shut me up completely.
Some say the harder things in life are learning to let go and move on. But for me...it's all about being heard. It's like my voice has been put on pause for so long that I hardly know how to speak. Choices being put on the back-burner, nothing really being resolved. Confusion and revelations seeming to go hand in hand. For once I am left speechless, which has been occurring more and more each and every day. Just when I think I have finally found my way, I have been silenced. Its like a little game to me. And so far, the score is one point for Maya Hart, and zero for me.
Maya and Riley think they know what is best for me. Or if we want to get more specific, what's best for themselves. It doesn't matter that I am somehow involved in this mess too, but rather that I am the reason their friendship is somehow magically falling apart. But that's just how it's always been I guess. When one sees the other hurting, they will do anything in their power to make things better. Even if in the end it will only hurt themselves even more. However, I hope to break that pattern, as they are not the only ones whose lives have been messed up anymore. All of our friends have. Some more than others, but they have all been affected none the less.
"And until then I will always be here for you Maya, even if you don't think I will," I thought, deciding to keep that one to myself. I didn't want to let my guard down completely yet, as it hasn't gotten me very far in the past.
A few hours later
"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Zay asked, him and Farkle heading to the door. They were planning on catching a new movie, but Lucas had something completely different on his mind.
"No you guys just go on without me. Seriously, I think I have to take care of something else here first. Maybe afterwards I'll meet you there," I stated, hoping they wouldn't harp on the situation any further.
"No problem. Just figure out whatever you need to feel man," Farkle added, seeming to know exactly what I was thinking. With that, they both headed out, their figures seeming to get smaller and smaller as they began to walk off.
I soon turned back to the living room one last time. I could hear Maya and Riley in her room, my curiosity beginning to peak. I could feel my feet starting towards the small staircase, having not a care in the world for what I was about to do. Suddenly I felt a small tap on my shoulder, sending a tingle down my back. When I turned around I was surprised to see that it was none other than Katy Hart.
"Well this just got ten times more awkward...um hi Miss. Hart," I croaked, causing her to giggle slightly. Ushering me to sit down on the couch, I took a deep breath, relief being the only word to describe my current state.
"How are you holding up. I know it probably hasn't been the best couple of months for you," Katy said, seeming genuinely concerned. It felt kind of nice to hear her say that, as it was the first time I actually had a voice in the matter.
"Actually, Miss. Hart, I haven't been doing so great. You see..." And with that I spilled everything to her. From beginning to end, making sure to leave no parts out. I could see her facial expression changing every few seconds, whether it be a smile or a frown, and that just fueled me to speak even more. Once I had finally finished relaying what had happened in Riley's room not to long ago, I took a huge breath.
And then I waited.
"Lucas, I don't know what to tell you. It seems to me that your mind is already made up. But since I am Maya's mother, I don't think its my place to really tell you what to do. Just know that no matter what you decide, follow your heart,"Katy finished, making me relax a bit more.
It had been a solid half an hour and by now it was time for everyone to go home. Soon, Katy began to get her things and slowly made her way to the door, being mindful of everyone else in the house. Shutting the door behind her, I knew what I had to do. Picking up my things, I made my way towards the door as well. It wouldn't be long before Maya left the house as well and I really had to get something off my chest. Parking myself onto the front steps, I waited for what felt like an eternity. Eventually my eyes began to seal shut, sleep something I desperately needed at the moment.
"Really Huckleberry,"
Those were the words to wake me from my slumber. I didn't know how long I had been on those steps, but it didn't matter. In seconds I was up on my feet, trying to find the person that went with that voice.
"I'm surprised someone didn't come out here and snatch you or something. Why are you sleeping out here in the middle of the night Luc...wait I get it. You want to be closer to your Texas roots, so you decided to connect with nature by sleeping outside!" Maya laughed, clearly going back to her old ways.
"No that's not it Miss. Maya Penelope Hart. I wanted to talk to you. About everything," I said a little too seriously. In that moment, her facial expression completely changed. She knew. And that was the most scariest part.
"Lucas. If we are going to do this, can we at least talk about this somewhere else. I mean, its kind of weird doing it right in front of Riles house don't you think? Come on, Hopalong. I thought you Texas boys had a little more class than that,"
"Of course. There is this new ice cream place right down the street that we can go to," I answered. I didn't care were we went. I was just grateful that she actually agreed.
We began to walk in silence. It was as if we were strangers pacing on the street, trying to get from one place to the other. But we weren't. We were far from it. Just when we were about to reach our destination it was Maya who broke the unbearable silence in the air.
"Whats your middle name," she questioned out of nowhere, a tiny glimmer in her eyes.
"Why on earth would you want to know that, Penelope," I retorted, laughing out loud.
"Because of that! Its not fair that you can just use it against me whenever I want," she spoke, her humorous side beginning to show.
"Like you use all your countless nicknames for me. That is so fair!" I said, sarcasm becoming my middle name.
"That's completely different. Just tell me what it is, Ranger Rick," Maya threatened, causing me to stop dead in my tracks and look her in the eye for what felt like the hundredth time tonight.
"Maya, I never tell you anything personal about myself because I know you. You will just find some way to humiliate me about it later, and I don't want that. I want to share everything with you, and you to share everything with me. Why is it that whenever I want to be the slightest bit honest and real with you, you decide to turn it into some joke. Just answer that Maya. Please," I confessed. We began to walk again, however our conversation still went strong. I thought in that moment she would dart her eyes away from me or walk away, but she did the exact opposite. She fought back.
"I can't be honest with you! I just can't. As soon as I do, I am admitting to myself that this is real. That despite everything I have been doing for god knows how long, I will be in this for real. No jokes. No ha-hurrs. Just me and whatever this is between us. And I can't even begin to think how this would affect Riley!" Maya poured out. Once again, she has left me speechless and unsure of what to do. There was just only one thing to say.
"We're here,"
A few hours later
I cant believe that we actually talked tonight. I was sure she was going to block me off as soon as we walked through the door, but she did the complete opposite. Sure, it was awkward at first for the both of us, but once we finally accepted what was going on it made things much easier. For once, I thought we were actually making progress somehow. Like we may actually have something more than just cute nicknames and laughs over my Texan heritage after all. And lets just say that it feels...nice for a change.
"You know Huckleberry. Tonight actually wasn't that bad," Maya commented.
"Agreed. Maybe we should do this more often,"
"Maybe we should...and I just want to say something," she spoke softly, causing me to sense the level of uncertainty and hesitation in her voice.
"I'm...sorry. For everything," Maya finally said, a smile beginning to form brightly on my face.
"Um...wow...thanks I guess. Its just hard because I have never heard you say that before," I replied, as there was nothing else for me to say.
"Well don't get used to it," she said, chuckling alongside of me.
We had been walking to her house for quite some time now and I knew that if I didn't get what I was feeling off my chest now, I would never have the courage to do it tomorrow. To be quite honest, I didn't know what exactly what I was going to say to her. I did plan a little something for both her and Riley, but now it just didn't feel right. It had to be meaningful and something she would want to hold onto.
"Maya. You know how everyone has been saying you are not you anymore. How you have become Riley and lost yourself in the process," I started, waiting for her signal to continue. She began to nod her head and that was enough reassurance to make me finish my train of thought.
"Well, I think that is just a load of crap. I mean, come on. Have you changed. Yes. Are you no longer getting bad grades in school and actually don't want to get detention. Yes. But is that a bad thing. No. I will admit that somewhere deep inside you, Riley is lurking in the shadows. And she always will be from what I can gather. But you are Maya Penelope Hart. The girl who does have some family issues at home, yet she doesn't let anyone take pity on her because of it. The girl who will do any and everything for her friends, even if that means putting herself on the back-burner despite her hopes and dreams. The girl who still dreams, even when everything around her has been one big nightmare. The Maya I know would never let someone tell her who she is and isn't. The Maya I know would fight back. Not because she wants to, but because that's just who she is," I gasped, the enormous weight finally being lifted off my shoulders. Stepping closer, I said my final words to her soft and carefully.
"And if you don't see that then we can stand her all night until you do,"
No words had yet formed out of her mouth. And for some odd reason, I was ok with that. She didnt have to tell me just yet. All I know is that when the time is right, I will be waiting for her answer. Even if its just a simple yes or no. Her house was now in plan sight and she gazed into my eyes one last time. And then she did something I never thought she would do in a million years. She hugged me.
It was even better than a kiss, as it somehow felt more personal. Honest in a way. It was simple and sweet, nothing big or dramatic. Yet it felt like a step in the right in the right direction. Letting me go a few seconds later, she charged towards the steps, chips of purple paint beginning to chip from her hair. In that moment, I had hope. Hope that things would be different for the better. I would get to know her, and she would get to know me equally as so. Right as she was about to close the apartment door, I decided to test that theory.
"Carter,"
"What," she answered, confusion, yet a hint of a smile, forming onto her purple stained lips.
"That's my middle name. I thought after tonight you might deserve to know," I replied, a comforting feeling settling into my heart. I started to turn around and was shortly stopped by the girl on the steps.
"Hey Carter,"
"Yeah?"
"My name is Penelope. It was very nice meeting you today," she whispered.
"Well, Miss Penelope, it was very nice meeting you too,"