SONIC UNIVERSITY
Sonic the Hedgehog was driving himself and Tails to Mobius University in his shitty blue 1996 Ford Fiesta. Crush 40 was blaring from the tinny speakers so loudly that even the dead would get a nostalgic flashback to Sonic Adventures 2 on the Dreamcast, because of the music Sonic was barely paying attention to the road and it was only luck that he didn't end up dead on the road like his grandfather Chadwick the Hedgehog. Tails turned off the radio, he was tired of being ignored as he was speaking this entire time
"Hey! Are you listening to me?!" Tails exclaimed in immense frustration
"Uuuuh, yeah dude! Weren't you saying something about how taxation is theft?"
"So you were listening after all. That's good, yeah as I was saying. The intelligent people of society shouldn't be taxed because they will spend their money wisely and be a boon to Mobius you know like-" Tails was sifting through his pink messenger bag before continuing "Oh yeah! Sonic did I ever tell you about investing in coin?"
"I don't know Tails. Can you really trust cryptocurrency? Seems like kind of a gamble and I don't need to buy LSD or whatever it is people spend their coin on these days"
"It's the future man. You'll see that soon enough" Tails finally found what he was looking for in his messenger bag. It was a copy of The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Sonic noticed this revolting symbol of everything he stood against and it took a Herculean effort from him to not switch lanes then and there and crash into a truck to kill them both, so deep was his communist sympathies. But if he did that he would miss class and would affect his grades negatively so he took a deep breath and steeled himself for what was to come.
"Sonic have you read this? You should! This book gets me you know. You know the whole world is against people like me because I'm too intelligent but I always find a way to-"
After some effort Sonic managed to zone out and ignore the passionate ramblings of Tails. He spend the time imaging that Crush 40 was still playing from his radio.
Powersliding into the university parking lot and double parking to take up a handicap spot Sonic and Tails got out of the cheap import car and casually walked towards their first class which was Economics 101. Tails stopped his long monologue about Ayn Rand for a moment
"-And that's why she's one of the greatest thinkers of all time Sonic. Anyway I was thinking. Do you know what Knuckles is up to nowadays?"
This question gave Sonic pause. He hadn't seen Knuckles in quite a while. "I don't know dude. He's been kind of drifting away from us ever since he finally moved out of his parents house"
Tails pulled a lollipop out of his messenger bag and began to suck on it for a little before responding "It was about damn time he moved out if you ask me. An individual will never flourish while he's living under the tyranny of others, don't forget that. But we should check up on him"
"You're right my dude. Hopefully we can find him around here after class. By the way? What's up with the lollipop?"
"Oh. Those damn fascists at the ESRB won't let me smoke cigarettes on screen so I'll make do with this for now" Sonic was about to interject and suggest that maybe he could try vaping. But then came to the sane conclusion that vaping is after all incredibly gay. Tails continued "Speaking of cigarettes uuuh, I gotta go to the bathroom for a minute. See you in class"
"Catch you later dude!" Sonic hustled to class with his trademarked confidence, making sure not to stare rape any of the girls or commit any micro agressions on the way as that would certainly get him arrested.
Economics was the least favorite class of Sonic and he often wondered why he was even taking it in the first place or even what he was going to university for in the first place. He had forgotten because the year was just a blur of Crush 40, protests against The Man and an intense falling out with his ex-girlfriend Amy Rose. Nevertheless he showed up on time to class because the reason he's so fast is because Sonic is a big fan of punctuality which is what attracted Amy to him in the first place. The professor, Wolfgang the Mouse was yammering on about some capitalistic propaganda like "paying workers with money will motivate them and help them provide for their families" and "capitalism is the only system that works long term" which is a total lie by the way, true communism has just not been put into practice yet but before Sonic had time to speak up and tell all of the class the truth of the matter Tails coughed violently for about minute and then asked a question. "
"Obviously capitalism is a flawless system but I have a question. What would happen if all the banks were to disappear? let's say overnight for the sake of argument"
Wolfgang thought long and hard about this question "Probably our glorious capitalist society would devolve into anarchy or some tribalist barbarism like the native hedgehogs used to live under before we gave them chilidogs infected with smallpox. Ah those were were the days before all these cuckolded leftists wanted everyone to be treated with respect and all that gay nonsense"
Tails took some notes on his laptop before responding "It would certainly be a tragedy if they were to blow up or something then. Now if you have to excuse me, I have to head out early. I'm way too intelligent to be here"
Wolfgang continued his lesson "Well leave early then. See if I care. Anyway, as I was saying. Slavery, while fun and effective it was discontinued because of slimy pinko lefties who complained that it was violating the basic rights of those pieces of property by which I mean slaves. But with those good old days gone we have this new thing called economic slavery and it's going pretty great. Imagine this scenario where you have to pay off your extravagantly expensive student loans for the rest of your life- oh wait I guess you guys don't have to imagine that do you?" the professor couldn't help but to laugh uncontrollably at the bleak fate of his easily tricked students.
Sonic had enough of all this and he couldn't stay silent any longer. "This isn't funny you cryptofascist! My grandfather Chadwick the Hedgehog was a slave and he was promised forty acres and a chilidog and all he got was a bullet between the eyes right in the middle of the road. Or between the eyeballs anyway because have you noticed how weird eyes are drawn in this franchise? The eyes are like melded together or something and it's kind of freaking me out honestly when I think about it"
"That little faggot probably had it coming for being so uppity. Anyway I feel like getting my dick sucked by one of my students so class is dismissed" Everyone left the class but before Sonic could leave the professor interrupted "Not so fast slave child. Get over here so I can can put your mouth to some good use"
Sonic sighed in dismay. It was the third time this week that this happened.
After that horrible and degrading debacle Sonic met up with Tails before the next class which was Debating 202.
"Hey Soni- Wait what's that white stuff on your lips?"
"Oh it's nothing" Sonic looked away meekly.
"Well that's good. For a second there I thought Wolfgang forced you to suck him off again. That's a serious violation of the NAP you know"
"Sonic had to confess the truth of the matter "Yeah he did make me suck him off. I tried reporting it but they told me that men can't be raped. What can ya do?" Sonic shrugged and then winked to the camera.
"Don't worry about it man. I'm working on a plan that ought to bring him down a peg. But I have to keep it on the down low for now, I'll tell you about it later. I gotta bounce so see you tomorrow. I'm not wasting the rest of my day staying here. I have to work on my plane and stuff"
"See you later my dude. Give me a call if you see Knuckles"
It seemed the other people in class got there early and they were already shrieking incomprehensibly and throwing things and calling each other cucks and fascists. In other words the lesson for today was on internet debating techniques. Amy noticed Sonic coming in and yelled "There's that blue cuckhog. What took you so long?"
"It's been a long day Amy give it a rest"
"That's what you kept saying every time as an excuse because you couldn't get it up" The entire class was going wild over her sick burn.
"Well Amy at least I didn't lose my virginity to Doctor Eggman" Now the class was going completely bananas. Tariq the Gorilla was also going bananas but for reasons completely unrelated to the ongoing argument. Sonic however continued on his brutal verbal assault "And also unlike you I don't have a crush on Adolf Hitler you neo-fascist scum. You'll get the bullet one day I can promise you that"
"At least my grandparents didn't work in the chilidog gulags or whatever the hell your grimy communist ancestors did. Also, you're a cuck"
It was no use responding. She called him a cuck and that meant that she won the debate fair and square. Those are the rules these days. Amy Rose celebrated by shouting sieg heil and doing the electric boogaloo dance move. Sonic hadn't felt shame like this since penis inspection day. The cute gym teacher he had a crush on laughed like a hyena because she was one, and she kept going on about how small his penis was as if he didn't know that already. But enough of that character building backstory bullshit. Let's snap back to reality. Sticks the Badger yelled at everyone to shut the fuck up for a moment and she said "It's time for a serious debate. Let's talk about why communism is a failure and why capitalism is superior"
At this point Sonic flipped and he couldn't take it anymore. His unbearable shame turned to frothing rage and his violent urges couldn't be ignored anymore. If they weren't going to be red then they'll be fucking dead is what he decided. So he spin dashed everyone in class to death and did unspeakable things to the corpse of Amy Rose. There was still no sign of Knuckles however.
After this scene of brutality and sadism that would've make Marquis de Sade say "That's a little too much don't you think? Video games probably warped the authors mind if you ask me. We should've banned GTA 3 when we had the chance" Sonic had no choice but to either turn himself in or go to his next class which was Literature 303. After much deliberation on the issue he decided to go to class instead of being bunk mates with a burly echidna. Did you know echidnas have a four-headed penis? Well now you know.
In literature 303 the professor Edna the Kangaroo started off by saying "Today we're going to talk about The Hunger Game series-"
Vladimir the Hedgehog interrupted her "Excuse me. This is the literature class, why are we talking about a YA book?"
"YA is real literature honey. You'll just have to accept that"
Vladimir was so peeved that he nearly threw his fedora away in a fit of rage "What next? Are we going to accept science fiction and fantasy on the curriculum too?"
"Don't be silly dear. Genre fiction is not real literature so you won't have to worry. We'll only accept them if they write YA or they trick us by saying that they're writing magical realism or speculative fiction. It's very important to have that arbitrary distinction to keep those greasy nerds in line you know"
By now Vladimir had calmed down a little "Thank God is what I would say if I weren't an atheist, please continue"
Edna turned to Sonic, noticing the blood smeared all over him "Oh goodness Sonic what's wrong? Are you on your period?"
Sonic simply shook his head in response.
"Well then. Goodness I've become sidetracked. What were we talking about?" Edna's aging and Alzheimer crippled brain strained itself to remember "Oh that's right. We were talking about favorite books. Sonic, what's your favorite book?"
Sonic was used to going fast but now he had to think fast. He couldn't be honest and let out his secret that he was in fact an illiterate like his grandfather. "Oh gee there's so many" By now everyone was staring at him. His knees turned weak and his palms were sweaty but that was probably because he wore gloves all the time, his mind turned to the desecrated corpse of Amy and he blurted out "Mein Kampf! You know, Adolf's prose in that book sure is something. It really inspired me when I was a kid"
The entire class was gasping and couldn't believe his words. Sonic knew he had just committed social suicide in front of these people. But before he had time to ponder the situation some more he got a message from Tails on his pager. It said "Meet me in front of my garage as soon as possible. My plan is ready and it'll be a blast. Trust me"
Rather than stewing in the judgment of these meek liberal pussies he decided to skip class. He ran, and needless to say he ran fast into his shitty 96' Ford Fiesta and hit the road. Crush 40 was blasting loudly and he wondered what Tails had planning. He knew that he had to get there fast though so he took a shortcut by driving on the sidewalk. Running over some pregnant women along the way. Then again maybe if they weren't pregnant they would've been able to get out of the way so it was kind of their fault when you really think about it.
Sonic lost control of his shitty car and crashed into Tails' garage. Thankfully he got out safely though. Tails was smoking a cigarette while waiting for Sonic but quickly threw it away when he noticed the camera crew. "Hey Sonic. What took you so long? And what's with all the blood man? Are you on your period or something?" Sonic and Tails fist bumped
"Nah dude don't worry about it. So what's this big plan of yours? I wanna know"
"I'll tell you in a minute" Tails opened the garage door, revealing his magnificent yellow plane "Isn't she a beauty? I learned how to build it by going on the internet and watching guides on Youtube. School is obsolete man I'm telling you. Anyway we're going to take it for a spin"
"Alright dude. Am I going to stand on top of the wings while we ride it?"
"What are you retarded or something? Who would ride a plane like that? It has two seats so don't worry"
They both got in the plane and muscled every faggy Asian import car off the road before taking off.
Flying around in the air over the big city Sonic once again had to ask "So what's the plan dude?"
"Let me ask you something Sonic. How do you feel about banks?"
"I hate them. They're a symbol of the tyranny of capitalism"
"I thought you'd say that. I know you're a communist after all" Tails smiled cryptically and then continued "Well this bad boy has enough nuclear payload to level every bank in Mobius. I'll make Hiroshima look like a fucking joke in comparison"
"It sounds like a good plan my dude but why are you doing this?"
"I'm going to put the anarchy back into anarcho-capitalism. My coins will spike in value after this" Tails started laughing
"Well you can count me in buddy. By the way, I still haven't seen Knuckles today, have you?"
"Nah man. Maybe he skipped town and forgot to tell us"
The first bomb was dropped while they were over the Mobius National Bank. But at that time Sonic was gripped with panic. He remembered something very important. "Oh shit! Now I remember where Knuckles has been all this time!"
"Where?!"
"He got a job as a teller at the Mobius National Bank!"
They both went silent for a very long time before the silence was interrupted by the bang of nuclear annihilation unleashed in the middle of the city and most importantly the bank.
Sonic broke the silence "Then again, if he works for a bank then he had it coming. Damn capitalist pig!"
"Well man we have some more targets to bomb. We've only just begun"
They went on all night. Unleashing nuclear horror on the capitalists. All in the name of coin.