Authoress' Friend: This is our first fanfic! We use grammer good!
(Authoress hits her)
Authoress: Anyway, do the disclaimer.
Authoress' Friend: We do not own Full Metal Alchemist, any characters, or anything associated with it! Will you be my friend?
(Authoress hits her again)
Authoress: Stop asking that! Ah, I like being evil... Enjoy the fanfic!
Ed: What the . . . ?!? Where the hell are we?
(In the distance they hear evil laughing)
Ed: Huh?
Authoress: Are you not intimidated?
Ed: I've killed stuff, what do you think?
(Silence for about thirty seconds)
Ed: Hey, Al. Why are you so silent?
Al: . . .
Ed: What the . . . ? What have you done to him?
Authoress: Why do you accuse me first?
Ed: You're the one who brought us here right?
Authoress: And what makes you think that? (she says with a not-so-subtle "well duh!" tone to her voice)
(Ed gets annoyed marks on his forehead)
Authoress: Calm down! I just wanted a nice chat…
Ed: Nice chat? Nice chat my ass! I have to go kill some homunculi! Let me go back!!
(Big gold eyes appear out of the black emptiness)
Authoress: Intimidated now?
Ed: No!
Authoress: Okay, I'll just leave you here then! To rot (rust?) in all your Full Metal, small glory!
Ed: WHO DID YOU SAY WAS SMALLER THAN A SPECK OF DUST AND CAN'T BE SEEN EVEN UNDER A MICROSCOPE?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!!!!!
Authoress: You. (Making the eyes disappear as she speaks)
Authoress' Friend: You're being nasty again!!
Authoress: When did you come into this?
Authoress' Friend: I just invited myself in now! You said I could do what I wanted with the story!
Authoress: Damn it! I never should have said that… not to you at least…
(Ed tries to glare at the authoress, then realises how pointless this is as he can't see her anyway, decides to get Al and try to get away from the strange voices, before their sanity is damaged any further)
Authoress: You can't run you know!
Ed: I don't give a damn! I want to do something other than wait here for you to let me go!!
Authoress' Friend: Can we be friends?
(Both Authoress and Ed are stunned silent. Ed stops running.)
Authoress' Friend: Well? Can we?
Ed: Hell no!
Authoress' Friend: Awwww! Why not?
Authoress: You're actually asking that?!
Authoress' Friend: Why shouldn't I?
Authoress: (Sighs and shakes head) Oh! Ed! Just to say, I was shaking my head since you can't actually see.
Ed: . . . oO
Authoress' Friend: Can Al be my friend then?
Al : . . .
Ed : How is he supposed to answer to that when you've made it so he can't speak?!
Authoress : I don't know, maybe he's speaking in a very quiet or pretty much silent language or way so that none or us can hear him.
Ed : I'm supposed to believe this?
Authoress : You better or I will . . . heh heh he . . .
Ed : What?
Authoress : I've just realised that I can do whatever I want with you! I could kill you if I wanted or I could make Al speak! But I'm not going to make him speak. Because it's so much fun to make you mad. In fact I think I might-
Authoress' Friend : I want him to speak, so I can make friends with him! So tough!! Al? Wanna be my friend?
Al : Sure!
Ed : Al! Don't just say sure straight away!
Al : But she was the one that let me speak!
Ed : So? She's friends with the person who wouldn't let you speak and called me a midget!
Authoress : Actually I called you small.
Ed : I don't care! You called me small, midget! Same meaning by the way you used it!
(Ed starts arguing with Al for quite a while and the Authoress beginning to get bored gets mad at her friend)
Authoress : Damn you! This is about as bad as your idea to give us names to make us sound more friendly!
Authoress' Friend : Oh yeah! I'd almost forgotten about that!
(Big grin appears on the face of the Authoress' Friend)
Authoress/Koneko : What are you-
(Authoress pauses, looks at name, then glares at friend)
Koneko : Kitten. You named me . . . kitten.
Ed/Chibi : (Starts laughing at the Authoress' new name then looks at his own.)
Koneko : Before the fireworks start, I'm turning off the volume!
(Chibi starts to shout silently and starts punching the blackness as he tries to attack Koneko and Authoress' friend)
Koneko : Hey! What's your name anyway?
Authoress' Friend : I haven't thought of one for me yet.
(Koneko does an evil grin towards the Authoress' Friend)
Authoress' Friend : Why are you evil grinning at me?
Al/Otouto : Don't hurt her!
(Koneko sees Chibi pointing to his mouth and Koneko assuming that he wants to talk puts the volume back on)
Chibi : Yeah! I wanna kill her first!
Authoress' Friend/Chijin : I think Chibi needs to calm down!
(A bucket full to the brim of water appears above Chibi. Chibi notices and tries to out run the bucket. The bucket just stays above him and then tips over and covers Chibi with water)
Chijin : Hey! What have you done to my name?!
(Chibi glares at Chijin and then starts laughing at her changed name)
Koneko : You changed mine so I changed yours!
Otouto : Hey! Why'd you call me little brother?
Chijin : I thought it was cute!
Chibi : At least it's not as bad as Mini!
Chijin : I though it was funny… hey, guys?
Koneko/Chibi/Otouto : Yeah?
Chijin : What does my name actually mean?
(Koneko and Chibi start laughing at this concept of Chijin not knowing what her name means)
Chijin : Do you even know?
Koneko/Chibi : Of course I do!
(Koneko and Chibi look at Otouto)
Chibi : Do you know what it means?
Otouto : Well . . . no, I don't.
Koneko/Chibi : OO
Chijin : Please! Someone just tell me what my name means!!
Koneko : Idiot.
Chijin : Don't criticise me for not knowing! Just tell me!
Koneko : I just did!
Chijin : (Looks at name then looks back and Koneko.) You're kidding right?
Koneko : Nope!
Chijin : oO;
Otouto : You're not an idiot!
Chijin : Yeah! You're right! I'm gonna go see what it actually means!
(Chijin walks off to find out what her name actually means)
(Silence)
Chibi: It's really quiet when she's not around
Koneko : Yeah, you can't live with her, you can't live without her!
(More silence)
Otouto : You were talking fine before she came in! Why are you so silent now?
Koneko : It's just once she starts to talk that you can't get any good things to say . . . It's weird!
(Even more silence)
Koneko : Right! That's it! I can't take how quiet it is! . . . I know!
(The sound of plastic lightly hitting each other is heard in the background.)
Chibi : What are you doing?
Koneko : Guess!
Chibi : Are you plotting my demise?
Koneko : No! What would make you-
(Stops talking as she remembers all the other stuff that they've done to them)
Koneko : Ah! But it's not that!
(More silence, apart from the light hitting of plastic)
Koneko : Here it is!
Chibi : What are you talking about?
(Music starts to play in background, beginning at a slow pace.)
Otouto : Why do I recognise this?
Koneko : You should!
Otouto : Huh?
(The music plays on a bit, the beat getting faster then calming, then they hear Otouto's voice singing.)
Otouto : Eh! OO
(Chibi starts laughing)
Chibi : It's "Boku Wo Koko Ni Iru"!
Koneko : Yep! I think this song is really good! You sing really well Otouto!
(Otouto acts embarrassed since he can't actually blush being an empty suit of amour.)
(Chijin comes back)
Chijin : I- You shouldn't do that, it's not nice!
Koneko : Well how about-
(Points at track on CD case.)
Chijin : Yes, that's a good idea!
Chibi : What are you planning?!
(Music changes and straight away they hear Chibi's voice singing.)
Otouto : And you laughed at me brother!
Chibi: Where are you getting all these songs!?
Chijin/Authoress: We have our sources…
Ed/Al: Oo
Ed: You can turn it off now
Koneko: No
Chijin: Maybe we should… it isn't that good after all…
Chibi: What!?
Koneko : I think he's a good singer!
Chijin : Yeah. . . But I think Otouto's better! He sounds like himself! Chibi sounds like a girl!
Chibi : Hey!!
Koneko : No Chibi is better! He can go high and that's quite rare and is appreciated when noticed!
Chijin : No Otouto is better!
Koneko : Chibi is better!
Chijin : Otouto is better!
Koneko : Chibi is better!
(Chijin and Koneko are still fighting in the background.)
Otouto : They're fighting over us.
Chibi : This has never happened before apart from the homunculi arguing who kills us! Quick! Let's escape before they realise!
(Chibi and Otouto start running away in a random direction.)
Koneko : Chibi!
Chijin : Otouto!
Koneko : Chibi!
Chijin : Otouto!
Koneko : Chibi!
Chijin : Bye Otouto!
Koneko : Chi- Hey! Wait a minute!
(Looks at them running away and then goes so that the giant eyes appear again right in front of them.)
Koneko : I already told you! You can't run!
(Chibi claps his hands together and hits the floor.)
(Nothing happens.)
Chibi : Huh? Why isn't alchemy working?
Koneko : We took the precaution of alchemy-proofing the room.
Chibi : How can you call this a room?!
(Chijin claps once)
Chijin :
Koneko : What was that for?
Chijin : Chibi just clapped once so I clapped as well!
Koneko : Idiot!
Chijin : Oh yeah!
Koneko : "Oh yeah!" what?
Chijin : I never told you what my name meant!
Koneko : But I already said that it meant idiot!
Chijin : No it doesn't!
Koneko : Fine! What does it mean?
Chijin : Friend!
Koneko : No it doesn't!
(Chijin leaves room.)
(Silence)
Otouto : Wow! It really is quiet when she's not here!
(Chijin comes back in with a Japanese to English dictionary.)
Chijin : See?
(Koneko looks in the dictionary at the place where Chijin opened it and reads that it means idiot and friend)
Koneko : . . . o.O
Chibi : What's wrong? You've gone silent and she's in the room.
(Dictionary poofs in front of Chibi and Otouto.)
(They read it at the place where it is marked.)
Chibi : . . . O.o
Otouto : Where did you get a dictionary anyway?
Chijin : I can make stuff just randomly poof!
Chibi : But did you really need to go away then?
Chijin : . . . well . . . no!
(An awkward silence embraces the large emptiness where they are.)
Koneko : So . . .
(Even more silence hangs over them.)
Chijin : Wow!
Otouto : What it is?
Chijin : We're being so quiet!
Koneko/Chibi/Otouto : --;
(Even more silence.)
Chibi : Are you done with us now?
Koneko/Chijin : Probably!
Chibi/Al : (Look at each other) OO
Al : Hey! My name has changed back again!
Chibi : Hey! What about mine?
Koneko : Heh heh heh he . . .
Chibi : Hey! Change it back! . . . and what was with the evil laughter?
Koneko : What if I don't wanna?
Chibi : What if you don-
Koneko : What if I just send you back with that name, and everyone from that point on will call you Chibi!
Chibi : What the hell are you-
Koneko : What if I do? What difference will it make?
Chijin : I don't think that's very nice you know!
Koneko : You were the one who gave him the flipping name in the first place!!
Chijin : Aaah! You're scaring me!
Al : Don't scare her!
Chijin : I just thought it was cute at the time! But I don't think it's fair for everyone to continue to call him that when it's not his name!
Koneko : I suppose you're right.
Chijin : And I'm going to change it back becau- What?! oo
Koneko : I said you're probably right!
Ed/Al/Chijin : OO
Ed : Hey! It's back! Yeah!
Authoress : Well, I suppose this is it then. I hope you guys learned something!
Ed/Al : oo We were supposed to learn something?
Authoress : No! I just wanted to see your reaction!
Chijin : Hey! How'd you change your name? I didn't do it!
Authoress : I'm the Authoress! I can control anything in here!
Ed : Before this goes anywhere, can you send us back already?
Authoress : Sure!
Chijin : Bye Al! I hope I see you again!
Al : Bye! Me too! I hope I see you again someday as well!
Authoress : Well, see ya!
Ed : Hope I never see you again!
(Ed and Al disappear from the randomness of the big emptiness.)
Chijin : Aww! I'm gonna miss Al-otoutokun! What are you doing?
Authoress : I'm listening to them getting told off by the Colonel! They're now trying to explain where they were!
Chijin : Was this the only purpose of bringing them here?
(Authoress smiles broadly and evilly towards Chijin.)
Chijin : Umm . . . I have to . . . go return the Japanese to English dictionary to the library!
Authoress : But it's not from a library.
Chijin : Really? Never mind!
(Chijin leaves quickly.)
(Authoress turns to face the fan fic readers.)
Authoress : You should do the same you know? We will be back though!!
Fan Fic Readers : --;