Dutchess of the Insects
By Wolf McCloud-123
A/N: If you can figure out what this is parodying, you are awesome.
Also, I have not been writing recently due to writer's block and a ton--LITERALLY--of homework. I know it's a lame reason, but... it's true.
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Sora looked around. He did not know the time, nor did he know the date. All he knew was that he had been on the small island for perhaps a week, perhaps a month--but time betrayed him, especially when his watch broke.
He poked around at a crab with a stick he'd found somewhere or other. Had it really been a week...? Nah. It seemed much longer than that.
Of course, now may be the time to explain why in the world he was on this island, and why he had been there for a week or month. You see, it was because, one day, when he and his friends were frolicking on the island... the boats weren't tied up right.
So they all drifted away in the tide.
And out of fear of the possibility of shark- or squid-attacks, nobody dared to swim back for help. It was almost ludicrous to even think of that. In fact, Wakka did, but then Tidus and Selphie beat him up for it.
They had set up a sort of civilization with what little they had--Riku was the chief, and the rest were his 'followers' of sorts, meaning that they had to do what he said or else. And when Riku said 'or else', he usually meant that he'd take you into a dark alley, beat you up, steal your lunch money, laugh at you, beat you up some more, and then walk off and tell the police that someone randomly assaulted you out of the blue and you would be too scared to tell anyone that it was Riku and not some random assailant.
No, I'm kidding. He wouldn't do that much. Gosh.
'Or else' usually just meant a good slap in the face and a lecture on why we do this and why we do that.
And going to other worlds.
Oh, nobody even liked to get the idea to start that crap. Selphie had asked Riku about it, and two hours later they were still listening to him babble on about how they could possibly lash two sea turtles together with human hair and ride them to another world. However far-fetched that was, he then claimed that Pirates of the Caribbean stole his idea.
So now Sora brooded over these events as he poked at the crab, that then burrowed itself in the sand to avoid the pointy stick of death and pain.
"I'm bored," he finally sighed, then stood up. He was also hungry, and tired, and a little dehydrated, so he decided to raid their food storages and maybe take a nap after he was done.
'Food storage', you ask? Well, after some exploration of the back of the island, it was learned that there was a small herd of pigs that resided in the somehow-heavily-wooded area back there. So they had been hunting and gathering meat; and it was discovered that paopu fruit made a surprisingly good sauce when mixed with the porker's fat.
And who led these hunts?
Riku.
In fact, Sora didn't do any of the hunting. He just hung around with Kairi and Wakka because, apparently, Riku didn't want 'quitters' and 'losers' in his group, but he also added that if Kairi ever wanted to be on their side of the island, she was welcome to come, so long as neither Sora nor Wakka were around.
So Sora had given up hunting after he got distracted by a fish, but hey--it was a fish. And so Wakka couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with anything but a blitz ball, but hey... nope, I got nothing.
As for Kairi, she was... she... uh... she didn't like killing the pigs. And she was kinda slow, too, speed-wise, so it was a dumb idea for her to go hunting with them. She claimed it was because she was a 'girl', but then, Selphie was hunting just fine on the other side of the island.
Of course, that was probably because Selphie was a hyperactive squirrel most of the time.
Sora, after only two minutes (but that narrative takes up half a page), reached the food storage after what seemed like an hour. Night was soon approaching and Wakka suffered night-terrors if he didn't have his night-light. So they used the reflection from Sora's bling to start a fire. It seemed ridiculous, but it worked, so whatever.
"Hey, mon," Wakka said in that stereotypical Jamaican-Persian accent that I swear his Kingdom Hearts voice actor couldn't get down, "how you been?"
"I've been better," Sora sighed. He flopped down on the sand beside Wakka. "Wakka, do you ever think we'll get off this island?"
"Oh, yah mon!" the red-head replied optomistically. "You just gotta look on deh bright side'ah things, ya know?"
"I guess you're right. Say, where's Kairi?"
"Beats me."
Meanwhile...
Kairi felt her forehead. It was soaked with sweat and she had quite a fever. Then again, just sitting in that clearing that had blinding sunlight pouring into it probably wasn't helping much. She blinked, her eyelids heavy, and glanced at the pig's head propped on a stick. Its mouth was slightly open, as were its eyes, and it looked like it was smiling an eerie smile.
Now, now, kiddie, don't stare, it's rude, the head mocked.
Kairi didn't answer, but groaned to herself.
They all think you're weird, you know, the head continued. All of them, every last one of them... except Riku. But you don't want that crazy mofo all up in your cornbread, do you? I know I wouldn't. But then again, if he didn't have such a horrible fashion sense, he'd be half-decent, you know.
"Wh... huh?" Kairi asked, feeling light-headed and dazed.
Nothing, nothing. The rhythamic buzzing of the flies around them accented these words. You know, you may want to consider that spiky-haired freak. I mean, even the guy with the weird curly thing would be better than that chap-wearing fruit cup.
"Riku's not that bad," the girl said hoarsely. She was really thirsty...
Oh, I know he's not gay, said the Dutchess of the Insects. But it's so fun to question people's sexuality.
"...Crazy mirages," Kairi sighed, standing up. She swayed a little, then started hobbling out of the clearing. Twilight was ebbing away now--the last bit of the sun was barely touching the horizon. She looked to her left, where something quite startling made her sober up immediately.
The skeleton of some sort of... small... giant mouselike creature was slung clumsily in the branches of a nearby tree. A parachute was attached to its shoulders, and it was pulled in the wind. Kairi blinked a few times, then yanked the bones out of the tree, where it drifted off on the wind when the parachute filled up. She watched it go and felt sick.
"Well, now I know what causes Wakka's night-terrors," she muttered. "And I can tell everyone so they don't beat him up anymore..."
Meanwhile...
Riku looked at his 'tribe' (although it was like... three people) and smiled approvingly. The pig had been thouroughly cooked, the invitations were made out... now all that was left was actually inviting everyone to this grand feast of awesomeness.
They would sure appreciate him after this!
While he hated to bring Sora and Wakka over here, it was all part of his master plot to harness the source of fire from their more friendly, diplomatic counterparts that were sharing this tract of land in the middle of nowhere. He almost cackled sinisterly, but stopped himself because he didn't really want to creep Selphie and Tidus out.
...Or DID he?
BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM!
"Are the invitations sent?" he asked Tidus, who nodded.
"Yep, sent 'em on a carrier seagull," he said proudly.
"Fool!" Riku snapped. "Seagulls don't carry messages! That's pigeons!"
Tidus smacked his forehead and smiled as it donned on him. "OOOOOOH! So that's why it didn't look like that bird I saw on an AnimalPlanet special!"
"Yeah, genius."
"Don't worry, chief," Selphie said, saluting. "I made copies and already delivered them in case something like this happened!"
"Good work," Riku praised her. "You're promoted to Assistant Vice Presidential Cheif of State."
"Yippee!" Selphie cheered, jumping into the air a few times in her joy.
"You're demoted to your previous position."
"Aww..."
He turned around and looked in the direction that Sora and the others would be entering from. He smiled. "Now, we wait..."
Some time later...
"Wow, I didn't think it would be so nice here," Sora said. "I thought you were all... you know... savages."
"Oh, heavens no!" Riku scoffed. "We're as civilized as civilization could be! Isn't that right, guys?"
Selphie and Tidus nodded enthusiastically but unconvincingly.
"Say, where's Kairi?" Riku asked after a somewhat awkward silence transpired.
"Beats me," Sora said with a shrug, taking a big ol' bite of his pig femur.
Meanwhile...
Kairi stumbled through the foliage. She could smell smoke and food, but she couldn't find it... She knew it was somewhere... Oh! Maybe the fire should've tipped her off.
"Guys! Hey guys!" she called, running toward them.
Riku had pulled out a guitar and they were currently having a singalong to a mix of Kumbayah and Home on the Range. And he had a big guitar solo...
...he wanted to make it flashy...
...and he swung his guitar...
...behind his back...
...with enough momentum to be like three bricks...
...it slipped out of his hand...
...and...
WHAM!
They heard a dull thud from behind and all stared in horror at the unmoving... thing... that was a big black blot on the sand just outside of the light. A faint whisper that sounded suspiciously like 'guys' could be heard before it was silent. The children glanced at each other a few times, then Riku hastilly and embarrassedly pushed the thing into the water, where it drifted away in the rip-tide.
"Well, that... that was the thing causing your night-terrors, Wakka!" Riku laughed. "Your 'beast'. Are you happy? I killed it for you."
"Gee, thanks, mon," Wakka said tearfully. "You... you guys don't know how much dis means to me!"
Then Riku swung around and snatched Sora's bling from around his neck.
"Ah!" Sora cried in surprise.
"Deh bling!" Wakka cried also in surprise.
"Haha, suckers," Riku laughed triumphantly, then he and his 'tribe' retreated to the nearby treehouse and kicked down the ladder so as to prevent intrusion.
"Those... those dirty little... RAH!" Sora screamed, kicking the fire nearby and spreading ashes and flaming pieces of wood everywhere. "Come on, Wakka, we're gonna make 'em pay!"
"I think we should discuss dis all, mon," Wakka said. "You know, find a reason why dey did it."
"They did it because they're jerks!"
"Well I mean besides that."
So they trudged up to the treehouse, and lifted the ladder back into place, then ascended it with Wakka at his heels. As they entered the treehouse, Selphie and Tidus pointed spears at them.
"Out of our fort!" Riku snapped. "No girls allowed!"
"You let Selphie in."
"So?" He glared at Sora, then continued. "Get out! You're not welcome here, you losers!"
"Riku, you've been slowly going insane ever since we got stuck here," Sora said. "Just... just go back to being the normal guy I remember!"
"No way, José," Riku scoffed, then kicked the ladder again.
Sora just managed to grip onto a board nearby that was sticking out, but Wakka, in his surprise, gripped the ladder in terror as he crashed back to the ground. Sora watched the pieces of his friend carried off into the sea, dumbfounded, mouth agape.
"You... you killed him..."
"It was an accident."
"You're a--" And he wanted to scream every profanity he knew, but he never got the chance, because at that moment his mom woke him up.
"Sora, it's time to get up," his mom said. She frowned. "My, you look like you had a nightmare!"
"Yeah! I sure did!" Sora said, his eyes wide and lost. "I had a dream where... where Riku had a guitar... and he swung it... and he hit Kairi in the head... and he killed Wakka and it was horrible!"
"Oh, honey, it was only a dream. Now get dressed, it's time for school."
"Y...yeah..."
He looked out his window at the island in the distance.
Well.
He sure knew that he'd avoid that for a while.
THE END