Deeper

Chapter 1

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

Caleb Hawke sat back in the worn, wooden chair in Varric's private rooms at the Hanged Man. He inhaled deeply, instantly regretting it as the room, even with the incense Varric kept lit, the air was still saturated with alcohol and piss. The mage wondered how Varric loved this place so much, or why he didn't live with his brother, Bartrand. Well, maybe that was a topic for another day. He ran his fingers through his shaggy, black hair in aggravation. They were so close to having enough for the Deep Roads Expedition.

"It'll be okay, Hawke. I'll look into some more jobs for us. There's got to be someone out there crazy enough to hire you," the dwarf said with a playful expression dancing about his eyes.

Hawke merely looked at the other, the deep black tattoo over his right eye making his green eyes stand out even more as they sent daggers into the dwarf.

"Kidding, kidding! Boy, what's gotten into you tonight?" Varric asked as he chugged a bit of his ale. Seemed like it was going to be a long night with the grumpy mage.

"Anders…Fenris…Carver… Need I go on?" the human's deep baritone ticked off the names one by one, adding more irritation to the mage's tone each time.

Varric merely cringed at the reminder. Anders and Fenris were always at each other's throats and Carver was there to be a thorn in Hawke's side, per request of Leandra, who couldn't bear Carver to be left to his own devices after "he'd been through so much." And Varric thought he had family issues…

Hawke straightened up in his seat, figuring he'd be getting no other comments from the dwarf. "Well, I think I should be going home, before Mother decides a band of thugs have murdered me in the streets."

"Murdered you? Does she not understand how dirty you fight?"

Hawke stood up, stretching his arms up to the ceiling for a momently. "Clearly not…"

Caleb had returned to the hovel he called home, sharing it with Gamlen, Carver and his mother. He retreated into the backroom, noticing that his mother, and Carver were already in bed. Using the orange glow of the fire, he slipped out of his clothing and into bed. Honestly, he had never been so uncomfortable in his life. The bed was itchy and he could feel the bugs he slept with crawling. He didn't know if it was just him, or if everyone else had just gotten used to it. He looked over at his mother. How was she used to this after all she had had before? Did she feel that this was some kind of punishment of which she had to take? Caleb hoped not. He'd forever feel guilty for not doing something more…

But really, what else more could he do? He was raising money to go on an expedition to hopefully buy back the estate and get her into clothes of fine silks and purple dye again. Having had enough of the bugs, he jumped up from his cot and shook himself, swatting at his body to make sure no bugs were still on him. He shook out his clothing and put it all back on. He'd had enough of this.

Caleb left the house, not before grabbing his staff, Freedom's Promise. He walked out into the night, smelling the sulfur laced within the air from the mines. He'd hope they'd make enough coin soon and get out of this place. Doubt crossed into the mage's mind as he thought about turning up empty handed. No, he wouldn't let that happen. He'd search down there alone if he had to… He'd find something to bring back to his mother and get her out of where she was now.

Left to his thoughts, his feet dragged him to Anders' Clinic even before he'd noticed the sky had grown extremely dark. Caleb looked up at the lanterns, smiling smugly. Anders was subtly showy in a way, about his healing. He walked in, wondering if the other mage would even be awake at this time of night. Not exactly to Hawke's surprise, there was the mage, awake and healing someone who looked to have gotten into some kind of brawl.

"Keep a cool rag on it to keep the swelling down," the blonde mage said to the man he'd just healed. "It should be fine in a few days. If it starts pussing, come back to me as soon as possible."

Caleb sported a crooked smile as he approached his friend, receiving an exhausted smile back.

"Hawke, what brings you about here tonight?" Anders asked as he sat down on one of his cots wearily.

"Bugs," Caleb answered. "Galmen's home is infested with them…"

Anders smiled, motioning for the man to sit on the adjacent cot. "I've been thinking…about the Deep Roads…"

Caleb settled on the other cot, at least it wasn't bug infested… He furrowed his brow for a moment, waiting for what the other had to say.

"Who are you taking?"

"I…haven't really thought about it yet," Hawke answered earnestly. "I know Varric, for sure. Merrill, doesn't seem like she wants to go. I don't blame her for it-"

"Have you thought about me at all?"

Caleb looked up from his hands, his brow creasing more as he weighed the sentence. It sounded simple enough, as if the other mage was asking how he was being considered in the situation, but something felt like the words fell heavy with other pieces, like another sentence completely…

"You didn't seem like you wanted to go either. You're always on about how you hate the "blasted Deep Roads." I guess… I assumed." Caleb fiddled with his staff, tying the rock tighter against the twisted branch it lay against. "Do you want to come?"

Anders sighed, his face falling sullen. Caleb was right; there had been another motive to the question. He just hoped that Anders wouldn't bring it up. "Are you bringing Fenris?"

Hawke's eyes rounded in astonishment. He had figured on asking Fenris, mostly because he knew out of everyone, Fenris was the most capable hand with a sword, and the most fearless. He was always easy on the eyes… Caleb blinked the image out of his mind. He wouldn't think about his fantasies about the elf here, not in his present company. "Yes, I did think about bringing him."

Anders nodded curtly, standing up and beginning to pace.

Hawke's bright green eyes watched the other, knowing full well he was irritated. "Anders…"

"No, it makes all the logical sense in the world. He's strong; he's proven loyal to you, despite his not-so-quiet hate of all mages. I did mention "all" right?"

Caleb rolled his eyes. He regretted coming here… This was turning completely sour, fast. "I'm well aware on his take of mages, Anders. But he's not once turned his back on me."

"He feels he owes you something. Once that's been paid, do you think he'll stay? He's a hunted slave, Hawke! He's edgy as it is. He won't stay."

The words were…logical, to Caleb. He sighed heavily, not wanting to admit that Anders had a point, but his sigh was indication enough, as he noticed the small smile tick at the corner of Anders' mouth. "Then he comes into the Deep Roads with me, and then he's free to do whatever he wants when we're finished." Hawke stood from the cot, not saying goodbye or even offering a nod. He exited the clinic, wishing he didn't want to see that elf so badly now…

Anders grit his teeth together. How could Hawke be so blind? The elf hated mages, Hawke was a mage. He took a deep breathe calming himself. He hated that elf. If it weren't for him… Maybe things with Hawke could be different. The blonde mage lay down on the cot Hawke had just occupied, closing his eyes and wishing that he wouldn't wake up in the morning…

Hawke fidgeted around at the front of the mansion of which Fenris had been staying. It belonged to Danarius still, but Hawke understood why Fenris stayed here. He put up his hand to knock several times, but each time backed away. He felt nervous tonight. Maybe it was the conversation he and Anders had. That crazy mage did have a point… Fenris would have no reason to stay here after the Deep Roads expedition. Hawke had flirted with the elf a few times, and it wasn't that Fenris didn't seem put off at all, in fact, he had even said he'd "practice his flattery for Hawke's next visit." A bit of hope stirred in Caleb's stomach. He certainly wished that wasn't just Fenris' way of saying politely, "get out, you creep."

He turned from the door, feeling like he'd just go and pass out at the Hanged Man after having too much to drunk, but the click of a door caused him to freeze.

"Hawke? What's wrong?" That deep, rugged voice was a notch higher than usual, as if concern and caring were laced into each thread of sound. Hawke wanted to smile, if he didn't feel so defeated already.

The mage turned around to face the tanned elf, feeling his heart lunge at the elf. He had wanted him since the day he met him. At first, it was entirely based on looks. Fenris was extremely good looking, and those eyes were like planets, with their own gravitational pull. Hawke wanted to be pulled in. It got worse when he saw how the elf moved. Each sway of the hip, each throw of the sword, it aroused Hawke in ways he wished couldn't happen on a battlefield. Reason number one for Hawke's lesser moments? Fenris' greater moments…

"Come in?" Fenris asked, moving out of the doorway so Hawke could step inside.

Caleb nodded, his throat suddenly going dry as he was at a loss for words. He was also trying to "contain himself" as well.

Fenris led them into the lounge, motioning for Hawke to sit in a plush armchair by the fire. Fenris opting for the simpler of the two chairs. He sat with his elbows upon his knees as he leaned forward to Hawke. "I watched you debate about knocking…"

Caleb laughed awkwardly, going to scratch at the back of his neck. "Oh you saw that? I was just…I didn't know if you were going to be awake or not."

"Courtesy, I see." Fenris looked away, but something seemed sad by his expression. Caleb wanted to ask, but his tongue swelled again.

The mage cleared his throat, fidgeting in the chair. "I…" He wanted to venture into the unknown, he truly did, but as much as he wished he could, he'd already accepted defeat. Anders was right… Anders seemed to always be right… "Wanted to talk to you about the Deep Roads."

Fenris' expression changed, his eyes becoming for sharp and focused. "Ah, I see. What of them? Have you neared the coin you need?"

"Just about. Varric thinks one or two other good jobs and we'll be set. He's looking for some work tomorrow. Isabela has also been collecting money… but how she's been dumping it on Varric daily, I'm not entirely sure."

"Pickpocketing…" Fenris answered simply. "She told me about it. She also said that if she does this, she feels no loyalty to being forced down there. She'd rather not."

"Well…is it wrong of me to be okay with her stealing money?"

"Maybe? But I'll not judge you." The pair shared a warm smile, only listening to the sound of the fire cracking and sizzling as it lapped at the logs it slowly consumed.

Caleb cleared his throat, straightening up in his chair. "Well, then I guess I'll just take the coin and be fine with it…"

"I assumed you'd have no issue. She'd asked me not to tell you, but…"

"You two see each other a lot?" Hawke asked, praying Fenris didn't see his double-sided question.

"Only when I go to play cards with Varric. The way she looks at me sometimes is…offputting."

Hawke settled into his seat, feeling a bit more relaxed.

"But what did you come here to talk about specifically? Involving the Deep Roads?" Fenris asked.

"Well, I've been giving thought to my team. Varric, clearly, Anders…somewhat suddenly decided he wants to go, and, I was hoping you'd come as well?"

"I told you-"

"I'm asking if you want to, not if you feel obligated to."

Fenris pulled his legs up into the chair as he rested his chin on his knees. It was the most innocent demeanor Caleb had ever seen sprout from the elf. He wanted to place the tiniest of kisses on that nose, and over those eyelashes…

"I don't feel obligated. You've…become a friend of mine, and I want to prove that to you. You have my sword, I'll protect you down there."

Caleb smiled, enjoying the silence for a moment; he saw the other fidgeting within his curled up self. He wondered what was going through Fenris' mind at that moment. "Thank you, Fenris."

The elf stood up in the blink of an eye, a hint of a smile playing at his features. "It's late…"

Caleb felt his heartstrings pull. Well, it was late, and he was sure Fenris was tired. He stood up as well, offering out his hand. "Good night then."

Fenris looked at the offer, and then shook Hawke's hand, nodding. In that small contact, he felt sparks surge from where they touched, leading down to somewhere he'd rather not think about. He broke off the handshake before Caleb could, pulling his hands away. "Stay safe, Hawke."

"Stay out of trouble, Fenris…" Caleb said over his shoulder as he made his way to the door.

"I hang around you don't I? Troubles where it's fun!" Fenris called back, feeling delighted with his own strike of humor.

Caleb turned around, flashing a large smile, then turning back to the door and exiting. He felt successful. When it's just the two of them, things seem right. Fenris is almost an entirely different person when not in a crowd, or being backed into a corner by Anders. Maybe he wouldn't be leaving… Just maybe, Caleb could convince him to stay…