(I thought I was no one
My life was complete lonliness
But then, one day, I discovered, that I was a man)
So you may have noticed, that I, Chiba Mamoru, teased
an odango'd
girl, without mercy. She
seemed to hate it. But a part of me, told me that she
didn't. And I
teased her...because I loved
her....so very, very much......
Would you care to hear about my story on my
Usako.....and how she
saved my life?
********************************************************
Fall....1999....
My name was Chiba Mamoru. That's the name that I went
by. I don't
know to this day whether it's my real
name...well..actually, I do. My
real name is Endymion. I never remembered ever being
happy. I knew
I
must have been happy for a time,because my heart told
me that I once
had very loving parents. When I was seven, my parents
were killed
and
so was I. You see,a certain part of me died along with
my parents; I
know that...for a fact...even though I didn't really
know them...or
at least any longer. After our automobile crash, I
formed amnesia. I
didn't receive any brain dammage...but the experience
of my parents
dying and experiencing such a grim night, I formed
amnesia; my
subconscience didn't want to ever remember that
night...and in result
the memory of my parents dying and all other memories
of them, were
wiped away...seemingly forever.
I was never really happy. I thought something was
always missing and
the people in the orphanage who worked there and even
the kids,
weren't very nice to me. I have no idea why they
didn't like me; in
the beginning I was very nice to everyone. I just
craved attention. I
was very helpful to children and I even smiled a
lot..but still...no
one liked me. It's a very hard feeling to
experience...lonliness. I
felt so hurt..and so alone in the world. I started
locking myself in
my room...having hardly any contact with any one.
Instead of people
trying to help me..a poor and lonely boy, they just
left me alone and
made my heart hurt even more.
My heart learned to toughen up...though, I was never
really mean. I
was just distant. Is there any harm with that...I
didn't want people
to get to know me a little and then disregard me, like
I was trash. I
didn't want to get hurt, ever. My wounded heart from
my childhood
never healed. I craved this feeling, however...I
didn't want to be
alone any longer..but then, I did! Lonliness is a bad
thing...it's a
horrible thing to experience...but so is getting hurt.
What if I
tried to get to know someone..but then it didn't work
out...that
would be another rejection. I didn't want rejections.
I couldn't
handle it.
But when I was 19, I one day realized that I had a
friend. It
bewildered me. I had a friend..well..sort of. There
was this guy that
I would talk to in the local arcade. He treated me
like everyone
else..but he was a special guy who took the time to
help others...he
was a generally happy person and he wanted everyone to
be happy.
Each day I went there with my troubled face, he would try
and cheer me up...eventually, I let myself get cheered up. I
learned what it was like..to smile. He helped me a little. He was sorta a
friend...he
was...Motoki. His eyes were a deep emerald color..and
he had shiny
blond hair..and he seemed like the typical 'boy next door.' He wasn't
handsome..but was..cute..I guess...I mean, all the
girls flocked to him...he was kind..helpful..and not conceited...he was
an ok guy. My sorta friendship..bewildered me, however. It was so
new...I felt like I gave an itty bitty piece of myself to Motoki..and I
wasn't ready to do that...I felt strange..friendship..feelings...sorta
caring for someone..what a scarry feeling...
Two days later, I met Usa.
(I found that I was alive
I found that I had a heart somewhere
I found...that you made me a man)
My first conversation was quick. I acted
ok...To anyone who may have seen me on that day, would
have said that I wasn't affected by her. But If you could read people
right..If you could tell how special Usa was...If you could just
feel who she was,
you would know she was very special. And If you could
read me...which all you had to do..was use an itty bit of your
heart..to sense how I was, you would know how lonely I was..and how perfect
were were for each other...Usa..was perfect for me...even though we got into an
arguement,I knew Usa didn't put her heart into arguments..and in the
back of my heart, I knew she didn't like fights..and I knew..she
didn't nor ever would..mean anything in our 'fights' together..with
each other. She was a very kind person. I wasn't. I
had dark hair and
I wasn't happy. She had light hair and she was happy.
I was a dark cloud..and she was the sun...I was drawn to her....and
a part of me..fell in love with her...that one day..that first
day...so cute, I thought..so happy...so unique...that was my Usa.
My first words to my Usa...were:
"That hurt, Dumpling head!"
and her fist words back....
"I'm sorry."
I barely heard her...because I was focusing at that
thing she threw at my head. Usa had thrown her crumpled test paper at
me. To prolong staying with her, I commented on her bad grade..and it was bad...and I was concerned...only I didn't realize it 'til
much...much later...heck, I didn't realize what Usa meant to me..really...until
the day that I first died, as Chiba Mamoru.
I was on the side walk..on one of Tokyo's busier streets. I was walking
behind a cute looking...14 or so..year old. She looked cute enough from behind. I felt a little weird..being behind
this girl...and..that scared me. I had felt compelled to talk with her.
After something of her's hit my head...my heart said
'here's my chance.'
My brain...did not say what a part of me was...-I
suppose, now, that it
was my heart....or maybe it was my soul...Because, an
itty-bitty part of
me..that weird part...that lonely part of
Mamoru..-said "I love you." *I
didn't pay much attention to that voice that day...but
later on...I started to analyze that voice....*My brain told me
mouth to say something completly different, however.
Remember...?...I told you that I had commented on her
lousy grade...
********************************************
"Thirty Percent...?..You can do better than that,
Dumpling Head." My voice was a little cold...the girl could have done
better...yes, the
beautiful..and cute...girl, could have done better. I was experiencing
one of those times...kinda like you know something...but then...you're
denying knowing that something...It's all very confusing. I was very
confusing..hell...I was a little cold...and..
stiff..to anyone who looked at me...but I was a torn man. I was a man who was in love. My heart did flip-flops..but I pushed that feeling away...cold,
horrible men don't fall in love....they can't. They shouldn't.
"What business of it is your's, anyways?" The petite
girl retorted at me.
Now, I guess I deserve that. But I wasn't about to say
that I'm sorry...I only say sorry If I have to..and those are
bull...ahem, crud apologies....I say I'm sorry..so I won't get fired or
anything...and with
her.. I thought...why should I show any emotion to her...I wasn't
caring..I wasn't supposed to be...But remember..I'm not a mean guy..If
I told her I'm sorry, I would have lost a piece of my
soul to her....she had this bewitching power...besides..I felt drawn to
where I was...I think part...well..I know know...part of it was
because of her..but part of
it was because of the...weird feeling I felt there.
*******************************
Now..I'm telling you....don't forget this.......Just
like I just told you...I
liked her....
I *knew* that I liked the girl; I just wasn't ready to
admit it. I didn't admit
how much..but I liked Odango. She was cute, anyone
could see that.
She was special,too. All of her friends spoke of how
kind she was and
when we fought Fiore they reflected on how she had
helped each of
them. Usa was kind. I knew she was a kind
person....even though she
wasn't 'kind' to me. After I said that she could do
better..and I believed
she could...she went into a hissy fit and left me. She
said to herself
that I was weird...weird...?...no...I Chiba Mamoru am
not weird...only
lonely....
Well, actually, I was weird. That morning, I woke up
and I felt weird. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I wasn't myself and
that I wouldn't be until I found something...no..someone. I knew in my heart that I had a destiny and a mission...to find someone..I just didn't
know how or when....and then...that afternoon, I was drawn to
OSAP. It was a nice jewerly store and that was where I met Usa. Something
had drawn me there..I could sense this weird feeling there. That night, I felt like I had actually gone in and did something there...very strange.
Later on, I found out that I was a hero...of sorts...I could sense evil and
throw magical roses and I fought using my cane. My purpose seemed
to have been to help a young heroine named Sailor Moon. She was
cute...utterly adorable. She had light blond hair and gorgeous baby
blue eyes. She was small and petit...and was just...kwaii...I felt an urge
to protect her...so I helped her fight and tried to give her confidence.
Later on, I would find out that she was Usagi...but
Usagi was totally
different than Sailor Moon.
Sailor Moon was nice enough..and cute enough...and
caring enough...but she was just different from Usagi. Now, I had thought
they were two different people for a while...I had helped Sailor
Moon in OSAP. She was scared and crying...and like I felt an urge to protect
her. I came to her rescue; I had helped her out. I felt connected to
her..but It wasn't that hard to leave her. I didn't feel as quite a big
of urge to stay with her..as I did with Usagi..call it weird...I mean,
I should have had
a bigger urge to stay with her...I MEAN the poor kid
was with zombie kids who wanted her dead..and some kind of
freaky....dead...?..thing! Sailor Moon may have been scared a lot but to stay and
to battle made her brave. I admired her more and more each day when
she would tough it out..and try and be better and stronger. She had a lot
of potential. I think the third recruit, Mars, saw that too. Rei had
shown a sort of
'tough love' with Usagi...*hmm...my Usa.*
Sailor Moon was just different from Usagi...or
Usa...As Usa...she was more vibrant...more colorful..more cheerful...more
alive. I had fallen in love with both of them....that very
first day.
A part of me adknowledged that. And then, a part of me
denied that. My
whole self...*as a whole* knew there was something
special about
Usa...and something special about Sailor Moon.
If you think...that I didn't like
Odango....Dumpling...you were very
wrong. I may have been a little cold...or a little
gruff..but when you
love someone...when you fall in love with
someone...and you don't know
why or how...and when you feel like you shouldn't
deserve to fall in
love...when you've become so introverted...that you
learn to *guard
yourself..* when you're the only person that loves
you...the only person
who's special to you..*and let me tell you...I didn't
think I was even
too special..,* you become afraid of love. You become
afraid of that
person you love...and...
YOU ACT STUPID....
or mean. I suppose that I really could have hurt Usa's
feelings..maybe I
did...but I knew that what she yelled at me..she
didn't mean...and that
made me the happiest person at times.....
And if you people think that I didn't fall in love
with Usa..until I
found out that she was Sailor Moon....*which wouldn't
be..because I
loved Usa more..* or that I didn't really..or
even..love her, 'til we
found we were destined to be together....or that I
didn't fall in
love..completely..until that day I was killed...as
Mamoru..or...Chiba
Mamoru....then..you're sadly mistaken.
The day I fell in love with Tsukino
Usagi...Usa...Dumpling Head....my
Usako*My little bunny..* was a whole month before I
died......
I almost told Usa everthing that night..and maybe
in..*some* sort of
way...I did....
(My very soul.
My very essence.
Those very things I never had..
That I always had missing..
You gave to me..
**You were a thief...who turned 180 and gave me my
heart
my soul..my life..and your love.**
********
It was a full moon...it was a little after
midnight.....
and I heard Usa's voice...
"Mamoru?" So softly she spoke...
(Lighted by the light
Of the blessed moonlight
You are gorgeous
You seem eternal
Angel..you are!)
A part of me had known that first day, that no one
could hold a candle to Usa's beauty. Really, it's the
truth. Usa
was young and looked young too, but still her young
face and body made her far more beautiful than any
other
woman.
I did not realize that Usagi was beautiful that
first day. I realized it, actually, one night when
she was Sailor Moon.
I had thought Sailor Moon had looked so serene and
heavenly one night...And I had learned how beautiful
my
Usagi..my Usa..My Usako was. One night after a younma
attack, I gazed at her...and my breath caught! She was
so
perfect...and so small..Her hair was the brightest
yellow...like a golden coin..her hair was a beautiful
golden maine..it
was illuminated by the moonlight. Her eyes were the
darkest shade of azure..Usa had looked so beautiful...
(Angel, I know you are
You are so heavenly,
I'm almost afraid to look..
At you
So pretty,
Just so pretty..)
*If ever a man was so in love....*
I had my eyes glued to Usagi.
My heart had told my head a clear
chunk of words: a poem...
Oh Gods, it was so beautiful...
But the real shocker, was: Usagi had heard it!
I knew she had heard it. I could just tell...
"I...heard...you...Mamoru?! She was a little scared..I
could *just* tell...My poor..poor...Usako...She must
have been
wondering what kind of freak was I...
I had no facade on...She only glanced at me a moment
longer after she had said that. I took in what she was
wearing..a blue nightgown...a light shade..so
pretty..that only the blue shade of her eyes were a
prettier blue...
But a moment after my face showed true emotion...I
masked myself.
You..well..I couldn't imagine what she must have
felt...All I knew is that she couldn't love me..she
shouldn't..and she
shouldn't feel sorry for me...
So..Mamoru-baka..the college bastard..took his
place..Usa..could..*never* know...
"Heard what..Dumpling?" My voice was pretty
monotone..as usual. *Good.* My eyes showed
annoyance...*good..*
"Don't tell my you're pyschotic,
D-U-M-P-L-I-N-G..."*good..* "..H-E-A-D..." I gave her
a sly smile...and then I tossed my
head up..and laughed...
I don't know why my mind said that...I always teased
her...Always a part of my mind said she was just some
annoying
girl...How could I love the Dumpling...I wasn't
nice...I was never...*me..*..I wasn't happy like she
was...Never..before..had a part of mine said that I
liked the Rabbit of the Moon...
I didn't understand it that night at all...nothing was
really different...about her..about
me...why..why...did my mind say
that...why...did my *heart* say that...
That night..I didn't know my heart had said that...I
didn't even know I had a heart...
Maybe it was the beauty Usa had...for she didn't look
cute like she normally did...she looked beautiful..or
maybe it
was the moonlight...I wasn't sure It was a full
moon..but it looked like it could have been...
But for some reason...my heart told me that
night..that I was in love with the Rabbit..
I then had a dilemma...I then realized..that I *may*
have been in love with Tsukino Usagi...
"But it's not possible." I said..walking home that
night...
(What do you do to me..
Could you be a witch, too?
You're twisting my heart
With your invisible hands..)
(You make me hungry..
But I couldn't..just couldn't..
Say: "I want you.." and stay...
I am not suppossed to love..
I am unworthy of love..
I should just run away..
far into the night..
Away from you; away from love..)
*******************
God knows what Usa had thought when I treated her bad.
I don't know why she had wondered to where I was. Did
she run
away? No..she was in her nightgown. Did she have a bad
dream? Maybe.
She shouldn't have been out. Tokyo is huge..and she is
so little, but I wasn't supposed to care. Why should I
have cared about
a little annoying girl.."Dumpling Head!"
I had told her she was crazy for hearing what I
thought. She wasn't...but I hope she thought that -I
hope....I hope that she was
mad at me..I hope she thought it was all her
imagination...after all..Mamoru-baka...didn't like
her...he couldn't possibly like
her...!
(I am a chicken...that cannot run.
I feel like I'm frozen..
I guess, I will learn of love...
And cry when I give my heart to you...
Even though I've always wanted love..)
****One month earlier...***
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" A girl named Tsukino
Usagi...screached. "DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT BAKA
HERE!"
"Oh..Usagi. Stop being so childish when it comes to
Mamoru-san." A raven haired yelled. Her hair was the
darkest
black..with beautiful deep plum purple highlights. Her
eyes..were a deep violet. Hino Rei was one of Tsukino
Usagi's
friends...Usagi...was a girl..with a man..problem.
"Rei-chan..I cannot stand him. Why...why do you even
date that baka?" The smaller girl's eyes were smaller.
Usagi
could not understand how *anyone* could date the likes
of Chiba Mamoru. He was a cute with cutting remarks
and
mean expressions.
"Usagi! Mamoru-san is a great guy! There's nothing
wrong with him. He's handsome and nice..and that's why
I'm
dating him." Rei had replied.
"Then why are you still calling him Mamoru-SAN?" Usagi
retorted..her eyes slitted.
"BAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKAAAAAA!"
Usagi had had a simple blue dress on. Rei had on tight
black pants...a white blouse that was notted so her
navel could
be clearly seen...and black boots on. While Usagi's
hair was in her 'dumplings,' Rei had her dark, long
hair in a high
pony tail.
"Baka!"
"Baka!"
"Baka-Rei-chan"
"Baka-USAGI!"
"BAKA!" A deep male voice boomed. Both girls, seated
in a booth with red cushions looked up. Next to both
Rei and
Usagi, stood a very tall..and a little annoyed Chiba
Mamoru.
"You two could be heard a mile from here..While I know
the Arcade is right next door, it's still no excuse to
be loud
mouthed bakas in this juice parlor!"
"I hate Chiba Mamoru!" A young girl screeched outside
of the parlor. The young girl's cheeks were puffy and
her
eyes..cloudy and a darker blue than usual. Tsukino
Usagi...was mad.
"Mamoru-baka!" Th young girl screamed and ran off.
Chiba Mamoru didn't hear the young girl..he was
focused on Hino Rei..but he felt a *tug* in his
heart...~weird feeling..~
he thought...
***************************************************************************
"Ohh..she was certainly annoyed...and certainly cute."
I always bothered her..I always annoyed her...she must
have
hated me...she treated everyone else nicer than she
ever treated me...
I know I was the one to be mean first...even if she
didn't freak out about me holding her test paper, I
still would have
said something snide...I guess she felt that I would
have, too...
But Usa never tried to be nice to me...she never tried
to see me...She seemed to see everyone else so
clearly...
She knew when everyone else had a bad day...or she
could tell...people's real character...
she couldn't tell mine, though...Like I said once
before, I never thought myself to *really* be mean...
I'm just protective of myself...and lonely.
I had to act a little cold and distant...I couldn't
let anyone know me...I guess I was especially cold to
Usa..only because
she could have discovered how I truly was...BUT she
didn't...and....
and I guess I felt a little upset at that....Usa
thought I hated her...*even* I for a while, thought I
did..but then I put the
clues together....
One day I just realized how I really acted..and what
it all meant...It's like one day...you wake up..and
things that
seemed foggy..are suddenly clear..it's like a new
begining...*or something.*
I can't really describe how I feel too
effectively..it's just like...you see some person
everyday..and one day...you say
~wow~ that person is hot...and then you realize..that
you can't live without seeing them..and then you
discover
that...you had spent a lot of time with them...or that
you would steal glances at them..and even act a little
different
than you normally do....
Let me tell you...love is funny...it really
is...People say love is blind..and real love is...
I think I love Usa more than people who say they fell
in love at first sight...because love *is* blind...I
know I had a big
natural defense mechanism in me...that told me..that
no one could love me..and to let no one get close to
me...but I
think everyone has a little part of them like
that....mine was just bigger...
It took me awhile to realize I was in love with
Usa...love is scary...love is weird..it's something
that beckon's you...so
you are a little blind to love...
I partially fell in love with Usa..that night I met
her at midnight...that night...I was in the park..when
Usa came across
me...I come there to think...parks are just so
beautiful..and serene. It beckon's me..but that kind
of pull is okay...
the weird pull..was...the almost non existant one..the
one that was really faint for a while..but very much
there with
Usa...that pull was with Sailor Moon, too..and
with...*My* Princess.....
she was beautiful...just perfect....she requested my
aid everytime I saw her in my dreams...she had the
prettiest
voice...and she would always call: "Help me, My
Endymion." I always saw tears run down her cheeks
afterwards. She
was of a small frame...slim..with such beautiful
golden hair...
I *felt* connected her her...I felt like I was her
protector. In my dream, I kept trying to help her..but
I couldn't...and she
would keep saying: "Help me Endymion, help me love!"
Later on, I would find out that...she was Usa...a past
form of her...
(You can tamper with my heart...you can crush my
heart...so I am afraid...
I'm afraid because I love you..
Afraid because I'm vulnerable..
Afraid...that once I have you..
You might one day go away...
I wouldn't be able to bear that..
Should you throw my heart away...
Why...I wouldn't be able to bear that.)
***********
When Zoicite was threatening Usa...I felt such
anger...It was like "how could you even think to hurt
her..."
I wanted to protect Usagi...I had this urge to protect
her...I had thought Usa to be cute..and a great
person..I admired that she
was usually so happy..but also a little jealous...She
was so happy..and I was always so sad...
I knew I liked Usa. I didn't know how
much...though..and I was afraid that I could fall in
love with her...
she was just so alive...so happy..so pretty...
That night in the park..flashed in my mind...I
realized that a part of me was trying to say that I
was in love with Usa...and I did
fall in love with Usa...but not completly..because you
don't fall in love with someone completely until you
realize *just* how
they mean to you.
I tell you that night..Usa almost died...Zoicite
almost killed her...but I got into Usa's way...
I got into Usa's way..because I loved her so
much...not to say that If I didn't love Usa..or love
her a lot..I would have let her
die..that's not it..not it at all.
*******
It all started when my Princess told me to get the
crystals....only when I got these special
crystals..which they were..I would
know what my true mission is..and who she is (the
Princess). I felt like a whole part of me has been
missing...ever since that
automobile accident...I had never felt completed or
whole...but I knew that If I found those
crystals...those Rainbow
Crystals..then everything about me..would fall into
place..and maybe some of my lonliness would desist.
I cannot tell you how much lonliness hurts...It's a
shroud...a dark shroud...and it makes you feel
depressed...and it makes you
feel alienated...it's horrible...this feeling....
My enemy...a general from this dimesion...the
Negaverse...was strong and cold hearted...he was
slim..and had a feminine
face..long blond hair, too...and was ever so
annoying...he wanted those crystals for evil
purposes...I couldn't let him have
it...and I need them.
One day, the enemy struck a deal for the crystals...a
duel of sorts...and of course...I accepted...but Usa
got mixed up in the
mess..because she followed me..to the mapped out
destination; the battleground. She had followed me
that day because I was
injured..and she found out...so...
Usa got mixed up..she got involved in my
problem...which troubled me..a lot...
and with each close call she had....I got even more
pissed...at myself...Usa was getting hurt..and it was
because of me...
with each close call...more thoughts swam in my
mind..like: this shouldn't be happening, why Usa? She
didn't do anything, I
must protect her...and so on..
I kept on thinking "Why would he want to hurt Usa? I
can't understand that. She's too sweet and innocent to
die...
And then...I had flash backs...to different times when
I ran into Usa...and *then* I remembered..I *saw* with
clear images in
my mind...my face after she left me...all those
times...I *saw* myself smile a little..or I *saw*
something flash in my eyes...and
then I also realized that I would miss running into
her...I remembered that every morning..the corners of
my mouth would
twitch..when I thought about how I would run into
Usa..in the afternoon..and I realized, too, that
for some reason...every day of mine...would be better
in the evening..than in the morining and early
afternoon....
and I realized..that was so..because of..Usa!
I also had thoughts in my mind talking about how many
things I know about Usa...like her favorite
color..what her favorite food
was...why would someone who doesn't like her...know
all this stuff about her...?..
There was that thought about Sailor Moon, too. I had
thought she was beautiful..and I had thought that she
was brave...and a
few minutes before I died for Usa..I had found out
that Usa...was Sailor Moon.
(A.N. he he..notice I'm using Usa a lot...no one else
really does..and *My Little Bunny* should be used
later)
I thought Sailor Moon was pretty..and so that
meant..I thought Usa was pretty...and I realized..that
everytime I saw Sailor
Moon..I would almost blurt out Usako..
(A.N. okay..it's later..he..he)
Most importantly..thought..Is that I realized all
these thoughts I had...I mean..I had thought these
thoughts...but....I don't
know...I really didn't realize some of these
thoughts...or my whole self never adknowledged it...
So, that one night when I fought this evil person....I
sacraficed myself..to save Usagi..Usa...Usako...and
even while I was struck
by some of Zoicites black magic powers...I wasn't
sorry I was sacraficing myself...in fact, I
realized...even more..how much
Usagi meant to me....
While I was dying..My whole self screamed: I love
Tsuking Usagi!!! My whole self knew I was in love with
her...every
cell..every fiber..said "love.."..I knew fully that I
loved the Little Rabbit....
and while I was dying...My heart and soul..told
Usako..that I loved her...and her heart and
soul...told me that she loved me...
and even though I was dying...It took a small eternity
for me to die...I asked Usagi in a tacit
manner...how..and could she really
love me...and she replied....
"I loved you since that first day, Mamoru Chiba. You
annoyed me so much...and I acted mad...but I realized
later on..that I
wasn't...and I could never be mad at you. I don't know
why I didn't know..heart and soul..that I loved you
that first day...or
maybe..I did know...that first day.....just not
fully...later on..I realized that I acted different
towards you..because I loved
you...and I still do..and I will always love you. That
first day, when I looked at you, a part of me said
that you could never love
me...and I had such insecurities...and whenever you
teased me...I never got mad..just upset...because I
was then one step
further away from receiving your love. Little by
little, lately, I realized that you meant something to
me...I just didn't know how
much...but I know...and I always knew...that I love
you! I really do! Please believe that...but I can't
understand you loving
me..."
Something told me to calll her,
telepathically...Selenity..and so I did..
"I love you..because you're so happy and vibrant..and
helpful..and beautiful...but I cannot understand why
you love me..."
"I always knew deep down..that you never really
displayed your true self...and I know..that you're a
great man...a brave
man..and a caring man....and I know that you were
lonely...and I just know, Endymion..that I love
you...and I want to take
your lonliness away..."
"You already have, Selenity." I replied...I knew with
every fiber of my being that she loved me...I still
couldn't understand
why..but she did...and I remembered that...my sould
rememered that..but I think my soul..always knew...for
my past self..I
learned..was her past self....
You see...I learned everything...I learned that Usa
was my Princess...and Usa..was my lover in my past
life..and I was her's in
my past life...but my falling in love with her had
nothing to do with our being lovers in our past
lives...for I loved
Usagi...first..with my heart..then with my soul...a
part of my soul always loved her...but the majority of
it....well...it didn't fall in
love until my heart did...and that was in this life
time...
and I fell in love with Usa..before I knew of our past
selves...for I fell in love with Usa before I met my
princess...I know
that...for every part of myself told me that...I met
my Princess soon after Usa..but, still, I loved Usa,
first. A small part of me
told myself in the park..that I loved Usa most..not
Sailor Moon..and not the Princess....nothing could
compare with Usa...and
even though they are the same....I love Usa..most...
My last words to Usa...
"I love you, Usa...Selenity...Sailor Moon...but I have
always love *you..,* Usa most...My soul knows you're a
part of
Selenity..but It loves you most...in this life-time.
You are you..and I am I..and we're a part of Selenity
and Endymion..but we're
also different...My name is Mamoru..and your's,
Usako...I will love Selenity..but I will love you
more..."
"And I love you most, Mamo-chan...and our next
incarnations will love us..and our past selves..but
they will love their current
selves, most...Selenity and Endymion...Usagi and
Mamoru....I fell in love with you, Chiba
Mamoru..because you're so kind..I
*know* it..and I even love the practical side of
you...and I love you..even though you were consumed
with lonliness..I only-"
"You did....take it away."
And so...my body died...and my soul went away...but
Beryl revived my body...and my soul was still on
Earth..and I still loved
Usa..because when Berly tried and tried..and
tried...to make me evil..she never completely turned
me evil...I still loved Usa..
You see...people think I love Usa...because we were
lovers in the past...and that may be a factor..or it
might not be...I even
hope it is...but I would have feel in love with
Usagi..regardless..heck..I did...
and people think I fell in love with Usagi only when I
was about to die..but I didn't....I fell in love with
her..that first day....the
first day I met her....
and all I have to say, is: Love is blind! It really
is...
and know..that If I didn't meet Usa...my life would
have been unbearable...I looked forward to teasing
her...and I teased her
because I loved her...and my seeing her...made my
day..bearable...and when we finally got together as
Usagi and
Mamoru...she took my lonliness away....
Some people die from being lonely..but I
won't..because Usa took it away...Usa..*My Usako..*
saved my life...and if I didn't
meet her...I probabally would have died....
my lonliness was that bad....
and now...I declare...My parents named me
Endymion...but that doesn't mean I'm
him...completely...I may have all of Selenity's
Endymion's soul..but I was still different...and I'm
not really Endymion now...let me tell you...I'm still
very much Mamoru...It is
the year 4090...and Mamoru has yet to fully die..."
"Endy...you were wrong..you're parent's really did
name you Mamoru." Selenity's soft words spoke...
The End.
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My life was complete lonliness
But then, one day, I discovered, that I was a man)
So you may have noticed, that I, Chiba Mamoru, teased
an odango'd
girl, without mercy. She
seemed to hate it. But a part of me, told me that she
didn't. And I
teased her...because I loved
her....so very, very much......
Would you care to hear about my story on my
Usako.....and how she
saved my life?
********************************************************
Fall....1999....
My name was Chiba Mamoru. That's the name that I went
by. I don't
know to this day whether it's my real
name...well..actually, I do. My
real name is Endymion. I never remembered ever being
happy. I knew
I
must have been happy for a time,because my heart told
me that I once
had very loving parents. When I was seven, my parents
were killed
and
so was I. You see,a certain part of me died along with
my parents; I
know that...for a fact...even though I didn't really
know them...or
at least any longer. After our automobile crash, I
formed amnesia. I
didn't receive any brain dammage...but the experience
of my parents
dying and experiencing such a grim night, I formed
amnesia; my
subconscience didn't want to ever remember that
night...and in result
the memory of my parents dying and all other memories
of them, were
wiped away...seemingly forever.
I was never really happy. I thought something was
always missing and
the people in the orphanage who worked there and even
the kids,
weren't very nice to me. I have no idea why they
didn't like me; in
the beginning I was very nice to everyone. I just
craved attention. I
was very helpful to children and I even smiled a
lot..but still...no
one liked me. It's a very hard feeling to
experience...lonliness. I
felt so hurt..and so alone in the world. I started
locking myself in
my room...having hardly any contact with any one.
Instead of people
trying to help me..a poor and lonely boy, they just
left me alone and
made my heart hurt even more.
My heart learned to toughen up...though, I was never
really mean. I
was just distant. Is there any harm with that...I
didn't want people
to get to know me a little and then disregard me, like
I was trash. I
didn't want to get hurt, ever. My wounded heart from
my childhood
never healed. I craved this feeling, however...I
didn't want to be
alone any longer..but then, I did! Lonliness is a bad
thing...it's a
horrible thing to experience...but so is getting hurt.
What if I
tried to get to know someone..but then it didn't work
out...that
would be another rejection. I didn't want rejections.
I couldn't
handle it.
But when I was 19, I one day realized that I had a
friend. It
bewildered me. I had a friend..well..sort of. There
was this guy that
I would talk to in the local arcade. He treated me
like everyone
else..but he was a special guy who took the time to
help others...he
was a generally happy person and he wanted everyone to
be happy.
Each day I went there with my troubled face, he would try
and cheer me up...eventually, I let myself get cheered up. I
learned what it was like..to smile. He helped me a little. He was sorta a
friend...he
was...Motoki. His eyes were a deep emerald color..and
he had shiny
blond hair..and he seemed like the typical 'boy next door.' He wasn't
handsome..but was..cute..I guess...I mean, all the
girls flocked to him...he was kind..helpful..and not conceited...he was
an ok guy. My sorta friendship..bewildered me, however. It was so
new...I felt like I gave an itty bitty piece of myself to Motoki..and I
wasn't ready to do that...I felt strange..friendship..feelings...sorta
caring for someone..what a scarry feeling...
Two days later, I met Usa.
(I found that I was alive
I found that I had a heart somewhere
I found...that you made me a man)
My first conversation was quick. I acted
ok...To anyone who may have seen me on that day, would
have said that I wasn't affected by her. But If you could read people
right..If you could tell how special Usa was...If you could just
feel who she was,
you would know she was very special. And If you could
read me...which all you had to do..was use an itty bit of your
heart..to sense how I was, you would know how lonely I was..and how perfect
were were for each other...Usa..was perfect for me...even though we got into an
arguement,I knew Usa didn't put her heart into arguments..and in the
back of my heart, I knew she didn't like fights..and I knew..she
didn't nor ever would..mean anything in our 'fights' together..with
each other. She was a very kind person. I wasn't. I
had dark hair and
I wasn't happy. She had light hair and she was happy.
I was a dark cloud..and she was the sun...I was drawn to her....and
a part of me..fell in love with her...that one day..that first
day...so cute, I thought..so happy...so unique...that was my Usa.
My first words to my Usa...were:
"That hurt, Dumpling head!"
and her fist words back....
"I'm sorry."
I barely heard her...because I was focusing at that
thing she threw at my head. Usa had thrown her crumpled test paper at
me. To prolong staying with her, I commented on her bad grade..and it was bad...and I was concerned...only I didn't realize it 'til
much...much later...heck, I didn't realize what Usa meant to me..really...until
the day that I first died, as Chiba Mamoru.
I was on the side walk..on one of Tokyo's busier streets. I was walking
behind a cute looking...14 or so..year old. She looked cute enough from behind. I felt a little weird..being behind
this girl...and..that scared me. I had felt compelled to talk with her.
After something of her's hit my head...my heart said
'here's my chance.'
My brain...did not say what a part of me was...-I
suppose, now, that it
was my heart....or maybe it was my soul...Because, an
itty-bitty part of
me..that weird part...that lonely part of
Mamoru..-said "I love you." *I
didn't pay much attention to that voice that day...but
later on...I started to analyze that voice....*My brain told me
mouth to say something completly different, however.
Remember...?...I told you that I had commented on her
lousy grade...
********************************************
"Thirty Percent...?..You can do better than that,
Dumpling Head." My voice was a little cold...the girl could have done
better...yes, the
beautiful..and cute...girl, could have done better. I was experiencing
one of those times...kinda like you know something...but then...you're
denying knowing that something...It's all very confusing. I was very
confusing..hell...I was a little cold...and..
stiff..to anyone who looked at me...but I was a torn man. I was a man who was in love. My heart did flip-flops..but I pushed that feeling away...cold,
horrible men don't fall in love....they can't. They shouldn't.
"What business of it is your's, anyways?" The petite
girl retorted at me.
Now, I guess I deserve that. But I wasn't about to say
that I'm sorry...I only say sorry If I have to..and those are
bull...ahem, crud apologies....I say I'm sorry..so I won't get fired or
anything...and with
her.. I thought...why should I show any emotion to her...I wasn't
caring..I wasn't supposed to be...But remember..I'm not a mean guy..If
I told her I'm sorry, I would have lost a piece of my
soul to her....she had this bewitching power...besides..I felt drawn to
where I was...I think part...well..I know know...part of it was
because of her..but part of
it was because of the...weird feeling I felt there.
*******************************
Now..I'm telling you....don't forget this.......Just
like I just told you...I
liked her....
I *knew* that I liked the girl; I just wasn't ready to
admit it. I didn't admit
how much..but I liked Odango. She was cute, anyone
could see that.
She was special,too. All of her friends spoke of how
kind she was and
when we fought Fiore they reflected on how she had
helped each of
them. Usa was kind. I knew she was a kind
person....even though she
wasn't 'kind' to me. After I said that she could do
better..and I believed
she could...she went into a hissy fit and left me. She
said to herself
that I was weird...weird...?...no...I Chiba Mamoru am
not weird...only
lonely....
Well, actually, I was weird. That morning, I woke up
and I felt weird. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I wasn't myself and
that I wouldn't be until I found something...no..someone. I knew in my heart that I had a destiny and a mission...to find someone..I just didn't
know how or when....and then...that afternoon, I was drawn to
OSAP. It was a nice jewerly store and that was where I met Usa. Something
had drawn me there..I could sense this weird feeling there. That night, I felt like I had actually gone in and did something there...very strange.
Later on, I found out that I was a hero...of sorts...I could sense evil and
throw magical roses and I fought using my cane. My purpose seemed
to have been to help a young heroine named Sailor Moon. She was
cute...utterly adorable. She had light blond hair and gorgeous baby
blue eyes. She was small and petit...and was just...kwaii...I felt an urge
to protect her...so I helped her fight and tried to give her confidence.
Later on, I would find out that she was Usagi...but
Usagi was totally
different than Sailor Moon.
Sailor Moon was nice enough..and cute enough...and
caring enough...but she was just different from Usagi. Now, I had thought
they were two different people for a while...I had helped Sailor
Moon in OSAP. She was scared and crying...and like I felt an urge to protect
her. I came to her rescue; I had helped her out. I felt connected to
her..but It wasn't that hard to leave her. I didn't feel as quite a big
of urge to stay with her..as I did with Usagi..call it weird...I mean,
I should have had
a bigger urge to stay with her...I MEAN the poor kid
was with zombie kids who wanted her dead..and some kind of
freaky....dead...?..thing! Sailor Moon may have been scared a lot but to stay and
to battle made her brave. I admired her more and more each day when
she would tough it out..and try and be better and stronger. She had a lot
of potential. I think the third recruit, Mars, saw that too. Rei had
shown a sort of
'tough love' with Usagi...*hmm...my Usa.*
Sailor Moon was just different from Usagi...or
Usa...As Usa...she was more vibrant...more colorful..more cheerful...more
alive. I had fallen in love with both of them....that very
first day.
A part of me adknowledged that. And then, a part of me
denied that. My
whole self...*as a whole* knew there was something
special about
Usa...and something special about Sailor Moon.
If you think...that I didn't like
Odango....Dumpling...you were very
wrong. I may have been a little cold...or a little
gruff..but when you
love someone...when you fall in love with
someone...and you don't know
why or how...and when you feel like you shouldn't
deserve to fall in
love...when you've become so introverted...that you
learn to *guard
yourself..* when you're the only person that loves
you...the only person
who's special to you..*and let me tell you...I didn't
think I was even
too special..,* you become afraid of love. You become
afraid of that
person you love...and...
YOU ACT STUPID....
or mean. I suppose that I really could have hurt Usa's
feelings..maybe I
did...but I knew that what she yelled at me..she
didn't mean...and that
made me the happiest person at times.....
And if you people think that I didn't fall in love
with Usa..until I
found out that she was Sailor Moon....*which wouldn't
be..because I
loved Usa more..* or that I didn't really..or
even..love her, 'til we
found we were destined to be together....or that I
didn't fall in
love..completely..until that day I was killed...as
Mamoru..or...Chiba
Mamoru....then..you're sadly mistaken.
The day I fell in love with Tsukino
Usagi...Usa...Dumpling Head....my
Usako*My little bunny..* was a whole month before I
died......
I almost told Usa everthing that night..and maybe
in..*some* sort of
way...I did....
(My very soul.
My very essence.
Those very things I never had..
That I always had missing..
You gave to me..
**You were a thief...who turned 180 and gave me my
heart
my soul..my life..and your love.**
********
It was a full moon...it was a little after
midnight.....
and I heard Usa's voice...
"Mamoru?" So softly she spoke...
(Lighted by the light
Of the blessed moonlight
You are gorgeous
You seem eternal
Angel..you are!)
A part of me had known that first day, that no one
could hold a candle to Usa's beauty. Really, it's the
truth. Usa
was young and looked young too, but still her young
face and body made her far more beautiful than any
other
woman.
I did not realize that Usagi was beautiful that
first day. I realized it, actually, one night when
she was Sailor Moon.
I had thought Sailor Moon had looked so serene and
heavenly one night...And I had learned how beautiful
my
Usagi..my Usa..My Usako was. One night after a younma
attack, I gazed at her...and my breath caught! She was
so
perfect...and so small..Her hair was the brightest
yellow...like a golden coin..her hair was a beautiful
golden maine..it
was illuminated by the moonlight. Her eyes were the
darkest shade of azure..Usa had looked so beautiful...
(Angel, I know you are
You are so heavenly,
I'm almost afraid to look..
At you
So pretty,
Just so pretty..)
*If ever a man was so in love....*
I had my eyes glued to Usagi.
My heart had told my head a clear
chunk of words: a poem...
Oh Gods, it was so beautiful...
But the real shocker, was: Usagi had heard it!
I knew she had heard it. I could just tell...
"I...heard...you...Mamoru?! She was a little scared..I
could *just* tell...My poor..poor...Usako...She must
have been
wondering what kind of freak was I...
I had no facade on...She only glanced at me a moment
longer after she had said that. I took in what she was
wearing..a blue nightgown...a light shade..so
pretty..that only the blue shade of her eyes were a
prettier blue...
But a moment after my face showed true emotion...I
masked myself.
You..well..I couldn't imagine what she must have
felt...All I knew is that she couldn't love me..she
shouldn't..and she
shouldn't feel sorry for me...
So..Mamoru-baka..the college bastard..took his
place..Usa..could..*never* know...
"Heard what..Dumpling?" My voice was pretty
monotone..as usual. *Good.* My eyes showed
annoyance...*good..*
"Don't tell my you're pyschotic,
D-U-M-P-L-I-N-G..."*good..* "..H-E-A-D..." I gave her
a sly smile...and then I tossed my
head up..and laughed...
I don't know why my mind said that...I always teased
her...Always a part of my mind said she was just some
annoying
girl...How could I love the Dumpling...I wasn't
nice...I was never...*me..*..I wasn't happy like she
was...Never..before..had a part of mine said that I
liked the Rabbit of the Moon...
I didn't understand it that night at all...nothing was
really different...about her..about
me...why..why...did my mind say
that...why...did my *heart* say that...
That night..I didn't know my heart had said that...I
didn't even know I had a heart...
Maybe it was the beauty Usa had...for she didn't look
cute like she normally did...she looked beautiful..or
maybe it
was the moonlight...I wasn't sure It was a full
moon..but it looked like it could have been...
But for some reason...my heart told me that
night..that I was in love with the Rabbit..
I then had a dilemma...I then realized..that I *may*
have been in love with Tsukino Usagi...
"But it's not possible." I said..walking home that
night...
(What do you do to me..
Could you be a witch, too?
You're twisting my heart
With your invisible hands..)
(You make me hungry..
But I couldn't..just couldn't..
Say: "I want you.." and stay...
I am not suppossed to love..
I am unworthy of love..
I should just run away..
far into the night..
Away from you; away from love..)
*******************
God knows what Usa had thought when I treated her bad.
I don't know why she had wondered to where I was. Did
she run
away? No..she was in her nightgown. Did she have a bad
dream? Maybe.
She shouldn't have been out. Tokyo is huge..and she is
so little, but I wasn't supposed to care. Why should I
have cared about
a little annoying girl.."Dumpling Head!"
I had told her she was crazy for hearing what I
thought. She wasn't...but I hope she thought that -I
hope....I hope that she was
mad at me..I hope she thought it was all her
imagination...after all..Mamoru-baka...didn't like
her...he couldn't possibly like
her...!
(I am a chicken...that cannot run.
I feel like I'm frozen..
I guess, I will learn of love...
And cry when I give my heart to you...
Even though I've always wanted love..)
****One month earlier...***
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" A girl named Tsukino
Usagi...screached. "DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT BAKA
HERE!"
"Oh..Usagi. Stop being so childish when it comes to
Mamoru-san." A raven haired yelled. Her hair was the
darkest
black..with beautiful deep plum purple highlights. Her
eyes..were a deep violet. Hino Rei was one of Tsukino
Usagi's
friends...Usagi...was a girl..with a man..problem.
"Rei-chan..I cannot stand him. Why...why do you even
date that baka?" The smaller girl's eyes were smaller.
Usagi
could not understand how *anyone* could date the likes
of Chiba Mamoru. He was a cute with cutting remarks
and
mean expressions.
"Usagi! Mamoru-san is a great guy! There's nothing
wrong with him. He's handsome and nice..and that's why
I'm
dating him." Rei had replied.
"Then why are you still calling him Mamoru-SAN?" Usagi
retorted..her eyes slitted.
"BAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKAAAAAA!"
Usagi had had a simple blue dress on. Rei had on tight
black pants...a white blouse that was notted so her
navel could
be clearly seen...and black boots on. While Usagi's
hair was in her 'dumplings,' Rei had her dark, long
hair in a high
pony tail.
"Baka!"
"Baka!"
"Baka-Rei-chan"
"Baka-USAGI!"
"BAKA!" A deep male voice boomed. Both girls, seated
in a booth with red cushions looked up. Next to both
Rei and
Usagi, stood a very tall..and a little annoyed Chiba
Mamoru.
"You two could be heard a mile from here..While I know
the Arcade is right next door, it's still no excuse to
be loud
mouthed bakas in this juice parlor!"
"I hate Chiba Mamoru!" A young girl screeched outside
of the parlor. The young girl's cheeks were puffy and
her
eyes..cloudy and a darker blue than usual. Tsukino
Usagi...was mad.
"Mamoru-baka!" Th young girl screamed and ran off.
Chiba Mamoru didn't hear the young girl..he was
focused on Hino Rei..but he felt a *tug* in his
heart...~weird feeling..~
he thought...
***************************************************************************
"Ohh..she was certainly annoyed...and certainly cute."
I always bothered her..I always annoyed her...she must
have
hated me...she treated everyone else nicer than she
ever treated me...
I know I was the one to be mean first...even if she
didn't freak out about me holding her test paper, I
still would have
said something snide...I guess she felt that I would
have, too...
But Usa never tried to be nice to me...she never tried
to see me...She seemed to see everyone else so
clearly...
She knew when everyone else had a bad day...or she
could tell...people's real character...
she couldn't tell mine, though...Like I said once
before, I never thought myself to *really* be mean...
I'm just protective of myself...and lonely.
I had to act a little cold and distant...I couldn't
let anyone know me...I guess I was especially cold to
Usa..only because
she could have discovered how I truly was...BUT she
didn't...and....
and I guess I felt a little upset at that....Usa
thought I hated her...*even* I for a while, thought I
did..but then I put the
clues together....
One day I just realized how I really acted..and what
it all meant...It's like one day...you wake up..and
things that
seemed foggy..are suddenly clear..it's like a new
begining...*or something.*
I can't really describe how I feel too
effectively..it's just like...you see some person
everyday..and one day...you say
~wow~ that person is hot...and then you realize..that
you can't live without seeing them..and then you
discover
that...you had spent a lot of time with them...or that
you would steal glances at them..and even act a little
different
than you normally do....
Let me tell you...love is funny...it really
is...People say love is blind..and real love is...
I think I love Usa more than people who say they fell
in love at first sight...because love *is* blind...I
know I had a big
natural defense mechanism in me...that told me..that
no one could love me..and to let no one get close to
me...but I
think everyone has a little part of them like
that....mine was just bigger...
It took me awhile to realize I was in love with
Usa...love is scary...love is weird..it's something
that beckon's you...so
you are a little blind to love...
I partially fell in love with Usa..that night I met
her at midnight...that night...I was in the park..when
Usa came across
me...I come there to think...parks are just so
beautiful..and serene. It beckon's me..but that kind
of pull is okay...
the weird pull..was...the almost non existant one..the
one that was really faint for a while..but very much
there with
Usa...that pull was with Sailor Moon, too..and
with...*My* Princess.....
she was beautiful...just perfect....she requested my
aid everytime I saw her in my dreams...she had the
prettiest
voice...and she would always call: "Help me, My
Endymion." I always saw tears run down her cheeks
afterwards. She
was of a small frame...slim..with such beautiful
golden hair...
I *felt* connected her her...I felt like I was her
protector. In my dream, I kept trying to help her..but
I couldn't...and she
would keep saying: "Help me Endymion, help me love!"
Later on, I would find out that...she was Usa...a past
form of her...
(You can tamper with my heart...you can crush my
heart...so I am afraid...
I'm afraid because I love you..
Afraid because I'm vulnerable..
Afraid...that once I have you..
You might one day go away...
I wouldn't be able to bear that..
Should you throw my heart away...
Why...I wouldn't be able to bear that.)
***********
When Zoicite was threatening Usa...I felt such
anger...It was like "how could you even think to hurt
her..."
I wanted to protect Usagi...I had this urge to protect
her...I had thought Usa to be cute..and a great
person..I admired that she
was usually so happy..but also a little jealous...She
was so happy..and I was always so sad...
I knew I liked Usa. I didn't know how
much...though..and I was afraid that I could fall in
love with her...
she was just so alive...so happy..so pretty...
That night in the park..flashed in my mind...I
realized that a part of me was trying to say that I
was in love with Usa...and I did
fall in love with Usa...but not completly..because you
don't fall in love with someone completely until you
realize *just* how
they mean to you.
I tell you that night..Usa almost died...Zoicite
almost killed her...but I got into Usa's way...
I got into Usa's way..because I loved her so
much...not to say that If I didn't love Usa..or love
her a lot..I would have let her
die..that's not it..not it at all.
*******
It all started when my Princess told me to get the
crystals....only when I got these special
crystals..which they were..I would
know what my true mission is..and who she is (the
Princess). I felt like a whole part of me has been
missing...ever since that
automobile accident...I had never felt completed or
whole...but I knew that If I found those
crystals...those Rainbow
Crystals..then everything about me..would fall into
place..and maybe some of my lonliness would desist.
I cannot tell you how much lonliness hurts...It's a
shroud...a dark shroud...and it makes you feel
depressed...and it makes you
feel alienated...it's horrible...this feeling....
My enemy...a general from this dimesion...the
Negaverse...was strong and cold hearted...he was
slim..and had a feminine
face..long blond hair, too...and was ever so
annoying...he wanted those crystals for evil
purposes...I couldn't let him have
it...and I need them.
One day, the enemy struck a deal for the crystals...a
duel of sorts...and of course...I accepted...but Usa
got mixed up in the
mess..because she followed me..to the mapped out
destination; the battleground. She had followed me
that day because I was
injured..and she found out...so...
Usa got mixed up..she got involved in my
problem...which troubled me..a lot...
and with each close call she had....I got even more
pissed...at myself...Usa was getting hurt..and it was
because of me...
with each close call...more thoughts swam in my
mind..like: this shouldn't be happening, why Usa? She
didn't do anything, I
must protect her...and so on..
I kept on thinking "Why would he want to hurt Usa? I
can't understand that. She's too sweet and innocent to
die...
And then...I had flash backs...to different times when
I ran into Usa...and *then* I remembered..I *saw* with
clear images in
my mind...my face after she left me...all those
times...I *saw* myself smile a little..or I *saw*
something flash in my eyes...and
then I also realized that I would miss running into
her...I remembered that every morning..the corners of
my mouth would
twitch..when I thought about how I would run into
Usa..in the afternoon..and I realized, too, that
for some reason...every day of mine...would be better
in the evening..than in the morining and early
afternoon....
and I realized..that was so..because of..Usa!
I also had thoughts in my mind talking about how many
things I know about Usa...like her favorite
color..what her favorite food
was...why would someone who doesn't like her...know
all this stuff about her...?..
There was that thought about Sailor Moon, too. I had
thought she was beautiful..and I had thought that she
was brave...and a
few minutes before I died for Usa..I had found out
that Usa...was Sailor Moon.
(A.N. he he..notice I'm using Usa a lot...no one else
really does..and *My Little Bunny* should be used
later)
I thought Sailor Moon was pretty..and so that
meant..I thought Usa was pretty...and I realized..that
everytime I saw Sailor
Moon..I would almost blurt out Usako..
(A.N. okay..it's later..he..he)
Most importantly..thought..Is that I realized all
these thoughts I had...I mean..I had thought these
thoughts...but....I don't
know...I really didn't realize some of these
thoughts...or my whole self never adknowledged it...
So, that one night when I fought this evil person....I
sacraficed myself..to save Usagi..Usa...Usako...and
even while I was struck
by some of Zoicites black magic powers...I wasn't
sorry I was sacraficing myself...in fact, I
realized...even more..how much
Usagi meant to me....
While I was dying..My whole self screamed: I love
Tsuking Usagi!!! My whole self knew I was in love with
her...every
cell..every fiber..said "love.."..I knew fully that I
loved the Little Rabbit....
and while I was dying...My heart and soul..told
Usako..that I loved her...and her heart and
soul...told me that she loved me...
and even though I was dying...It took a small eternity
for me to die...I asked Usagi in a tacit
manner...how..and could she really
love me...and she replied....
"I loved you since that first day, Mamoru Chiba. You
annoyed me so much...and I acted mad...but I realized
later on..that I
wasn't...and I could never be mad at you. I don't know
why I didn't know..heart and soul..that I loved you
that first day...or
maybe..I did know...that first day.....just not
fully...later on..I realized that I acted different
towards you..because I loved
you...and I still do..and I will always love you. That
first day, when I looked at you, a part of me said
that you could never love
me...and I had such insecurities...and whenever you
teased me...I never got mad..just upset...because I
was then one step
further away from receiving your love. Little by
little, lately, I realized that you meant something to
me...I just didn't know how
much...but I know...and I always knew...that I love
you! I really do! Please believe that...but I can't
understand you loving
me..."
Something told me to calll her,
telepathically...Selenity..and so I did..
"I love you..because you're so happy and vibrant..and
helpful..and beautiful...but I cannot understand why
you love me..."
"I always knew deep down..that you never really
displayed your true self...and I know..that you're a
great man...a brave
man..and a caring man....and I know that you were
lonely...and I just know, Endymion..that I love
you...and I want to take
your lonliness away..."
"You already have, Selenity." I replied...I knew with
every fiber of my being that she loved me...I still
couldn't understand
why..but she did...and I remembered that...my sould
rememered that..but I think my soul..always knew...for
my past self..I
learned..was her past self....
You see...I learned everything...I learned that Usa
was my Princess...and Usa..was my lover in my past
life..and I was her's in
my past life...but my falling in love with her had
nothing to do with our being lovers in our past
lives...for I loved
Usagi...first..with my heart..then with my soul...a
part of my soul always loved her...but the majority of
it....well...it didn't fall in
love until my heart did...and that was in this life
time...
and I fell in love with Usa..before I knew of our past
selves...for I fell in love with Usa before I met my
princess...I know
that...for every part of myself told me that...I met
my Princess soon after Usa..but, still, I loved Usa,
first. A small part of me
told myself in the park..that I loved Usa most..not
Sailor Moon..and not the Princess....nothing could
compare with Usa...and
even though they are the same....I love Usa..most...
My last words to Usa...
"I love you, Usa...Selenity...Sailor Moon...but I have
always love *you..,* Usa most...My soul knows you're a
part of
Selenity..but It loves you most...in this life-time.
You are you..and I am I..and we're a part of Selenity
and Endymion..but we're
also different...My name is Mamoru..and your's,
Usako...I will love Selenity..but I will love you
more..."
"And I love you most, Mamo-chan...and our next
incarnations will love us..and our past selves..but
they will love their current
selves, most...Selenity and Endymion...Usagi and
Mamoru....I fell in love with you, Chiba
Mamoru..because you're so kind..I
*know* it..and I even love the practical side of
you...and I love you..even though you were consumed
with lonliness..I only-"
"You did....take it away."
And so...my body died...and my soul went away...but
Beryl revived my body...and my soul was still on
Earth..and I still loved
Usa..because when Berly tried and tried..and
tried...to make me evil..she never completely turned
me evil...I still loved Usa..
You see...people think I love Usa...because we were
lovers in the past...and that may be a factor..or it
might not be...I even
hope it is...but I would have feel in love with
Usagi..regardless..heck..I did...
and people think I fell in love with Usagi only when I
was about to die..but I didn't....I fell in love with
her..that first day....the
first day I met her....
and all I have to say, is: Love is blind! It really
is...
and know..that If I didn't meet Usa...my life would
have been unbearable...I looked forward to teasing
her...and I teased her
because I loved her...and my seeing her...made my
day..bearable...and when we finally got together as
Usagi and
Mamoru...she took my lonliness away....
Some people die from being lonely..but I
won't..because Usa took it away...Usa..*My Usako..*
saved my life...and if I didn't
meet her...I probabally would have died....
my lonliness was that bad....
and now...I declare...My parents named me
Endymion...but that doesn't mean I'm
him...completely...I may have all of Selenity's
Endymion's soul..but I was still different...and I'm
not really Endymion now...let me tell you...I'm still
very much Mamoru...It is
the year 4090...and Mamoru has yet to fully die..."
"Endy...you were wrong..you're parent's really did
name you Mamoru." Selenity's soft words spoke...
The End.
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