"ANNA!"
Of course this nightmare happened again tonight. Anna practically dared it to with that….gift.
That didn't mean blaming Anna fixed anything, though. It didn't fix the horrible sight of her permanently frozen body in Elsa's nightmare. It didn't fix the horrible real life sight of her frozen body, no matter what foolishness Anna thought. It didn't fix her and nothing ever would….
The sight of her frosted room certainly proved that. As if the last 13 years hadn't already. If Anna would stop trying to convince her that a few weeks could erase that, Elsa could turn over the throne to her and leave forever like a responsible….whatever she was.
No one who killed her sister was a human. No one like her was meant to be outside, let alone on a throne. She knew that every time she had these well-deserved nightmares of her past crimes – the old and the new. Yet Anna insisted on barging in here every night and telling her delusional lies…..
Except she didn't plan on coming tonight. Instead she left….
Well, once she saw it had frozen over, that would be the final proof of what she didn't deserve, wouldn't it?
And yet….when Elsa dared to look on her partly frozen nightstand next to her bed…..Anna's gift was still unfrozen. Just like it was when Anna gave it to her a few hours ago.
It looked the same as it did 13 years ago, only….it really didn't.
It was still Anna, though. Anna claimed it was the exact same Anna doll that Elsa and her played with together, until the accident. Of course, looking at it now, there was room for doubt.
The doll didn't have Anna's childish pigtails, or her clothing. In fact, the doll had on miniature versions of the clothes and cape Anna wore….that fateful day. She even had her hair changed to young adult Anna's twin braids. But Anna still claimed it had the same fabric of the old Anna doll – just updated.
It was a full on doll of the Anna of today. What's more, it matched the updated Elsa doll Anna held in her hands – down to the ice dress and new hair. Maybe not the smile, which was more natural on the Anna doll than the Elsa one. It probably always would be.
"Why did you do this?" Elsa asked, instead of just saying thank you like a regular sister would. "We're too old for dolls," she kept getting wrong, although she wasn't technically wrong here. Emotionally, though….well, when wasn't Elsa wrong emotionally?
The tiny pang of hurt on Anna's face confirmed it, even when Anna brushed it off just as quickly. "I know you're still trying to get comfortable around me. Especially after your nightmares. So… if you're still too scared of freezing me to relax with real me at night….it might be different with doll me."
Anna took Elsa's hand that held the Anna doll, regardless of the little hiss of nervous air Elsa let out. But in a way, that made this even more necessary.
"You don't have to cuddle with it or anything. Just keep it somewhere in your room, and if you have a nightmare and you're too scared to see me….just look at her. Look at her and remember me, and remember you're not alone any more. If you can't do that with real me right now, then at least your room….your old prison will still have a part of me in there. Even if it can't be the biggest part."
Anna clearly rehearsed this pretty thoroughly – there wasn't a ramble or stutter in that speech. And whoever she got to remake these dolls was even more thorough.
It made it more necessary that Elsa couldn't accept this.
She couldn't risk freezing Anna's doll at night, just like she couldn't risk freezing real Anna for real again. Anna had to understand she deserved these nightmares, and knew how to bury the pain deep down when it mattered at daylight – and that foolish notions of not feeling any pain anymore were just unrealistic. Even Anna had to see that one day.
But as Elsa studied Anna's hard work, saw her hopeful face, took in what she went through to make an offer like this and to remake her precious dolls – and to trust one of them to her – she couldn't let that day come today.
She even held out when Anna said, "Goodnight, Elsa," and went to her room – although Elsa knew deep down she wouldn't follow that order.
The idea of having an Anna doll in this room, with the same look as the Anna that died because of her, must have planted tonight's nightmare in her head. Not that she needed much to plant nightmares in her head, but this time it was more obvious.
It didn't matter that the Anna doll wasn't frozen now. It was only a matter of time. It had to be. With this much contact with it, how could it not?
What could save it other than….the strategy that hadn't worked for 13 years? Except in the only way that should have mattered, but somehow didn't?
If this much contact was supposed to work better, then why was Elsa still so scared by herself? Even with the option of not being by herself – as if she was still equipped to take it?
Deep down, Anna knew she wasn't, despite all her optimism. That's obviously why she left Elsa the doll as a substitute. Maybe she was giving up in a way, like she always should have done. If she was, then what was Elsa's excuse for holding on?
Elsa put the doll back on the night stand, a split second before she was tempted to throw it away. Get it out of sight for its own safety. Not that anything was remotely safe near her. That kind of thinking made it feel like what happened three weeks ago never happened – at least the happy part.
For all Elsa knew, maybe it didn't and she was imagining this, in some kind of mental break on the fjord. Or in death. Either way was more plausible for her than….
As it was back then and probably always would be, Elsa cried quietly, so no one would wake up or know she was feeling. As it was back then and probably always would be, she would have to cry that quietly all alone until she went to sleep – if she did.
And as it was and had to be, she would forget she ever had those feelings by sunrise so she could endure until sunset the next day – and remember there was a part of her that wanted to endure. That worked better than putting her sister and doll sister in harm's way, no matter what they believed.
"Don't cry."
Who said that? It sounded like Elsa, and she even felt her lips move. But….it didn't sound entirely like Elsa.
There were no living things in here, thank God. There was just Elsa and the Anna doll. For some reason, Elsa found herself picking up the doll and holding it, in case of….what?
"Don't cry, Elsa."
Okay, now that sounded more like Anna. Or like….Elsa sounding like Anna. And Elsa swore she felt her lips moving that time too.
So this was how it finally happened. This was how Elsa went into total madness. Almost anti-climactic, in a way. But going insane by talking to an Anna doll, and talking as an Anna doll, was better than most worst-case scenarios.
At least Elsa was more aware of herself when she held up the doll and spoke in her Anna voice, "You'll be fine, Elsa." Only with more sarcasm than the real Anna would have used.
"Like I'm supposed to be fine," Elsa said in response as herself.
Perhaps her lack of queenly restraints, her acceptance of her hopelessness – and a subconscious need to actually have the real Anna there, against all logic – made her respond back in the Anna doll's voice. Made her say what she imagined the real Anna would say if she were here.
Made her feel like a part of Anna was in this lonely room in Elsa's hour of need after all. Like Elsa wanted it there for once.
Not that part of her hadn't wanted it with every fiber of her being every night in isolation – no matter how shameful, reckless and monstrous Elsa told herself it made her.
"Of course you're fine. I'm not frozen yet. You love me too much to ever do it again," Elsa had the Anna doll tell her.
"What does that matter?" Elsa scoffed as herself.
"It matters because I came back. It matters because you're talking to me again. Can't you just run with that and see what happens?" Elsa had the Anna doll ask, like the real Anna would.
"You know I'm not supposed to think like that," the real Elsa said.
"Who said? Our parents? Well, they're not here and their whole philosophy was a big fat lie, so there you go," the real Elsa talked as the doll Anna – or at least, she hoped she was only saying it because Anna would. Anything else was just….
"Please don't talk like that about them," Elsa pleaded as herself. She also pleaded with herself to forget the angry, sobbing words she heard Anna say to their parents' portrait days ago, after learning the full truth of what happened to her. But once again, it was a failure.
Compared to thinking about that and how…..wrong Anna was, talking like Anna and pretending to talk with an Anna doll was the sanest thing to do.
"Fine, let's talk about you," Elsa had doll Anna say. "You want to be my sister again. You've always wanted that, I know that now. You even wanted to let me in three years ago. Now you can."
Scoffing at how any Anna could make something sound so naively easy – and ignoring how she actually came up with these Anna words – Elsa gestured to the still frosty room. "Look at this! You want her to get killed in this?" Elsa asked to herself in more ways than one.
"She wouldn't. You know how I know?" Elsa was stunned to hear her Anna doll voice ask. "Because I'm here. I'm here and I'm okay. You gave me up 13 years ago so I could be with Anna, because she needed me and I'd be safer with her. Well, she just gave me back because she knew I'd be safe and loved with you. And now I am. Just like she is."
Why was the doll looking at it that way?
Because a doll couldn't think. Whatever remained of Elsa's sanity reminded her of that. The doll wasn't really talking, because it was all Elsa saying those words. But only because Anna would say them. Yet Anna wasn't really here.
So if those words had the ring of truth in them, then….it was Elsa's ring of truth. It was Elsa, not Anna, telling herself that things would be okay – only through something Elsa would believe a lot more than herself. Something that looked like Anna.
Something that hadn't been in this room in 13 years. Something that Elsa tried so hard to hold onto and protect, even when she lost human Anna. Something that was just too painful to keep and something she had to give up a few months later - before icicles ripped it apart like she would rip Anna apart one day if she ever felt again.
But it was here now, and it was okay. It survived her nightmares, and because of that….Elsa wasn't alone in this room anymore. For the first time in 13 years, the human Anna wasn't in this room….and Elsa still wasn't alone.
Instead of having the Anna doll talk, Elsa really looked at it for the first time. Looked at how up to date it was, how it really did look like a mini Anna from those dreadful frozen days….only unfrozen and smiling and with arms held out wide….
If this was the real Anna, it would hold those arms wide until Elsa was snuggled into them. No matter what the risk. "It's okay, you won't hurt me," Elsa spoke as Anna. "Don't you want a warm hug?"
Forgetting again that this was just a doll, Elsa pressed it against her cheek, making its arms seem to squeeze the right side of her face. She tried not to get a tear on it, in case it froze on it – on her. But thinking ahead, she had the doll wipe away a lone tear while it was still in liquid form.
Elsa pulled doll Anna back, staring and reflecting at it anew. "You know….I put up more of a fight to keep you around than the real Anna," she remembered. "You lasted a few more months than she did. But I….I still missed you both. Now look at you….all grown up and happy and warm…."
She dared to put her finger against the doll's cheek – and instead of being scared, she felt it wasn't enough.
"You're not warm enough, though. No matter how….unbalanced I am, I still know you're not real. I….I think I'm ready for the real thing now," Elsa realized. Still, she put on the pretense of asking doll Anna, "Do you wanna see your big sister?"
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Elsa knew she didn't have to bring her doll over to the real Anna's room. Real Anna would just be amazed enough to see Elsa was there, without having to be asked and without any tears – not now, anyway. But bringing the doll would be a nice bonus gift.
When she got to Anna's door, Elsa pressed her ear against it first, in case she was sleeping. If she was, she'd probably hear it without getting that close. But regardless, she heard nothing at all.
"I'll be fine, Anna. I need to be fine on my own for once, you know."
That didn't sound like an Anna snore. In fact, it barely sounded like Anna. It sounded a little like….
She wasn't….
"I know. I just wish…." A voice that was more clearly Anna's said. "It doesn't matter. What matters is she – I mean, you – you're still scared. And now I really know why. Once you practice with doll me, you'll be more comfortable with real me. Especially since I won't force you for once."
The fact that Anna was clearly talking to grown up doll Elsa, was still far from the most upsetting thing to real Elsa.
"You're sure I won't just stay in there?" Anna asked in her Elsa voice. "You're sure I can do anything without you 'forcing' me?"
"Don't you say that about yourself!" Anna scolded. "You're the strongest, bravest person who ever lived! I know that now! You just forget that when you're scared, that's all! And you don't need someone pestering you and reminding you of the past to stop it! You'll take things slow with my doll and we'll just see what happens after that! It's gotta work better than other ideas!"
"Are you sure?" Anna spoke in her Elsa doll voice. "You trusted that I'd come out 13 years ago too."
"I know….but I trust you even more now," Anna still insisted as herself. "Once you're comfortable with someone who'll let you sleep instead of play. Who'll stop knocking when you want to be alone. Who'll talk to you alone instead of making a scene at your own ball. Who actually understands you still need to be alone sometimes….and that doesn't mean you don't love her."
In lue of not eavesdropping anymore, crying or going into Anna's room, Elsa merely squeezed her Anna doll tight in her hands. It escaped her how that would have qualified as brave just 20 minutes ago. Her lack of progress everywhere else – and what it made Anna think she had to do - was more evident now.
"it's okay. You're here now. You've always been here in this room," Anna said, more clearly meaning the doll Elsa. "Elsa finally has the doll me back. If that can help her better than I can right now….then that's all that matters. It's time her needs came before mine. And she'll be more comfortable around me soon….even if I don't bug her 24 hours a day. Or make sure she doesn't disappear without warning again. Right?"
Elsa waited for Anna's Elsa voice to speak up, but it didn't. "Right?" Anna asked again. However, for some reason or another, neither Anna nor any other voice Anna had answered her.
The only voice Elsa heard was her own, quiet, heartbroken one – one she would know anywhere. One saying a very familiar phrase right now, as a matter of fact. "Oh, Anna…."
This time, she was in front of a door, not behind it. This time, there was no snow or ice forming behind her. This time, she wasn't forcing herself to stop feeling sadness, or anything else, for her baby sister's plight. This time, she was clutching and holding her Anna doll….just like she wanted to clutch Anna right now.
This time, something different could be done about it.
Before she could talk herself out of it, Elsa did just that.
The door wasn't locked – of course it wasn't. Elsa didn't knock, which meant Anna had better manners for once.
But the most important thing happening for the first time was that Elsa was racing into Anna's room, to let her sister know how much she loved her and never wanted to leave her.
It only occurred to her when she got halfway to Anna's bed that….she had no idea how to do that anymore.
As such, Elsa froze in place, figuratively for once. Anna was gob smacked, holding her Elsa doll tight and slowly asking the real Elsa, "Elsa?" Yet her lack of words didn't make Elsa feel better about not having any herself.
When it came to being herself, and playing herself, Elsa still had no words for this particular situation. No one ever trained her for it in 13 years. No one let her believe this sort of thing would ever happen again.
She thought and thought – and then suddenly stopped thinking.
In an impulse she didn't know she had – or that maybe she trained herself to forget she did – Elsa held up her doll and put on her Anna voice one more time. It was the first time Elsa played Anna in front of Anna since she was eight years old.
"I'm Anna! I have a big sister who loves me and never, ever wants to shut me out again! Nothing I ever do will change her mind, or stop me from being loved and being her best friend forever! Yay, chocolate!"
That last line was just one of the many that stunned Elsa. To say nothing of Anna.
The sisters and their dolls were quiet for a long moment, as the magnitude of what Elsa allowed herself to say out loud – and how she chose to say it – washed over her. The Queen of Arendelle, who was never supposed to feel or be a child for many reasons, had done just that in the most childish way possible. It should have been yet another ground to question her legitimacy on.
"You…." started the only judge that really mattered to Elsa deep down. "You….big goof!" With that trigger, Anna couldn't stop laughing.
Elsa poured her heart out on purpose for the first time ever, in the most humiliating fashion, and all Anna could do was laugh? Whatever control she magically had over her powers almost vanished right there. Until she really listened to Anna's laugh.
It wasn't a mocking laugh, chiding her for being a child. It was more like the laugh Anna had when she was five, when they last played with these dolls.
It was the laugh Anna had every time Elsa voiced the Anna doll. It was a laugh for a time when they had fun just from being together, even when Elsa wasn't using her powers.
It was a laugh that reminded Elsa how Anna loved her, even when she didn't use powers. A reminder of a time when Elsa thought Anna would do that forever – and that maybe others could think the same way. Now 13 years later, that laugh – like everything else about Anna – had somehow, someway endured.
And it came right after Anna was so thoroughly sad about herself. Yet here she was laughing. Elsa made her laugh. Elsa made her feel better. Elsa made someone feel better instead of freezing or killing them.
Elsa just had a nightmare minutes ago, and yet here she was making someone feel better. Here she was, going into someone's room, with an Anna doll she didn't freeze, cheering up the real Anna.
Elsa was a person who could do that now. Elsa was that person again. Elsa was….a big sister again.
Her little sister wiped the happy tears from her eyes, then quieted down when she saw a quiet Elsa. She forced herself not to get carried away, eventually deciding to ask, "Does….Anna need to go back to her room? She….she can if she wants. No one would blame her, I promise."
Anna was still giving her an out, despite the millions of other things she probably wished Elsa would do with her now. There was only one way to answer that.
"Actually….I think Elsa could use some company for once. Don't you?" real Elsa gestured to the little Elsa.
No dignified ruler was supposed to play with dolls. No ruler with Elsa's powers was supposed to be this close to any owner of dolls.
Elsa was no ordinary ruler, which went without saying. But this was the first time she wanted to make it a good thing.
It was a late night and she couldn't sleep. That – finally – meant she had to play with her little sister.
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In truth, after all the heavy talking Elsa did as Anna, and that spur of the moment confession, she ran out of things to say as Anna after a few minutes. That meant doll Elsa was the one doing most of the talking and playing – an irony that melted the last of real Elsa's embarrassment.
Still, even that much playing took the last bit of energy from Elsa. With no more energy to refuse Anna, she had no choice but to climb into her bed for the night.
When they were all settled in, Anna said, "Goodnight Elsa," and kissed both real Elsa and doll Elsa on the cheek, before snuggling with doll Elsa and closing her eyes.
All Elsa could do was watch her drift off, see how calm everything still was, and utter a soft "Goodnight, Anna," before closing her eyes.
The Anna doll had an equally good night's rest lying on Elsa's shoulder.
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There were nights when Elsa wasn't brave enough to seek out Anna after a nightmare. There were nights when Anna was afraid to seek out Elsa after her nightmares, or was afraid that checking on her would make her too clingy or show she had no faith in her. And there were even nights when none of them had nightmares.
There were even nights where they sought each other out and slept in together, whether there were nightmares involved or not.
But whether Anna was in her room or not, Elsa always did one thing before closing her eyes. She looked at the smiling Anna doll facing her on her nightstand, as if it was protecting and watching over her. Which it was, even if real Anna was there too.
No matter what, the last thing Elsa looked at before she closed her eyes was Anna, in some shape or form. And no matter what, an Anna would be one of the first few things she saw when she opened her eyes in the morning. It would remind her that she made it through another night, that Anna was still alive and well with Elsa near, and that she had another day with her to look forward to.
There was a very good chance Elsa wasn't the first royal sister who figured that out.
Regardless, at the end of each day, Elsa would look at her doll, whisper, "Goodnight, Anna," and fall asleep at peace, even if the night became less peaceful.
Meanwhile at the end of every night in Anna's room, she would hug her Elsa doll tight, announce, "Goodnight, Elsa!" and close her eyes with a smile – now that she knew she would wake up and see the real Elsa the next day.
As much as that helped Anna, Elsa took the bigger leap forward.
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With her Anna doll in her room, it wasn't just a prison of isolation for her anymore. At last, there was a piece of Anna in that room that she could keep safe, and it would brighten up that lonely room in return. Suddenly, this room of solitude and self-hatred felt less intimidating to her.
Now that it was, it was just the trigger she needed to move out of it.
Elsa would later readily admit she could have done this right after the Great Thaw – and would later give Anna a lot of credit for holding back on asking her. But in any case, Elsa was now ready to take all her possessions from her room, and move it to an adjoining room right next to Anna's.
As for her old room, it would be converted into a guest room for visiting dignitaries and friends, who would always know it as a welcoming, open place to rest. Elsa's new room would forever be known to her as a place without fear as well – at least without fear that couldn't be overcome.
Especially with doll Anna nearby, as well as the door leading to real Anna's room.
Once Elsa was comfortable sleeping in her room and seeking out her sister, she told herself she wouldn't need to sleep near her Anna doll for long. After all, it was still silly for queens to say goodnight to a doll of their sister every night, particularly when it wasn't necessary anymore.
Yet every time Elsa tried to talk herself into putting that doll away, it never left its spot. Except when Anna was away overnight or on a trip without Elsa – in which case she would neither confirm nor deny the doll was on her pillow all night.
Otherwise, the maids knew not to move it from the nightstand, especially whenever Elsa had the fabric touched up – which were the same standing orders for the Elsa doll. Even when the Anna doll got older, when….another came to sleep in her bed, and when other little ones barged in during the night, it stayed put.
Being a creature of near impossible routine as it was, it became easier for Elsa to just let it be.
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And so the Anna doll stayed in its place, smiling at Elsa and sending its love through her calm and rough nights.
Right up to the last one.
Days later, the doll would be placed in Elsa's arms, to keep her company as she rested for all time.
But not before the new queen of Arendelle – and her own very familiar doll – gave them one last kiss and whispered, "Goodnight, Elsa," before they were officially locked in together forever.
THE END