Title: Why, oh, Why Did This Happen to Me?
Author: Sophie
Rating: PG-13
I hope the title didn't throw any one off, this is supposed to be a comedy, first and foremost, and then a romance, but not a cheesy one. When you finish this chapter you'll realize why I named it 'Why, oh, Why Did This Happen to Me?.' I wanted to be different and write a non-cliché comedy, and here's my attempt. I would love to know your thoughts, so please review. I'm also praying right at this very moment that I get no flames…pleasepleasepleaseplease! BTW; site- Transparent Wings…I don't work with it much anymore, but that's because it's not my baby anymore…it's all grown up with lots of stuff sniff sniff uhhh…don't believe the things I say I'm gonna do with it, okay? I forget too easily. hahaha
OKAY! This is the revised version because I was a big dork when I first wrote it…oh, wait, I'm still a major geek…whatever, it's still revised; apparently I really liked exclamation points shakes heads in disgust
I, Relena Peacecraft, have a confession to make. I am totally and completely a sucker for cheesy historical romance novels. You know, the kind where the main character has a name like Marianna or Alyn, and they possess an unusual beauty. They have, like, purple eyes and long blue-black hair, or silvery gold tresses. And the hero is jaded because of some past misfortune with women, and he has a truckload of polished beauties following him around and shaking their handkerchiefs. And in the end the fresh personality and innocent nature of the heroine always wins over the man…but I digress. As I was saying I'm addicted. I think the reason is that I have so little romance in my own life. I swear the height of romance is the red 'romance scented' candle on my nightstand. I never in a million years thought that I would participate in one. And truly, if someone told me I would-and I had believed it-I would have thought I would be the beautiful heroine (magically transformed into someone with lighter blond hair, long curvaceous legs and higher cheekbones), and I would meet the perfect guy. But noooo, I get none of that good stuff. Ah! Wait, I'm giving it away! Let me start at the beginning.
I sat in my room with the door locked one evening a couple nights after my nineteenth birthday, reading a contraband romance novel slipped to me by Dorothy after my party. She, surprisingly, shared my little secret. Anyway I was reading in my locked room, regardless of what the servants thought about my self-imposed solitude, when I happened to glance out of the French doors that led to ay balcony, and, for a split second, saw a person dart across the cobblestone path directly over the rosebushes. This in itself wasn't really strange, except for the fact that the rose bushes are waxing three feet high! I slipped the book under my pillow and moved to the French doors to get a better look.
I peered in the direction I saw the form go, and saw nothing. Astounded, I heard my neck crack as I whipped it around to look in the other direction. Nothing. Nothing at all. I unlocked the doors and pulled it open, stepping out onto the balcony. I once again looked around, and saw nothing.
Suddenly I heard a dry cackling coming from directly below me. "Princess!" the person called. I blinked, and then slowly turned my head downwards. There stood the strangest looking woman I had ever seen. She stood below my balcony with a bandanna tied around her head and robes of many different colors and patterns swathed around her. I wondered for a moment if a gypsy had escaped from a mental institution.
"Um…yes?" I asked, for the moment not dwelling on how she had smuggled herself in past all the security.
"I have a cat!" she said gleefully in her raspy voice.
I blinked again. "That's…nice…" I couldn't fathom her reason for being here, and was tempted to yell; "SECURITY!" and go have the old bat arrested. I, being mildly stupid and irresponsible for what felt like the first time in years, didn't. It was purely a self-serving reason. If I did it would be ages before I got back to my book.
The old woman made a face at me. "Don't patronize me!" she screeched. I open my mouth to reply, but then couldn't think of a non-patronizing reply, so I just nodded. "Listen closely, dear. I have a cat!" Duh. "And he's been a faithful companion to me. But sadly, I cannot keep him longer, my time here is up."
"You're going to die?" I asked un-tactfully, and possibly a little distraught.
"Huh? What? No, you idiot girl! I'm moving to the L2 colony! And stop interrupting!"
I laughed sheepishly. "Uh, sorry 'bout that…"
"As you should be," the old woman huffed. "Anyway, as I was saying, I can not take my Mr.Schnookums with me-"
"Mr.Schnookums?" I asked skeptically.
"Quiet!" The old woman bellowed. I nodded. "Since you seem to have a penchant for interrupting me I'll make this short. I'm giving Mr.Schnookums (I think I smothered laughter about here) to you, even though you are undeserving. He likes bananas and spaghetti, and his favorite toy is yarn in a ball. He also is fond of catnip, so you better buy him some!"
"Wha…?"
"Silence! He is also a magical cat!" Here she cackled gleefully once again. "He can do anything if he has a whim to! So be careful how you treat him!"
Right about now I was ready to call security and have them tote this fruitcake back to the funny farm. Before I could, however, the biggest cat I ever saw appeared in her arms from nowhere, and she tossed him up to me. The balcony was at least fifteen feet off the ground, and this frail, bony old woman was tossing a huge dog-sized cat up to me! Amazingly he flew over the handrail and straight into my arms, knocking me down on my butt, and exorcizing from me most of the air in my lungs. When I struggled out from underneath the monstrosity I jumped up to look out over the balcony again, but found no sign of the old hag. Damn it, just my luck; now I was saddled down with the gigantic cat from a weirdo gypsy!
I turned to the thing and sighed. "Guess it's just you and me…Mr.Schnookums."
For the rest of the day-about three hours-I sat reading and petting the cat, which lay heavily on my lap. He must have weighed twenty pounds! He was a fluffy guy with fine long black fur, which gave him the appearance of being fatter than he actually was-which is saying something, believe me. I've never been a pet person, and I always thought that if I got a pet it would be a dog, rather than a cat, but after a few short hours of Mr.Schnookums purring contentedly on my lap while I stroked his soft fur I knew that I could never give up this 'magical' cat. Really, I thought, the only thing magical about this cat is that he didn't have heart problems and clogged arteries from the large amounts of food that he obviously consumed.
It was around seven when I finished my book, and placed it with the others under my blue Persian rug, and finally opened my door to trek downstairs for some dinner. Mr.Schnookums followed at my heals, so closely that I could feel his fur brush them occasionally. Since I meant to keep the big bundle of fat and hair I decided that now was as good a time as any to introduce him to Millardo and everyone. I don't think they found him as charming as I did…especially when he began to hack as if he were going to throw up, and then expelled a hairball. Quite lovely.
My brother eyed him with distaste. "You want to keep…that?"
I pulled my head up higher and looked down at him where he was seated on the couch. "Yes."
Normally I didn't act that way. I was usually very diplomatic and correct when talking to anybody, and was very flexible. But damn it, I wanted this cat! So, of course, I acted like a spoiled brat. Lately I had to admit, I was growing tired of the monotony of my life. All day long it was Relena I want this, Relena I want that, Relena, will you be in my commercial, Relena, I'm gonna kill you…nag, nag, nag. I had to attend boring meetings and soothe ruffled feathers and put up with large male egos. I'm only nineteen! I mean really, what am I supposed to do? I needed a man. Sadly, yes, that's what it came down to for me. I hadn't had a rewarding relationship with a male other than my father, and I was getting restive. I know, I know, all you females out there are clucking at me and shaking your fingers. Be your own person, you say. Well, let me tell you something. I've been my own person for too long! Tell me; if you were a nineteen-year-old girl and hadn't had a boyfriend since you were fourteen, wouldn't you be feeling a tad bitter, and more than a little jealous of girls who had them? Right, I thought so. Really, if you think about it this brings us full circle back to my romance novels…
What was I talking about again? Oh, right! Mr.-ahem-Schnookums, the magical kitty…or whatever. Millardo let me keep the cat even though he took an immediate dislike to him-mostly because the hairball was coughed onto his new expensive Italian leather shoes. The next day I took the cat to the veterinarian. That was a twenty-minute drive into the capitol city of Sanq, called, not surprisingly, Sanq city. It was on the news that very night that the 'former pacifist princess' had gotten herself a cat. There was a lovely video of me trying to juggle Mr.Schnookums and all the correlating accessories as I walked out the door of the vet's and into the limo. Thank goodness they didn't follow me to the grocery store where I bought some food for Mr.Schnookums-and a new romance novel. I don't think I could have ever lived that down-to my brother or the gundam pilots.
I can just imagine the headlines; 'Former Queen of the World is into Fabio-like Men' or 'Pacifist Princess Likes 'em Steamy.' Oh, the joy.
Don't think I'd forgotten about the old woman, though. I still looked for her out in the gardens every chance I got. Why did she give me her precious kitty? What was the old woman babbling about? Why does a cold drink leave a ring on wooden tables?
But I digress, so anyway I was wondering about the old battle-ax. I asked the cat all sorts of questions about her; even knowing he wouldn't answer (I had hoped that's what she meant by 'magical cat,' but nothing ever works out for me). This does lend importance to my story, okay? The point I'm trying to make is that I was thinking about the strange possible-mental institution-escapee. So a few nights after I got Mr.Schnookums I was laying in bed at about one thirty am, unable to sleep, mostly because Mr.Schnookums was crushing me, when I felt a presence in my room. No, all you Heero fans, it wasn't the stoic ex-gundam pilot. I turned towards the balcony doors, and there she was, the gypsy-type woman, standing right inside their open passage. Damn traitorous doors. Quickly I jumped up, Mr.Schnookums rolling off my legs, and flipped on the light. The old woman said nothing, just stared at me. This time I did open my mouth to scream for security, but only a breathless squeak was released. I grabbed my throat and gasped for air. I found quickly that if I refrained from talking I could breathe. I glared ominously at the woman, but was surprised to find her look averted from me. I turned to where she gazed to see Mr.Schnookums concentrating his gaze on my face! I peered into his eyes and saw a disconcerting amount of intelligence in them. And then I realized; he was keeping me from yelling for my guards!
Fine, I said mentally, be that way. I won't call them! As suddenly as I was unable to talk, I was able to once again. I contemplated trying to yell again, but at a look from my newly adopted kitty I decided it wasn't all that great of an idea. I cleared my throat. "Can I help you?" I asked, much like the diplomat I had been trained to be.
"So you wanted to ask me some things, dearie?" she said. I nodded. "Well then, what?"
I had totally and completely forgotten what I wanted to ask her about. Ten points, Relena. "Uh…ehhh...well, er…"
"I haven't got all day girl! My shuttle leaves in two hours, and I will never see you again!"
"Uhhh, Well, what did you mean by him being magical…and how did you get past security? Where are you from? Why do you wear those clothes? What's your name? Why couldn't I just talk a second ago?" The questions came pouring out.
"My Mr.Schnookums is a magical kitty. If he feels like it he can perform any feat possible!"
I paused to think. "Like circus animals?" I asked
"Huh?" the woman's face screwed up in confusion. "Wha…NO! Geez! He can make things happen! Once, not long ago he made me into a young and beautiful woman!"
"Yeah, that's quite a feat," I agreed. She sent me a sour look.
"That's all I have time for, I'm going!"
She began to wrap her shawls around her, and I feared she would disappear. "Wait!" I cried.
"What?" she asked, annoyed.
"What is something happens to me? Don't you have anything helpful to tell me? Anything to give me?" I asked hopefully.
"No. Only this piece of advice; take the cat with you when you go."
"You mean I have a choice of when I go? Wait a second! I'm going somewhere?" I asked
"No! I mean take him with you everywhere!" Ha! Tough luck, Mr.Schnookums! "I'm leaving now. Treat my baby well!" She hopped over to the door and opened it, gave me one last glare, and then stomped out, slamming it behind her. It was…anticlimactic, to say the least.
The next day was actually one I had been looking forward to for a bit before my birthday. Heero Yuy was coming to see me. He hadn't come to my birthday party, and I hadn't expected him to, but he never missed my birthday, never. I really wonder why…anyway I had gotten a letter from him a few days before my party saying that he couldn't be there but he would stop by on the Thursday after. No apology for missing it, but, again, I didn't expect or want one. So I took extra care with my hair that morning, braiding the twin strands extra tight, and brushing my hair until it shone, and then dressing in a casual yet flattering dress. Now I don't want you to get the impression that I'm madly in love with Heero, or anything like that. He was just one of the few people of the male gender that I associated with by choice, and I did want him to have a good impression of me. I only got to see him once or twice a year, anyway.
So I walked down the stairs, happy to have a day off (I always took a day off when I saw Heero), and sat at the dining room table with Mr.Schnookums warming my feet. I had breakfast, taking my time so that I wouldn't have to wait around and twiddle my thumbs. All too soon I had finished, so I trudged upstairs and sat down on my bed, the cat following suit. After a while I became annoyed with myself. I was acting like a kid on Christmas morning! What was wrong with me? I decided to spite myself and the thought of Heero, by pulling out my favorite novel from under my rug, and crack it open to the place I had left off.
Soon I was lost in it and took no notice of the hours passing by, when suddenly I heard a voice from the doorway.
"Relena."
I was so startled that I jerked my head up and the book popped out of my hands. I played catch with it for about thirty seconds before I finally got a firm hold on it, and then quickly tried to hide it behind my back. I blushed and pasted an overly-bright smile on my face. Smooth, Relena, real smooth.
Heero looked at me for a second with amusement playing in his eyes. "What was that?" he asked.
"A book," I mumbled, and shoved it into the drawer of my nightstand.
"Mmmm…"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked annoyed.
He looked at me in surprise for a moment. I had never talked like that to him before. Yep, I'd always been too docile. Of course I was also surprised at my own actions. I quickly tried to cover them up. "Ah, come in, Heero," I invited. He did and sat down on a chair beside me bed.
"New?" he asked and gestured to the cat.
"Yep, got him a couple days after my birthday." I answered with a touch of pride in my voice, though only God knows why I'd be proud of that tub of lard.
"What's his name?" He inquired. I choked. How could I tell this man that my cat's name was-uugh-Mr.Schnookums?
After I didn't respond Heero lifted an eyebrow. "Well?"
"It's…uh…Mr.Schnookums." I said and blushed what I'll bet was a deep fire-truck red. I rambled on in my embarrassment. "But I didn't name him and as soon as I find a better on that's what I'll call him. The old lady who gave him to me was…" I trailed off when it looked as if Heero almost cracked a smile.
"He's kind of fat, isn't he," Heero commented, scratching the cat's shoulders. The cat immediately stopped purring and eyed Heero with annoyance.
"I wouldn't make that cat mad, if I were you." I said, becoming anxious.
Heero looked at me. "And why not?"
"Well…uh…" Truthfully I didn't know, but I had a bad feeling. Call it a woman's intuition. "Just because…"
"This cat wouldn't know if I called it fat or stupid, or smelly. It's just a cat." The cat was looking increasingly annoyed, and the stupid gundam pilot was just going on with his list of bad attributes of my cat. It was starting to annoy me, too.
"Heero, stop. Look at Mr.Schnookums, he's getting mad."
"Come on, Relena, it's just a cat. It's just like every other dumb animal…" He kept going on. Does anyone else think that Heero was acting really childishly? I swear it wouldn't have surprised me if he had pulled the poor thing's tail. He was acting very…out of character. He still spoke in monotone, but he was making fun of my cat.
I looked down at Mr.Schnookums in time to see him turn the steady gaze he had held on me last night to Heero.
"Uh oh…" I said. The cat turned to me and I saw his like for me in his eyes…but I was still scared. Especially when the room seemed to melt around him, Heero, and I. Heero jumped up and grabbed my arm. The walls dripped away and I found myself on solid ground with Heero still attached to me.
"Relena, we may be in trouble," he said taking in the surroundings.
I wanted to make a face and say; "Oh, you think?" but refrained. I was in enough trouble. We stood on a dusty path surrounded by trees, and the bright blue sky stretched out overhead. Where had we been taken? In the pristine silence Both Heero and I heard a fluttering come from above us. A piece of paper fluttered down and I jumped up and caught it.
Relena,
I have decided that I'm going to give you what you wanted, and annoy this boy who makes fun of me in the process. I've given you your romance world, which you seem to crave (I gather this from you choice of reading materials), and I imagine that the boy will see this very same world as distasteful. Give him my regards.
Mr.Schnookums
P.S. You may not be getting exactly what you want, Relena.
Well, isn't Mr.Schnookums eloquent?
"What's that say?" asked Heero, wanting all the information. I could practically hear him switching into soldier mode.
"Uh…" I'm sure you can see why I didn't want to show Heero the note. Too bad, Relena. He took it from my hands and read over it.
"What's going on?" he groaned "Am I dreaming, because this is too strange to be real!"
All the while I was getting steadily more mad. Why did I have to be here? I liked reading romance novels, not being in them! "What's going on here," I practically screamed, "is that you pissed of Mr.Schnookums! I told you to stop making fun of him, but nooo! For the first time in your life you acted like a normal person, and where does it get you? Put into a cheesy romance, that's where!" Suddenly I heard a rough grating coming nearer. Heero and I both turned to see a wagon drawn by horses come down the path. I almost jumped for joy.
When it came up beside us it stopped, and the driver, a middle-aged man with a hearty beard leaned down to talk to us. "Ah, if 'tisn't the lady and her manservant!" I must have grinned like a hyena. Heero turned green. This was seeming better and better every moment. "Would you be in need of a ride?"
"Yes, I would be very grateful for one!" I said. "Could you take me to…" I trailed off and hesitated. I mean, where exactly could I go? "Take me to my home?"
"Certainly, milady. I would be honored. Will your manservant walk?"
"NO! Ah… no. He shall stay with me," I answered. I turned to look at Heero and saw him standing there with a confused and slightly disgusted look on his face. "Come on, Heero," I said and pulled my self up beside the driver. Heero had to ride in the back. Heh, heh, heh...
The man dropped us off by the doorway to a castle, which the village Heero and I had landed not far from surrounded. Lucky us we had landed inside the gates. On the way there I used my diplomatic skills to find out about Heero and myself. It seemed that I was the lady of this castle, and had been good naturedly deemed a 'witch' for my healing and matchmaking skills. The lord of the castle had gone off to fight in a battle, which word had reached us that said he had won! I just knew it! I would finally get my romance! The lord would come home, and he and I would be in love, and we'd live happily ever after…until I went home, that is.
So Heero and I were escorted to my room (thank goodness, other wise I wouldn't have known where to go), and I threw myself down on the bed imagining the Lord of this castle. Tall, I thought with dark hair and green eyes…
Heero just looked at me with disgust when I voiced these opinions.
"Aren't you worried about how you're going to get home?"
I turned my head slightly to look at him. "Actually, I'm trying not to," I said, and then realized it was true. I was worried. In the back of my mind I was hoping that soon my magical cat would come and whisk me away back to my cozy room. I sighed.
"We just have to make the best of this until everything is back to normal, okay? Play along; it won't kill you, you know! It'll just make things easier."
"I don't like this." He said, his monotone voice still not shaken. "I need to be in control."
I laughed. "You of all people should know that if you try hard enough you can always be in control!" I had been taught this, as only a political figure, he, as soldier, should have been told this too.
He was silent for a few minutes and than he replied. "You're right." I sat back stunned.
"I-I am?"
"Yes. And I'm giving you a mission. Find out as much information as possible about our lives here. Understood?"
"Yes…" I answered uncertainly.
"Good. I'm going to-"
He was cut off by a shout from the watchtower. "The Lord returns! The Lord returns!" I grabbed Heero's hand and dragged him down the stairs to the hall, once again imagining this man I had set my hopes on. I was fairly jumping up and down with excitement. Heero rolled his eyes, but it didn't stop me from being excited, though it did calm me. A young but not so handsome man walked up to me and smiled.
"Anxious to see your brother, are you? I wonder what his new bride will look like?" he pondered.
This stifled my happiness immediately. How could this be? I thought. Then it hit me; the last line of Mr.Schnookums' letter. 'You may not be getting exactly what you want, Relena.' Oh! Damn that cat! Yes, I was in a romance novel, but I was not the heroine, I was a supporting character! I got no lord and possibly no romance! I could even be a bad character! The sister mad because she was no longer the lady of the house!
The man looked at me strangely when all the excitement faded away from my features. "Is anything wrong, Lady Relena?"
In response I turned to Heero and whispered, "I wanna go home," before I fell crying into his arms. How could fate be so cruel? And Heero can't comfort very well. He just stood there like a rock. Sometimes men can be so stupid.
It was actually a long time later when my brother-who wasn't Millardo, to my dismay-made it to the castle. His name, I found out was Rory.
"Stupid corny name," I mumbled and Heero nodded in agreement. Well, I thought, maybe something good will come from this. Maybe we'll become good friends, or something.
"You know something?" I commented to Heero. "I don't understand this plot. It makes no sense! It's like we're in the middle ages because of the castle and battles and stuff, but we're not talking like they do in those kinds of novels…it's like a mix between that and a regency romance." I kind of drifted off into my own world thinking about regency romances, which were my favorite. I actually hated the ones set in the middle ages. Heero snorted in annoyance at my girly-ness and turned towards the portal.
When the great door opened the first man to come in was my Brother, followed closely by his new, beautiful, innocent wife. He was tall and looked about thirty. He sported gray eyes that contrasted with his blond hair. I knew I was being nasty, but I leaned over to Heero and Said; "all romance novels are the same. I'll bet she's scared, but innocent, but is free willed and that my brother dislikes all women for some stupid reason. Ugh! Can't anyone be original? Romance novels are so cheesy!" I was actually a sucker for that very same plot, but I was tired and pissed. I couldn't help being spiteful.
"Really?" Heero asked. "The plot never varies?"
I shrugged. "Not usually."
"Well, take your own advice," Heero whispered back, "and act the part."
I sighed, but nodded, resigned to my fate. I rushed up to my brother. "Oh! How wonderful to see you again, alive and well! I was so afraid for your life." Oops, might have overdone it a bit there. Oh well.
"Sister, it is wonderful to see you again, as well. Come, meet my new bride." He talked with a complete lack of exclamation points, just like a certain someone else I know.
I turned to the beautiful woman. She had bright blue eyes and fiery red gold hair. Lucky. "Oh, how wonderful to meet you, I hope you will feel at home here." I hoped that I was convincing, even though this girl wouldn't know the difference, anyway.
"I thank you," she said and curtsied. I curtsied back.
"Father chose well didn't he?" Rory asked me with a tad bit of hardening in his voice.
"She seems wonderful." I answered back uneasily, though he couldn't hold a candle to Heero when he was in soldier mode. Nothing's that cold and efficient. It also made me swoon, God knows why. Now what? I stood silently, and the commotion around us died down. "Uh, won't you come to supper now? The food is prepared." Well, at least I hoped so.
"Of course, sister, I'm starving, and I'm sure my wife is as well." He turned to Heero. "How goes it?"
Heero grunted in a positive way (maybe), and then turned to join me as we sat down to eat.
At the end of the meal I was becoming annoyed by all the drunk men who danced around like idiots and the women who threw themselves at the nearest male. I tugged self-consciously at my skirt, wondering why no one had asked me about it's strange style…but then again, I was the lady-witch. I probably was a bit eccentric in personality and style.
I finally realized that there was so much merriment because it was a wedding feast! Why had I not thought of that before? Long after the sun went down, and even longer after I lost my patience I was finally allowed to go to bed. But there was a problem. Where did Heero stay? Could I get to him if I needed him? After a pause I went to a servant. "Where shall my manservant sleep tonight?"
She stared at me for a moment, and then rushed off and whispered something to my brother. He seemed to sigh, though I couldn't hear it, and he walked over to me. I was so scared I had done something wrong that I was shaking all over. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to see Heero standing beside me, a worried look on his face.
"I'm okay," I whispered, as my brother finally stopped directly in front of me.
"Sister, I know you don't like to have your manservant in your room at night, but ever since the attack on your…honor, I can not let you go unguarded. Ever. So please go to sleep, and no more complaints or trying to trick the servants into putting him in a different room, understood?"
I smiled in exquisite relief. "Yes!" I cried. "Come on, Heero!" I grabbed his hand and dragged him up the stairs into our room.
Heero made his bed on the floor beside mine, and we lay silently in the darkness for a long while. It's strange. You never knew what dark really is until you know that you can't have light, I thought.
At last Heero turned to me. "Relena?"
"Yes?"
"You were right. Romance novels are cheesy." With that he rolled over onto his other side and went to sleep.