Cartoon Chaos
"Gee, Brain, what are we gon' ta do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world."
Brain rubbed his hands together, his beady little eyes studying the map that lay before them.
"What's it a map of?"
I was just getting to that, Pinky.
Now, as I was saying..
.His beady little eyes studying the map that lay before them.The map of.St. Canard.
"I don't understand, Brain," Pinky began, "Why are we gon' ta try and take over St. Canard? What do we want with some Disney cartoon setting? And, anyway, Brain, St. Canard is protected by Darkwing Duck.You know." Pinky towered in over Brain, face hidden by shadows, "I am the terror that flaps in the night.None of the villains ever get to take over St. Canard.Besides, Brain, it's just a cartoon..NARF!"
Brain glared at his less than intelligent sidekick. "First of all, Pinky, so are we. And second, the only reason that idiot Darkwing Duck is able to keep St. Canard safe is because he is only facing Disney villains. However, Pinky, we are trademarks of Warner Brothers Inc. Disney Inc. trembles in fear at the mere mention of the name Warner Brothers Inc. And Disney Inc. heroes, therefore, also tremble in fear at the mention of Warner Brothers Inc villains. Like me Pinky!"
"And me too Brain?"
"No, Pinky, they only tremble for fear that they might get sucked into the vacuum that rests inside your head."
* * * Later that day in St. Canard. * * *
"I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the erasable ink pen that will not erase. I am Dark Wiiiiiiiiiing Duck!"
The cloud of smoke in the deserted hallway at Digitech labs cleared, revealing our masked hero standing proud, standing ready, and standing.
Completely alone. Feeling really, really stupid -
"Hey! You coulda just left it at alone!"
Sorry Darkwing.
Now, as I was saying.
.Standing completely alone.
"Now I was sure that Sparky was around here somewhere. Aha!" DW discovered the partially removed vent cover. "He must have thought he could escape me by slithering out through the building ventilation system like the slippery snake he is. But Darkwing Duck doesn't give up that easily! I'll just have to crawl through after him."
"Get real, Dad," a voice said from behind him, causing DW to jump about six feet in the air. When he landed, the vent cover was knocked loose and fell on his foot. "You'll never fit through there."
"Gosalyn!" DW said exasperatedly, hopping on one foot in cartoonesque frustration, "I thought I told you to wait in the Ratcatcher!"
"You did," was the innocent reply, "But I thought you could use some help. Besides, dad, Elvis left the building a half hour ago."
"You mean Megavolt escaped?" DW gaped.
"No, Darkwing, Elvis. I saw Elvis leave the building. I haven't seen Megavolt."
"Don't be ridiculous, Gosalyn. Everyone knows that Elvis is living in a trailer park on the other side of the Canadian border." DW knelt, peering into the vent. "Now, let's find out where this vent leads."
* * * Meanwhile. * * *
On a half-lit street somewhere in St. Canard, the King is out for a midnight stroll.
"Egad, Brain, don't you think Elvis is a little bit too, oh, gee, Brain, I don't know, conspirious for a disguise?"
"Conspicuous, Pinky, and no, no more so than two genetically altered lab mice carrying a giant remote control would appear. Besides, Pinky. It's three o'clock in the morning. All the goody-goody citizens of St. Canard are fast asleep in their beds."
"But what about that little girl who saw us Brain? What is she runs home and tells her mommy and daddy that she saw Elvis?"
"They wouldn't believe her, Pinky. Everyone knows that Elvis is living in a trailer park on the other side of the Canadian border."
* * * Back at Digitech. * * *
"OK, Gosalyn, on the count of three. one, two, three, PUSH!"
After a few moments more struggle, Darkwing is released from clutches of the vicious vent, landing face down on the floor of the lab.
"I told you you'd never fit." Said Gosalyn, crawling out from behind.
"For your information, young lady, the vent shrank." DW looked around. "Hello. And what have we here?"
"DW and Gosalyn approached the empty wooden shipping crate. "Since when does ACME deliver to the St. Canard zipcode? Gosalyn, this could only be the work of one malevolent mega-multi-million dollar conglomerate. Warner Brothers."
"But what would Warner Brothers want in St. Canard?"
"Elementary, my dear Gosalyn. Digitech has just finished rebuilding Megavolt's remote control. The SHUSH lab techs who work at Digitech improved on his original design, and it can now control the operation of any electronic device."
"Keen gear! I'd never have to vacuum again!"
"I thought that Megavolt would be trying to steal it back. However it looks like we have far more serious problems. Fortunately, the thieves haven't gotten the microchip that makes the whole thing tick."
"Where's that, dad?"
"Safe in the vaults of SHUSH headquarters, Gosalyn. Locked up so tight that not even a mouse could get in. Well, unless it was some super intelligent, genetically altered lab mouse. But what are the odds of that?" Darkwing headed towards the exit. "At any rate we need to warn J. Gander Hooter, and see if he can get a message to the head of Disney."
* * * In an abandoned greenhouse somewhere in St. Canard. * * *
"This is it, Pinky. Our new secret headquarters."
"A greenhouse, Brain? Ooh! Can I start an herb garden? Martha Stewart says that having your own herb garden is an excellent way to supplement your everyday diet."
"There isn't time for that, Pinky. We have to carry on with stage two of my plan. We have the remote control, now we need to get the microchip to make it work. And then, Pinky, St. Canard will be MINE!!!!! Excuse me for a moment, Pinky, while I laugh maniacally to reinforce my position as a cartoon villain. AH ha Ha HA ha HA HAH AHAH HAAA!!!!!"
"That was very lovely, Brain," said Pinky, wiping a tear from his eye, "Point."
"Thank you, Pinky. Now that that's taken care of, make ready for plan two."
"Ooh! Is this the part where we dress up like clowns and perform on the street for the amusement of children everywhere?"
"Don't be an idiot, Pinky. My plan for world domination is far more superior than that."
* * * Outside the office of J. Gander Hooter. * * *
"Come on, Griz, we need to see J. Gander now." DW said impatiently, "It may very well be a matter of life or death!"
Agent Gryzzlikoff glared at Darkwing over a stack of paperwork. "I am afraid that is impossible," he growled, in his thick Russian accent.
"You don't understand -" began Gosalyn, but Gryzzlikoff cut her off.
"I understand quite well, young lady. I understand that any time this costumed clown shows up, total chaos is not far behind. He is a continual source of embarrassment and paperwork not only to me, but to SHUSH itself."
"Look, Griz," DW said softly through clenched teeth, "I have reason to believe that Warner Brothers is responsible for the theft of the remote."
"Really, Darkwing, don't you think that if there was any such evidence, an agent of SHUSH, such as myself, would already be on the case? I personally checked Digitech labs, Darkwing, and all the evidence points to Megavolt. You have nothing but fantasies."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, I suppose you could be right, Griz. Come on Gosalyn, I guess we'll just use this old ACME crate here for a new coffee table." DW grabbed Gosalyn's arm and turned towards the door.
"WAIT!"
"Yeeeesssss, Agent Gryzzlikoff?" asked Darkwing sweetly.
"Perhaps I was a little hasty in my investigation. Give the crate to me, and I will be sure to inform J. Gander of your findings."
"Uh-uh, Griz." DW shook his head. "I think its time for my appointment with J. Gander."
*****
"As I was telling Borsht-boy here, J. Gan, I believe that the Warner Brothers are behind the theft of the remote."
J. Gander Hooter studied the crate that Gosalyn was sitting on. "Well, as it happens, I received a call from the head of Disney this morning. He received a call from the head of Warner last night. Apparently, two Warner Brother cartoon characters have escaped the boundaries of the Warner cartoon empire. A number of cartoon props from ACME labs has also disappeared, including a Elvis look-alike robot."
"Told you so." Gosalyn muttered, receiving a glare from Darkwing.
"The head of Disney was at first suspicious that this might be an attempt of sabotage by the Warner Brothers, but once the identity of the missing toons was revealed, he became convinced that the toons had no motives but their own sick and twisted minds."
"So who are they?" Gosalyn asked.
"Two genetically altered lab mice, by the names of Pinky and the Brain."
"Hey, Darkwing, what was it you were saying about the security of the vaults here at SHUSH?"
* * *
A grotesque clown-like figure staggered towards the desk in the lobby of SHUSH. "Excuse me, can you direct me to office of J. Gander Hooter?"
The nervous secretary looked up. "I'm sorry, sir, but this building is a restricted area -"
"Don't worry, miss, I'm here with a singing telegram for Mister Hooter. Sent by one Agent Gryzzlikoff."
"Oh." The secretary blinked. "Well, if Agent Gryzzlikoff is behind it, you must be OK. Just take that elevator to the third floor, then go left."
"Thank you." The clown staggered towards the elevator.
* * * Meanwhile, in the maximum security vault. * * *
"What is this place?" inquired a mechanical voice.
"Unknown. Structure scans as late twentieth or early twenty-first century earth type."
"Earth?!" the robot-creature made a mechanical shrill of disgust. "Earthlings. Earthlings must be exterminated."
"Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!" they chorused, preparing a laser to cut their way through the vault door.
***
"The vault is right this way, Pinky." Brain said, the clown grotesque stepping out of the elevator. It walked down the hall towards the vault, unaware that Darkwing Duck was running full speed down the stairs to get to the same place.
"Now, Gosalyn, you stay back," Darkwing panted. "These rodents are dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt."
"Aw, I always miss the fun." Gosalyn said, not the least bit tired. "What can a coupla mice do anyway?"
"You should have left the girl upstairs where she could not cause trouble." Gryzzlikoff growled.
They emerged from the stairwell, and saw a clown loping in the direction of the vault. "You stay here, Gosalyn." DW whispered. "Griz, let's get dangerous!"
"Just a few more steps, Pinky, and St. Canard will be mine - Left, Pinky, left!" Brain groaned as they crashed into the protruding wall.
"Sorry, Brain -" Pinky began, stopping when a cloud of smoke appeared in front of them.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night." a dark but distinct voice began, "I am the technician in the labs of justice. I am Darkwing Duck!" The smoke cleared, and Darkwing glared menacingly on the clown before him. "Your crime spree is over, rodent."
Brain pushed the disguise out of his way so that he could glare at Darkwing in return. "I suppose that you think you can stop me."
"You cannot escape," Gryzzlikoff said approaching, "You have no where to hide. Therefore -" He was nailed in the face with a boxing glove, and knocked to the other side of the corridor.
Brain discarded the cartoon prop he had stolen from Wakko. "Unless you are prepared to suffer a humiliating defeat at my hands, duck, I suggest you go back to the costume party you came from."
"Uh, Darkwing," Gosalyn whispered, "I think you might want to move."
"I told you to stay put, Gosalyn." Darkwing said, without turning. "Go back to the stairwell."
"But, Darkwing -!"
"Now!?" he responded in exasperation.
They were all enveloped in a bream of bright light.
* * * In Quackerjack's headquarters in an old toy factory. * * *
"What do you think of my new toy, Bushroot?" Quackerjack asked.
"That depends on what it does." The mutant plant duck responded without enthusiasm.
"Gee, Mr. Banana Brain, I think bushy is cranky. He needs a nap."
"Just tell me what it does!" snapped Bushroot. He was starting to get a headache from Quackerjack's consistent pranks, and so he was getting very crabby.
"Why," he wound up the small toy soldier, and sat it on the floor. It began to walk toward a row of Darkwing duck dolls. "It blows things up!"
Just as the little soldier raised it little gun and shot a little laser beam, the room was lit up with a bright flash of light.
Bushroot and Quackerjack were immediately surrounded by a curious ensemble - Darkwing and Gosalyn, a clown costume with two white rats sticking out, and two robots. The robots were chanting "exterminate" as they repositioned their laser cannons to aim at the rest of the ensemble. Quackerjack's toy soldier called for reinforcements, and a swarm of the tin men leaped down off of a workbench in and attempt to come to the aid of their creator.
"Exterminate!" chanted the Darlechs.
"Where the - Quackerjack? Bushroot?" Darkwing was puzzled as to the sudden appearance of the two villains.
"Quickly, Pinky!" Brain said, pulling his sidekick with him as he leapt to the ground. "Run!"
But it was too late. Both the Darlechs and the tin soldiers fired their lasers, and the group was once again enveloped in a flash of illumination.
* * * In Megavolt's lighthouse hideout. * * *
Megavolt threw the envelope from the Power Company across the room. "Those people have some nerve." He commented to a convenient lamp. "Superfluous consumption of electricity? I'll show them 'superfluous consumption of electricity!"
He aimed his giant laser at the top of the power company head offices. "Let's see how they like having their electricity turned off!" He turned on the laser beam, and was surprised to find the room bombarded with light. "What the -?"
Megavolt froze and the laser began to power down, but as soon as he recognized that one of the intruders was Darkwing Duck, he swung the laser to bear down on the group. "All right. Nobody move." He growled, processing the group before him. Darkwing and the little brat that follows him around, two small white mice, several tin soldiers, the pieces of what looked like two robots, and his allies from the fearsome five, Bushroot and Quackerjack. "You two," he snapped, pointing at the villains, get over here." "Hey, I thought you said nobody move!" the girl said sweetly.
"Shut up!" Megavolt responded, aiming the laser directly at her. Darkwing stepped in front of her as protection. Megavolt watched him carefully, in case he was planning to try something.
Megavolt wasn't the only one who was sizing up the crowd. This was really the first time that the group had had a chance to figure out who was there. "I know you!" Bushroot said, pointing at the two mice. "You're the two rodents who infested my greenhouse!"
"I told you somebody lived there, Brain." Pinky murmured.
"They must have felt right at home," commented Darkwing, who had slowly been edging towards the door. "What with the vermin that you usually keep for company."
"I don't allow rats in my - HEY!" he said, getting Darkwing's implications. "It's not like I have any choice." He muttered, too low for anyone to hear. He was getting sick of the Fearsome Five and wanted out, but he couldn't risk what they would do to him if he tried to back out. Especially what Negaduck would do. Oh, well, he thought, I guess it isn't that bad. I still have my plants.
"You be quiet, duck!" Megavolt hissed, repositioning his laser.
"Say, Meggie, that's a nice new toy you've got there." Quackerjack gazed at the gun admiringly.
"Thanks." Megavolt couldn't resist the desire to brag. "I built it myself. It gave me something to do since Darkwing took my remote away from me. Looks like I get to get even." He powered up the laser. "Wait a minute!" he said, his eyes catching something in the mess on the floor. "Is that my remote?"
Darkwing made a lunge for the remote, and in an almost graceful roll, made it to safety before Megavolt fired the laser. Unfortunately, as soon as the laser went off, they were once again transported in a bright burst of light.
They reappeared in Negaduck's high rise apartment, interrupting Negaduck and Liquidator in the middle of some serious plotting. Negaduck whirled to face the crowd. "What the h***?" He slowly processed the intruders. Megavolt? Bushroot? Quackerjack?. DARKWING DUCK!" He growled, drawing a laser gun from his side, and bringing it to bear on DW.
"Wait!" Brain commanded, "Don't fire it!"
"Who the h*** are you?" Negaduck growled, glaring at the white rat that had spoken.
"I am The Brain," He said, "And if you fire that weapon you will regret it."
"I doubt that very much." Negaduck snarled, trigger finger itching.
Megavolt pulled Bushroot and Quackerjack away from the target area of the gun. Gosalyn slid in closer to Darkwing, and Pinky crept up to cower behind Brain. "You will," Brain said. "There's no telling where we'll end up next if you fire that thing."
Negaduck glanced at Megavolt. "What's he talking about?"
"Beats me." Megavolt shrugged.
"I do." Darkwing said quietly.
"Do I care?" Negaduck responded with mock sweetness.
"Fire the laser - go on. I dare you. See where we end up. You won't kill me and you'll loose your advantage." Darkwing shrugged.
Brain turned to face him, interested at the ploy. Darkwing had to know very well that he would be killed at that range, just as the toy soldiers had destroyed the two robots.
"All right, I will." Negaduck said. "I'll fry you, the girl, and the mice."
"Ok, suit yourself. But when we appear in the air over Audubon Bay, and you drown because you can't swim - "
"What is he talking about?" Negaduck looked to Megavolt once more for explanation, and when Megavolt shrugged, he said, "Never mind."
"Wait." Bushroot interrupted, earning a leer from Negaduck and the rest of the five, and a surprised look from Darkwing, which narrowed into a suspicious glare. "Let him explain. Something strange is going on here, ever since those two mice showed up in my greenhouse."
"Fine," Negaduck barked. "Start with the mice. Explain yourselves."
"My name is Pinky." Pinky said with a curtsey.
Brain rolled his eyes. "We are Pinky and the Brain, two super intelligent genetically altered laboratory mice with the intent of global domination. Two Warner Brothers villains."
"Warner?!? !@#$ !!!" Negaduck said, bringing the laser to bear on them. "What the h*** are you doing here?"
"Trying to take over the world. I won't waste my time explaining my plan like the rest of you monotonous villains seem to prefer, giving the hero the time he needs to plot his escape and our capture. However, I came here to steal Megavolt's remote control, and the chip that activates it."
"So?"
"I used a laser to create a tear in the Space-Toon Continuum in order to be able to leave ACME Acres and cross over into Disneyland."
"So?"
"So?" Darkwing mocked. "You're normally so much more astute than that Neggy. Every time a laser is fired, it enlarges the tear in the Space-Toon Continuum."
"Oh, I get it," Megavolt said. "The proto-electric field around my remote is interacting with the elastostatic tear in the Space-Toon Continuum, and instant matter transportation results when the radioactivity of the light triggers the plasma field influx of the electromaton tear."
They all stared at Megavolt in stunned silence, until Gosalyn said, "What?"
"The laser makes us zap from place to place because of the remote," Megavolt said sheepishly.
"So you're saying," Negaduck said, grinning darkly, "That if I fire this laser, I can send Darkwing Duck and these pesky rodents to their death?"
"You could indeed fire that laser and trigger the transportation," Brain said, "However, you would be caught in the transport radius as well."
"Sounds. like. fun!" Negaduck said, aiming and firing his laser at Darkwing.
White light flared, and all hell broke - WHAT THE ?!?!
"Where are we?" Quackerjack asked.
"Everything's in 3-D!" exclaimed Bushroot.
"What's going on?" snapped Negaduck fiercely.
"We seem to have been transported out of our two-dimensional environment into the three-dimensional human world," Brain stated bluntly.
"Keen gear!" said Gosalyn. "Hey! How come that girl is typing everything I'm saying?"
"OK, computer girl, who are you and who are you working for?" Negaduck once again brought the laser up, this time aimed directly at computer girl's - drat - my head.
"Take it easy Neggy!" said Darkwing, slapping the gun away. "There's no telling what that thing will do here - Hey, stop that!"
"I must be going mad," the computer girl - drat - I muttered. "Stop what?"
"Writing everything I'm saying."
"I can't."
"What?"
"I'm writing a story."
"You're spying on us!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am - OK, that's really quite enough of that. I was just writing a story, in which Pinky and the Brain attempt to take over St. Canard. I guess I got a little carried away, but I wasn't going to write you here.Oh, this is bad, bad, bad," she - I - said to her - my - self. "My stories always seem to get carried away. That stupid tear. Neggy, fork over the laser!"
"Over my dead body Computer Girl!" Negaduck hissed.
"First of all, my name is Mara. And second of all, have you noticed the bizarre trend that when I type something you do it?"
"So?"
"Neggy, babe, you really need to improve your vocabulary." Darkwing smirked.
"Do the words 'complete creative control' mean anything to you?" said Mara with a malicious grin. "Let me see. suddenly Negaduck found himself unable to breathe sounds nice, doesn't it?"
"Ok, ok, ok. Here." Negaduck threw the gun at her with a glare. "Anything else, your highness?"
"Brain, give me the remote."
"Certainly not."
"Brain. 'Complete creative control.' Give me the remote."
"Never. This remote is the key to my plan for global domination."
"Fine." Mara turned to the computer, and began typing. "Suddenly Brain was seized with a very generous spirit. Putting on his brightest, happiest smile, he said.
"Mara, here is the remote. Forgive me for troubling you."
And he placed the remote at her feet. He was also seized with a very loving spirit, and, planting a big wet kiss on Pinky's cheek, said.
"Pinky, you are the most loyal and admirable sidekick a fella could ask for. I am sorry that I have failed to show you my appreciation until now.""
Brain shook himself out of the computer driven trance to discover Darkwing, Gosalyn, and the Fearsome Five rolling on the floor laughing. "How dare you - !"
"Gee, Brain, do you mean it? Do you really, really, mean it?" Pinky asked, hugging Brain. "Now, Pinky, give me the microchip."
"Oh, sure Mara."
Mara studied the objects before her. "Let's see. Megavolt, summarize the technical plot so far, would you?"
Picking himself up from his laughing fit along with the rest of the Fearsome Five, Megavolt put on his best villain face, and growled, "Why should I help you?"
"Do you realize," Mare said innocently, how adorable you would look in a pink tutu?"
"Fine." Megavolt cleared his throat. "The mouse used a laser to create a tear in the Space-Toon Continuum in order to cross the boundary between ACME Acres and Disney Land. A laser burst in proximity to the remote and its control chip cause the tear to enlarge and fluctuate, creating matter transportation for anyone in the near radius."
"Thank you." Mara said, and got up from her seat. She took a mirror down off the wall, and smashed it against her desk.
"I'm sensing a little tension," quipped Darkwing.
Mara used several textbooks to prop up the larger pieces, and she set the remote and chip in the center. She then crossed her room to angle the floor length mirror to face the others. "Ok, who wants to be first?"
The room was silent.
"Oh, come on, guys. All I got to do is type that you will end up in St. Canard - or ACME Acres - and fire the laser into the mirror. It will reflect on the remote and the transport radius will be contained to right. there." She created a masking tape box on the floor. "So who's first?"
The room was still silent.
"OK. I had hoped you would cooperate, but." Once again she turned to the keyboard and began typing. "Quackerjack stepped forward, dragging the Liquidator and Megavolt behind him. "Come on, how bad could it be?" he crooned. Mara fired the laser into the contraption, and the trio disappeared in a flash of green light."
"What happened to the white light?" Gosalyn chirped.
"The White Light is so. overdone. Now." Typing again, "Negaduck stepped into the square. "Might as well get away from you now," he said sourly. The laser fired, and a green light flashed, and Negaduck was gone, reappearing in the St. Canard penitentiary."
Darkwing snickered.
"Bushroot stepped forward. And the laser, and the light, and Bushroot returned to his greenhouse. Darkwing now pulled Gosalyn forward, and they stepped into the square. "It's been fun, but I have work to do in St. Canard. And Gosalyn has school tomorrow." "Aw, Dad!" Laser, light, bridge tower."
"And now, for the Warners. Brain grabbed Pinky's arm and hauled him forward. "Come, Pinky," he said, "We must return home to prepare for tomorrow night." "Gee, Brain, what are we gon' ta do tomorrow night?" "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world." Pinky and the Brain returned to ACME Labs in a bright flash of light, and Mara smashed the remote.
She just hoped her mother wouldn't ask about the mirror."
"Gee, Brain, what are we gon' ta do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world."
Brain rubbed his hands together, his beady little eyes studying the map that lay before them.
"What's it a map of?"
I was just getting to that, Pinky.
Now, as I was saying..
.His beady little eyes studying the map that lay before them.The map of.St. Canard.
"I don't understand, Brain," Pinky began, "Why are we gon' ta try and take over St. Canard? What do we want with some Disney cartoon setting? And, anyway, Brain, St. Canard is protected by Darkwing Duck.You know." Pinky towered in over Brain, face hidden by shadows, "I am the terror that flaps in the night.None of the villains ever get to take over St. Canard.Besides, Brain, it's just a cartoon..NARF!"
Brain glared at his less than intelligent sidekick. "First of all, Pinky, so are we. And second, the only reason that idiot Darkwing Duck is able to keep St. Canard safe is because he is only facing Disney villains. However, Pinky, we are trademarks of Warner Brothers Inc. Disney Inc. trembles in fear at the mere mention of the name Warner Brothers Inc. And Disney Inc. heroes, therefore, also tremble in fear at the mention of Warner Brothers Inc villains. Like me Pinky!"
"And me too Brain?"
"No, Pinky, they only tremble for fear that they might get sucked into the vacuum that rests inside your head."
* * * Later that day in St. Canard. * * *
"I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the erasable ink pen that will not erase. I am Dark Wiiiiiiiiiing Duck!"
The cloud of smoke in the deserted hallway at Digitech labs cleared, revealing our masked hero standing proud, standing ready, and standing.
Completely alone. Feeling really, really stupid -
"Hey! You coulda just left it at alone!"
Sorry Darkwing.
Now, as I was saying.
.Standing completely alone.
"Now I was sure that Sparky was around here somewhere. Aha!" DW discovered the partially removed vent cover. "He must have thought he could escape me by slithering out through the building ventilation system like the slippery snake he is. But Darkwing Duck doesn't give up that easily! I'll just have to crawl through after him."
"Get real, Dad," a voice said from behind him, causing DW to jump about six feet in the air. When he landed, the vent cover was knocked loose and fell on his foot. "You'll never fit through there."
"Gosalyn!" DW said exasperatedly, hopping on one foot in cartoonesque frustration, "I thought I told you to wait in the Ratcatcher!"
"You did," was the innocent reply, "But I thought you could use some help. Besides, dad, Elvis left the building a half hour ago."
"You mean Megavolt escaped?" DW gaped.
"No, Darkwing, Elvis. I saw Elvis leave the building. I haven't seen Megavolt."
"Don't be ridiculous, Gosalyn. Everyone knows that Elvis is living in a trailer park on the other side of the Canadian border." DW knelt, peering into the vent. "Now, let's find out where this vent leads."
* * * Meanwhile. * * *
On a half-lit street somewhere in St. Canard, the King is out for a midnight stroll.
"Egad, Brain, don't you think Elvis is a little bit too, oh, gee, Brain, I don't know, conspirious for a disguise?"
"Conspicuous, Pinky, and no, no more so than two genetically altered lab mice carrying a giant remote control would appear. Besides, Pinky. It's three o'clock in the morning. All the goody-goody citizens of St. Canard are fast asleep in their beds."
"But what about that little girl who saw us Brain? What is she runs home and tells her mommy and daddy that she saw Elvis?"
"They wouldn't believe her, Pinky. Everyone knows that Elvis is living in a trailer park on the other side of the Canadian border."
* * * Back at Digitech. * * *
"OK, Gosalyn, on the count of three. one, two, three, PUSH!"
After a few moments more struggle, Darkwing is released from clutches of the vicious vent, landing face down on the floor of the lab.
"I told you you'd never fit." Said Gosalyn, crawling out from behind.
"For your information, young lady, the vent shrank." DW looked around. "Hello. And what have we here?"
"DW and Gosalyn approached the empty wooden shipping crate. "Since when does ACME deliver to the St. Canard zipcode? Gosalyn, this could only be the work of one malevolent mega-multi-million dollar conglomerate. Warner Brothers."
"But what would Warner Brothers want in St. Canard?"
"Elementary, my dear Gosalyn. Digitech has just finished rebuilding Megavolt's remote control. The SHUSH lab techs who work at Digitech improved on his original design, and it can now control the operation of any electronic device."
"Keen gear! I'd never have to vacuum again!"
"I thought that Megavolt would be trying to steal it back. However it looks like we have far more serious problems. Fortunately, the thieves haven't gotten the microchip that makes the whole thing tick."
"Where's that, dad?"
"Safe in the vaults of SHUSH headquarters, Gosalyn. Locked up so tight that not even a mouse could get in. Well, unless it was some super intelligent, genetically altered lab mouse. But what are the odds of that?" Darkwing headed towards the exit. "At any rate we need to warn J. Gander Hooter, and see if he can get a message to the head of Disney."
* * * In an abandoned greenhouse somewhere in St. Canard. * * *
"This is it, Pinky. Our new secret headquarters."
"A greenhouse, Brain? Ooh! Can I start an herb garden? Martha Stewart says that having your own herb garden is an excellent way to supplement your everyday diet."
"There isn't time for that, Pinky. We have to carry on with stage two of my plan. We have the remote control, now we need to get the microchip to make it work. And then, Pinky, St. Canard will be MINE!!!!! Excuse me for a moment, Pinky, while I laugh maniacally to reinforce my position as a cartoon villain. AH ha Ha HA ha HA HAH AHAH HAAA!!!!!"
"That was very lovely, Brain," said Pinky, wiping a tear from his eye, "Point."
"Thank you, Pinky. Now that that's taken care of, make ready for plan two."
"Ooh! Is this the part where we dress up like clowns and perform on the street for the amusement of children everywhere?"
"Don't be an idiot, Pinky. My plan for world domination is far more superior than that."
* * * Outside the office of J. Gander Hooter. * * *
"Come on, Griz, we need to see J. Gander now." DW said impatiently, "It may very well be a matter of life or death!"
Agent Gryzzlikoff glared at Darkwing over a stack of paperwork. "I am afraid that is impossible," he growled, in his thick Russian accent.
"You don't understand -" began Gosalyn, but Gryzzlikoff cut her off.
"I understand quite well, young lady. I understand that any time this costumed clown shows up, total chaos is not far behind. He is a continual source of embarrassment and paperwork not only to me, but to SHUSH itself."
"Look, Griz," DW said softly through clenched teeth, "I have reason to believe that Warner Brothers is responsible for the theft of the remote."
"Really, Darkwing, don't you think that if there was any such evidence, an agent of SHUSH, such as myself, would already be on the case? I personally checked Digitech labs, Darkwing, and all the evidence points to Megavolt. You have nothing but fantasies."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, I suppose you could be right, Griz. Come on Gosalyn, I guess we'll just use this old ACME crate here for a new coffee table." DW grabbed Gosalyn's arm and turned towards the door.
"WAIT!"
"Yeeeesssss, Agent Gryzzlikoff?" asked Darkwing sweetly.
"Perhaps I was a little hasty in my investigation. Give the crate to me, and I will be sure to inform J. Gander of your findings."
"Uh-uh, Griz." DW shook his head. "I think its time for my appointment with J. Gander."
*****
"As I was telling Borsht-boy here, J. Gan, I believe that the Warner Brothers are behind the theft of the remote."
J. Gander Hooter studied the crate that Gosalyn was sitting on. "Well, as it happens, I received a call from the head of Disney this morning. He received a call from the head of Warner last night. Apparently, two Warner Brother cartoon characters have escaped the boundaries of the Warner cartoon empire. A number of cartoon props from ACME labs has also disappeared, including a Elvis look-alike robot."
"Told you so." Gosalyn muttered, receiving a glare from Darkwing.
"The head of Disney was at first suspicious that this might be an attempt of sabotage by the Warner Brothers, but once the identity of the missing toons was revealed, he became convinced that the toons had no motives but their own sick and twisted minds."
"So who are they?" Gosalyn asked.
"Two genetically altered lab mice, by the names of Pinky and the Brain."
"Hey, Darkwing, what was it you were saying about the security of the vaults here at SHUSH?"
* * *
A grotesque clown-like figure staggered towards the desk in the lobby of SHUSH. "Excuse me, can you direct me to office of J. Gander Hooter?"
The nervous secretary looked up. "I'm sorry, sir, but this building is a restricted area -"
"Don't worry, miss, I'm here with a singing telegram for Mister Hooter. Sent by one Agent Gryzzlikoff."
"Oh." The secretary blinked. "Well, if Agent Gryzzlikoff is behind it, you must be OK. Just take that elevator to the third floor, then go left."
"Thank you." The clown staggered towards the elevator.
* * * Meanwhile, in the maximum security vault. * * *
"What is this place?" inquired a mechanical voice.
"Unknown. Structure scans as late twentieth or early twenty-first century earth type."
"Earth?!" the robot-creature made a mechanical shrill of disgust. "Earthlings. Earthlings must be exterminated."
"Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!" they chorused, preparing a laser to cut their way through the vault door.
***
"The vault is right this way, Pinky." Brain said, the clown grotesque stepping out of the elevator. It walked down the hall towards the vault, unaware that Darkwing Duck was running full speed down the stairs to get to the same place.
"Now, Gosalyn, you stay back," Darkwing panted. "These rodents are dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt."
"Aw, I always miss the fun." Gosalyn said, not the least bit tired. "What can a coupla mice do anyway?"
"You should have left the girl upstairs where she could not cause trouble." Gryzzlikoff growled.
They emerged from the stairwell, and saw a clown loping in the direction of the vault. "You stay here, Gosalyn." DW whispered. "Griz, let's get dangerous!"
"Just a few more steps, Pinky, and St. Canard will be mine - Left, Pinky, left!" Brain groaned as they crashed into the protruding wall.
"Sorry, Brain -" Pinky began, stopping when a cloud of smoke appeared in front of them.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night." a dark but distinct voice began, "I am the technician in the labs of justice. I am Darkwing Duck!" The smoke cleared, and Darkwing glared menacingly on the clown before him. "Your crime spree is over, rodent."
Brain pushed the disguise out of his way so that he could glare at Darkwing in return. "I suppose that you think you can stop me."
"You cannot escape," Gryzzlikoff said approaching, "You have no where to hide. Therefore -" He was nailed in the face with a boxing glove, and knocked to the other side of the corridor.
Brain discarded the cartoon prop he had stolen from Wakko. "Unless you are prepared to suffer a humiliating defeat at my hands, duck, I suggest you go back to the costume party you came from."
"Uh, Darkwing," Gosalyn whispered, "I think you might want to move."
"I told you to stay put, Gosalyn." Darkwing said, without turning. "Go back to the stairwell."
"But, Darkwing -!"
"Now!?" he responded in exasperation.
They were all enveloped in a bream of bright light.
* * * In Quackerjack's headquarters in an old toy factory. * * *
"What do you think of my new toy, Bushroot?" Quackerjack asked.
"That depends on what it does." The mutant plant duck responded without enthusiasm.
"Gee, Mr. Banana Brain, I think bushy is cranky. He needs a nap."
"Just tell me what it does!" snapped Bushroot. He was starting to get a headache from Quackerjack's consistent pranks, and so he was getting very crabby.
"Why," he wound up the small toy soldier, and sat it on the floor. It began to walk toward a row of Darkwing duck dolls. "It blows things up!"
Just as the little soldier raised it little gun and shot a little laser beam, the room was lit up with a bright flash of light.
Bushroot and Quackerjack were immediately surrounded by a curious ensemble - Darkwing and Gosalyn, a clown costume with two white rats sticking out, and two robots. The robots were chanting "exterminate" as they repositioned their laser cannons to aim at the rest of the ensemble. Quackerjack's toy soldier called for reinforcements, and a swarm of the tin men leaped down off of a workbench in and attempt to come to the aid of their creator.
"Exterminate!" chanted the Darlechs.
"Where the - Quackerjack? Bushroot?" Darkwing was puzzled as to the sudden appearance of the two villains.
"Quickly, Pinky!" Brain said, pulling his sidekick with him as he leapt to the ground. "Run!"
But it was too late. Both the Darlechs and the tin soldiers fired their lasers, and the group was once again enveloped in a flash of illumination.
* * * In Megavolt's lighthouse hideout. * * *
Megavolt threw the envelope from the Power Company across the room. "Those people have some nerve." He commented to a convenient lamp. "Superfluous consumption of electricity? I'll show them 'superfluous consumption of electricity!"
He aimed his giant laser at the top of the power company head offices. "Let's see how they like having their electricity turned off!" He turned on the laser beam, and was surprised to find the room bombarded with light. "What the -?"
Megavolt froze and the laser began to power down, but as soon as he recognized that one of the intruders was Darkwing Duck, he swung the laser to bear down on the group. "All right. Nobody move." He growled, processing the group before him. Darkwing and the little brat that follows him around, two small white mice, several tin soldiers, the pieces of what looked like two robots, and his allies from the fearsome five, Bushroot and Quackerjack. "You two," he snapped, pointing at the villains, get over here." "Hey, I thought you said nobody move!" the girl said sweetly.
"Shut up!" Megavolt responded, aiming the laser directly at her. Darkwing stepped in front of her as protection. Megavolt watched him carefully, in case he was planning to try something.
Megavolt wasn't the only one who was sizing up the crowd. This was really the first time that the group had had a chance to figure out who was there. "I know you!" Bushroot said, pointing at the two mice. "You're the two rodents who infested my greenhouse!"
"I told you somebody lived there, Brain." Pinky murmured.
"They must have felt right at home," commented Darkwing, who had slowly been edging towards the door. "What with the vermin that you usually keep for company."
"I don't allow rats in my - HEY!" he said, getting Darkwing's implications. "It's not like I have any choice." He muttered, too low for anyone to hear. He was getting sick of the Fearsome Five and wanted out, but he couldn't risk what they would do to him if he tried to back out. Especially what Negaduck would do. Oh, well, he thought, I guess it isn't that bad. I still have my plants.
"You be quiet, duck!" Megavolt hissed, repositioning his laser.
"Say, Meggie, that's a nice new toy you've got there." Quackerjack gazed at the gun admiringly.
"Thanks." Megavolt couldn't resist the desire to brag. "I built it myself. It gave me something to do since Darkwing took my remote away from me. Looks like I get to get even." He powered up the laser. "Wait a minute!" he said, his eyes catching something in the mess on the floor. "Is that my remote?"
Darkwing made a lunge for the remote, and in an almost graceful roll, made it to safety before Megavolt fired the laser. Unfortunately, as soon as the laser went off, they were once again transported in a bright burst of light.
They reappeared in Negaduck's high rise apartment, interrupting Negaduck and Liquidator in the middle of some serious plotting. Negaduck whirled to face the crowd. "What the h***?" He slowly processed the intruders. Megavolt? Bushroot? Quackerjack?. DARKWING DUCK!" He growled, drawing a laser gun from his side, and bringing it to bear on DW.
"Wait!" Brain commanded, "Don't fire it!"
"Who the h*** are you?" Negaduck growled, glaring at the white rat that had spoken.
"I am The Brain," He said, "And if you fire that weapon you will regret it."
"I doubt that very much." Negaduck snarled, trigger finger itching.
Megavolt pulled Bushroot and Quackerjack away from the target area of the gun. Gosalyn slid in closer to Darkwing, and Pinky crept up to cower behind Brain. "You will," Brain said. "There's no telling where we'll end up next if you fire that thing."
Negaduck glanced at Megavolt. "What's he talking about?"
"Beats me." Megavolt shrugged.
"I do." Darkwing said quietly.
"Do I care?" Negaduck responded with mock sweetness.
"Fire the laser - go on. I dare you. See where we end up. You won't kill me and you'll loose your advantage." Darkwing shrugged.
Brain turned to face him, interested at the ploy. Darkwing had to know very well that he would be killed at that range, just as the toy soldiers had destroyed the two robots.
"All right, I will." Negaduck said. "I'll fry you, the girl, and the mice."
"Ok, suit yourself. But when we appear in the air over Audubon Bay, and you drown because you can't swim - "
"What is he talking about?" Negaduck looked to Megavolt once more for explanation, and when Megavolt shrugged, he said, "Never mind."
"Wait." Bushroot interrupted, earning a leer from Negaduck and the rest of the five, and a surprised look from Darkwing, which narrowed into a suspicious glare. "Let him explain. Something strange is going on here, ever since those two mice showed up in my greenhouse."
"Fine," Negaduck barked. "Start with the mice. Explain yourselves."
"My name is Pinky." Pinky said with a curtsey.
Brain rolled his eyes. "We are Pinky and the Brain, two super intelligent genetically altered laboratory mice with the intent of global domination. Two Warner Brothers villains."
"Warner?!? !@#$ !!!" Negaduck said, bringing the laser to bear on them. "What the h*** are you doing here?"
"Trying to take over the world. I won't waste my time explaining my plan like the rest of you monotonous villains seem to prefer, giving the hero the time he needs to plot his escape and our capture. However, I came here to steal Megavolt's remote control, and the chip that activates it."
"So?"
"I used a laser to create a tear in the Space-Toon Continuum in order to be able to leave ACME Acres and cross over into Disneyland."
"So?"
"So?" Darkwing mocked. "You're normally so much more astute than that Neggy. Every time a laser is fired, it enlarges the tear in the Space-Toon Continuum."
"Oh, I get it," Megavolt said. "The proto-electric field around my remote is interacting with the elastostatic tear in the Space-Toon Continuum, and instant matter transportation results when the radioactivity of the light triggers the plasma field influx of the electromaton tear."
They all stared at Megavolt in stunned silence, until Gosalyn said, "What?"
"The laser makes us zap from place to place because of the remote," Megavolt said sheepishly.
"So you're saying," Negaduck said, grinning darkly, "That if I fire this laser, I can send Darkwing Duck and these pesky rodents to their death?"
"You could indeed fire that laser and trigger the transportation," Brain said, "However, you would be caught in the transport radius as well."
"Sounds. like. fun!" Negaduck said, aiming and firing his laser at Darkwing.
White light flared, and all hell broke - WHAT THE ?!?!
"Where are we?" Quackerjack asked.
"Everything's in 3-D!" exclaimed Bushroot.
"What's going on?" snapped Negaduck fiercely.
"We seem to have been transported out of our two-dimensional environment into the three-dimensional human world," Brain stated bluntly.
"Keen gear!" said Gosalyn. "Hey! How come that girl is typing everything I'm saying?"
"OK, computer girl, who are you and who are you working for?" Negaduck once again brought the laser up, this time aimed directly at computer girl's - drat - my head.
"Take it easy Neggy!" said Darkwing, slapping the gun away. "There's no telling what that thing will do here - Hey, stop that!"
"I must be going mad," the computer girl - drat - I muttered. "Stop what?"
"Writing everything I'm saying."
"I can't."
"What?"
"I'm writing a story."
"You're spying on us!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am - OK, that's really quite enough of that. I was just writing a story, in which Pinky and the Brain attempt to take over St. Canard. I guess I got a little carried away, but I wasn't going to write you here.Oh, this is bad, bad, bad," she - I - said to her - my - self. "My stories always seem to get carried away. That stupid tear. Neggy, fork over the laser!"
"Over my dead body Computer Girl!" Negaduck hissed.
"First of all, my name is Mara. And second of all, have you noticed the bizarre trend that when I type something you do it?"
"So?"
"Neggy, babe, you really need to improve your vocabulary." Darkwing smirked.
"Do the words 'complete creative control' mean anything to you?" said Mara with a malicious grin. "Let me see. suddenly Negaduck found himself unable to breathe sounds nice, doesn't it?"
"Ok, ok, ok. Here." Negaduck threw the gun at her with a glare. "Anything else, your highness?"
"Brain, give me the remote."
"Certainly not."
"Brain. 'Complete creative control.' Give me the remote."
"Never. This remote is the key to my plan for global domination."
"Fine." Mara turned to the computer, and began typing. "Suddenly Brain was seized with a very generous spirit. Putting on his brightest, happiest smile, he said.
"Mara, here is the remote. Forgive me for troubling you."
And he placed the remote at her feet. He was also seized with a very loving spirit, and, planting a big wet kiss on Pinky's cheek, said.
"Pinky, you are the most loyal and admirable sidekick a fella could ask for. I am sorry that I have failed to show you my appreciation until now.""
Brain shook himself out of the computer driven trance to discover Darkwing, Gosalyn, and the Fearsome Five rolling on the floor laughing. "How dare you - !"
"Gee, Brain, do you mean it? Do you really, really, mean it?" Pinky asked, hugging Brain. "Now, Pinky, give me the microchip."
"Oh, sure Mara."
Mara studied the objects before her. "Let's see. Megavolt, summarize the technical plot so far, would you?"
Picking himself up from his laughing fit along with the rest of the Fearsome Five, Megavolt put on his best villain face, and growled, "Why should I help you?"
"Do you realize," Mare said innocently, how adorable you would look in a pink tutu?"
"Fine." Megavolt cleared his throat. "The mouse used a laser to create a tear in the Space-Toon Continuum in order to cross the boundary between ACME Acres and Disney Land. A laser burst in proximity to the remote and its control chip cause the tear to enlarge and fluctuate, creating matter transportation for anyone in the near radius."
"Thank you." Mara said, and got up from her seat. She took a mirror down off the wall, and smashed it against her desk.
"I'm sensing a little tension," quipped Darkwing.
Mara used several textbooks to prop up the larger pieces, and she set the remote and chip in the center. She then crossed her room to angle the floor length mirror to face the others. "Ok, who wants to be first?"
The room was silent.
"Oh, come on, guys. All I got to do is type that you will end up in St. Canard - or ACME Acres - and fire the laser into the mirror. It will reflect on the remote and the transport radius will be contained to right. there." She created a masking tape box on the floor. "So who's first?"
The room was still silent.
"OK. I had hoped you would cooperate, but." Once again she turned to the keyboard and began typing. "Quackerjack stepped forward, dragging the Liquidator and Megavolt behind him. "Come on, how bad could it be?" he crooned. Mara fired the laser into the contraption, and the trio disappeared in a flash of green light."
"What happened to the white light?" Gosalyn chirped.
"The White Light is so. overdone. Now." Typing again, "Negaduck stepped into the square. "Might as well get away from you now," he said sourly. The laser fired, and a green light flashed, and Negaduck was gone, reappearing in the St. Canard penitentiary."
Darkwing snickered.
"Bushroot stepped forward. And the laser, and the light, and Bushroot returned to his greenhouse. Darkwing now pulled Gosalyn forward, and they stepped into the square. "It's been fun, but I have work to do in St. Canard. And Gosalyn has school tomorrow." "Aw, Dad!" Laser, light, bridge tower."
"And now, for the Warners. Brain grabbed Pinky's arm and hauled him forward. "Come, Pinky," he said, "We must return home to prepare for tomorrow night." "Gee, Brain, what are we gon' ta do tomorrow night?" "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world." Pinky and the Brain returned to ACME Labs in a bright flash of light, and Mara smashed the remote.
She just hoped her mother wouldn't ask about the mirror."