Take Me To Church

by Unseelie Sidhe

Emptiness had become the new normal and she expected nothing to change. Until her growing anger at her past love would blossom into something she never could have predicted, triggered by circumstances she'd never expected to find herself in...and it would grow to burn everything she had ever known of herself into the most beautiful of ashes.

Still not Stephanie Mayer…I just hijacked some of the players for my own amusement.

a.n. – So, normally author's notes are a thing for the end of the chapter, but given the content and quite a few necessary trigger warnings, I felt compelled to start off here. This story, at some points, is going to travel down a much darker path than I generally like to go. In warning…Bella is severely depressed (it's not just teenage angsting bullshit) and delusional at first, and then self-destructive in a way that depressed me so badly just setting the stage for this whole lovely mess to come that I almost had Wiley Coyote appear out of nowhere and blast her to smithereens with his handy-dandy ACME rocket…I'd even planned to let him succeed (yes I am guilty of actually writing said scene…don't tell on me!) …I then contemplated hanging myself because I can't even stand the fact that I wrote all the crap in this first chapter. Bella should equal awesome not pathetic.

So…tags…(looks at the list and cries)

Depression, hallucinations, obsessive behaviors, self-destructive behaviors, sex…dear God so much of it, anonymous sex, unsafe sex, unprotected sex, rough sex, Dom/Sub games, spanking, oral sex, dubious consent (no non-consent…because icky), size kinks…of a few flavors, voyeurism, exhibitionism, discussions of eating disorders…and probably more that I can't even think of right now.

This story…? Well as much as I would love to have TDYK Bella and Paul in bed all day every day doing all the bad things, there is actually a story to tell that does not allow for constant and stupid amounts of sex…and that being said, my Muse was getting incredibly pissy about the lack of it and waved this idea in front of my face. He's an impatient fucker and I totally blame him for all of this! So here's hoping I can keep up with both…(bites fingers nervously)

b.n. - I know, you feel like you've stumbled upon a really shitty poetry reading. It's agonizing, depressing, and I was fussing at Sidhe the entire time about how weak and wimpy this Bella was, how could she even be writing this chapter, and that her computer obviously needed exorcized of its demons and then set on fire. SHE'LL STOP MOPING SHORTLY I PROMISE, TRY NOT TO KILL IMAGINARY BELLS BEFORE YOU GET TO THE GOOD STUFF. And I promise, there will be some DAMN delicious good stuff.

}:{

Eight months.

It had been eight months since Edward Cullen had left her behind.

She knew that she was still obsessing about the days, but it was simply something that she now did by routine.

Bella sat in the chair at her vanity. Her reflection gazed back at her, and she was glad to see that her inner turmoil did not reflect on her face. That she no longer looked drawn and vacant as she had for the first few months after her whole world had imploded.

She didn't really like to reminisce about all the time she had spent in frozen isolation, but forgetting it would do her no good either because she knew she was stronger now because of it.

She didn't have a clear memory of what had happened after He had disappeared from her sight. Just of looking up at the trees and rain and wishing that she could go ahead and die since her heart had vanished with the Vampire she had built her dreams of forever upon. The cold had meant nothing because if she froze to death, she wouldn't have to feel her loss any longer. She hadn't even been capable of crying…just…breathing. Watching her breath turn into vapor at first, before she had become numb from lying in the freezing mud.

She remembered finally closing her eyes when they became too heavy to hold open.

Her entire body had felt heavy, in fact. Like it was attempting to sink into the ground before she had been able to pass away…and she hadn't cared.

The next time she had opened her eyes, she had been lying in a hospital bed with Dr. Gerandy leaning over her, his voice coming to her as if from far away. She'd hardly blinked as the old man had checked her over, because a part of her had still been expecting to see Carlisle. She had still felt heavy as she lay in the bed, though aware of all the tubes and monitors that were connected to her. She had mumbled responses to every question he had asked her.

Had she intentionally tried to kill herself? No, she had been lost and could not find her way back.

Why had she been out there? Because Edward had needed to have a conversation with her.

Charlie had growled in the background, a sound that had elicited nothing more than vague confusion. Because it sounded wrong…it didn't sound like Edward's. Charlie's face had been set with anger, his jaw ticking under the tension and his lips clamped into a tight line. It didn't make sense to her, because while she knew that her father didn't really like Edward, he'd never really displayed any real anger towards him.

She hadn't liked it, because it wasn't Edward's fault that she wasn't good enough for him. He was perfect. How could you be angry at someone who had finally decided that he deserved someone closer to his level?

Because Bella clearly wasn't. She was decently smart, but not as smart as her Vampire had been. Pretty…but clumsy and not terribly strong. She was neither tiny, nor tall at five foot five. Her best features were hair so dark a brown it was almost black, shot with red in some lights and clear porcelain skin...her big brown eyes. She was average at best. And clearly forgettable.

He'd rarely touched her beyond gentle kisses and hesitant embraces. Sometimes, he'd touch her as if she had stirred his passions, and she had felt so special because he was so painfully perfect and he seemed to desire her. Would kiss her like he could get lost in her. Then he would pull back…just shut it all off and she would be left wondering why she was so lacking that he could flip the switch and walk away from her. Her love for him was consuming and painful…but not enough to hold him.

Life had passed in a hopeless blur for a while after the hospital where she had apparently nearly died from a mix of shock and hypothermia. She'd crawled into bed and scarcely functioned. Ate when her stomach hurt too much to ignore. Showered when her own stink had burned in her nose and her scalp had itched from being dirty. She didn't speak to Charlie unless it was to beg him to leave her alone, too emotionally numb to care when his face had crumpled with concern. And physically cold because there was no Vampire to keep her warm. Ironic considering his cold form, but she had never felt it while curled in his stone-like arms, only the warmth of her love.

The calendar, when she had been aware enough to look at it, had said that more than a couple of months had passed. She had felt weak because she had done little more than fetch food before huddling back under the blankets. Her muscles had felt flabby and useless. She wasn't fat, didn't have enough weight on her to be, but she was…squishy.

Her first real look into the mirror on her vanity had showed a pale wraith of a person with huge dark bags under their eyes. Her hair had been greasy and wild because she hadn't bathed in more than a week at that point, and even when she had, she never brushed it, just tossed a towel over her pillow and slept on it wet. Didn't care enough to even tie it back because she rarely moved more than turning over when she got sore from inactivity. The shirt she had been wearing had food stains on it, ignored at the time of their happening because it would have taken more effort to change than she could manage to dredge up.

Her eyes had looked utterly devoid of life…like a corpse's. Dead brown. Her face had felt stiff because she'd not really felt anything deeply enough to cause a facial expression…she'd been too empty.

Fuck, and she had wondered why Edward had left her behind? Why the absolute hell would he have stayed for this? He had told her not to be reckless, and she was slowly destroying herself. The one thing he had wanted of her, and she wasn't doing it. She had been failing him.

Desperation to make up for her mistake had sent her stumbling from her room and down the stairs to the kitchen. She had looked half-starved and so Bella had urgently set about trying to correct that, eating everything she could manage…until the near-starvation she had been subjecting herself to caused her to throw up everything she had just eaten. And not wanting Charlie to know, because he had been making noises about her seeing a therapist, she had clumsily cleaned it all up before trying again. Less food and slower, she had finally felt emotion since Edward had left. The gaping hole in her soul had yielded a vague sense of satisfaction at the accomplishment.

Looking down at herself again, she had felt her nose shrivel with distaste because her clothing had been covered in spatters of vomit and soaked through with old, stale sweat and her own unwashed-body stench. Absolutely disgusted, she had then staggered from the room and back up the stairs to the bathroom. She had had to cut about eight inches from her hair because it had dreadlocked into an unsalvageable mass, but she'd managed to get the brush through the remaining nearly shoulder-length mess before she had shed her filthy clothing and stepped into the shower to clean herself. She'd stood there and scrubbed herself until her skin turned pink and almost raw before moving on to wash her greasy, gritty face. Plucked up the razor and shaved off the hair that had grown to full-length on her legs and under her arms. The water had gone cold before she had completed her task, but she was determined to finish before she had stepped out, shivering and skin covered in goosebumps.

She had known that she had a long way to go before she made up to Edward for her lapse, but she had been determined. Her stubborn nature had found something to latch onto and she wasn't going to fail him any longer.

She had nearly climbed back into her bed, because after such a long period of inactivity she had been exhausted by her efforts. But the thought of covering herself in those filthy and stinking sheets had her remaking her bed because why would Edward ever want to hold her again in that bed if it smelled overwhelmingly of her human reek?

The next morning, Charlie had poked his head in and she'd been able to see that he had been surprised to find that she had made an effort. Not enough of one for her tastes, but one nonetheless. He'd quietly asked if she wanted to come down and have breakfast with him, clearly expecting another refusal.

It had been the first time that she had been able to see the toll her behavior had taken on her dad as well. She wasn't all that close to the man…but he was her father and she had supposed that gave him the right to be concerned when she fell apart. She was just lucky that he hadn't packed her up and off to Renée where Edward would not know to look for her if he happened to come back for her. She knew it was a long shot, because his words had been so cutting and painfully honest. But if by some chance he did, she wanted to be better for him.

Charlie had been about to go out for a morning jog, something he did because it helped to keep his mind clear. And it had stuck in Bella's head that here was another thing she could do to improve herself. She did not like the look of her body. Strange that it had never bothered her before Edward had come along. She had slim legs and a small waist, but disliked the traces of baby-fat left on her stomach, hips and thighs. Adding this to the slowly expanding list of things she needed to change for Edward, she had asked Charlie if she might actually go running with him.

Glancing at her, she'd seen the confusion in his eyes…eyes so like her own had been before her soul had been taken from her. Because she'd been little more than a lump for so long, he evidently did not know what to make of the girl who had always spurned physical exercise asking for such a thing. She had loved to dance as a child and young teen, but then the clumsiness had set in as she gained her adult height and shape and she had left it behind. She'd buried herself in her books when not taking care of her mother. Because Renée had been flighty and never really able to remember things like the bills and putting food in the refrigerator.

But Charlie's face had softened when she maintained eye contact. And she was thankful that he didn't ask her why. "Let's get you back into a more healthy shape before we try anything physically strenuous…okay kiddo?"

She hadn't liked the answer, but had seen his point. She'd supposed that she should give him points for not mentioning how shitty she looked or how underfed she had been. Nodding, she had finished her bowl of oatmeal in silence. Because as much as it had tasted like flavorless crap…pretty much everything had…she needed it to make herself better.

Days had passed at that point and while she was waiting for Charlie to okay her for running, she had begun to retrain her body's flexibility with the stretching exercises that had once been so routine for her. It had been slow going because she was stiff and so very out of shape, fragile in a way that she had never really felt until Edward had pointed it out to her. She had continued to eat for the strength to keep going. Regained the habit of personal grooming because she needed to be as good as she could manage. She knew that she would never be beautiful like Rosalie or Alice, but she would remake herself into something that would not shame her love.

Oddly, with the return of her flexibility, her clumsiness had diminished. It was something that she hadn't anticipated but had pleased her because her beloved Vampire wouldn't be forced to feel the need to save her from herself as much.

On Christmas day Charlie had quietly knocked on her door with a warm set of sweats and a new pair of good running shoes. He'd waited while she had changed and stretched because she had not forgotten that failing to do so would leave her in a great deal of pain otherwise. She was already in enough with the gaping hole in her chest and Edward had clearly said that she should not do anything needlessly damaging to herself.

The run itself had been beyond exhausting. But she had not quit.

A mile that first day, not all of it run but still completed. Then two. When she had gotten to five a month later, holding herself to a steady jog throughout, it had brought a strange new clarity. The feel of her feet pounding against the dirt or pavement had once more revved up that stubborn streak she had buried around the Vampire because it wasn't ladylike and that had been one of the few things he had asked of her in their relationship. Somehow, that word…ladylike…had begun to get stuck in her craw, though she wasn't sure why. It wasn't such a huge request after all. She had supposed that she could always bury that stubbornness once more if he came back, but for right then she would use it to fuel her drive to better herself for him.

Then had come the day that she had dreaded the most…the day she was to return to school.

She'd known that she would be stared at…talked about. No longer made special by Edward's attention to her and left to navigate the shark-infested waters of Fork's High by herself. She'd never felt like she had fit in before the Cullens had pulled her into their magical world. Without them, she was once more plain Bella Swan…a boring nobody bookworm.

And things had been every bit as bad as she had thought they would be. People either stared at her with pity in their eyes or whispered behind her back. All but Angela, who had been happy to see her and had welcomed her back without making a fuss, something that Bella was grateful for. Not so much because she had been capable of feeling warmth for another person at that time, but because Angela wasn't prodding at her weaknesses.

However, the others that had made attempts to be friendly with her pre-Edward? They either snubbed her outright or treated her like she was some kind of ant under a microscope. To be observed but not really worthy of anything else. And at that time, it had been fine with her, because nothing mattered but Edward anyway. Mike had stopped looking at her with puppy-eyes, just kind of nodded at her when forced to acknowledge her. He'd apparently gone back to mooning over Lauren. No big loss there, because after the Vampire's perfection nothing else could possibly come close. And Lauren for her own part looked to have stopped caring one way or another for the bent of his affections.

She'd still had dreams of chasing after things in the woods. She could never catch them, but she would never stop trying. They shimmered and gleamed as she ran, catching the light occasionally and glittering with the purity of diamonds. Too beautiful for human touch but they had allowed her into their lives for a time despite her human failings.

And it had never failed to crush her every time she had awoken alone without them. She'd still been too numb to cry, but the hollow place in her chest had throbbed with pain at her loneliness. Her loss.

So she had continued to force herself forward. She had started the monumental task of making up for the time she had lost while she had been lost in her head. The extra work for school had been tedious but thankfully time consuming, leaving her with less time to reflect on the consuming pain. She ran every morning that she could manage baring bad weather, her body responding to the exercise like a flower soaking up the sun and rain. The muscle began to build on her scrawny frame, eating away at the weakness caused by her depression.

And Jacob Black had finally reappeared in her life.

At first, she had resisted. But he was just so easy to get along with and so carefree…so undemanding…that she had managed to pull together some of the tattered pieces of her old affection for him. The things they had done carried no reminders of her Vampire. Walking on First Beach, a place that for some reason Edward had refused to go. He ran with her sometimes on the weekends, quietly keeping pace with her as she loped steadily along the paths, her stride comfortable and easy. The day Jacob had stumbled over a loose pebble and hit the dirt, she had surprised herself by laughing.

Out loud.

Her eyes had widened in shock at the sound of mirth escaping her lips. Because she hadn't even realized that her body had unthawed far enough to feel anything like amusement. And she had wanted it to feel like a betrayal, as if she were somehow not yearning hard enough for Edward's return if she was sparing anything for something so frivolous as humor. Wanted to cut all ties with the person who had made her feel anything but regret and misery.

But he'd looked so silly sprawled in the snow with a sheepishly cheerful smile on his face that she instead found herself wanting to hold onto the sudden warmth she felt. The smile on her lips that felt stiff and awkward but…real. And instead of leaving the boy there, she had reached out and pulled him back to his feet. She'd once more surprised herself that she was strong enough to do so without stumbling, because Jacob must have had a recent growth spurt. He was now a few inches taller than she was even if he was still relatively slim.

Hiking through the woods had also become a thing they did where she had been pleased to discover that she was steady on her feet even over rocks and hidden roots. Almost proud in fact, another thing she was unused to.

But the day they had accidentally stumbled across The Meadow where she used to lay in the grass with Edward and talk…had taken her by surprise. She hadn't been prepared for what she had felt at the sight of it. That place so full of happy, joyful memories and feelings of love and that surreal sense that destiny was looking down on her favorably. It had looked exactly the same despite the winter-trees. And she had felt…rage.

She'd felt that empty place inside her chest suddenly catch fire as if someone had opened her up, doused it in kerosene, and tossed in a lit match.

Edward had left her. He wasn't coming back. She could remake herself as much as she wanted and he would never see it. He had left, taken everything that held value to her reminding her of what she had had. Stolen her memories…her sense of worth…and her heart. He hadn't cared enough to see her home after destroying her…hadn't even looked back despite her cries.

Her knees had suddenly buckled and she'd hit the ground, scarcely aware of Jake's frightened voice calling her name as he hurried towards her. She'd once more felt completely and entirely numb, her eyes dry and aching. She'd felt a scream of pain and loss building in her throat, but she'd bitten it back, nearly chewing through her lower lip in the process. Then she was blinking as Jake's face suddenly appeared in front of her own. She'd been confused for a moment, because even though she had finally understood that the Vampire was never coming back, she was so used to seeing his face in this place that it had thrown her when it was the face of a boy with smooth though much darker skin and long black hair.

His mouth had been opening and closing around words…but she'd not heard anything over the buzzing in her head, a sound that only emphasized the voice wailing inside her mind. That the Vampire was gone. He had left her. He had broken his promise to her. She was ruined without him. Could never be whole without him. She was empty. She was nothing. She had deserved-

No.

Something inside of her started screaming back at that despairing voice, denial and anger and determination backing it and straightening her spine. And Bella found herself intentionally feeding that second voice. Because the wailing was hopelessness. Helplessness. Weakness.

Before Edward, she'd never felt weak before. She may not have been some steel-willed feminist, but she'd had a much healthier sense of her own self-worth. She'd never been stupid and she'd never allowed anyone to step on her. She may have been shy and more likely to hide her face in a book than go to a party, but she had never been this emotionally fragile…pathetic girl.

"-ella! Please talk to me!"

Jacob's voice finally broke through the din in her head and that had been when she realized that she was sitting in the snow, hyperventilating and dizzy, with her heart hammering away in her chest. The boy's hands had been on her shoulders, shaking her to try and get her to snap out of whatever it was that had freaked her out so badly.

He had stopped shaking her once she was able to focus on him clearly. Though she'd not managed more than a shake or nod of her head in response when asked if she was alright, because somehow her words had become locked in her throat, she had finally managed to convince Jacob that she was capable of making it home. He had chattered nervously for the first mile or so, but after getting no verbal response he had fallen silent, glancing at her from time to time as if to make sure she was still mentally with him.

She supposed, looking back, that she shouldn't have been surprised that Jake had told Charlie everything when they had returned to the house. Because while her friend had become used to her strangeness in the month they had been hanging out, this had been a new one for him and clearly he'd been afraid for her. Though having her father hovering worriedly over her for the rest of the weekend had been one more thing that she could have done without. She had so much to think about and sort out inside her head that she had scarcely known where to begin.

But instead of holding a grudge for his interference, Bella had called Jake on Monday afternoon to see if he wanted to come over and she would cook dinner.

Cooking had been another thing that she had finally gotten back into recently for the peace of mind it had brought her before the Cullen's had indicated their disgust over human food. It hadn't been so much for the seemingly feminine pastime, but for the way the measuring and mixing of things into something that appealed to the taste buds was just satisfying.

He had accepted and they had sat down at dinner together, since Charlie was away on a night shift.

And while it had been stilted, Bella had finally began talking about what had happened to her since she had last seen him on prom night. About the devastating accident that had occurred during her birthday party (heavily edited for supernatural content, of course), the months of her inability to function…and her attempts to make herself better. She'd retained enough sense to not tell him why, because even she was aware, now, of how screwed up her reasoning for it had been.

Jacob's normally cheerful face had pinched in an expression of pain that she hadn't really understood, because while she'd been aware of how messed up she had been, she hadn't been anywhere near well that night. Her chest had still felt achingly empty, because for as much as she had been angry with herself for her pathetic attempts to wish Edward back into her arms, she still loved him.

Jacob had then declared that he would never leave her behind. He had hugged her tightly, something she dimly registered as comforting. It wasn't a feeling she was used to and she had selfishly hugged him back, amazed when she realized that he was now close to six feet tall.

It was another couple of weeks before it occurred to her that that night had been a turning point. Because it slowly became evident to Bella that Jake's promise to always stay with her came hand-in-hand with…feelings that she was not capable of returning. The warmth of his embraces came fully charged by his growing romantic attachment to her. She was a horribly selfish monster for allowing it to continue, but she'd found herself unable to give him up even for his own good, even though there wasn't enough of her left to give him what he deserved.

But Jacob wasn't the only one to notice the changes in the broken girl.

Because Lauren Mallory had been watching her intently for weeks.

It had started with the glances Bella had been used to from the other students. Paying only enough attention to her so as not knock into her if they happened to be in the same vicinity. Pretending that she did not exist otherwise, and Bella could not blame any of them because she had snubbed all of them. Lauren, Jessica, Angela and even Mike had called her house after the Cullen's had left to see how she was doing and she had not responded. Granted, she had been unable to respond to anything, but they could not have known how bad her depression had been and had been hurt by her lack of communication. It hadn't helped things at all that Edward's mind-reading of them had led to her ridicule of them. Unfairly, because a person's mind should be sacrosanct, their personal thoughts not spoken aloud and made mockery of.

One does not need to speak the words for another to understand that you are mocking them.

But Lauren had stood out from the rest because she had always been the ringleader. And she wasn't as mentally blunt as Edward had made her out to be. Her green eyes watched Bella with growing curiosity, though she was actively aloof on the good days and casually spiteful on the others…like a cat that was unsure of what it felt for the girl that had spurned it. Eventually she began sharpening her claws on the other girl, though to Bella it felt more like a test of some sort.

So Bella tried to keep her head down like she used to…trying not to attract attention. She had so much work left to do in catching up with school and had still been attempting to better herself physically while trying to carve out some time for Jacob that she scarcely had anything left to wonder why Lauren had once more taken an interest in her, albeit a slightly cruel one.

She toughed it out, despite not being used to being picked upon. It was a new thing for her, and while a part of her supposed that it might actually be character building, it was also vaguely irritating. She had mocked the girl behind her back, Lauren was just upfront enough to do it to her face. And fair was fair.

It was a couple of weeks later that things finally came to a head with the blonde. After her confession to Jake and her growing frustration with his blindness. Because as much as he wanted her to want him back…and it was clear that he did…some parts of her were simply not able to respond to him in any way he might want or deserve. Her heart did not pound with his nearness. Her thoughts did not circle about him. But the hardest yet?

Since the day Edward had left her in the woods, every scrap of desire in her body had frozen. There was no attraction…not even to his memory.

It was true that she'd never been all that sexually inclined before she'd fallen in love, masturbation was an occasional curiosity but not terribly important. With Edward, she had felt physically drawn to him, but never in a way that she could not dismiss, especially once he made it clear that sex was not a thing he felt he had enough self-control to share with her. Eventually she had felt that he might in fact be acting upon the values he had grown up with where physical desire was not something a ladylike female displayed. And she had only wanted to be perfect for him, so she only rarely gave in while in the shower where the scent of her could not linger. Then finally not at all, because she had felt like she was being sneaky, something that gave her a sick feeling.

So she had stopped, no matter the occasions her body had ached in need for release when he was near.

Now, there was nothing. And no matter how beautiful she might find Jacob to be, because he truly was and grew to be more so every day…she didn't feel desire for him. Not for anyone.

And these things in her…these failings…she felt they must be obvious to the blonde and her sharp eyes. But while her emotional numbness and her single-minded determination in regards to her studying had become fair game to Lauren, she seemed to somehow miss Bella's dead libido. That no male who stepped past her line of sight drew even a moment's consideration.

She pushed…prodded…poked and needled. Until one Friday, after Bella had woken up painfully early due a repetition of that same nightmare…she was tired, on edge, and most of all angry. Lauren had made some remark as she walked by about her looking like she had rolled out of the wrong side of her empty bed, because clearly no guy was going to touch her while she couldn't even be bothered to take care of herself. She had snapped. Right there in the cafeteria, she had squared up to the taller girl without caring who could see or hear them.

"What the fuck is your problem, Lauren?" Her blood had been boiling, her eyes narrowed as her hands squeezed into fists as if she would actually use them on the blonde's face. The lack of surprise on the other girl's face would not register until later, but right then, all Bella wanted was to flay her to the bone. "You've been taking potshots at me ever since I got back. Maybe you're just a bitch by nature, but I am so completely done taking your shit. If you've got crap to say about me, you come say it to my face. Yeah, I may not look like I belong in a centerfold, but then again I'm not nearly as obsessed with my fucking face as you are. I don't need to have people fawning over me to make my life complete! I have way too much work to do in catching up to give any kinds of fucks about what some stupid guy thinks about me, let alone worry if they may decide they want to fuck me. It's called self-respect. You might look into getting some. So…show's over. Move along, princess, because I'm not going to sit here any longer and let you treat me like I don't matter just because I'm not as perfect as you think you are! Let me know when to bend over so you can kiss my ass!"

Bella had been gearing up for an epic screaming match. She had never been in a fight in her life, but was not about to back down. She had been more than prepared to dig into her seriously underused repertoire of insults, when the strangest thing had happened.

Because Lauren did not scream. She didn't retaliate. Did not reach out and attempt to claw Bella's face off. Instead, her own eyes had narrowed thoughtfully as a slow, satisfied smile had curved her lips. "There you are."

Bella had blinked…confused.

Lauren had stepped even closer, unruffled and even more unsettlingly confident than ever. Her voice had been low and oddly pleasant as she glanced down into the shorter girl's eyes. "You don't fool me, Bella Swan. Pretending to be meek and mild never suited you. You aren't a sheep, no matter how much you might like to pretend you are. You aren't weak or fragile. You aren't forgettable and you certainly aren't anything close to plain."

Bella had been thrown for a mental loop, because Lauren hadn't looked like she was spouting shit just to disarm her. She'd looked utterly certain of herself in how she had described a girl that had always done her best to be ignored. It had startled Bella, because the things Lauren had said defined someone who wasn't a pathetic mess like she knew herself to be.

At the smaller girl's continuing silence, Lauren had finally nodded to her, leaning close to her ear as she passed her by. "Come find me after last period. I think we need to have a little chat."

And Bella had been incredibly nervous about what else she might be told. Her sudden and abnormal spike of aggression had fizzled out and she had debated with herself for the rest of the day over whether or not she should actually show up. No matter how much she had wanted to hit the other girl before, she wasn't really all that inclined to a cat-fight in the parking lot after school. But then again…Lauren had said chat not fight. Even as the last bell rang, she was still undecided. But that indecision did not stop her from waiting in the parking lot for the other girl…just as she had been instructed to do.

She had been dreading the coming interaction, because she had felt certain that it would be a group event. But Lauren waved everyone off until it was just the two of them before indicating that Bella should follow her to her vehicle. The brunette was still hesitant, but allowed herself to be led to the big black Navigator the other girl had been given for Christmas. Even climbed into the passenger seat while Lauren held the door for her, though internally Bella had half wondered if it was simply to ensure that she did not try to escape. Probably a wise plan, because Bella had honestly been contemplating just that.

There had been silence between them for a while after they left the parking lot and turned onto the main road. Bella had actually been surprised to see that Lauren was a very competent driver, taking no stupid chances and keeping both hands firmly on the wheel. There had only been a quiet drone of the radio, some show that she was unfamiliar with and could scarcely hear. The road had spun by for a time, before Bella realized that she was in an unfamiliar place and had turned to face her driver.

Lauren hadn't looked at her, but her lips had tipped up minutely. "Almost there."

It hadn't exactly been an answer, but clearly the best she was going to get.

Maybe ten minutes later, they had turned onto a driveway leading off into the trees. It had led to a spacious home that, while vastly different in building style from the Cullen's steel and glass dwelling, was also beautiful in its own way. She had followed Lauren into the house after the vehicle came to a stop in the driveway. Had left her bag in the car because she hadn't known how long she was going to be staying.

Lauren had led her into the kitchen and settled her at the table, opening the refrigerator and pulling out what looked like…

"Chocolate cheesecake?" Bella asked hesitantly.

"I always think more clearly with chocolate," Lauren had returned while pulling plates from an overhead cabinet. "Cheesecake is just a perk."

"Not that I don't…appreciate it, but…why am I-"

"' Move along, princess, because I'm not going to sit here any longer and let you treat me like I don't matter just because I'm not as perfect as you think you are.'" Lauren suddenly quoted from Bella's melt down earlier. There was no anger in her tone, which only slightly reassured the now wary girl. "I found that particular statement very interesting," the blonde continued as she cut a pair of horse-sized pieces and plated them. "For a few reasons, actually. And you're just going to have to forgive my bluntness here. See, not long after you and Cullen went official, you started deferring to him. I found that strange, because your very first paper for English after you transferred in was on Shakespeare and his apparent misogyny. You clearly felt justified in the point you were trying to make with that assignment, but as soon as that little washed out freak lifted a brow, you stopped standing up for yourself. Even worse, you stopped wanting to."

Bella had felt her heart begin to pound and it had felt like someone had punched her directly in the gut. Her mouth had opened, the urge to defend him instinctual at that point. But nothing had come out. She had wanted to defend herself, because Edward had been perfect and she had only wanted to be as perfect for him as she could manage. Clearly, Lauren hadn't understood just how unbalanced their relationship had been, because Edward deserved better than herself and had settled for someone so obviously beneath him. Her hands had curled tightly into the hem of her hoody as her gaze had dropped ashamedly to her lap, because she was incapable of finding words good enough…her tongue dead in her mouth. She was a failure.

Lauren had forked up a bite of cake and chewed it thoughtfully while Bella sat there like a lump. "And the saddest part is that even with him gone, he is still controlling you Bella. Watching you two together, it was pretty clear just how little you thought of yourself. You were always correcting your actions whenever he displayed any kind of disproval. You changed your diet because he supposedly knew better than you did just what you should be eating. Took food out of your hands and switched it out right in front of all of us. You allowed his sister to decide what you should wear in order to please him, and honey, it was clear you weren't comfortable in what she decided to put you in."

Bella had flinched, because while she had had reasons for doing those things, the way Lauren had put it sounded even more pathetic from an outside standpoint, because she was being honest and not sugar-coating anything. There was no spite there, just bald truth. And it had hurt to hear it, because Bella had never thought she would be that girl. The one who turned herself inside out for anyone. The one who allowed a guy to make her over into his version of who she should be.

"Now, maybe it was because he was your first serious relationship," Lauren had continued, watching her steadily as she did so, "and yes, some allowances should be made on both sides when you date someone long-term. It's a fair and reasonable thing to do as long as demands are not made for things that you personally object to. But Bella…you made them all…and he did not. He treated you like a puppy he was trying to train to behave properly while off-leash. Positive reinforcement coming in the form of a smile when you heeled and a pat on the head when you stayed quiet and did not bark."

Bella had felt her eyes begin to burn because that had hurt the most. She had done her best to stay one step behind him. He had seemed to want it so that he would be first in line if something tried to get at her, a habit he had developed just after the incident with the nomads. And she had allowed it because she did not want him to worry. And she had stayed quiet for him because he had told her that it was peaceful to be with her…that not being able to see into her head was a gift after he had gotten used to the idea. She had become used to long silences with him. Happy to share time with him, while he held her carefully in his arms; basking in her warmth because he had none of his own.

"You wanted to date him." It had been Bella's last feeble attempt to defend herself. Because if she hadn't been alone in her desire for him, then she couldn't be as pathetic as she sounded. That if she could somehow force herself to repress all the things the other girl had said to her, she might prove that Lauren was just jealous of the time she had had with Edward and only wanted to tear Bella down because of it.

"Sure. In the very beginning," Lauren had stated unashamedly. "He was new. Different. Aloof. Interesting in a very old-fashioned way. Then you started to date him. And I got a very clear look at how he treated you. How he diminished who you were. How he put you on his perfect marble pedestal and began carving away the parts of you that made you unique and strong. Made you into his own silent and dutiful little Galatea." Lauren snorted contemptuously. "After that, there was no way in everlasting Hell and no amount of money in the world that could have induced me to put up with that kind of bullshit."

Bella had wrapped her arms about herself defensively, as if she could blunt the force of Lauren's words. But they had all hit home with a brutality that she couldn't counter. This wasn't a girl poking at the weaknesses of another for the purpose of inflaming her misery, no matter that it hurt like hell to hear it spelled out so plainly. It was much worse, because she hadn't had to hunt for the painful flaws in Bella's defenses. They were all there…right on the surface.

Lauren had nudged the plate she had set before Bella towards her. "Eat. Chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins and tryptophan which in turn helps produce serotonin…something I think you could use a bit of right now."

Bella had numbly…submissively…reached for the fork. She'd eaten the cake, which, even in that state had tasted…comforting somehow. She'd been so rigid in her food intake lately in her attempts to sculpt her body into something acceptable to the Vampire should he ever return, that she had almost forgotten what it felt like to eat for pleasure.

Lauren, for her own part, had quietly gotten up and stepped over to the dishwasher to stow her plate and fork inside, kindly not watching as Bella devoured the treat with her eyes burning dryly, because this had simply been a temporary reprieve from what she had suspected was an intervention not yet over with. But despite that knowledge, just knowing that she had been eating for enjoyment's sake and not simply as fuel for her body had felt a little like rebellion. Such a tiny one, really, but one she couldn't help but savor.

Because once more she could feel anger building up slowly inside her heart.

It wasn't white-hot or raging out of control. It did not burn out quickly like the anger she had felt in The Meadow, because that had been a flash-fire that had flared up quick and bright as it consumed all of her out of control emotions before dying out again. It was the slow smolder of banked coals that had been hidden even from herself, buried under ash and wreckage. And it wasn't new, she had discovered as she felt it out. It had been there for a very long time, refusing to go out no matter how long it took her to find it.

But she had also been right about Lauren, because as soon as Bella finished the last bite, the other girl had quickly cleaned up before grabbing Bella's hand and pulling her along behind her. Bella had done her best to keep up because Lauren's strides were half again as long as her own. They had climbed two flights of stairs before they had come to a door that had turned out to be Lauren's bedroom.

It had been very unlike what she had expected, because it wasn't frilly and delicate. It was rich color and comfort with the most welcoming window-seat Bela had ever seen. A desk in one corner with a computer and a lamp. The carpeting had been deep and plush, sinking under her feet. An open doorway off to the left connected the open and airy space with a walk-in closet and a bathroom. There was a full-length mirror against the wall by the foot of the bed, and Bella had done her best to step by it without looking into it, because she still tried to avoid it whenever possible.

She had turned to face Lauren again, confused as to the reason for them being there when she realized that Lauren had once more narrowed her green eyes on her in a way that felt like they saw far too deeply. "Sit."

Bella had felt unsettled once more under her gaze, but had done as directed, perching gingerly on the edge of the bed and ready to try and escape if need be.

"So here's the thing. I may not know you well, but one thing I do know is that you are very good at keeping shit to yourself. So before I tell you anything more, I want your word that whatever I do tell you today stays in this room."

Nervousness had then coupled with curiosity. Lauren had always been the type to say whatever the hell she felt like. That she would ask Bella for discretion had felt strange, because like she had said, they were not close. They had been casual friends before Edward had made it clear how beneath him Lauren supposedly was. After that, while Bella hadn't openly snubbed her, she had not made overtures to get closer either. And when she had lain in a broken heap for months, she had cut ties completely. But Bella had never been the type to spill secrets, because integrity was not just something that you shared with some people and not others. "Okay."

Lauren had tilted her head, so very catlike as she considered Bella again for a moment. Then apparently she had found what she was looking for because she had nodded. "You hate yourself."

Bella's eyes had widened and she had begun sputtering because it had been so sudden and direct, cutting so close to home that her stomach had clenched, threatening to rebel against the rich desert she had just finished.

"You think you're the only one who has ever felt like that?" Lauren's voice had been a bit softer…almost kind. "I know very well what self-hatred looks like Bella, and you aren't hiding yours very well. I also know how it feels like no one can possibly understand just how bad it hurts."

She had paused for a moment, before sighing and beginning a story that Bella had never imagined the other girl telling.

"When I was thirteen, my mom came into my room one night. It was late and I just gotten back from going to the movies with my cousins. My aunt had taken us over to Port Angeles…we had had so much fun and we were all pretty much sugar-high. I was bouncing off the walls and dancing to some ridiculous song…I can't remember what it was, now. But Mom came in and she needed to talk to me. I think that was the first time that I actually noticed how pale she had become. How fragile she looked."

Lauren had glanced down at her hands for a moment, and Bella had wondered if she was actually seeing the first chink in the other girl's armor…one she had deliberately created. "She had cancer. Had started an aggressive treatment regimen that included a very harsh form of chemo. She'd tried to keep it between herself and Dad, but she was starting to look sick. She'd noticed her first bald spot that morning and realized that she couldn't hide it from me and my older brother Kris any more…it was going to be obvious that something was going on. So she called her sister to come get me and take me for the day because she had needed the time to sit down and plan what she wanted to say. She'd called Kris first, because he was a lot older and better able to cope emotionally. He was a sophomore and away at college at the time, but he was supportive because that's just the way he's built."

"But me? When she sat me down and told me…started explaining how things were likely to progress, because it would be some time before she was going to get better…I didn't take it so well. It didn't fit into my perfect happy little world-view. I screamed at her for not telling me and cried because I hadn't noticed that my mother was sick. She didn't get mad, which made it worse somehow. And over the next few weeks she only started to get worse. Dad…he tried to hold it together at first, but then he couldn't cope with the fact that his wife was fighting a battle that he couldn't win for her. He started working longer and longer hours because he couldn't stand to see her like that."

Lauren had gritted her teeth for a second, narrowing her eyes in a way that somehow made her look fierce instead of vulnerable…and Bella hadn't been able to help envying her for that a little. Because Bella had never been very good about talking about things that hurt without feeling defenseless and fragile.

"Everything felt like it was falling apart. Mom spent most of her days in bed too sick to do more than trudge down the stairs for bland food and make her way to the bathroom when most of it came back up. Kris wasn't there. Dad was rarely there. The housekeeper was driving me to and from school, but that was pretty much the limit of her maternal capabilities. And then I found a way to take some control of my life. I could control what I put in my body and how much. And I got stupid as fuck about it. Because Mom was not in a place to take notice of things beyond how ill and in pain she was. And Dad had learned to pretend that nothing was wrong in his world when he decided to dip his toe into it. Marie wasn't paid to notice, not that I didn't do a pretty good job of hiding what I was doing for a while. I didn't really look all that bad for the first few months while I got the hang of ignoring the hunger pangs and teaching myself the best ways to hide just how little I was actually eating from anyone who might look."

She had laughed harshly. "Did you know that there are actually web sites and forums that teach you how to be a better anorexic? Cause I found them. And I learned from them. And when Mom was finally through with all the rounds of chemo seven months later, I was well-practiced in the art of auto-starvation…because I had decided that that was the best way to not feel completely helpless. I was actually proud of my accomplishment," she had said with a roll of her eyes…like she was not telling Bella something intensely personal and painful.

"Mom noticed first, of course. She'd never really yelled at me before…but she did then. And I screamed back because by then I was sick. Anorexia is an illness…a mental one. I wasn't about to let her take away my self-control. Dad was…so disappointed in me. He'd cut back on his hours again to be with Mom. But there was my mother…trying to recover from a life-threatening illness and I wasn't helping her at all because I was killing myself by inches. I had always been lucky, before, because I had an amazing metabolism. I could eat pretty much anything I wanted and not gain an inch of pudge. I was an early bloomer…had gained my adult height by then and had been a healthy one hundred and twenty-eight pounds. When I was found out, I was down to one hundred and two."

Bella had winced despite herself. Because despite her own body-image issues, she knew that didn't sound at all healthy. And she had been so enthralled by Lauren's story that she had started to relax.

"My hair had become dull, my skin was all pale and blotchy. I wasn't terribly regular with my periods at that point because they were so new, so I don't know if it was effected or not. I had low energy and I was always cold. And I was becoming depressed where I had always been a happy kid. I was starting to look way too bony, but like I said, I was mentally ill and counted it as a sign of accomplishment." Lauren had shrugged as if she didn't even understand it herself.

"And instead of listening when my mother begged me to stop self-destructing, I fought harder. I fought everyone that even hinted that I was sick. Got even sneakier. And sometimes when I couldn't outright avoid eating, I tried to force myself to throw up. Counted myself victorious when my weight dropped to ninety-five pounds. It was nearly spring by then, and Mom was stronger but now she was always scared…more than she had ever been for herself. I really don't know what would have happened if there hadn't been a class trip scheduled…some kind of end-of-the-year outdoor experiential thing. And since we were going to be doing things like mountain biking and hiking and rock climbing, Mom got sneaky herself and said that the school had required all the kids to have had a recent physical to make sure they were physically fit for such a trip. She had called a pediatrician in Port Angeles for advice."

Lauren had pinned Bella's eyes with her own, head still held high and shoulders unbowed as she continued. "That woman saved my life. Yeah, it took me about five seconds to realize my mother had lied to me when I was led back towards the examination room, because the doc had taken one look at me and she had looked…determined. Not like a doctor just confident in her work, but like someone who had a mission. But I was already there, and I was good at ignoring the shit people said that I did not want to hear so I let them take me where they wanted to, certain that I could blow it all off. Still, when we got into the room, she shut the door and then turned and demanded I take my clothes off. She didn't leave and pretend she was protecting my modesty with one of those stupid backless gowns. And when I stood there looking like a scrawny petulant fool, she forced me to look at the mirror. To see myself without all the too-big clothing and all the excuses I had made myself believe. Made me understand that I wasn't controlling myself…I was killing myself. That my fear for my mother and my anger at my father and my helplessness to do anything about any of it had grown and evolved into self-hatred that I had fed by making myself sicker than my mother had been."

"I ended up being hospitalized because I had done so much damage to my body that the doctor was actually forced to cut my food intake down…because I was so freaking weak that I couldn't handle a healthy amount. And Kris came home. He took a semester off to come back and stay with me that summer. To make sure that I knew that he loved me more than he did his schooling, a huge thing because Kris is kind of a geek and is at his best while learning. Sometimes even slept on top of my bed in a sleeping bag to stay with me because I had finally learned to articulate when I was having a bad day and he was there to make sure I didn't sneak off and make myself puke. He was a literal hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on when the self-loathing reared its pathetic head. I got into therapy, family and solo, because for as much as it was mostly my fault for internalizing instead of expressing my fears and insecurities like a healthy and functional human being, my dad had to take his share as well…because he had effectively bailed on me and Mom."

Lauren had watched Bella as she finished spilling her own misery. Let her digest the fact that Lauren wasn't as perfect and careless as she had always assumed her to be. She had her own skeleton in her enormous closet that she had willingly taken out and displayed for a girl who had occasionally thought she was better than herself. And it made Bella feel somehow even more pathetic than before because Lauren's story showed a girl who had been torn down in her own way and had come through it while Bella herself continued to wallow in her own agony.

And, really, what had Bella lost? A boyfriend who was slated to either kill her when he lost control or inevitably ditch her (and he had) when he finally realized that she wasn't up to his standards? She was the one who had listened to the smooth honeyed tones of the Vampire as he promised her everything and gave nothing. Because Lauren had been right…Bella had twisted herself into something unrecognizable even to herself in her efforts to please Edward. She had lost his family as well, because they were like the freaking musketeers, all for one and one for all. She'd also never considered that Lauren just might be a stronger person than she was. Because Lauren had not looked ashamed by her past. She had learned and grown and become someone who could be carefree and blunt-speaking and sharp enough to recognize another's pain…

"Why did you start picking on me," Bella had finally managed to mumble. She hadn't liked the sound of her own voice…because it sounded meek and pitiful. She hadn't known what she expected the answer to her question to be. And maybe she had asked it because she didn't know what had made her special enough for Lauren to start bullying her, but finding out a way to maybe return to anonymity had sounded appealing because it was a little hard to take Lauren's single-minded focus. Even when she wasn't actively picking on her, it was no less comfortable to be around her because she just saw…too much.

"Because you needed to be pushed to learn to defend yourself, Bella." It was so matter-of-fact that Bella had found herself mentally scrambling to make sense of something that sounded like more kindness couched in the form of apparent cruelty. "You needed to learn to guard yourself from what your mind is likely still telling you about your failures. I tried kindness first. You ignored it. Yeah, I get that you were likely very depressed considering just how well Cullen had brainwashed you to follow his every little whim and then cut you off, but when you came back, you made no overtures to anyone. They would have likely accepted you back with open arms if you had tried. But you were too busy with your little self-loathing party of one and they had already been rebuffed by you before. Angela couldn't bear to see you look so lonely though, and she's always been a little too kindhearted for her own good, so she pulled you back into her life before you had a chance to try and cut her off again as well."

"Once you were ready to stand up for yourself, I thought it would be far more likely that you could actually hear me when I spelled out the shit you needed to face. With no one else around but you and me, you might be able to stop worrying about putting up all of your defenses so no one would see the real you. Because you tend to hide everything and hope no one realizes how awkward and uncomfortable you feel. Like you think that if for some reason someone saw the real you, they would abandon you."

Bella had pulled her sleeves down over her hands, no longer able to meet that sharp green gaze. "Edward did."

"Bella, Edward was an emotionally retarded little asshole. I don't know how you put up with him because watching the two of you was like checking the points on a list for the definition of an abusive relationship. He probably hit more of them when you and he weren't around us, something that is even more disturbing. None of us knew what to say to you back then to try and break you loose from him, because you were always around him and for some reason your dad, the freaking Chief of Police, was not forbidding you from being with him. Edward Cullen is also not someone you should hold up as an example for people's reaction to you because he wasn't anything close to normal. Clearly you must have seen different things in him since you were closer…at least I hope to God you did, because if not then you have more issues then I thought…but after getting to know him personally, he seemed to pretty much have had all the personality of a wet paper towel."

"I…Charlie…it wasn't his fault." Funny that she was already doing a far better job of defending her dad with those few words than she had managed for Edward. "I…ran away with Edward once…for a while. Yelled at Charlie so he wouldn't look for me. I ended up getting hurt…pretty badly. I was in the hospital when they…the Cullen's called him and told him where I was."

Lauren had groaned quietly. "Jesus, Bella. No wonder he was afraid to say anything. He probably thought you'd leave him again. You know, he's not really talkative, but he was always proud of you. Town this small, and you don't miss shit like the fact that he missed you when you decided you didn't want to visit here anymore. And when you actually got him talking, he would almost invariably mention you at some point."

Bella had felt a burn behind her eyes, because she had threatened him with exactly that. And it was the first time she had felt ashamed of the words she had spat at him. Yeah, she had been afraid for his life and trying to distance herself for his own safety (and her own) but the words had come too easily because she had been planning to leave him behind without a care once she convinced Edward to turn her. Was going to ditch him as heartlessly as her words had implied she was, to go off and replace him with the Cullens…like he was somehow disposable. And seeing his face crumple because she had deliberately hurt him…it wasn't something she liked knowing that she had done.

And he had taken care of her without complaint while she had simply stopped functioning. Never said a word about it no matter the worry on his face, because he was getting to take care of her at all.

"So we have finally reached the show and tell portion of this little party," Lauren had said briskly, kicking off her shoes like someone who was preparing for a wrestling match on one of those goofy daytime talk shows Bella had occasionally watched. "Keep in mind I am clearly no doctor or therapist. But even I can tell that you have body-image issues out the ass. They were obviously helped along by that little fucker that you, for some unfathomable reason, decided was worthy of you. You probably will like me even less for this, but tough shit. Now…up."

Bella had felt apprehension once more begin to build, because she couldn't imagine what Lauren possibly had in mind, but knew without a doubt that she wasn't going to like it. But she had been conditioned for so long to obey a direction once given, that when Lauren had done so…she had followed it, moving to stand hesitantly beside the other girl who stood…in front of the mirror? And Lauren had suddenly looked determined in a way that Bella hadn't liked.

And she had liked it even less when Lauren had dismissively flicked her fingers at Bella's huge flannel over shirt that she had stolen from Charlie and her baggy jeans. "Take that crap off."

Bella had felt her jaw loosen in shock, unsure if she had heard right. Her hands had come up to defensively clutch at said articles of clothing, her eyes blinking rapidly as she tried to process what Lauren was doing. She'd shaken her head no, taken a step backwards. Because those clothes were all she had to hide her disgusting body from everyone's sight. She had managed to get rid of most of the excess softness with all the running, but it was still far from anything she was willing to let anyone see. She wasn't perfect…wasn't even close to pretty.

Lauren's eyes had been somewhere between determined and sympathetic as she cocked her head slightly. "Bella, do you really want to hold on to that self-loathing so much? Because it's controlling you. It chokes you and blinds you to reality. Makes you see yourself as so much less than you are. Do you remember your first couple of weeks here? Three different guys asked you to prom. Contrary to popular opinion, it takes a lot of guts for a guy to ask out a girl and risk rejection, especially when he is standing in line behind others that have already tried and been shot down. And they still thought you were worth the effort. They hardly knew you and thought you were worth it. Why can't you try and see yourself as worthy?"

Why couldn't she?

Once more that hidden fire banked deep inside of her had flickered, pushing at the cold emptiness inside her body. Before she could rethink things, she lifted her hands and began shoving buttons through holes and stripping herself out of the thick flannel before starting on the next layer, tugging it all over her head until she stood there in her bra. And when she had looked at Lauren, there had been no satisfaction there to see Bella stripping her physical defenses away…only relief. Because she knew exactly how hard this was. This wasn't some whim on her part to make Bella feel even more vulnerable…and it somehow gave Bella the courage to bend over and finish pulling her boots off so she could step out of her jeans. She'd still been sickened by the thought of having to look into the mirror, because that was obviously the next step, but knowing that Lauren wasn't standing there and judging her on her physical imperfections either real or imagined had helped in ways that Bella could never have explained.

But standing there in her underclothes and not looking would have pretty much defeated the whole purpose of Lauren's attempts. She had felt her stomach clench with anxiety because that first look at herself when she'd become aware enough to notice things again had pretty much highlighted every physical defect she had. She hadn't really looked again since, tossing a sheet over the mirror on her vanity and refusing to look at the one in the bathroom. The image of herself, looking so broken and pathetic, had been pretty much been burned into her mind and seeing it again couldn't fail to hurt as much this time as it had the time before.

But she had straightened her spine and looked. And had been confused. Because the girl looking back at her did not match her memory. She was far from perfect…but she didn't look physically weak and haggard like she remembered. Still pale but not like she had been, faint color blooming under the surface as if she were healthy. She wasn't anything close to muscle-bound but shifting her weight showed the muscle along her thighs and calves as she moved…a result of all the miles she had run. She also wasn't as slender as she had been when she had first arrived in Forks, but closer to what she had been before she had given up dancing.

She'd glanced at Lauren, who had stood quietly while she attempted to process the changes. She was still discouraged as she glanced at the gorgeous girl next to her, because Lauren was tall and slim and unfairly closer to perfect than she would ever attain. But Lauren, who had pretty much proven that she was so much sharper than Bella had given her credit for in the past, had simply lifted a brow before shrugging out of her own clothing and stepping forward next to Bella.

Bella had bitten her lip, because Lauren's confidence didn't disappear as she stood there. Her underclothing wasn't ridiculously sexy, but almost elegantly simple as if she didn't feel the need to distract from herself with lace and bows. Bella's own fragile self-confidence had curled into a tiny ball and tried to hide, because while they had always laughed about Lauren becoming a model…she looked like one.

"Bella…you can't compare yourself to me, because we do not have the same body type. I'm tall and slim…always have been even when I was a child. I have some muscle because even though I don't need to run to keep my weight down, I do it because it feels good and it helps keep my head clear. That being said, you have the boobs I won't ever get unless I bought them. Not huge but not ignorable either. You aren't anything close to stumpy-legged, though I would be thankful that your legs aren't up to your eyebrows, because believe me, trying to find pants that are long enough without being so huge in the waist that they just fall down kind of sucks."

Bella had been surprised by the humor, and a small smile had fought its way onto her face.

Lauren had smiled back. "You have a tiny waist and good hips…but again, I will never look like you, because I'm shaped long and lean. You also have the ass I always wanted, too," she continued with an unselfconscious bluntness that had made Bella blink before blushing faintly. "So, yeah, my body type just so happens to be popular in magazines and in demand for the runway. Which, hey, more power to the fashion designers for being such cheapskates that they try to save money by making their clothing in the tiniest possible sizes." She'd shrugged, clearly dismissing that ridiculousness for the time being. "Whatever. My point was that for you to try and make yourself look like me is not healthy because you aren't meant to look like me. You were meant to look like you. I'm not sure if you've ever really looked up what guys actually find attractive in females…but I'll give you a hint…it's generally not astring bean in a size zero. There is a reason that Marilyn Monroe is still considered to be one of the most beautiful women."

Bella had let the other girl's words run through her mind as she gazed into the mirror. Tried to fit them in with what she thought she knew of herself. Because Lauren had been watching her in a way that simply felt considering…and lacking in the revulsion Bella had been expecting. She had hesitantly placed her hand on her stomach, which no longer looked soft as it had before. Noticed the way her hips curved instead of jutted like she had always thought they did. While she would never look as slender as Lauren was, she was strong in a way she hadn't been in years. Not that she was fat like she had been seeing herself, either, because one hundred and twenty-five for someone her height and muscle mass was healthy according to Sue Clearwater; Charlie had finally convinced Bella to let her look her over not long before that afternoon. It hadn't been invasive and Bella had done her best to not see anything as Sue had asked her questions and weighed her before gently convincing the reluctant girl to let her at least look at her with her tank-top on. She'd supposed that Charlie had just been worried for her because of her melt-down and had immediately forgiven him for it because no matter how much she had hated having someone else determine whether or not she needed to change the course she had set for her recovery, he was her father and deserved to know she wasn't still trying to hurt herself.

"You are also likely going to be stronger than I will ever be if you keep up the running, Bella," Lauren had offered. "You'll never be The Incredible Hulk unless you do something drastic, mind you…but strength in a girl is pretty awesome too. The right kinds of guys won't ever hate it if you can hold your own. The healthy and well-adjusted ones will respect you for it." Something in her tone had cued Bella into the thought that maybe the reason why Lauren knew that was because she had…quite possibly…found the right one for herself. Something that had surprised her, because it was the first time that she had been able to contemplate someone else's life beyond her own interactions with them in a long time…her own misery too huge to allow for such thoughtfulness.

But, standing there…a question had floated into her mind that she could not manage to let go of. It felt ungrateful because nothing about anything since they had stepped into Lauren's home had felt needlessly cruel. Things had hurt…a lot…but Lauren hadn't done any of it with malicious intentions. You don't tell someone a deeply painful part of your past like she had done with the intention of tearing them to pieces. And it had given Bella a sense of comfort that she wasn't alone in her all-too-human hurt. But like Lauren had said…they weren't close, and she couldn't understand why she had done what she had for her. Why she had pulled off her armor to show Bella her own vulnerabilities and mistakes. "Why are you doing all of this?"

Lauren didn't even pretend she hadn't understood the question. And yeah, Bella was pretty sure she was going to have to reevaluate the way she had judged anyone she had ever met after that day. The blonde had just smiled, a touch sad and a great deal more empathetic than Bella would have ever believed from the teen queen. "Because you're letting me."

Bella had blinked at the forthright and simple answer. Something that she hadn't anticipated because she'd never considered that her own defenses had been so high in an attempt to protect her shattered heart that she had kept everyone far away. That her loneliness was partly her own doing. "I'm…I'm not sure how to fix myself. I know I'm…broken…screwed up. I want to be angry with Edward. I think part of me is…but it's not enough of me. I just…I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to find who I used to be before…before he came along. I don't know if I can be stronger…like you are."

It had been the most honest thing she had said about how she felt since Edward had left her and it had hurt just to force the words out of her mouth. Admitting to her fragility and her helplessness, something she had only glossed over with Jacob, felt like she was cutting another gaping hole in her chest and exposing everything she had been trying to protect.

Lauren just shook her head as she stepped over to her dresser and pulled out a set of flannel pajamas, before tossing a pair of sweats and a soft t-shirt towards Bella. "I don't want you to be me," she said as she put on the things she kept for herself. "I want you to be you. To be happy being you. Don't try to find who you were pre-Cullen, because you just won't…believe me. You have to find who you are now once you find a way to deal with all the guilt and regret. The anger, too…because that part's also inevitable. May not feel like it now, but when you start getting your head on straight, you're probably going to start hating him. And that's healthy too when you've been hurt badly by someone."

Bella had wondered how that could ever be possible as she slowly pulled on the things Lauren had handed her. Because even the little shred of anger she had discovered directed towards her missing Vampire was tiny in comparison to her love of him. She'd pondered on that for the rest of the evening as she sat with Lauren in the family room eating the chicken the girl had cooked for dinner. And for the most part, Lauren had just kept her company while Bella attempted to digest everything the other girl had told her. The shock and hurt and anger and surprisingly relief she had felt that someone understood how messed up she was…who not only accepted that she was far from well but wasn't trying to wave a magic wand and fix her.

When asked why she hadn't sent Bella home after their talk, Lauren said that she was very aware that one afternoon wasn't going to somehow cure Bella, but leaving her alone while trying to process everything wasn't going to be terribly productive either. Later, Bella had called Charlie at Lauren's prompting and told him that she was going to be spending the night at the Mallory household. Charlie had been surprised because Bella had pretty much kept entirely to herself other than Jacob and Angela. But he had seemed pleased to hear it and had wished her a good night.

And when she started to have that same stupid dream again after they had gone to bed…Lauren was right there next to her to shake her awake before it pulled her completely down into despair once more.

She should have known that things wouldn't go easily the next day, despite the restful and lazy Saturday morning she'd gotten to have. Because she'd been home all of five minutes when Charlie had walked into her room and told her that Jacob was on his way and that he'd sounded upset.

Forty-five minutes later, Jacob was parking his beat up old VW Rabbit in her driveway and knocking on her front door. It was the car he had been rehabbing for quite some time at that point, and he was so proud of it…but right then he had just looked sad and angry. Bella hadn't known if she had enough left in her after how exhausting the day before had been emotionally, but instinct had her wrapping the boy up in her arms as tightly as she could manage, because his eyes had been red as if he had been crying.

Turned out Embry, Jacob's lifelong friend, had suddenly and completely cut ties with him and Quil. No excuse was given, other than that they just couldn't be friends anymore. The other boy had been…strange. He'd always been pretty even tempered in the past, but Jake told her that he'd suddenly cut off the long hair he'd had since he was little and had begun bulking up. He'd also gotten a tattoo. Impossible as it sounded when Jake had said out loud, it almost sounded like he'd started taking steroids because the change had been that extreme. The weird new tension…and the aggressive anger. Because he'd been practically vibrating with it the last time Jake had tried to talk to him. Even stranger was the outright hatred he had shown towards Billy before he had stalked out of the Black home not to return.

He'd also started to hang around with a group of older guys, the apparent leader of them being the one responsible for finding her that night after Edward had ditched her in the woods. They were all stupidly tall and muscular and pretty much intimidated the crap out of Jake, who was not really all that short himself anymore even if he was still lean. Even worse, Jake was afraid. Because the oldest, Sam Uley, was starting to watch him.

It was weird how much Jake had looked like a scared little boy right then, his crush on her nowhere in sight because he was too busy worrying about what the guy might want with him. And she'd had absolutely no idea what to tell him because she didn't even remember Sam let alone have any inkling of what his intentions might be. She'd ended up hanging out with him most of the weekend, either at his place or hers. Talking with him and listening to him tell stories about his childhood with the boy whose friendship he had somehow lost without knowing why.

Monday, Bella had screwed up her courage and sat down at her old place. Because seeing Jake so distraught over his loss of Embry had managed to bring home another part of Lauren's lesson…that the loss of a friend was not something that you should just roll over and accept. Jake had done his best, though in the end it had amounted to nothing. Bella had done zilch to try and fix things. So she had sucked up her absolutely misplaced pride and apologized for her aloofness. Explained that she had fallen into a really bad depression when everyone had called after Edward had moved away. She'd never intended to push anyone away, she'd just been so messed up that she had kind of detached from reality because she wasn't able to cope with it. And then she hadn't known how to fix things when she had returned.

It had felt terrifying to leave herself that open without knowing how they would respond. She supposed she was actually trusting these people who had once tried to befriend her not to hurt her with her vulnerabilities exposed. She'd never really left herself open to them before, always hiding away parts of herself. Afraid, just like Lauren had said, that people would not like the real her and snub her. But the craziest thing happened, because every single one of them had just smiled at her and agreed that all they had really wanted of her was for her to let them in. To have her let them be her friends outside of casual, shallow acquaintance only in the school building. Jessica had hugged her, babbling a mile a minute and it was…cute. Mike had smiled and winked, something that was simply friendly and not flirty while Eric rambled about a comic book he had read.

Strange that it felt like before…that they hadn't changed at all. But maybe it had been because they had never been hiding who they were. And she actually had a friendship with Lauren this time. She was still slightly intimidated by her but she'd been beginning to realize that when Lauren had shared her story with her that she was doing what her own brother had done…offering to be Bella's hand to hold and shoulder to lean on. She was no fair-weather-friend and once she truly let you in she was the unflinchingly loyal.

But even she had designs on the destruction of Bella's ugly wardrobe. Though unlike Alice, it wasn't about putting her in some high-end designer something-or-other, but about getting the girl into clothes that were comfortable as well as attractive. Things that fit her personality and allowed her to modestly show off a body that Bella had previously been so ashamed of. There was not one piece that she gently talked Bella into trying on that she disliked, nor had she forced her to play Bella-Barbie and stand there while she critiqued it; something that Bella had disliked when Alice had done. The clothing made her feel pretty and feminine instead of stiff and formal. It had made her wonder how Lauren clearly knew her so much better than Alice had, especially given Alice's psychic gift.

But nothing could have prepared her for the way that Lauren's prediction about her rage at Edward came true.

She'd been driving along the highway on her way home from school in a freak snowstorm, admittedly driving too fast and taking a couple of stupid chances, because she wanted to get home before she got stuck. Her tires had hit black ice when she tried to switch lanes a little too quickly and her truck had fishtailed dangerously before it spun more than three hundred and sixty degrees. And suddenly, she'd heard Edward's voice loud and clear as if he were in the cab next to her. His voice was calling to her and begging her to be safe, so real that she had turned sideways to the passenger seat.

And there he was.

She'd been so startled by his appearance that she had shrieked, louder even than she had in response to her skidding tires. Her attention had been dangerously split between the Vampire and trying to not die.

Her truck had finally come to a shuddering stop near the median divider, when she had glanced back at Edward…only to find that he was gone as mysteriously as he had appeared.

And hadn't that been just so very fucking typical of him?

The thought had been so bitter and so very out of character for her in regards to the immortal boy she had loved that for a moment she had been stunned still. However, while she was mentally wrestling with the ramifications of her reaction, something else had taken root and begun boiling up wildly. It took her completely by surprise when she realized that she was absolutely shaking with rage. Because he had once more broken a promise to her. He had vowed that she would never see him again, and just like he had always done, he had appeared at the very last second to tell her that she was in danger…as if she had somehow missed it?! Once more treating her like she was too dim to understand the jeopardy she had put herself in.

She was so angry with him right then that she had screamed again, eyes closed and pounding her fists on the steering wheel hard enough to bruise her knuckles.

She was still sitting there stewing when someone had knocked on the passenger window. She had jumped, startled, before she had unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted over to roll down the window. She'd managed to offer reassurances for the concerned man who had come to check on her…even managed to be polite and smile while inside she was a seething mass of boiling fury.

She hadn't managed to stop squeezing her hands around the wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white until she'd finally gotten her truck back out into traffic and headed home. And she'd told everyone about her near miss…just never mentioned Edward's appearance. She didn't want to say that she was afraid that he'd changed his mind and come back, because she didn't want to fall back into that slavish state she had existed in for him. She was afraid of the hold he had had on her and didn't want to lose who she might be becoming because she was slowly growing into a better person than before.

And when she didn't see Edward again for a while, she had been more relieved than she could have expressed.

Time passed. She was so close to being caught up in school, because each of her friends had a specialty and had collaborated to get her up to speed faster than she could have imagined. Oddly, Mike was a math wizard in the making and had spent a great deal of time coaching her. The awkwardness between them was gone and he would even joke good-naturedly about his old crush on her. When he hugged her on occasion she never felt that pressure of lingering unrequited feelings.

Not like with Jacob who still refused to give up hope that she would return his love in a way that she did not. Could not. Because she saw him as a little brother. She was sad for him for the Embry-shaped hole in his life and the increasing amount of time he spent avoiding Scary Sam and as a result spent time with him and invited him and his father over for dinner occasionally while exclaiming over the progress he was making on his car.

She was just beginning to feel secure that Edward's reappearance was a one-time fluke when he appeared again.

She had been crossing the street after picking up some part that Charlie needed to fix a leak in the pipes under the kitchen sink, one he needed her to get because he was going to be off work far too late to get to the hardware store all week. It had been 8:30 in the evening and dark out. She was responding to a text message from Angela about getting all the girls together for a sleepover at Jessica's that weekend and had been crossing with the light at the crosswalk when a car suddenly came barreling around the corner, swerving wide to keep from running up on the curb. The driver had likely had to stand on the brakes, the car bucking wildly and the tires squealing as they strove to not turn her into street-pizza. Didn't stop the car from hitting her though, and she'd found herself bouncing off the bumper to land on her ass in the snowy street a few feet away.

The car had hesitated for a moment while Bella had lain there in a stunned heap, her heart hammering in her chest at the near fatality, when the engine was suddenly gunned and the driver sped away.

"Bella, love…please be more careful. I told you to try and not do anything that might endanger yourself."

"Fuck off, Edward!" she had said angrily as she climbed gingerly to her feet, stiff and sore and already feeling the bruises beginning to set in. Nothing had felt broken, thank God, so she had hurried to the side of the road to confront the glittering bastard who hadn't done shit but complain about the fact that she had just been hit by a goddamned car!

But…there was no one there.

She'd looked around, only to see his reflection standing behind her in the darkened glass of a storefront. His golden eyes had looked hurt and disapproving of her outburst. His face was still every bit as perfect as she had remembered it to be, and her heart had felt torn between resentment and loss. He didn't get to be disappointed in her! He had broken her and then left her! She had turned to scream at him (maybe…hopefully) or beg him to stay that time (no, please God, don't), but he was once more gone. Even worse…when she looked down, there were no footprints in the snow other than her own.

She'd wondered if maybe she had hit her head harder than she'd realized and actually hallucinated the Vampire. She cringed that her mind had chosen him of all people for her to see if that was indeed the case. It had hurt so much when he had appeared the last time and then vanished again…to say nothing of the mess he had left behind on the forest floor.

Glancing around, she had spied her phone still lying in the street and had stiffly made her way over towards it. She was thankful for the ridiculously heavy-duty phone case that Charlie had insisted upon when he had bought her the phone, because the screen wasn't cracked. She'd honestly considered trying to drive herself home, but if she really had been hallucinating then it probably wouldn't have been the best idea she'd ever had. She'd debated calling Charlie, but he was still at work. So she'd called Lauren, who had immediately demanded that she go sit in the coffee shop a few doors down and wait for her. It had been a relief to sit because she'd been getting sorer by the minute.

By the time Lauren appeared with the most welcome bottle of Aleve she had ever seen in her entire life, she'd actually needed a bit of help getting up into the girl's behemoth SUV. She'd reassured the blonde that nothing was damaged beyond bumps and bruises and a trip to the ER wasn't needed. She'd just wanted to go home and climb into the tub to try and soak away the pain, but Lauren had insisted that she call Charlie after all and tell him they were on their way. Hopefully her dad could pull the footage from the traffic cam and get a lead on the asshole who had hit her before driving off like a cowardly piece of crap.

Charlie had not been a happy man when they had pulled up, waiting anxiously in front of the building and telling Lauren to go ahead and park there despite the signs indicating otherwise. Then he had practically carried Bella into the stationhouse despite her protestations. Apparently, being her father gave him permission to ignore her embarrassment over being fawned over when she'd been involved in a hit-and-run.

Thankfully, things got sorted out quickly and Charlie had all the information he'd needed by the end of the night. Bella hadn't even needed to press charges in the end because the video had been pretty damning. The guy who had hit her had been drunk and claimed to not remember a thing about the incident. He hadn't served much jail time, but he'd been fined for driving while under the influence and his license had also been revoked. The hit-and-run as well as the fleeing-the-scene charges had earned him a decent chunk of time on probation, as had the fact that he was not of age to have been drinking in the first place. And apparently, when his parents heard about it, they had repo'd his car until he decided to act like a halfway mature adult again.

Charlie hadn't been all that satisfied with things because he'd thought the kid had gotten off lightly, but he'd accepted it.

Unfortunately, during that whole process, Bella had made a rather disturbing discovery.

Because a week and a half after the accident, Bella had been running down the stairs in front of the library when she'd slipped in an unseen puddle of what looked like spilled yogurt and tumbled down the entire long flight of stone steps. It hadn't really hurt all that much, just jarred the bruises from the accident and rattled her teeth while flooding her with adrenaline.

Predictably, that was when Edward had shown up again.

"Bella, please…you must be more careful. Your mortal life is already so short. Please, for my sake, do pay more attention."

Her head had whipped around and she'd caught sight of him standing just feet from her, shoulders hunched with misery and his head bowed. Bella had covered her face in her hands before growling in frustration, the anger at him once more flaring bright and she'd gripped it tight because she wasn't anywhere close to wanting to forgive him. "Jesus Christ, Edward! Can't you do anything other than show up to bitch at me? Like, I don't know…help me up, maybe?!"

She'd been proud of the fact that she hadn't crumbled at the sight of him. She hadn't even wanted to touch him, but laying there on the sidewalk wasn't all that great either. He was breaking his promise yet again and she honestly was beginning to hate him for the way he kept showing up to rub in her face the fact that he had stolen everything from her, including the things that he had had no right to take. He had essentially robbed her of the things he had once given her like the selfish and childish bastard she was beginning to realize that he was. Knowing that he'd left her in a pathetic mess wasn't enough to change his mind, neither had her desperate declarations of her love for him, but oh God forbid she disobey his last fucking decree and get hurt! The love had still been there as she had lain there, but God did she want to punch him in his stupid perfect face. Maybe take a crowbar to his kneecaps.

Only, there had been no familiar sigh of oh-so-superior patience and the lack had confused her enough to pull her hands from her face. Just to see that he had once more simply left her there.

Oh, that had been so fucking it.

She'd been so angry and done with him showing up to whine at her before leaving her again that she had thrown herself behind the wheel of her old red truck and driven the still familiar route towards the Cullen residence. Her heart had been pounding with the thrill of oncoming battle. She'd practically felt steam coming from her ears. She'd had a bone to pick with the rest of the Cullens as well because they were every bit as guilty of abandoning her after all their apparently empty words about family.

But after she'd pulled up in front of the still-beautiful home it hadn't taken her long to recognize that something was very wrong…because it had looked empty. Not even in the way a home did when the family it housed was simply away for the day, but well and truly abandoned. Like it hadn't been tended to in a very long time. Esme had always been very proud of the home and had been absolutely devoted to its care and upkeep. But right then, as Bella had gazed at it through the windshield, the trees and bushes had been left to grow wild and the walkway was covered in rotting leaves from the previous winter.

She'd slowly climbed down from the truck to look through one of the windows and something in her had recoiled at the emptiness of the place. The few pieces of furniture they had left behind were covered in white sheets like ghosts. She never even tried the doorknob…she'd not wanted to know if they had even bothered to lock up, because if they had not, then it was clear that they had simply not cared enough to bother and did not care what happened to the place after they were gone because they were never coming back.

Funny to feel sympathy for a house…but she had. Because they had both been abandoned by the very same people…people who had promised to take care of them.

But seeing it so empty had finally driven Bella to the conclusion that Edward had never really been there to stand in judgment of her recent close calls. That her hallucination after the accident had not, in fact, been the first time she had done so…and apparently it wouldn't be the last time she had done so either. Part of her had been so relieved by his continued absence that she'd nearly started hyperventilating, her heartbeat echoing in her ears. But still that traitorous bit of her had wailed in utter despair that he was not there.

She'd sat on their front steps for hours, trying to sort out everything in her head but finding herself feeling lost and confused and broken once more. She had tried so hard to get past her misery only to find herself drowning in it. She'd hated the hopelessness she'd felt, because it seemed like she just couldn't escape it.

She might very well have sat there all night, but Charlie had called and asked if she would like to go over to the Black's for dinner. Jake had actually cooked and wanted them there.

She still felt cruel for the way that the boy was trying so hard to make her fall in love with him, but right then she had needed a few friendly faces. Wanted to forget the fact that she had felt like she had just lost Edward all over again. Wanted to hug the bright, sunny-natured kid and soak in his warmth to thaw the cold aching in her soul.

She had also mentally sworn that she would be more careful, because she did not want to see Edward again.

Unfortunately, she soon found out that it was one she just couldn't keep, because just over a week later she was leaving the movie theater with Angela in Port Angeles when a pair of young men had begun harassing them. It was almost funny, because for as tall as Angela was, she had very nearly disappeared into the wall when she had realized that the duo following them weren't just coincidentally going in the same direction. Her eyes had been huge behind her glasses, her lower lip trembling in a way that Bella instinctively despised because it meant that Angela was terrified.

She may have been smaller than the other girl, but where Angela was a pacifist, Bella was starting to become something so far from it that it was laughable. The part of her that Edward had nearly eradicated in his efforts to make her his perfect biddable little pet human had flared up in response to the threat against her friend. The lewd remarks had angered her, but talk was just that. The crowding she could also have done without. However, when one of the creeps had reached out and tugged tauntingly at Angela's modest blouse, Bella had mace'd the fucker right in the eyes and blew sharply on the rape whistle that Charlie had thought he was being sneaky about attaching to Bella's keychain. Both of the males had dropped like rocks with their hands over their ears and Bella had kept right on blowing the damned whistle until a pair of off-duty cops, who had been on their way to the theater to go see a film with their families, had raced across the parking lot and taken over.

She'd slowly lead the other girl towards their cars, hugging her tightly to help calm the shaking and gently wiping away the tears before seeing her on her way.

She'd climbed into her truck…and sighed. Because almost on cue Edward's voice filled the cab as her hallucination once more berated her for putting herself in danger. She was exhausted from the day and from the near-attack. And so instead of sitting there trying to ignore the figment of her obviously troubled imagination, she'd snarled at him and launched into a diatribe that had felt so freeing that when she realized he was once more gone she was actually fucking grinning.

It had felt good to unleash on him. To tell him exactly what she thought of him. It didn't escape her notice that she had only felt secure in doing so with him not able to respond. Maybe she was still desperately pathetic, but hating him felt freeing.

And as time began to pass once more, she found herself attempting to recreate the danger needed to bring him back, because she was seeing him despite his promise only it was on her own terms. And nearly every damned time she would yell and scream like a psychotic bitch for his abandonment of her. For the way he had broken her, both before and after his departure. His lies and his superiority and his goddamned stupid ability to touch his fucking piano more intimately then he had ever done for her. Not that that had fucking mattered anymore, because her body was still frozen to desire.

Yeah, there were some days that she had crumpled with misery and begged him to come back. Imagined that she could see the love in his eyes. The crooked smile that had made warmth bloom under her skin. The way his bright bronze colored hair had shimmered even in the softest light and the way his skin had looked like diamonds under the rays of the sun. Those days were the ones that she hated herself once more for her patheticness. Wished she could get drunk enough to drown out his memory completely without Charlie finding out.

Not likely when one's father was the Chief of Police.

Still, not everything had been about her obsessive risk taking. Thankfully, she'd had very few 'attempts' go badly enough to leave her injured enough that anyone noticed. A good thing because one night on a girl's night at Lauren's house, the blonde had pulled out a very impressive music collection and all four of them had had a silly impromptu dance party right there in her bedroom. And Bella discovered that her talent with dance was not limited strictly to ballet.

Watching Lauren sway gracefully to the music and the more energetic twisting of Jessica's body…the way even Angela had easily caught the beat…Bella had found herself rolling smoothly with the music that was a far cry from what she tended to listen to. But it wasn't bad. Lauren had grinned and tried to match her, laughing when she couldn't because Bella was actually far more flexible than any of them. Jessica had slowed down a bit to allow Bella to see what she was doing more clearly, then the two of them were playfully winding about each other while Jessica pretended to spout off cheesy pickup lines. Angela had turned red with a few of them, but couldn't stop laughing even when it hampered her own dancing.

They ended up having so much fun that night that all four of them plus Mike and Erik had made plans to go to a dance club the next weekend. Bella had been nervous, because she didn't want to end up leading anyone on and giving them the idea that she wanted to do anything but dance. It wasn't that she really thought herself all that irresistible, but even Mike had warned her that guys in dance clubs could be stupid. Some thinking that just because you let them dance with you that you were going to let them grind all over you. At Lauren's suggestion, he had pulled up a song on his phone and showed her where the limit she should accept from her partners fell. Some intimacy was to be expected given the type of dancing, but there were clear boundaries. Mike said that if you could tell how hard his penis was, that line was more than crossed and she was perfectly within reason to tell the guy to kick rocks.

It should have felt awkward dancing like that with the guy who used to pursue her, but he didn't do anything but move with her, hands loose on her hips. He'd actually put on quite a few inches in height since last year and was starting to fill out. She was surprised to notice that he was actually a good looking guy where before she had always seen him as a goofy puppy of a boy. She wasn't attracted to him, but it was nice to be able see it without being blinded by Edward's Vampiric beauty.

The club had actually been fun. Lauren knew the bouncers and so they had all skipped to the front of the line, getting stamped as liquor-banned because of their age before stepping inside. Jessica had cautioned her that even in a relatively small city like Port Angeles, you never wanted to have any kind of drink that did not come with a lid and that you never left it on a table…to do so was to pretty much kiss it goodbye because you could never trust that it would remain untainted. So the girls had all checked their jackets and stepped over to the bar to buy bottles of water. Apparently the guys there were pretty cool and would refill them for free so it was a good deal.

Then they had all moved over to the dance floor.

It was a quiet night despite the throng of bodies, the music louder than Bella had been expecting but not so much that her head hurt. And she had honestly been expecting that any second she would feel overwhelmed. But instead, she danced and actually had fun. They didn't really move far from each other all night, something that probably helped a great deal. But Bella danced with Mike, then Erik, then Jessica and Mike together.

She felt oddly free there…where she was just another body and no one knew her beyond people she trusted. No one to tell her she was doing things wrong, because there was no such thing in a place like that. It was too dark for anyone to really see much of anyone else and so Bella didn't worry that she wasn't attractive to some of the other guys who occasionally pulled her in for a song or two. Only one of them had actually tried to push her for more than she wanted to give and Mike had accidentally-on-purpose stumbled into him, driving the heel of his shoe into the guy's toes. His blue eyes had been wide and innocently apologetic as what had sounded like a heartfelt 'sorry' had spilled out from between his smiling lips. Bella had moved away from the guy in the small kerfuffle, Jessica once more declaring that it was her turn and the guy could just piss off because Bella had been hers first. It was over so fast that Bella never really even had the chance to feel nervous. Mike had just grinned at her before going over to dance with Angela.

By the end of the night, Bella was tired and smiling and trying to stay awake in the car as they all drove back to Lauren's place before the guys took off for the night.

And when Lauren had suggested they all go out again in a couple of weeks, Bella had found herself immediately agreeing. Erik couldn't go, but the rest of them had had a great time. They danced, they laughed, they joked, and Bella discovered that she kind of didn't really want to leave at the end of the night. She felt a confidence in herself that she wasn't used to, because she had found something she was good at. True, this kind of dancing wasn't really an art form, but getting to lose herself in music as she matched her movements to another, even if it was someone she didn't know, was something she had appreciated a great deal after all of the loneliness she had felt. People that she could take comfort in without having to share her reasons for wanting it and they weren't likely to burden her with their own.

Charlie had been very amused that his previously clumsy-as-hell daughter had become the girl that randomly danced about the house with a faint smile on her face.

She had liked that smile on his face in response.

So much so that she had hoped desperately that he never found out about all the dangerous shit she was doing because she still wasn't able to let go of either her love or hate for Edward Cullen. The way she had convinced Jake to join in by buying a pair of broken-down motorcycles and rebuilding them so they could go out together. The promise of her spending time with him while he did so had been lure enough for the young man and Bella had felt even more guilty for it because no matter how many times she tried to be kind about it, she didn't want to hurt him so she'd not voiced the words that would probably humiliate him. Being brother-zoned was pretty much the kiss of death, even she knew that. And yeah, she'd nearly killed herself that first ride, but it had been thrilling. And Edward had never been so clear before…not since he'd actually been there. The vindictive thrill she'd felt at the sight of his pain still made her feel uncomfortable.

So now here she was.

Sitting in front of a mirror as she put the finishing touches on the minimal makeup she was going to wear for the evening. She glanced down as her phone buzzed, telling her that it was Jake apologizing for being a butthead. He'd wanted to come with her once he found out where she had been going, didn't care that he didn't really know her school friends, and had been hurt when she wouldn't break her plans to go out with them once he found out that he had to be at least eighteen to get in. It had been their first real argument, but Bella suspected that it would not be the last, because Jake was starting to get more aggressive in his campaign to be with her. And she was going to have to suck up the courage to tell him that it wasn't going to happen. Because like it or not, Edward had not let her heart go yet. She did not have enough left of herself to give anyone what they deserved let alone someone as good as Jacob Black. And even if she did…

Eight months…and her body was still dead to desire. No male she spoke to, danced with, or saw on a movie screen evoked even a trace of it.

Bella shook her head. It didn't really matter. She had lived eighteen years without sex…clearly it wasn't something she would die without. Edward was still creeping about somewhere in the world and he'd been a virgin since 1901.

Deciding that she looked as good as she was going to, she picked up her phone and the small stack of her ID and the cover charge. She grabbed her jacket and stood up, taking a quick glance at her outfit…a pale blush pink tank top of some ridiculously soft material that wasn't tight but clung gently against her torso and a layered skirt nearly to her ankles in a delicate knit fabric in shades of cream edged in black. It was feminine and pretty, giving hints as to her body beneath it but not revealing anything outright.

Good enough.

Nodding to her reflection, Bella switched off the light, stepped out of her room and down the stairs, and settled in to wait for Lauren and Jessica to arrive.