A wand...a very large wand
Arthur Weasley sat down in the shed, his chair was comfortable, allowing his belly button to sit just above the lip of the table in front of him. He had two bags of mixed trinkets he had picked up at a thrift store near his work, with muggle money Ginny had been exchanging for Galleons. The money exchange was a huge hit when the iPad came out and Internet became a bustle for the muggle and wizarding communities alike, and Ginny had been there to capitalize.
He poured his two bags into the box he had begun to collect of his newer purchases, it seemed Molly would always need him when his curiosity was at its peak and he had to leave some stuff behind. He began collecting this box, which was labeled "trinkets and oddities", due to leaving stuff on the table where kids could grab them. Although he had no kids currently living under his roof, it became a habit to pour them in and explore the box of wonders. Finding things he had bought months, weeks or minutes ago, he relished in the surprise. Captivated, Arthur picked up a very grizzled book titled "Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Second Edition" he took a couple pages in and was intrigued but decided not to delve too deep before seeing everything in the box of trinkets and oddities.
He reached in and grabbed the next thing his fingers grasped, it was an ornate silver etching, the words "In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." He chuckled at the thought of muggle logic, the universe was created by magic, this was just one of many magical universes, Merlin had written all about it.
He let his hand rummage deep into the box and grasped something metallic, he rustled it out and took a look. Buddha sat staring at him, hands resting on its knees with palms facing the sky. "You look like a beggar!" Arthur accosted the figure, hoping for a reaction from it. "Of course not..." He exclaimed with a sigh looking back to the box, where a burgundy colored oval ring, with bumps covering the surface and a very large one on either apex, sat. Transfixed by its simplicity, he grabbed for its pliable form. When he picked it up he tested its springy nature and decided it would be best placed around finger, the lumps were quite sturdy and he thought it could be a good addition to massages. He looked through a few more of the items, nothing really striking his fancy and decided to go see what dinner was going to be tonight. He picked up the book about dungeons and dragons, flicked his wand and the box took its rightful place hidden behind others, and in an odd space for someone to start looking through boxes, shutting off the lights as he left.
"...seriously, you'd think since you have your own jobs and lives now you'd understand how much goes into running a household! Ronald Weasley I taught you better and..." Molly was raging, interior red by his entrance. "...and you! You've been home nearly 30 minutes, you didn't think to come and take a bit of the tasks off my hand?!" Molly turned on Arthur as he walked in the door.
"Molly dear, I had to file a few reports and write a few memos before I could leave, I figured I would send the Owls from home. Errol just left." His lie was covered because Errol had gone last night with a letter from him to Charlie; who no one in the family actually knew was alive, except maybe George, at any given time until they got word out of nowhere.
Harry and Hermione were in the kitchen, welcome for the reprieve Arthur had given them from the motherly tone in the room. "Good evening Arthur, did you find anyone I get to track down tomorrow then?" Harry greeted him.
"No one you should need to worry about my boy. There was a chap creating very ludicrous magic tricks, with a little too much magic, at a muggle mall. But he was apprehended today by Haglin." Arthur responded, happy to be away from his wife's very angry eye.
"Haglin. Good chap, he shouldn't be on such menial arrests, he scored higher on every test he's ever taken than all but a few wizards..." He paused for a moment, waiting for Hermione to open her mouth and continued, "...yes you are one of them...and you're a witch."
"Arthur, we are going to be going out, but I was hoping to speak with you for a moment in private about a coworker of yours." Harry said matter of factly, nodding his head into the other room.
"Of course, Misuse of Muggle Artifacts always has time for the Head Auror." Arthur said, beaming at the use of the name for a man who had been his somewhat adopted child for the past 13 years, and now is married to his daughter. He followed Harry into the other room, excited at the news he was about to partake in, when Harry turned around and gave him a somber look. "What is it Harry?"
"Well Arthur, I don't think your 'ring' is supposed to be that kind of a ring, I didn't want to tell you in front everyone because I didn't want to embarrass you." Harry explained, very delicately to a worried Arthur.
"Oh, blimey Harry, I thought you were about to tell me something serious. Ok, what's it for then? It's the only thing I could think of when I saw it. It should be great for massages, why don't I show you?" Arthur asked to a taken aback Harry, who avoided the hands Arthur moved towards him.
"No, seriously Arthur, it's not what you think. It's not a ring for your hand." Harry explained with fervor.
"What could it possibly be a ring for? I tried to wear it on my collar and it fell off. I tried to put it into my hair but it couldn't get a tight enough elasticity for any sort of hold. I tied it around my tongue and it just hurt too much, I had to take it off and hadn't even tightened the band once..." Arthur explained to a now gagging Harry. Arthur stopped, confused at Harry's reaction and just waited for the other man to get a grip. It took a few moments but Harry straightened.
Looking Arthur straight in the eye, Harry said, "it's for your cock Arthur. It's a ring for your cock, it's to make you last after you finish..." He cut himself short as Arthur came to the realization that this had probably been around one, or multiple male genitalia. Harry shook his head slightly and couldn't bring himself to any more words. He pat Arthur on the shoulder and made his way back into the kitchen and the conversation Hermione, Molly, and Ginny were having about breast feeding, leaving Arthur alone to digest.
It took Arthur several minutes to come to his senses and rejoin the gathering. He spent the whole night thinking about the ring, laying in his pocket now, and why a muggle would need this device, and why they would subject themselves to it. It seemed rather small, and it would probably hurt to use, he just didn't see the rationale. That didn't mean that he wasn't intrigued further, he waited until everyone was away. The children had made their way home and Molly was in the den with her favorite book, at least she'd be up and busy for a few hours and he could experiment with his new trinket.
He looked to the room around him for inspiration, and laid his eyes upon a picture of Molly from just after school. She had been in San Francisco with a friend, exploring the redwoods due to a possibility that they housed magical wand wood. Her friend had taken quite a few candid shots, some where she modeled and a few where they were a tad more risqué, but this one was always his favorite. It sat on his desk at the office and would always make him smile.
He looked down at his trousers and unbuckled them, grasping the photo and preparing himself. He rolled the ring down his shaft and allowed himself to be inspired by his wife's beauty, it didn't take long for him to get aroused. He slowly grew in size and it began to hurt. At first it was a somewhat pleasurable pain, and it made him even more aroused, growing quicker. But then everything went wrong, he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen, and his whole body tensed around a shooting pain through his groin, which was now beet red. He looked down at his member in utter panic, not knowing what to do as it slowly got darker and purpler. He grabbed his wand and conjured his patronus, which soared with an S.O.S. to Harry Potter, "Nagini in the Halls".
Not 30 seconds later three pops sounded in his bedroom. He looked up to see Harry, Ron, and Hermione's mortified faces staring back at him.
"Oh lord Arthur," Harry began, "let's get you to a hospital." He finished grasping the poor man's arm and disapparating.
"How come I didn't get those genetics?" Ron said when they were gone.
"Fred did!" he thought he heard Hermione mutter.