/
behind that reluctant smile, I hide my shadows.
/
What annoys him is when people think that they know him. That they have him all figured out. And before he knows it he's been pegged as one of those stereotypes. People may think they know him but they really don't.
Even his own band mates don't know him or he feels they don't because they don't act like they do. Though sometimes he suspects Jason knows more than he lets on and that Nate knows but affects indifference. There's a difference between Nate and Jason knowing too. Jason knows but he's not going to say anything until Shane wants him too. Nate knows but he doesn't get why he has this dual personalities, unlike Jason who does.
It frustrates him because when it comes down to it he feels Nate isn't making an attempt and it hurts because there was a time when he and Nate could read each other like their backs of their hands.
When exactly did that disappear he wonders?
And that's not the only thing he wonders about. He wonders why people can be so obtuse and intentionally blind sometimes.
People don't see beyond the hair and the looks. They don't see the anger and frustration and even if they do they like to think that Shane Gray is above and beyond all of that. Don't they see he's not a rock star immortal, just an ordinary guy?
Mitchie thinks she knows him too. She believes that music means to him what it means to her. She's wrong. Music to him is more than just an escape. It's the very air he breathes and the life he lives. No one will ever understand how much music means to him because he cannot explain it. It's the very nature of feeling that makes it unexplainable.
It's something deep at the core of his being.
Caitlyn has never pretended to know him. She just watches him with a frank gaze, absorbing everything he does. He knows she's not trying to figure him out. She's just learning about the person behind the mask. And it makes him happy that she's trying to learn, that she doesn't already have him all figured out.
He wants his other friends to do this. He wants them to take the time and see.
And when she makes those small tentative offers of friendship, he happily accepts and ignores Nate's hardening gaze and Mitchie's annoyed looks. He's doing this for himself and if they claim to know him then they should. At least that is what he tells him.
And it does work for a while because the power of suggestion works the strongest on one's own self. And he can say without the least self-doubt that those fleeting moments of time he spends with Caitlyn are the ones he's going to remember for all of time. Down to every last detail from the color of Caitlyn's hair in the weak sunlight to the shocking purple tights she's wearing.
It pains him a little that the time he spends with Mitchie will just descend into those cache of memories which he will only remember ever so vaguely.
He realizes with a start that this is not how things are supposed to be. It's going all wrong. He's not supposed to remember Caitlyn and vaguely remember Mitchie.
Nate's and Mitchie's gazes begin to make sense. They knew before him. They did know him after all. Just not what he wanted them to know. They accessed that intensely private and personal part of him before he even had a chance to know of it and now it's already on it's way to self- destruction.
Under those very gazes he becomes distant and breaks it off. He finally becomes what everyone else wanted him to be and thought he was.
Caitlyn is not hurt. She's just disappointed. And that makes him feel worse than ever. He wants to do something but self-pity overtakes him and he decides that maybe he just prove what exactly he is to her, a spoilt little rock star.
After all why bother changing when nobody else wants you too.
He regrets it but as always regret comes much too late. The deed is done and Caitlyn's disappointment turns to cold anger.
She's done.
And he'll just smile that smile he always smiles and wont let the world know that he drove away the one person who was prepared to know the real him.
He's always been a good secret-keeper.
/
everyday I live my life with memories of you.
/
It doesn't take him long to realize he's fallen in love. It's living with the knowledge that the problem. In some ways it's like his kryptonite, constantly weakening his resolve to do the right thing.
And for most parts he's fighting it off. But some days it just creeps up on him and catches him off-guard and he finds himself reveling in the idea of loving Caitlyn. Because it's such an exhilarating experience and makes him feel so alive.
Then he comes crashing back to reality feeling awash with guilt. He desperately tries to rid himself of it and he forces himself to think of Mitchie and her smell of warm cookies and her sunshine like smile. He holds her hand and writes love ballads and refuses to think that the real inspiration behind them is girl in purple tights and green shirts, with her scent of magnolia blooms and rain.
But one day he does finally give in. because he just doesn't have it in him anymore, to fight or to do the right thing. And feels so good to acknowledge what his heart has been screaming for ever.
But the day he gives in is the day he feels like his heart has stopped beating because he sees Nate and Caitlyn holding hands. And just that small intimate act makes his eyes swim and his head spin and he decides that he needs to get away from everything.
He goes away and drives on the highway until he runs out of petrol and his eyes are brimming with unshed tears and his throat if filled with unspoken words. He goes through cigarette after cigarette until he loses himself in the bitterness and all he can feel is the acrid taste of tobacco coating his insides.
But the smoke doesn't do anything but haze over the memories and he remembers them until he feels his insides twisting and churning.
Love is always pain and memories are only sharp pinpricks on already bleeding wounds that wont heal.
/
when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight.
/
They are lying on the grass, all six of them and staring into the inky black sky dotted with millions of twinkling stars and yet he has never felt more alone. It's a funny thing he muses, you can be surrounded by a million people and yet you can feel so desperately alone. Mitchie is lying next to him and her small hand finds his. The right thing to do would be to hold it and grip it reassuringly.
But what if he doesn't want to do the right thing? He briefly goes over the repercussions of not doing the right thing. He knows they would be explosive. He turns his head and looks at Mitchie. She's trying to make him not feel alone and though he appreciates the gesture he doesn't want it. She cannot make the loneliness go away. But he catches her hand anyways and squeezes it.
Because it's the right thing to do and it's what's expected of him.
Caitlyn lies on his left and as she looks up into the stars, he finds himself watching her and her chest rise and fall ever so slowly and slightly. He wonders what wishes she's making. He wonders if he ever figures in her thoughts. He wonders.
He notices that that he's not the only one watching. Nate's watching her too, his face so blank, so neutral but his eyes betraying everything. Even from the distance he can see the semblance of twinkles in Nate's eyes. They look like tiny little stars twinkling happily. And he doesn't wonder but he knows that Nate is happy. That Nate is the happiest he's ever been in his life.
He stops watching and looks at the skies once again. He's doing the right thing again even if the price he's paying is nothing short of heartbreaking.
A small bitter smiles tugs at the corner of his mouth and he turns towards Mitchie and kisses her on the lips. The chocolate gloss on her lips tastes sweet but feels bitter. He's doing the right thing and the loneliness blankets itself around him, wrapping him deep in a cocoon.
Jason and Tess are wrapped up in each other and Nate has Caitlyn and he has Mitchie but he still feels alone. He wonders if Caitlyn has someone. There's something akin to a million shards of glass piercing his heart as he wonders if Caitlyn has Nate.
He deepens the kiss and his grip on Mitchie's hand tightens painfully.
He's doing the right thing. He's doing the right thing. He's doing the right thing.
But no matter how many times he repeats the phrase in his head, the pain doesn't wane. It just intensifies.
He's doing the right thing.
So this is for WhenLighteningStrikes. She requested this way back but then the laptop crashed and since this is a Shaitlyn I had to rack those missing brains of mine for a idea which clearly didn't work out well cause, this makes me cringe in places and want to cry with shame in others and that's why this took as long as it did. I don't know, I just cant seem to get Shaitlyn right and I'm unable to give them a happy ending. Eh, I love them but not when I'm writing them.
The lyrics used dont belong to me and nor does CR.
The order of the songs - the lyrics are the bolded separators.
1. Uso - SID
- Nishabdh
3. It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects