goodbye [ one by one the angels ]
-
the rope that's wrapped around me
is cutting through my skin
Twenty-three days and counting. Since the sky fell and the Planet moved and a sweet girl, a dead girl, commanded the collective unconscious of souls against a swiftly descending death. Tifa counted the days because he did. Not out loud because he knew that it would hurt her, but she would come downstairs in the morning and find him standing at the window in a square of dingy light. His eyes would be dark with a combination of pain and exhaustion and she was always pretty sure he was trying not to cry.
Tifa didn't count the days as they broke against the horizon like he did. She counted the stars. Head tilted back to the night sky, numbering the little specks of light because it was a distraction. The good kind of distraction that kept her from screaming and hitting Cloud because that girl was dead, didn't he get it? She was dead.
And Cloud and Tifa were alive.
and the doubts that have surrounded me
are finding their way in
On the twenty third day after the sky fell, Tifa came downstairs and found Cloud at the window. Nothing had changed. Her chest ached, but she didn't touch him like she wanted to. Lord knew she wanted to badly enough, but it seemed wrong to put her arms around the mourning survivor, the beloved of the sacrifice. Instead, she made coffee. When it was ready, she poured two cups and sat down.
He didn't so much as twitch for nearly an hour that morning. Not until Tifa finally called up her voice from the pit of her stomach and said in her tentative way, "Cloud?" did he move, tilting his head to listen.
"Yeah?"
"Um..." You look like the remains of an emotional battlefield, Cloud. You make me cry so hard I can't stand it. I want to throw up all the time because I don't know what to do. Tifa could feel herself folding in, wrapping up in her ribcage. "Do...do you miss her that badly?" She winced when she said it. She hadn't thought she was going to, thought that it would stay in her ribcage with the rest of her.
"Yeah." His voice dropped a pitch. "I miss her."
Do you think she misses you? She's in paradise, Cloud, the Promised Land. She's happy and safe and warm. Everyone loves her. She doesn't miss us, she doesn't miss you.
Tifa ducked her head, smoothing a strand of hair behind her ear. Stared at her hands as they sat in her lap. "It's been twenty three days, since it was over, and even more since she died. Do you think that it's..."
Her bravado, or at least her frustration had run its course and she was left fumbling with the words. "It's..." Time. It's time, it's time to be done crying. Time to be done counting the days. She's been dead longer than you even knew her.
"It's time to get over her?" he said, and it was cold. He turned, blue, blue eyes freezing against her. "Is that it? Time to stop playing the wounded heart?"
Now Tifa wouldn't look up. "I...well, yes." She told the truth because she couldn't conceive of any lie.
Cloud looked as if he might say something more, he swayed a little bit and his eyes moved wildly, but he just turned and stormed out of the house, to some undisclosed brooding spot in the small town. Kalm was well aware of his perpetual state of grief, and the citizens would give him wide berth.
Tifa sat still at the table, staring at her half empty coffee cup and feeling her ribcage squeeze in on itself.
i keep it close to me: like a holy man prays
in my desperate hour
it's better that way
That afternoon, she didn't go to work. She had a decent job at a small bar and the people were nice, but they would all be able to tell just by looking at her that Cloud was having a bad day. It was almost funny, that she had nearly obtained the status of a battered girlfriend without being either battered or his girlfriend.
She still loved him, though. It was alternately inspiring and sustaining and disgusting to her, that she could still burn for him this strong. Even as he stared emptily out the window in the morning and killed little monsters with blank eyes, she wanted him with a power that made her fingers tight and her teeth numb. Even though he belonged to a virgin offering now dead.
Loving Cloud was like breathing. Loving Cloud was breathing.
It nestled in the back of her head, curled around her brain and snaked down her spine and into her ribcage, tightened around her heart. Loved him. It washed over her and left her knees weak to think about it. Loved him. It made her press the heels of her hands against her eyes, against hot tears. Loved him.
Tifa slammed her hand against a wooden beam. The stall shook, and the rest of the chocobo stable rumbled as well. She could still hit very hard. The pain was nice, made her head clear a little bit.
This wasn't working anymore. While the idea of leaving Cloud made her sick to her stomach, she couldn't stay, she couldn't bear another day of this liminality. Can't leave him, can't stay. She turned and leaned against the beam, closing her eyes. Breathed in the scent of the stable, all straw and clean feathers, freshly turned soil. Can't leave him, can't stay. The grain of the wood was smooth against her back, the stable quiet except for the soft clucking of one of the birds. This place was her favorite hiding place, since Kalm had no well. She could even climb onto the roof at night and watch the stars.
Footsteps approached, heavy boots crunching on straw, and she exhaled. Opened her eyes.
"Tifa."
Languidly, belying her heart, she tilted her head toward him. He shifted his weight nervously, rubbed at his wrists. Not angry at her anymore, she supposed, and let the ghost of a smile take her mouth. "Mmm?"
"I...well, about before...I guess...I guess I'm tired of being the wounded heart too." Cloud ducked his head, and then stole a glance at her. His eyes were always so profoundly blue, even when he was sad, even when he was trying to, trying to...she didn't know what he was trying to do.
"I see." Tifa kept her voice soft, noncommittal.
"Do you remember, it was right after Meteor, after Holy, when I said I could find her in the Promised Land?"
"I remember."
"I think I want to do that now." He was looking at her helplessly, his eyes searching her small frame for something. She felt like covering up.
She also felt like throwing up. He wasn't supposed to leave her, she didn't want him to, no matter...no matter where his heart was these days, it was something to have his body. Not that she even had that, really, she reflected. Pushing off from the post she had been leaning on, she forced the smile harder, looking up to keep the suspicious glint in her eyes from showing, and spun to face him. She cocked her hip, pushing the smile, her fingers grasping her hip. "Okay. I mean, I thought you would someday. I'm...I'm sure you'll find her."
"Tifa, I want you to come with me." Cloud was still running his eyes over her like he wanted to find something.
"Oh. Alright, then." She couldn't say no to him, especially now. If she couldn't be loved like Aerith, she could at least have this. She could at least be the best friend. It would just have to be enough.
so I'll come by and see you again
i'll be such a very good friend
So she quit her job for good and packed her bags; there was only one. She wrote letters to her friends, told them that her and Cloud were going on a vacation of sorts. It was a lie, technically, but a tiny lie, and Cloud had approved. Which had made her smile, and then cry because it took so little to make her happy.
'Why do you want me to come?' she'd asked him that night.
'You're my friend. I don't want to do this alone.' And he'd even smiled at her a bit, bouyed by the idea of finding Aerith. 'I trust you the most.'
Her heart had tightened with elation. He trusted her the most. She was his friend. It would do.
It would do until they found her and he...he left her for Aerith. Tifa saw it plain as day, but to be on the receiving end of just one of those smiles, to have his eyes flick over her as she saddled up the chocobos, to be close enough to be his friend was enough.
She hadn't even asked where exactly they were going.
have mercy on my soul
i will never let you know
where my mind has been
"Hey, Tifa, you ready?" His hand skirted over her shoulderblades as he checked her work. "Looks like it." A jingling and a clunk as he dropped his pack. "We'll be out of here in no time."
"No time at all," she agreed cheerfully. If she sounded that way, no chinks in the armor, she could be.
Cloud shot her such a dazzling smile that she almost cried out with the sudden grief that she would have to hand this over to someone else.
She swallowed it and shouldered her bag. "So, let's get out of here already."
angels never came down
there's no one here they want to hang around
The chocobos fairly flew across the grassy fields, skimming land and water. Night time, and the stars whirled dizzily above her. Below her too, when they crossed water. Tifa buried her face in the soft down of the chocobo, inhaling. This was like some dream she'd had before Aerith had died, before she'd even met her. Or maybe she'd had this dream afterwards, after they'd laid Aerith down in the water. Cutting through the grass so precisely, without a misstep, and the stars spun past above head. She leaned back now, to look at them, and Cloud passed her, his arm brushed hers, and laughter bubbled up. The stars laughed with her, and then her grip loosened.
She opened her eyes and the stars filled her vision. For a split-second, they threatened to swallow her, and then Cloud's everblues were in the way. Good thing, she thought, because for a moment I'd forgotten I was desperately in love with him.
"You okay? That was a bad fall. Looked like it, anyway." He was sitting Indian-style, chin resting in one hand, casually propped on a knee. "I was wondering if I'd have to take you back."
"I'm okay, I think," she said, trying to sit up, and quickly realizing the mistake in that. Cloud smiled patiently, he'd been all smiles since they'd left, and laid her back down. The chocobos had trampled a little clearing all around them.
"We'll just set up camp. That way, we can get an early start tomorrow, and you'll be good to go."
She rolled to her side, watching him unsaddle and tie the chocobos. He was like new, really. "Go where? Where are we going to find her?"
"The Promised Land."
"Yeah, I know, but where is that?"
"Dunno. We'll start at the City of Ancients." He moved on to building a fire, so excited, like a boy again.
"You have blind faith that we'll find her, don't you?" It came out as both more speculative and resigned than she'd meant it.
Cloud turned and looked at her, and gave her a funny half-smile. He nodded. "She'll find us, more likely."
"Is that so?" Tifa yawned.
"Yeah. She was like that."
At this point, Tifa rolled to her other side. "'night."
Rustling of grass, and then he was at her side. "Hey. You okay?" He bent down, presumably to check if she was sleeping, and she could feel his breath on her shoulder. It gave her goosebumps and butterflies at the same time.
"Tired."
"Oh." She could feel him press a hestitant hand to her hair. "Thanks, Tifa. For coming with. She'd...like it."
And Tifa wanted to spit, but didn't. Instead, she forced her muscles to relax, let her eyes shut and her breathing slow. She wasn't here for Aerith, wasn't here for the angel. No, she was here for the real angel, she thought, and then would have kicked herself if possible. There was such a thing as too far. Though she was surprised she could manage such thoughts, having dropped everything to accompany Cloud and give him away. To his destined love, according to Cait Sith. According to Reeve, that silly bastard.
Cloud's destined love who had cheerfully left to get skewered and die pristinely in him arms. She hated her for it. If Aerith had lived after the fall of the blade, Tifa would have killed her for being so stupid as to abandon Cloud for the ethereal embrace of the Planet. How could the Cetra lay any claim to him, any claim at all, after that? Oh, Aerith, you may have wanted to know the real Cloud, but if you had, you'd have let someone else die for you. Selfish but true.
"'night, Tifa."
"'night, Cloud."
but if they knew
if they knew you at all
"Um, Tif, one more thing?" His voice sounded like he'd almost been asleep, and just remembered something. He'd settled close enough to her for her to feel the warmth and presence of him. They'd gotten over any awkward perceptions of space the night before Meteor, when she'd almost had him...when by all rights, she'd had him....
"Mmm?"
"Thanks. But from me. I mean," he yawned, "I'm glad you came, too."
then one by one the angels
angels would fall
"I'd never let you go alone," she said, making it sound reassuring. But there were still butterflies in her stomach.
i've crept into your temple
i have slept upon your pew
On the twenty fourth day after the sky fell, Tifa woke up before Cloud, and watched him sleep, not even a foot away from her. After all, she thought, after they found Aerith, she would never have this chance again. He stirred, kicked a little, and she bit her lip at the sight.
When he woke up, she had already managed to tear herself away and attend to to the chocobos. He sat up, blinking sleepily at her with grass in his hair. "Morning."
Tifa found herself smiling, in spite of everything. "Morning. You slept kinda late."
"Did I..." Cloud yawned. "I guess it's the travelling." He stood, brushing himself off. "How soon are we gonna be ready to go again?"
"Soon," she said. "It's...a beautiful day, I think. I don't ever remember it being so nice in Kalm."
Tilting his head back to look at the clouds, he nodded agreement. Tifa stood still, a soft breeze ruffling her bangs. He had been beautiful asleep, but waking, that beauty was heart-rending.
"We should go," Cloud said.
i've dreamed of the divinity
inside and out of you
The weather stayed brilliant, warm and sunny with a touch of a breeze, and the riding was easy. Cloud was content with the traveling, enough so that he didn't even mention Aerith, so Tifa didn't bring her up either. It was much easier to pretend this way. Because he had seemingly cheered up, laughing and talking, it was so easy to pretend that they were just out for a ride, a lazy afternoon, that they were in love.
Tifa was in love.
The glamour failed late in the afternoon, with the sun beginning to set and the coastline drawing up before them. From there, Cloud explained, they would get a boat and travel to the Northern Continent. They could get another pair of chocobos once they were there, and it wouldn't really be that far to the City of Ancients. Tifa nodded, but she was beginning to get that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.
As the line of sand and water drew closer, Tifa felt sicker and sicker, her hands tight with nervous energy. How could she be doing this, how could she escort him to that girl (in her head, she'd started calling Aerith 'that girl' because her real name was too powerful), that girl who'd left him but whom he loved like the sun and the moon (she knew he loved her that much because it was the way she felt about him), and hand him over with a smile on her face (she'd smile because she didn't want to make Cloud sad about leaving her)? She wanted to scream, but kept her eyes on the ever-approaching water.
i want it more than truth
i can taste it on my breath
There was a smattering of little cabins in which the people of the coast lived. It was surprisingly warm for this part of the world, even at sunset.
Cloud said as much, and swung easily down from his chocobo. "I bet we can get a boat from one of these people." He was right, Tifa thought. Cloud was recognized as a hero amoung the masses, and all it would take was one brilliant smile or cruel glimmer of his eyes to get anything he wanted. It worked on her, after all.
"Yeah." She was about to say more when her breath caught, mostly because without a word, Cloud had wrapped his hands around her waist and hauled her down from her chocobo. It clucked softly in surprise, and she felt much the same way. Silently damning herself for being such a teenage girl whose blood raced at one touch, she underestimated her balance upon landing, and tried to pull away. Her knees buckled, and ever the gentlemen, Cloud caught her.
And when he didn't let go right away, she knew she could lie to herself, close her eyes and bury her face in his chest. Grab him and hold him and keep him. Her pulse pounded in her ears, her fingers aching with pins and needles, but she did nothing. She would maintain the position of best friend, she swore to herself.
Cloud let go and looked out over the ocean. "Any day now," he breathed.
"Any day now?" she said, still half-dreaming.
"Any day I'll find her." He looked as caught up in dreaming as she. "We'll be together, Tifa."
Her stomach turned over. "Oh. Yeah."
Her lack of enthusiasm brought him down a bit, and he looked at her mildly. "Aren't you excited? You'll get to see her again too."
"Yeah," Tifa said. Then, unable to help herself, she said, "Not as excited as you, though."
If he caught her meaning, it didn't faze him. "I miss her so much. Every day that goes by, I...I..." He trailed off, never having been good with words in the first place.
"Because she was special?"
"She saved us all. She was...our light...she gave up everything for us. She died for us."
Tifa swallowed hard. "Because she was special to you?"
"Yeah. I love her."
i would give my life just for a little death
It was harder than she'd thought it'd be, him actually saying the words. Like usual, like a coward, she turned tail and ran. "I'll go ask about that boat," she said, leaving him standing on the beach with the birds.
angels never came down
there's no one here they want to hang around
An older gentleman took to her immediately, and even though she could barely smile at him, offered the use of his boat for free, especially at her mention of a rescue mission. He'd recognized her, Tifa reflected as she sat on the beach with Cloud, watching their small campfire. He'd even offered to let her stay in the cabin, and Cloud too. Of course, she'd rejected him for Cloud's company.
His mood was buoyed by their proximity to his goal (she wondered how he'd act when they actually reached the City), and for once, he talked enough for the both of them, about the ocean and the stars and their battle for the Planet, and about Aerith. It was strange to Tifa, to feel so happy and so wretched. Cloud was pouring out his thoughts, his emotions, things she would have killed to see before. They pooled and eddied on the beach, and even as she laughed with him, falling deeper, the thought of throwing herself in the ocean to escape was never far off.
"Oh, Tif," he said, wrapping a companionable arm around her. "I'm gonna get her back. I've been telling her that since she died, even if she can't hear me, that I love her and I'm coming to get her. At any price, no matter how far I have to travel..."
Cloud kept talking, painting luminous, vivid pictures in the sky of his love and its breadth and depth. Tifa found her eyes filling up despite more than valiant efforts. She had been lying to think it would be just fine to be the best friend. She wanted to be Aerith, she wanted to be that girl. She wanted to be the one he loved like that.
"...and...hey, Tif, what's wrong? Get something in your eye?" He grinned, almost puppy-ish.
"Just emotional, I guess." It was true enough.
"That makes plenty of sense. I mean, you gotta be almost as happy as I am that we're gonna bring her back."
"No," Tifa said softly. "No." And she found that she couldn't lie to him anymore about it.
"What?" He was visibly confused. "You're...no?"
"I'm not happy," she said. She looked up at the stars. They held so many promises, but they were promises of less importance, she knew, than those resting in clear water. "I'm not happy at all, Cloud."
"I don't get it," he said, his eyes muddying with hurt. "She's your friend. We love her."
"No," Tifa said again, standing. "No. You love her. I hate her. I hate her name, I hate having to remember, I hate her stupid death, I...hate her." She hugged herself. She wasn't sure if she meant it, but it felt good to say.
"How can you say that? She saved us-"
"She might as well have killed you, and you know it-"
"She's done nothing to me, I love her-"
"Well, she doesn't love you!" Tifa shouted, the words echoing up and down the shore. "She left you, and she did it smiling!" Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "She didn't know you! She didn't love you, she couldn't have, she wouldn't have left then, but she did leave. She's dead, Cloud, and she doesn't love you any more than she loves the millions of other people on the Planet." She pressed her hands to her mouth, shuddering.
Cloud sat in shock, his mouth moving, without any words.
"I'm not going with you, Cloud," Tifa said, and then she took a sobbing breath. "I won't give you to her, like I'm giving you away at a goddamned wedding. You can find her yourself."
And even though it was arguably harder than kneeling to feel steel cut through one's heart, Tifa turned and walked away, leaving him alone.
but if they knew
if they knew you at all
She stayed in the house of the older man, crying into one of his pillows until his children felt sorry for her and climbed into her lap. They told her stories about princesses and princes and living happily ever after to cheer her up.
She told the man to let Cloud take the boat anyway, even if she wasn't going, because the mission still had to be carried out.
Cloud was subdued when he came for it, no longer in shock, but not particularly angry. He wouldn't meet her eyes, and talked only to the man, thanking him for his generousity, patting the kids on the head, even though they were mildly suspicious of him.
It was on the twenty-fifth day after the sky fell that Tifa finally walked out to the beach to say goodbye. He had the tiny boat loaded, and was ready to leave.
"Hi," she said in a little voice.
He flinched and wouldn't answer.
"Get in the boat, I'll push it out for you." Tifa would allow no argument. Cloud looked up, those sweet forever blues dark and bleeding with raw emotion. He nodded.
It was somewhat heavy, with Cloud and his sword plus the supplies, but she strained against the wet sand, forcing the boat out. Grains of sand stuck to her arms and legs, and before long, she was soaked in salty water. The boat moved in wet scrapes at first, and then smoothly as it began to float.
She kept walking, pushing it out until the water was just below her chest. Cloud was watching the horizon.
He turned and looked at her, unreadable. "You can stop."
"Okay," she murmured, and stopped, not letting go.
"Tifa..." He was looking down at her now, the sunlight golden in his hair, his eyes so blue and full of emotion, and while she didn't know exactly which it was, it was hers. Only hers, and for the first time in longer than she could remember, Aerith wasn't in his eyes. Just her. So she did the most natural thing and, standing up on her toes, she kissed him for the first time.
When she pulled her mouth away from his, she smiled at him through more tears. "Goodbye."
"Tifa?"
She gave the boat another push. "Row, would you? Goodbye."
He took the oars shakily. "Tif, I don't know if I can do this alone."
"You will," she said, keeping to herself the taste of his lips. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Tifa," he answered, sounding like a child, but he began to row out. "I'll see you...later."
"Later," she said.
When he was no longer before the horizon, Tifa turned and left the ocean, emerging dripping onto the sand.
On the twenty-fifth day after the sky fell and the Planet moved and the sweetest girl died and managed to save the world in doing so, Tifa kissed Cloud goodbye and went back to Kalm.
then one by one the angels
angels would fall
--
Notes: See next chapter/sequel.
-
the rope that's wrapped around me
is cutting through my skin
Twenty-three days and counting. Since the sky fell and the Planet moved and a sweet girl, a dead girl, commanded the collective unconscious of souls against a swiftly descending death. Tifa counted the days because he did. Not out loud because he knew that it would hurt her, but she would come downstairs in the morning and find him standing at the window in a square of dingy light. His eyes would be dark with a combination of pain and exhaustion and she was always pretty sure he was trying not to cry.
Tifa didn't count the days as they broke against the horizon like he did. She counted the stars. Head tilted back to the night sky, numbering the little specks of light because it was a distraction. The good kind of distraction that kept her from screaming and hitting Cloud because that girl was dead, didn't he get it? She was dead.
And Cloud and Tifa were alive.
and the doubts that have surrounded me
are finding their way in
On the twenty third day after the sky fell, Tifa came downstairs and found Cloud at the window. Nothing had changed. Her chest ached, but she didn't touch him like she wanted to. Lord knew she wanted to badly enough, but it seemed wrong to put her arms around the mourning survivor, the beloved of the sacrifice. Instead, she made coffee. When it was ready, she poured two cups and sat down.
He didn't so much as twitch for nearly an hour that morning. Not until Tifa finally called up her voice from the pit of her stomach and said in her tentative way, "Cloud?" did he move, tilting his head to listen.
"Yeah?"
"Um..." You look like the remains of an emotional battlefield, Cloud. You make me cry so hard I can't stand it. I want to throw up all the time because I don't know what to do. Tifa could feel herself folding in, wrapping up in her ribcage. "Do...do you miss her that badly?" She winced when she said it. She hadn't thought she was going to, thought that it would stay in her ribcage with the rest of her.
"Yeah." His voice dropped a pitch. "I miss her."
Do you think she misses you? She's in paradise, Cloud, the Promised Land. She's happy and safe and warm. Everyone loves her. She doesn't miss us, she doesn't miss you.
Tifa ducked her head, smoothing a strand of hair behind her ear. Stared at her hands as they sat in her lap. "It's been twenty three days, since it was over, and even more since she died. Do you think that it's..."
Her bravado, or at least her frustration had run its course and she was left fumbling with the words. "It's..." Time. It's time, it's time to be done crying. Time to be done counting the days. She's been dead longer than you even knew her.
"It's time to get over her?" he said, and it was cold. He turned, blue, blue eyes freezing against her. "Is that it? Time to stop playing the wounded heart?"
Now Tifa wouldn't look up. "I...well, yes." She told the truth because she couldn't conceive of any lie.
Cloud looked as if he might say something more, he swayed a little bit and his eyes moved wildly, but he just turned and stormed out of the house, to some undisclosed brooding spot in the small town. Kalm was well aware of his perpetual state of grief, and the citizens would give him wide berth.
Tifa sat still at the table, staring at her half empty coffee cup and feeling her ribcage squeeze in on itself.
i keep it close to me: like a holy man prays
in my desperate hour
it's better that way
That afternoon, she didn't go to work. She had a decent job at a small bar and the people were nice, but they would all be able to tell just by looking at her that Cloud was having a bad day. It was almost funny, that she had nearly obtained the status of a battered girlfriend without being either battered or his girlfriend.
She still loved him, though. It was alternately inspiring and sustaining and disgusting to her, that she could still burn for him this strong. Even as he stared emptily out the window in the morning and killed little monsters with blank eyes, she wanted him with a power that made her fingers tight and her teeth numb. Even though he belonged to a virgin offering now dead.
Loving Cloud was like breathing. Loving Cloud was breathing.
It nestled in the back of her head, curled around her brain and snaked down her spine and into her ribcage, tightened around her heart. Loved him. It washed over her and left her knees weak to think about it. Loved him. It made her press the heels of her hands against her eyes, against hot tears. Loved him.
Tifa slammed her hand against a wooden beam. The stall shook, and the rest of the chocobo stable rumbled as well. She could still hit very hard. The pain was nice, made her head clear a little bit.
This wasn't working anymore. While the idea of leaving Cloud made her sick to her stomach, she couldn't stay, she couldn't bear another day of this liminality. Can't leave him, can't stay. She turned and leaned against the beam, closing her eyes. Breathed in the scent of the stable, all straw and clean feathers, freshly turned soil. Can't leave him, can't stay. The grain of the wood was smooth against her back, the stable quiet except for the soft clucking of one of the birds. This place was her favorite hiding place, since Kalm had no well. She could even climb onto the roof at night and watch the stars.
Footsteps approached, heavy boots crunching on straw, and she exhaled. Opened her eyes.
"Tifa."
Languidly, belying her heart, she tilted her head toward him. He shifted his weight nervously, rubbed at his wrists. Not angry at her anymore, she supposed, and let the ghost of a smile take her mouth. "Mmm?"
"I...well, about before...I guess...I guess I'm tired of being the wounded heart too." Cloud ducked his head, and then stole a glance at her. His eyes were always so profoundly blue, even when he was sad, even when he was trying to, trying to...she didn't know what he was trying to do.
"I see." Tifa kept her voice soft, noncommittal.
"Do you remember, it was right after Meteor, after Holy, when I said I could find her in the Promised Land?"
"I remember."
"I think I want to do that now." He was looking at her helplessly, his eyes searching her small frame for something. She felt like covering up.
She also felt like throwing up. He wasn't supposed to leave her, she didn't want him to, no matter...no matter where his heart was these days, it was something to have his body. Not that she even had that, really, she reflected. Pushing off from the post she had been leaning on, she forced the smile harder, looking up to keep the suspicious glint in her eyes from showing, and spun to face him. She cocked her hip, pushing the smile, her fingers grasping her hip. "Okay. I mean, I thought you would someday. I'm...I'm sure you'll find her."
"Tifa, I want you to come with me." Cloud was still running his eyes over her like he wanted to find something.
"Oh. Alright, then." She couldn't say no to him, especially now. If she couldn't be loved like Aerith, she could at least have this. She could at least be the best friend. It would just have to be enough.
so I'll come by and see you again
i'll be such a very good friend
So she quit her job for good and packed her bags; there was only one. She wrote letters to her friends, told them that her and Cloud were going on a vacation of sorts. It was a lie, technically, but a tiny lie, and Cloud had approved. Which had made her smile, and then cry because it took so little to make her happy.
'Why do you want me to come?' she'd asked him that night.
'You're my friend. I don't want to do this alone.' And he'd even smiled at her a bit, bouyed by the idea of finding Aerith. 'I trust you the most.'
Her heart had tightened with elation. He trusted her the most. She was his friend. It would do.
It would do until they found her and he...he left her for Aerith. Tifa saw it plain as day, but to be on the receiving end of just one of those smiles, to have his eyes flick over her as she saddled up the chocobos, to be close enough to be his friend was enough.
She hadn't even asked where exactly they were going.
have mercy on my soul
i will never let you know
where my mind has been
"Hey, Tifa, you ready?" His hand skirted over her shoulderblades as he checked her work. "Looks like it." A jingling and a clunk as he dropped his pack. "We'll be out of here in no time."
"No time at all," she agreed cheerfully. If she sounded that way, no chinks in the armor, she could be.
Cloud shot her such a dazzling smile that she almost cried out with the sudden grief that she would have to hand this over to someone else.
She swallowed it and shouldered her bag. "So, let's get out of here already."
angels never came down
there's no one here they want to hang around
The chocobos fairly flew across the grassy fields, skimming land and water. Night time, and the stars whirled dizzily above her. Below her too, when they crossed water. Tifa buried her face in the soft down of the chocobo, inhaling. This was like some dream she'd had before Aerith had died, before she'd even met her. Or maybe she'd had this dream afterwards, after they'd laid Aerith down in the water. Cutting through the grass so precisely, without a misstep, and the stars spun past above head. She leaned back now, to look at them, and Cloud passed her, his arm brushed hers, and laughter bubbled up. The stars laughed with her, and then her grip loosened.
She opened her eyes and the stars filled her vision. For a split-second, they threatened to swallow her, and then Cloud's everblues were in the way. Good thing, she thought, because for a moment I'd forgotten I was desperately in love with him.
"You okay? That was a bad fall. Looked like it, anyway." He was sitting Indian-style, chin resting in one hand, casually propped on a knee. "I was wondering if I'd have to take you back."
"I'm okay, I think," she said, trying to sit up, and quickly realizing the mistake in that. Cloud smiled patiently, he'd been all smiles since they'd left, and laid her back down. The chocobos had trampled a little clearing all around them.
"We'll just set up camp. That way, we can get an early start tomorrow, and you'll be good to go."
She rolled to her side, watching him unsaddle and tie the chocobos. He was like new, really. "Go where? Where are we going to find her?"
"The Promised Land."
"Yeah, I know, but where is that?"
"Dunno. We'll start at the City of Ancients." He moved on to building a fire, so excited, like a boy again.
"You have blind faith that we'll find her, don't you?" It came out as both more speculative and resigned than she'd meant it.
Cloud turned and looked at her, and gave her a funny half-smile. He nodded. "She'll find us, more likely."
"Is that so?" Tifa yawned.
"Yeah. She was like that."
At this point, Tifa rolled to her other side. "'night."
Rustling of grass, and then he was at her side. "Hey. You okay?" He bent down, presumably to check if she was sleeping, and she could feel his breath on her shoulder. It gave her goosebumps and butterflies at the same time.
"Tired."
"Oh." She could feel him press a hestitant hand to her hair. "Thanks, Tifa. For coming with. She'd...like it."
And Tifa wanted to spit, but didn't. Instead, she forced her muscles to relax, let her eyes shut and her breathing slow. She wasn't here for Aerith, wasn't here for the angel. No, she was here for the real angel, she thought, and then would have kicked herself if possible. There was such a thing as too far. Though she was surprised she could manage such thoughts, having dropped everything to accompany Cloud and give him away. To his destined love, according to Cait Sith. According to Reeve, that silly bastard.
Cloud's destined love who had cheerfully left to get skewered and die pristinely in him arms. She hated her for it. If Aerith had lived after the fall of the blade, Tifa would have killed her for being so stupid as to abandon Cloud for the ethereal embrace of the Planet. How could the Cetra lay any claim to him, any claim at all, after that? Oh, Aerith, you may have wanted to know the real Cloud, but if you had, you'd have let someone else die for you. Selfish but true.
"'night, Tifa."
"'night, Cloud."
but if they knew
if they knew you at all
"Um, Tif, one more thing?" His voice sounded like he'd almost been asleep, and just remembered something. He'd settled close enough to her for her to feel the warmth and presence of him. They'd gotten over any awkward perceptions of space the night before Meteor, when she'd almost had him...when by all rights, she'd had him....
"Mmm?"
"Thanks. But from me. I mean," he yawned, "I'm glad you came, too."
then one by one the angels
angels would fall
"I'd never let you go alone," she said, making it sound reassuring. But there were still butterflies in her stomach.
i've crept into your temple
i have slept upon your pew
On the twenty fourth day after the sky fell, Tifa woke up before Cloud, and watched him sleep, not even a foot away from her. After all, she thought, after they found Aerith, she would never have this chance again. He stirred, kicked a little, and she bit her lip at the sight.
When he woke up, she had already managed to tear herself away and attend to to the chocobos. He sat up, blinking sleepily at her with grass in his hair. "Morning."
Tifa found herself smiling, in spite of everything. "Morning. You slept kinda late."
"Did I..." Cloud yawned. "I guess it's the travelling." He stood, brushing himself off. "How soon are we gonna be ready to go again?"
"Soon," she said. "It's...a beautiful day, I think. I don't ever remember it being so nice in Kalm."
Tilting his head back to look at the clouds, he nodded agreement. Tifa stood still, a soft breeze ruffling her bangs. He had been beautiful asleep, but waking, that beauty was heart-rending.
"We should go," Cloud said.
i've dreamed of the divinity
inside and out of you
The weather stayed brilliant, warm and sunny with a touch of a breeze, and the riding was easy. Cloud was content with the traveling, enough so that he didn't even mention Aerith, so Tifa didn't bring her up either. It was much easier to pretend this way. Because he had seemingly cheered up, laughing and talking, it was so easy to pretend that they were just out for a ride, a lazy afternoon, that they were in love.
Tifa was in love.
The glamour failed late in the afternoon, with the sun beginning to set and the coastline drawing up before them. From there, Cloud explained, they would get a boat and travel to the Northern Continent. They could get another pair of chocobos once they were there, and it wouldn't really be that far to the City of Ancients. Tifa nodded, but she was beginning to get that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.
As the line of sand and water drew closer, Tifa felt sicker and sicker, her hands tight with nervous energy. How could she be doing this, how could she escort him to that girl (in her head, she'd started calling Aerith 'that girl' because her real name was too powerful), that girl who'd left him but whom he loved like the sun and the moon (she knew he loved her that much because it was the way she felt about him), and hand him over with a smile on her face (she'd smile because she didn't want to make Cloud sad about leaving her)? She wanted to scream, but kept her eyes on the ever-approaching water.
i want it more than truth
i can taste it on my breath
There was a smattering of little cabins in which the people of the coast lived. It was surprisingly warm for this part of the world, even at sunset.
Cloud said as much, and swung easily down from his chocobo. "I bet we can get a boat from one of these people." He was right, Tifa thought. Cloud was recognized as a hero amoung the masses, and all it would take was one brilliant smile or cruel glimmer of his eyes to get anything he wanted. It worked on her, after all.
"Yeah." She was about to say more when her breath caught, mostly because without a word, Cloud had wrapped his hands around her waist and hauled her down from her chocobo. It clucked softly in surprise, and she felt much the same way. Silently damning herself for being such a teenage girl whose blood raced at one touch, she underestimated her balance upon landing, and tried to pull away. Her knees buckled, and ever the gentlemen, Cloud caught her.
And when he didn't let go right away, she knew she could lie to herself, close her eyes and bury her face in his chest. Grab him and hold him and keep him. Her pulse pounded in her ears, her fingers aching with pins and needles, but she did nothing. She would maintain the position of best friend, she swore to herself.
Cloud let go and looked out over the ocean. "Any day now," he breathed.
"Any day now?" she said, still half-dreaming.
"Any day I'll find her." He looked as caught up in dreaming as she. "We'll be together, Tifa."
Her stomach turned over. "Oh. Yeah."
Her lack of enthusiasm brought him down a bit, and he looked at her mildly. "Aren't you excited? You'll get to see her again too."
"Yeah," Tifa said. Then, unable to help herself, she said, "Not as excited as you, though."
If he caught her meaning, it didn't faze him. "I miss her so much. Every day that goes by, I...I..." He trailed off, never having been good with words in the first place.
"Because she was special?"
"She saved us all. She was...our light...she gave up everything for us. She died for us."
Tifa swallowed hard. "Because she was special to you?"
"Yeah. I love her."
i would give my life just for a little death
It was harder than she'd thought it'd be, him actually saying the words. Like usual, like a coward, she turned tail and ran. "I'll go ask about that boat," she said, leaving him standing on the beach with the birds.
angels never came down
there's no one here they want to hang around
An older gentleman took to her immediately, and even though she could barely smile at him, offered the use of his boat for free, especially at her mention of a rescue mission. He'd recognized her, Tifa reflected as she sat on the beach with Cloud, watching their small campfire. He'd even offered to let her stay in the cabin, and Cloud too. Of course, she'd rejected him for Cloud's company.
His mood was buoyed by their proximity to his goal (she wondered how he'd act when they actually reached the City), and for once, he talked enough for the both of them, about the ocean and the stars and their battle for the Planet, and about Aerith. It was strange to Tifa, to feel so happy and so wretched. Cloud was pouring out his thoughts, his emotions, things she would have killed to see before. They pooled and eddied on the beach, and even as she laughed with him, falling deeper, the thought of throwing herself in the ocean to escape was never far off.
"Oh, Tif," he said, wrapping a companionable arm around her. "I'm gonna get her back. I've been telling her that since she died, even if she can't hear me, that I love her and I'm coming to get her. At any price, no matter how far I have to travel..."
Cloud kept talking, painting luminous, vivid pictures in the sky of his love and its breadth and depth. Tifa found her eyes filling up despite more than valiant efforts. She had been lying to think it would be just fine to be the best friend. She wanted to be Aerith, she wanted to be that girl. She wanted to be the one he loved like that.
"...and...hey, Tif, what's wrong? Get something in your eye?" He grinned, almost puppy-ish.
"Just emotional, I guess." It was true enough.
"That makes plenty of sense. I mean, you gotta be almost as happy as I am that we're gonna bring her back."
"No," Tifa said softly. "No." And she found that she couldn't lie to him anymore about it.
"What?" He was visibly confused. "You're...no?"
"I'm not happy," she said. She looked up at the stars. They held so many promises, but they were promises of less importance, she knew, than those resting in clear water. "I'm not happy at all, Cloud."
"I don't get it," he said, his eyes muddying with hurt. "She's your friend. We love her."
"No," Tifa said again, standing. "No. You love her. I hate her. I hate her name, I hate having to remember, I hate her stupid death, I...hate her." She hugged herself. She wasn't sure if she meant it, but it felt good to say.
"How can you say that? She saved us-"
"She might as well have killed you, and you know it-"
"She's done nothing to me, I love her-"
"Well, she doesn't love you!" Tifa shouted, the words echoing up and down the shore. "She left you, and she did it smiling!" Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "She didn't know you! She didn't love you, she couldn't have, she wouldn't have left then, but she did leave. She's dead, Cloud, and she doesn't love you any more than she loves the millions of other people on the Planet." She pressed her hands to her mouth, shuddering.
Cloud sat in shock, his mouth moving, without any words.
"I'm not going with you, Cloud," Tifa said, and then she took a sobbing breath. "I won't give you to her, like I'm giving you away at a goddamned wedding. You can find her yourself."
And even though it was arguably harder than kneeling to feel steel cut through one's heart, Tifa turned and walked away, leaving him alone.
but if they knew
if they knew you at all
She stayed in the house of the older man, crying into one of his pillows until his children felt sorry for her and climbed into her lap. They told her stories about princesses and princes and living happily ever after to cheer her up.
She told the man to let Cloud take the boat anyway, even if she wasn't going, because the mission still had to be carried out.
Cloud was subdued when he came for it, no longer in shock, but not particularly angry. He wouldn't meet her eyes, and talked only to the man, thanking him for his generousity, patting the kids on the head, even though they were mildly suspicious of him.
It was on the twenty-fifth day after the sky fell that Tifa finally walked out to the beach to say goodbye. He had the tiny boat loaded, and was ready to leave.
"Hi," she said in a little voice.
He flinched and wouldn't answer.
"Get in the boat, I'll push it out for you." Tifa would allow no argument. Cloud looked up, those sweet forever blues dark and bleeding with raw emotion. He nodded.
It was somewhat heavy, with Cloud and his sword plus the supplies, but she strained against the wet sand, forcing the boat out. Grains of sand stuck to her arms and legs, and before long, she was soaked in salty water. The boat moved in wet scrapes at first, and then smoothly as it began to float.
She kept walking, pushing it out until the water was just below her chest. Cloud was watching the horizon.
He turned and looked at her, unreadable. "You can stop."
"Okay," she murmured, and stopped, not letting go.
"Tifa..." He was looking down at her now, the sunlight golden in his hair, his eyes so blue and full of emotion, and while she didn't know exactly which it was, it was hers. Only hers, and for the first time in longer than she could remember, Aerith wasn't in his eyes. Just her. So she did the most natural thing and, standing up on her toes, she kissed him for the first time.
When she pulled her mouth away from his, she smiled at him through more tears. "Goodbye."
"Tifa?"
She gave the boat another push. "Row, would you? Goodbye."
He took the oars shakily. "Tif, I don't know if I can do this alone."
"You will," she said, keeping to herself the taste of his lips. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Tifa," he answered, sounding like a child, but he began to row out. "I'll see you...later."
"Later," she said.
When he was no longer before the horizon, Tifa turned and left the ocean, emerging dripping onto the sand.
On the twenty-fifth day after the sky fell and the Planet moved and the sweetest girl died and managed to save the world in doing so, Tifa kissed Cloud goodbye and went back to Kalm.
then one by one the angels
angels would fall
--
Notes: See next chapter/sequel.