The Most Likely Suspect
by Zetta
Disclaimer: While I can claim credit for part of the idea of the Moonthly Challenge, the characters are all Rowling's and do not belong to me.
Challenge: Remus plans to dye Sirius's hair blue, and when he is successful, and all-our prank war begins between Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Tell us a tale of this prank war that
resulted in a limp, a leopard-print mohawk, and purple underpants. Don't forget, you must use the words "lazy" and "full moon".
This is the August 12 Challenge, and is due September 10, 2003.
This close to the full moon, Remus always had trouble sleeping. The moon made him alert and alive, and made him notice every little disturbance. It would have been all right if he really were a wolf- the ability tot hear such things was a defense mechanism.
But as a teenage boy? It was just plain obnoxious.
Especially when Sirius Black slept two beds over and snored louder than anyone Remus had ever heard before- even his father couldn't beat him in a snoring contest.
Listening to the snorts and snores of Sirius as he tossed and turned in bed, Remus began to grow aggravated, and tired, and bored.
And with the brilliant logic of a fifteen year old, he decided he blamed Sirius for his inability to sleep.
And so Remus drew upon all of his experience as a mischief making marauder and created a lovely little plot.
He hoped out of bed, dug through James's trunk and found what he was looking for, and went over to Sirius's bed.
A few moments later, he returned the evidence to James's trunk, planted enough of it so that James would be the obvious culprit, and went over to bed, casting a quick silencing charm around his bed.
After that, he pulled his blankets up over him and settled down for the rest of the night.
Sirius Black was not much of a morning person.
Even so, he was usually the first one awake in their room- that way he got to take a long, hot shower and fix his hair up and dress properly.
He stumbled over the piles of clothes and papers and yelped when he stepped on Peter's cat, who was curled up in the pile of clothes.
The cat hissed and tried to bite him, but he hurried into the bathroom, glancing back to see it jumping up on Peter's bed.
Sirius hopped in the shower without really looking in the mirror or doing more than asking the lights to turn up a little higher, somewhere between nightlight and day light levels so he wouldn't hurt his eyes too badly.
Near the end of his lengthy shower, he heard the door opened and Peter called out a quiet "Good morning", which Sirius returned while he was cleaning between his toes.
The other shower started and Peter began singing.
Sirius rolled his eyes and finished up, then stepped out of the shower, pulling a towel around his waist and then drying off the upper parts of his body at the same time. He towel dried his hair, pulled on his clothes, and stepped out of the shower to brush his teeth.
He would have to clear the mirrors of all the fog before he could fix his hair, and he may as well wait until Peter was out to do that, or it would be a waste of time.
His teeth were sparkling- literally, as he'd long ago added a little something extra to the toothpaste- when Peter exited the shower, still fumbling with his tie.
He looked up with half of a smile on his face, but froze, staring at him.
Sirius didn't really notice, pulling out his wand and aiming at the mirror and clearing it.
That was when he saw his reflection.
That was also when James stumbled into the bathroom, his glasses crooked on his face and his pajamas rumpled from a long night of sleep. Of course, then James got a good look at him. He too stared for a moment. And then howled with laughter.
Sirius whirled around. "What did you do, Potter?!" he demanded. "My hair! It's ruined! It's blue!"
James continued laughing, sinking down to sit on the floor and pointing at him, his face contorted with mirth.
Sirius growled. "You'll pay for this, you bas-"
"I didn't do it," James managed to say in between snorts of laughter.
Sirius growled again and stormed over to him, grabbing his hand and flipping it over so that his palm was up. "Oh yeah? Then what's this?"
"This" was blue dye.
James looked startled, but Sirius didn't believe it. "You're such a git, Potter! Mark my words, you'll pay for this!"
Furious, he stormed out of the bathroom, missing the confusion on James's face as he looked upon the blue dye for the first time.
James knew he hadn't dyed Sirius's hair. That meant it had been Remus or Peter.
Of the two, Remus was the more likely suspect simply because he had more of the brain for it.
James thought about it while he showered and dressed, and decided to ask them.
Sirius was still in their room when James came out, and it was unnerving to find that Sirius was smirking at him.
James frowned at him and gathered his books and things, careful to make sure they weren't hexed or anything.
"Come on, Pete," said Sirius. "Let's go. Pothead can wake up Moony."
Peter cast an uncertain look over at James, but James rolled his eyes and waved him off.
He went over to wake Remus up, shaking him until the werewolf's eyes blinked open.
People weren't fully aware of what they were saying when they first woke up, so James decided to take advantage of that. "Did you dye Sirius's hair?"
Remus blinked a few times. "Huh?"
James sat back and scowled. "Someone dyed Sirius's hair blue and he's blaming me."
Remus rubbed his eyes and sat up. "You didn't do it?"
James gave him an irritated look. "Of course not."
"There's no of course about it," Remus said, reaching down to the end of his bed and pulling on his dressing gown. "You and he always pull pranks like this."
James snorted. "Right. Like I would leave the evidence on my hands." He held up his hand, showing the blue dye- which hadn't faded in the shower, and wouldn't fade for at least two weeks.
Remus climbed out of bed, yawning. "Was it Peter?"
"It must have been," James said darkly. "I hadn't thought him clever enough to try to frame me though. Not to mention, I would have thought he would frame you before me."
Remus pulled fresh clothes out of his trunk. "Are you sure it was him?"
"It had to be one of you," James said. "No one else would have known we had the dye. Plus, they would have set off some of the alarms."
They both shared a quick grin, and looked over at the door- if anyone entered or exited when the boys had set the alarms to go off, they would be strung up by their ankles, covered with a syrup, and then covered with feathers. Not the most original of their pranks, but one of the most well done examples.
They'd already had one victim, a third year boy who had been trying to get them back for a pranking incident.
Drawing himself back to the matter at hand, James studied Remus carefully, a little disappointed that it hadn't been him.
That meant it was Peter- and the shame of having Peter pull a prank on them- because really, it was a prank on all of them- was horrible.
At least it would be easy to get him back.
Sirius however, was still under the illusion that James was the guilty party- and that meant he would try to prank James for it.
James remembered the smirk that Sirius had worn when he'd walked out and shivered. It wasn't good.
While Remus went in to shower and dress and laugh at his friends (though James didn't know that part), James gathered up some pranking products- Dungbombs, Filibuster's Wet Start No Heat Fireworks, and a few other things he felt might be needed throughout out the day. He carefully tucked them away.
When Remus came out of the bathroom, they headed down to the Great Hall.
It was to James's great discomfort and worry that several people on their way back from the Great Hall were snickering when he walked by. "Did he already get me?" James asked.
Remus frowned and gave him a once over. "No... Not that I can see."
James frowned and they kept walking.
Upon entering the Great Hall, the joke became much clearer.
Floating next to the candles, all throughout the room, was James's underwear.
But Sirius hadn't stopped there.
The underwear was purple. And not a dark purple, but lavender- a very pretty, girly color.
And in bright, pretty sparkling letters was written "Jimmy Pothead's Underwear".
James growled, his cheeks stained red. "He's dead."
As one, he and Remus summoned the underwear back, James gathering it and stuffing it in his bag.
Sirius, with his blue hair, was laughing his head off at the other end of the table, and Peter was giggling so hard that tears were coming out.
"They're both dead," James vowed. "Come on, Lupin. We've got a war to throw."
Usually, Peter sided with James when it came down to war. But Sirius had claimed him first, and Peter was happy to join him. James might have been better at pulling off pranks, but Sirius's pranks were a lot meaner when they succeeded.
Peter still had scars from the last time he'd been on the wrong end of Sirius's pranks.
He grinned as he and Sirius walked to class, Sirius babbling on and on about how he was the Master of Pranks or something.
James had sure been mad after the underwear incident that morning. 'Course, Peter understood- if his underwear had been in there like that, he wouldn't have been able to go anywhere for months afterwards.
But, while James was quietly talking with one of the girls in their year- Sirius's sort-of girlfriend Trisha- he didn't look at all embarrassed, even when the Slytherins started calling him names and teasing him.
They got to class and Peter didn't pay much attention to McGonagall, too busy watching out for the revenge that was surely coming.
Next to him, Sirius nudged him and told him to relax, that he'd know when James was going to try something.
Peter wasn't so sure he believed him, but nodded and pretended he did.
He got a bad feeling again when someone knocked on the door, interrupting the class.
It was Trisha.
Sirius waved, and then looked even more pleased when when she said she was there to collect him on behalf of Madam Pomfrey.
McGonagall didn't look completely convinced, but let him go, leaving Peter alone.
Peter didn't realize the ramifications of this until class was over and he was gathering his things up.
When he looked up, James was standing next to him, his arms crossed and his expression anything but pleased.
Peter gulped and looked to the other side, seeing Remus standing there. Remus looked a lot nicer, but Peter knew that he had no chance of getting by either of them.
"Let's go for a walk, Peter," said James.
Peter moaned and grabbed his bag, carrying it out of the classroom, knowing he was doomed.
Trisha was leaning against the wall across the hall when they got out and grinned as they walked over to her. "All set?" James asked.
Trisha nodded. "He's still in there waiting. I, uh, convinced him to loan me his wand too."
Peter looked confused as James and Remus grinned.
James cleared his throat and spoke loudly. "Hey, Remus," he called. "Do you hear something in that closet?"
"You mean, in that closet there?" Remus asked obediently, his eyes twinkling.
"Yes, that one right there," said James.
By now, a crowd of students had obliged them and gathered around, sure that whatever was coming would be quite entertaining.
Peter swallowed when James cheerfully sauntered over to the closet door. His hand on the handle, he smiled at Peter. "I don't think it's a good time to tell him the truth about who dyed his hair, eh, mate?"
Peter swallowed and noticed that Remus was smirking.
James threw open the door.
Sirius was seated on the floor, staring off into space, wearing only his underwear.
He looked up, startled when the door opened, and then when he realized that everyone else was looking back in at him, he flushed, the red in his cheeks contrasting nicely with his blue hair. "You're going to die, Potter," he said.
James grinned. "Thank Trisha," he said before turning back to smirk at Sirius. "Your clothes and wand are upstairs in the tower. Hope it's not too cold for ya."
He left the closet door open and walked off whistling, Remus nudging Peter to follow him.
Sirius was angry and embarrassed, never a good combination. He shoved his hands through his shirt sleeves and buttoned the shirt up in angry jerks.
He was tying his tie when Peter walked in, his skin blue and his hands red. His hair was still the same color, creating an interesting, if none too pleasing, combination.
Sirius gave him a long look and growled. "He's dead."
Peter nodded a little, very glum.
Sirius pulled his robes on and stood up and they walked out of the room.
Along the way, Sirius got an idea.
"Hey Brittany," he said, smiling pleasantly at James' girlfriend.
She rolled her eyes. "No, I won't help you."
Sirius's smile was a little grimmer after that. "Oh, yes you will... You just don't know it yet."
Peter gave him a worried look, but Sirius was too busy plotting to assure him it would work out in the end.
He plotted his way through Potions and came up with a brilliant plan by the end of it.
It all worked out, of course, because when he was in a mood like this, nothing would dare go wrong.
He cursed Brittany's hair the moment she walked out of Potions, having spent the hour in there working with James.
It was a slow acting curse, similar to the way a potion would work.
A potion that James had made with her in class, perhaps.
By the time she got to the stairs on the way to their next class, the spell was perfect and people were staring at her, snickering.
She noticed fairly quickly, and there was a flutter of horrified gasps as her friends saw her and dug out their mirrors.
She screamed- a real, true, girl scream of horror.
And then she stormed over to see James.
James had been talking with Remus. Remus saw her first and stared.
James turned. And as Sirius had known he would, James started laughing.
His girlfriend glared at him.
Then she slapped him and kicked him.
He fell on his arse, his books landing all over the hall, papers flying in every directions.
Laughter broke out at the sight of James Potter, who had always been a bit arrogant, flat on his arse.
"You're such an immature idiot!" she screeched, and then, as though she hadn't done enough, she threw the History of Magic book at him, hitting his foot and making him yelp with pain.
Brittany flounced off, leaving Remus to held James stand and stumble towards class, still doubled over.
"That was low," said Trisha, sitting down next to Sirius in class a few minutes later.
Sirius frowned at her. "You took all my clothes and my wand and said you were coming back with whipped cream. That was low."
"You deserved it."
"What I deserve is for you to make it up to me," he said, figuring he may as well try.
Trisha smirked and kissed his cheek. "Not until your little fight is over with."
Sirius made a face at her back as she walked away.
James moved very slowly through the halls, partly out of pain, partly because he was in a fury and busy plotting. Brittany had managed to to give him a limp, and he knew exactly why- and it was all Sirius's fault.
The gloves are off, he thought with a glare in his ex- best friend's direction.
Sirius glanced back at him and gave him a cocky smirk.
James smirked back at him, picturing him in several humiliating positions.
Embarrassing was no longer enough.
Complete and total humiliation was the goal.
He didn't realize how hard he was grinding the quill to the parchment until the tip of it broke.
Remus, seated next to him, gave him an amused look.
James did not appreciate that. "You think this is funny?" he whispered. "I thought you were on my side."
"I think I'm going to go neutral after this," Remus said. "At least so I'm not actually pulling pranks. I'm an idea man only. Sorry, Jim."
James glared at him. "There is no neutral in this war," he said coldly. "And if you side with him, I swear you'll regret it."
He wanted to storm off dramatically, but class was still in session, and if he got another detention, it would take time away from his plotting time.
By the end of the day, everyone in the school knew that war had been declared and the inseparable Gryffindor duo were pulling out all the stops.
Peter stayed on Sirius's team until James came and threatened to hex him.
Then he went back onto Sirius's team when Sirius said the same thing, and offered a bribe.
Back and forth he went until the final prank that had him running for help from Remus.
James turned his and Sirius's clothes into pink tutus and made it irreversible.
Of course, McGonagall was not pleased, but refused to let them return to their tower to change it.
In retribution, Sirius gave James a black leather miniskirt and leopard print Mohawk.
This was, of course, in the middle of Quidditch practice, during a very complicated upside down and right-side up move.
He nearly fell off his broom when he felt that breeze.
James hexed Sirius to wear makeup and have golden curls, and Sirius hexed him to sing his words.
James retaliated by staining Sirius's face with permanent make-up and adding hair bows to his golden locks. And switched his shoes for high heels.
Peter and Remus watched from the sidelines and did their best to avoid the warring duo.
Things were getting extremely tense by the end of the day, and the two boys were trotting around in their feminine clothing, casting glares and curses at those who laughed, and trying to ignore those who they didn't want to get in a fight with.
Severus Snape was one of the few who laughed anyway.
James had been seated at the end of the table in the Great Hall, stabbing the corned beef with his fork and tearing it to shreds until it looked like something stringy and disgusting. He was having a hard time doing that with the inch long nails that Sirius had given six of his fingers, but nonetheless, it was quite disgusting looking.
"It's Princess Potter," a greasy voice sneered. "Well, we always knew he and Black had a... special... relationship."
"They probably did this to get turned on or something," a second voice agreed, and with a sigh, James knew he had to defend his honor.
He turned around and gave the gathered Slytherins a bored look. "Oh... It's you. I should have recognized the smell."
"We have the same problem anymore," sneered one of the Lestranges. "No one else wears that much perfume."
James leaned back, crossing his legs and fluttering his eyelashes in his best girl impersonation. "Well, I do happen to like it- it's called Eau de Fleur. You should try it. Might make your stench a bit more bearable."
"I don't think there's anything that could do that," Sirius declared, sauntering up the the table in his tutu. "But it's worth a try. Shall I do it to you, too?" he asked with a smirk towards the Slytherins.
"You know what would be really funny?" Snape asked coldly. "If the truth got out that this is what you do every night."
Without needing to look at each other, the girlified duo gasped with horror and looked at each other. "Not that," said Sirius dramatically. "You can't tell anyone that we dress up like this every night. What would they all think?"
James waved his hand about dramatically. "Oh, please, Snivellus... Don't do it, we beg you."
He and Sirius looked at each other and smirked, then stood up. "Shall we step out into the hall to finish this?" Sirius offered.
"Excellent idea," James agreed.
"After you... ladies," sneered Lestrange.
"How does your mother tell you two apart?" Sirius asked conversationally as they walked out of the Great Hall. "You're both so ugly that I feel a bit queasy just looking at you- I wouldn't dare try to look long enough to tell you apart."
"How did your Mum take the news that you were a cross-dresser?" Snape asked, smirking at Sirius.
"Offered to throw us a coming out party, of course," James answered breezily. "Really, Snivellus, we know you're jealous. If you're not going to admit it, then let's get this over with, shall we? I've got things to do besides waste time with you."
"Get what over, Mr. Potter?" demanded the stern voice of McGonagall, who was marching down the hall towards them, a scowl on her face.
"We were just going to test some curses, ma'am," said James. "The Slytherins were admiring our outfits and wanted to copy the fashion statement."
McGonagall scowled. "I don't want to hear it. You go back to the Great Hall," she ordered the Slytherins. "And you two, get dressed properly before leaving the Common Room. Are we clear?"
James debated arguing that he liked dressing like this, but figured he'd had enough. He and Sirius nodded and went in the opposite direction, walking next to each other without the slightest bit of hard feelings between them.
"I feel like a freaking drag queen," Sirius admitted.
James snorted. "That was the whole purpose," he reminded him. "And I'd assume it's also why you hit me back with this?"
Sirius smirked. "It was either that or a bikini, but there are some things in life I never want to see, and you in Trisha's swimmers is one of them."
"Good," said James. "Because I think I'd have left you in less than that if you'd succeeded."
The two exchanged grins before Sirius grew serious again. "I was surprised you didn't fess up this morning," he said.
James shook his head. "It wasn't me. It was Peter."
Sirius stared at him and they stopped walking. "Peter didn't do it. I threatened to make him walk about starkers if he didn't tell me the truth. He didn't know about it until after I got up. Besides- he's not smart enough to figure it out, and he's too lazy to put that much effort into a prank."
"But Remus-" James cut himself off as they both stared at each other.
"Moony," Sirius said.
"Moony," James agreed with a grim sort of smirk. "Has been encouraging me all day, offering me advice and such. I should have known."
"He was helping me, too," said Sirius. "He suggested I hex you when you were on the pitch, for greater impact."
"He suggested the hair," said James.
They stared at each other for a moment, and then began taking the curses off of each other.
"That double-crossing werewolf," James said thoughtfully. "You know, that whole bikini thing..."
Sirius nodded, his mouth twisted in a smirk. "The stringy one. How's the middle of Potions sound?"
"Followed by a hair job," said James. "We can dye his to match yours." Sirius scowled. James smirked. "It is funny, mate, you have to admit that."
Sirius shook his head. "No... Not to me it isn't. Of course, it will be tomorrow when it's him."
And so, their relationship restored and revenge in the works, the duo trotted off to figure out how to remove blue skin curses.
The End
All right, there's my attempt at a Challenge Fic. Not my best work, but I hope you at least found it mildly amusing.